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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my birthday a day of sadness from now on?

66 replies

Twinklyfaerieglade · 04/05/2017 19:42

Yesterday my FIL died, yesterday was my birthday. My PFB was best buds with his Grandpa. DC is now an adult and FIL was a great age but...
DC is my joint great love (with my other DC) but he doesn't like me much. I can guess at some of the reasons, but his dislike is so very strong I cannot find anything, or an accumulation of things that merits it.
I suspect GF dying will overtake my birthday.
It hurts

OP posts:

WayfaringStranger · 04/05/2017 19:55

Unless there's a massive back story, I'm sorry but YABU.

RedHelenB · 04/05/2017 19:56

YABU your orb losing his Grandad trumps your birthday.

Fruitcorner123 · 04/05/2017 19:58

Yabu, it only happened yesterday. If DC is your 'great love' surely you should be feeling a great deal of empathy for him at this sad time not thinking about yourself.

steff13 · 04/05/2017 20:00

My dad died the day before my mom's birthday, and on my SIL's birthday. My mom has passed away now, too.

It's quite a few years on now, but it really only overshadowed the birthdays on the day he actually died. After that, it was a sad memory, but the birthday was still the focus of the day.

That said, if your son doesn't like you, did he acknowledge your birthday to begin with?

PeaFaceMcgee · 04/05/2017 20:00

Are you always so self-centred?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 04/05/2017 20:02

You're coming across as a tad self centred OP. Your FiL dies and next year's birthday is uppermost in your thoughts.

NavyandWhite · 04/05/2017 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GwenStaceyRocks · 04/05/2017 20:22

YABU.
As was the poster who was annoyed at her DP going to his uncle's funeral on her birthday.
tbh if you are this self-centred about a death in the family, it may go some way to explaining why you have a difficult relationship with your DS.

tigerdriverII · 04/05/2017 20:23

What is it with adults and their birthdays on MN? Once out of primary school they're just another day, albeit a crafty excuse for a piss up.

yaela123 · 04/05/2017 20:23

Haven't you got more important things to be worrying about than your birthday?

You have birthdays every year. Only this one (and maybe the next few years but less so) will be overshadowed.

Your partner's dad and children's grandad has passed away.

Get over it

Scholes34 · 04/05/2017 20:25

When you've had a few more birthdays, maturity will make you realise they're not that important.

twisterinyogapants · 04/05/2017 20:27

YABU it's tough, I shared a birthday with a relative and they died in a special date for me. I'm not mad about it I miss them.

Italiangreyhound · 04/05/2017 20:29

Twinklyfaerieglade I am very sorry your son doesn't like you and I hope you will find a way to resolve this and work things through.

It's sad your father in law died but he was a great age. So hopefully had a good life. I am sure your son will be upset and I hope you will find the right way to comfort him and forget about your birthday being part of the loss of granddad.

Although very sad for your granddad and relatives, and for your son, i can completely see why your son not liking you much would be a total tragedy, because it us.

I think I see why you feel this way. Focus on the big picture, help your son, move forward. Ignore rude posters so intent to judge you on so few words.

troodiedoo · 04/05/2017 20:33

Why does your son not like you? Does he find the intensity of your melodrama uncomfortable by by any chance?

Italiangreyhound · 04/05/2017 20:35

Scholes34 and tigerdriverII your birthday is the day you entered the world, it is special to you, it is not like Easter or Christmas or Valentines Day, shared by millions/billions.

Why should only children have a day when they can feel special and celebrated?

I don't find anything mature or grown up about counting one's self less important with age, quite the opposite in fact. It is the self giving and self efacing that is expected of many, especially women, it is not necessary.

Of course now the OP's day will be affected by the memory of loss. I can imagine in time this will fade. But I really believe life is for the living and another birthday shows one is still around to be celebrated.

Smellbellina · 04/05/2017 20:38

PollytheDolly · 04/05/2017 20:43

My exH DF (and he was such a darling man) was diagnosed with terminal cancer on his my exHs 40th birthday. Devastating.

That day was pretty dire but it did get easier.

Italiangreyhound · 04/05/2017 20:45

Thanks Smellbellina was expecting to get flamed for being self-obsessed.

tigerdriverII · 04/05/2017 20:49

Italian: it's not being self-effacing to stop behaving like a child when one is not. Personally I find the obsession of some adults with birthdays (day off work, big party, all that Facebook stuff) to be utterly infantile. I'm all for valuing myself but I stopped being a birthday girl when I cut off my metaphorical plaits.

BWatchWatcher · 04/05/2017 20:50

It'll be ok.
We buried a close family member in my birthday. No one mentions it really any more and we remember the family member in good times.
Chin up.

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/05/2017 20:53

This is quite strange.

If I were you I would be working very hard to find out why my kid disliked me so much, and trying to make amends.

My birthday being overshadowed temporarily by a death - that wouldn't be so much of a focus

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/05/2017 20:55

You've had some difficult responses. Sorry your fil died. I'm sure the memory of the actual day it happened will fade and the joy of sharing memories with him will come to the fore given time.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 04/05/2017 20:58

It's not about valuing yourself less. More about having the sense of self worth to realise that a big diva driven hoo ha once a year means fuck all. It's how your relationships with people are every day that is important.

Birthdays are fairly low key in our house; a cake, a family dinner, small gifts. But we try to be nice to each other every day, so if something happens that takes the shine off my birthday celebrations, or means they have to be postponed, so what? I am an adult. I know I am loved and cherished, I don't need a big fuss one day a year to prove that.

SolomanDaisy · 04/05/2017 21:01

I think you'd be surprised at how many clues to your DC's issues you give in your OP.

troodiedoo · 04/05/2017 21:03

It wasn't the sentiment of the OP I found bizarre, it was the wording.

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