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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset at husband inviting friend over me on work trip

56 replies

mum2two17 · 05/05/2017 00:54

A few months ago my husband said he might have to go to London with work for a conference. I asked him would it be possible for me to tag along at my own expense (not to the conference) and I'd be happy to do my own thing. I travel with work too so I'm used to doing things on my own. This evening I helped him look for hotels in London as I know the area well and again I suggested I look at asking my mum to take the children for a night and he said he'd already arranged for his friend to come down and stay in the hotel. I am upset with him as its no problem with me accompanying him on work trips but usually I'm working myself so I cannot go but as I'm on maternity leave he knew I would be available to go and he chose to ask his friend to meet him instead. He doesn't see this as a problem but he knew I really wanted to go and he then went and asked his friend instead leaving me at home. When I pulled him up on it he said I'd want to do stuff in the evening and he has to work so I asked him what was he planning on doing with his friend there and he said ok we'll prob go for a few beers but I don't see him much. I just feel if he'd of been honest with me from the start id be ok about it. I just feel second best. I put him and my children first all the time but I always feel he puts his friends ahead of me.

OP posts:

RhiWrites · 05/05/2017 02:43

I wouldn't feel much like going on a date with a guy who said it was "my choice" to be a mother and who'd inviting his drinking buddy to the hotel I'd found for him.

OverthinkingSpartacus · 05/05/2017 02:45

Missed your last few posts. Sorry about your miscarriages

Beyondworried · 05/05/2017 05:13

Oh, that's a shame. YANBU. I would be feeling pretty miffed as well OP.

Chinnygirl · 05/05/2017 05:28

I'd be really angry. My Ex did something like this and he never put me first. I never believed he would cheat on me but he did and he kept on acting like a single man. It felt like rejection to me.

Why does he get to decide if you go to Londen? Book a single room for the friend in the same hotel and go anyway.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/05/2017 05:49

Given how young DD is, I'd look at arranging some local/short time with DH. See if you actually enjoy being together. Write off London for now. It's too late. Yanbu to be hurt by how he's behaved, and his "everyone else gets to play golf" nonsense is bullshit.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 05/05/2017 06:37

Your dd is still really young. You're all adjusting. And tbh it's younger, a lot younger, than I would consider leaving a baby (and I've had three and my eldest is 12), so although I'm certainly not judging I think you do have to be prepared for some people to be a bit surprised over that. I do wonder (and again, I mean this neutrally) whether in fact both of you are hankering after your previous life and this conference has become a flashpoint?

Increasinglymiddleaged · 05/05/2017 06:50

I told him I'm a mother and I don't have the same freedom to do things I want but I'm ok about that

And he's a father - but one that hankers after being a shit one with the comments about 'x plays golf'. Yeah I know blokes who spend half their life on the golf course, they would come home to discover the locks had been changed if they were married to me. You should both have equal freedom/ time for hobbies but also prioritise (and want to prioritise) family life.

I think you need to have a very long, serious conversation with him about roles in the family and how everyone can be happy together as a family unit. Having DC massively changes relationships and not always for the better ime

sandgrown · 05/05/2017 06:51

Not making excuses for your DH but it sounds like he is finding the responsibility of two children a bit restricting . He needs to accept it is just the same for you though. If you have great babysitters then have some afternoons out and no reason why you should not have a night away as soon as you feel ready. It is nobody else's business.

NotHotDogMum · 05/05/2017 07:03

He keeps saying to me how he's entitled to do something he wants to do for a change

And what he wants to do is be away without you...I'm sorry

sparkleandsunshine · 05/05/2017 07:10

I'd be really upset, also I have a 14 week old (my first child) and haven't left her with anyone but DP yet but if I wanted to leave her with grandparents and had plans then I would! You aren't abandoning your child! Do whatever is right for you!

ptumbi · 05/05/2017 07:29

It's your choice to be a mother? I'd be thinking really hard about what he means by that, OP.

He's done the easy, fun bit (the impregnation!) and you have to do the rest because you 'chose' it? So.... he doesn't need to stop his fun life, but you do, but that's your choice?

december10th · 05/05/2017 07:48

you say he is very open a d honest, but he hasn't been really has he? are you sure this friend is not if the female persuasion?

Topseyt · 05/05/2017 07:52

Exactly what plumbi said.

Don't give up on London either. DH deserves his arse served to him on a plate for prioritising his friend and single life over you. You had been clear from the outset that you wanted to go and he knew that, so give him he'll and make him feel like shit about it.

Disgraceful behaviour from him. Make sure you go. Friend is either uninvited or must book a separate room.

oleoleoleole · 05/05/2017 07:53

No, I'd be furious and also suspicious that the friend is a cover!

Topseyt · 05/05/2017 07:54

*give him hell, not he'll! Auto-correct!!

Kokusai · 05/05/2017 07:54

YANBU
I would be upset by that

NotYoda · 05/05/2017 08:08

This is terrible

Hurtful and rejecting of you

Or, as bad, he's hiding something.

Time to have this out

NotYoda · 05/05/2017 08:12

When DHs compare themselves favourably to selfish shit heels you know they are grasping at straws

MissEliza · 05/05/2017 08:25

You poor thing. It sounds like the perfect opportunity for both of you to enjoy some couple time and you to get a bit of a break from looking after the dcs. He does sound like he's struggling with the responsibility of two dcs which is not uncommon for men but not really acceptable. I've also never heard of someone bringing a mate along on a business trip. I thought perhaps he'd won some incentive trip at work to somewhere glam like Dubai or something and he was bringing his mate. It sounds like he's avoiding being alone with you, sorry if that sounds brutal. You need to point that out to him.

chestylarue52 · 05/05/2017 08:38

I don't know whether I agree that a business trip Is the 'perfect opportunity for both of you to enjoy some couple time together', especially if your relationship is strained at the moment.

Its ok to say you'll do your own thing during the day, but if he has full on days of meetings or presentations I don't think evenings out and more talking and pressure to have couple time is necessarily fair to ask. I can see why it would be easier take a mate that you would just have a couple of quiet beers with then say at 9pm right I'm off to my room.

From what he has said it feels like maybe he'd prefer less pressure on the time you have together. Can you have short walks together, its perfect time to start having the odd beer garden jaunt, try and have some fun rather than putting the onus on one weekend 5 weeks away and building up to that.

Peanutbutterrules · 05/05/2017 08:46

I"d be furious that he went ahead and asked a friend when he knew you wanted to come. He should have talked to you about it. I understand why you're really hurt by the choice he's made and the way he's handled it. Does he often just ignore what you say and do what he wants?

I think there are two issues here and you need to deal with them both - that he's avoided a chance to have couple time away from the kids, and that he's gone ahead and asked a friend without discussing it with you.

It's shite.

Mrdarcyfanclub · 05/05/2017 08:46

My dh used to be like this when the children were small and I would be guilted into complying with it. But it built up huge resentment and harmed our relationship. These days he can't make me feel guilty for wanting basic consideration. I am very relaxed about his time with his friends. BUT I also expect him to prioritise me when I ask for it. For instance he recently cancelled something with his friends so he could do something with me I really wanted to do. Everyone understood because they know I'm very reasonable.

What other selfish twats get away with is completely irrelevant. I would insist that he uninvites his friend and takes you instead. They are both your children and presumably you both agreed to have them. You need time out together as well as separate activities. You've already pointed out that you're happy to spend time doing things on your own. I'd definitively compromise with one good night out - dinner and drinks - and one just quick drinks. If it's one night I can't believe he can't take a few hours away from work to go out with you. It sounds like an excuse because he wants to get pissed with his mate. But it's a slippery slope to resentment and a damaged relationship.

famousfour · 05/05/2017 11:48

When he says 'it's your choice' does he mean it's your choice to be a mother or that it's your choice to not do certain things because you are a mother? Different things I think.

If it were me I would let the London thing slide (although I would be pretty upset) but have a proper conversation about what you both want from family life and what is not working and how to make it better. He sounds like he needs to grow up a bit. The dynamic where he sees you as placing constraints on him (rather than his choice to have a family placing those constraints) is not a good one.

Fwiw I think comparisons with people who go and play golf every weekend are daft. It's also nobody else's business when you are comfortable to leave your baby overnight.

GemmaWella81 · 05/05/2017 12:08

It's a bit wanky what he's done... Putting that aside it seems theres bigger issues.

How do you think he thinks you view him? Partner, dad, husband, deadbeat?

Do you have a meaningful relationship anymore or have you turned into baby crazed mother? Ie... Baby overrides everything and now he feels second best?

I've seen it happen to so many couples where the child drains all focus and compassion from the relationship. From the small snippet I get from your responses it seems maybe it's started to head that way.

That's not excusing him, but maybe he's striking out for some freedom as he's tired of baby baby baby baby 24/7 in reality and in your focus.

ArcheryAnnie · 05/05/2017 12:35

YANBU. He's being a bit of a dick, and you have every right to feel upset.

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