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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my birthday a day of sadness from now on?

66 replies

Twinklyfaerieglade · 04/05/2017 19:42

Yesterday my FIL died, yesterday was my birthday. My PFB was best buds with his Grandpa. DC is now an adult and FIL was a great age but...
DC is my joint great love (with my other DC) but he doesn't like me much. I can guess at some of the reasons, but his dislike is so very strong I cannot find anything, or an accumulation of things that merits it.
I suspect GF dying will overtake my birthday.
It hurts

OP posts:
Nanna50 · 04/05/2017 21:10

Your hurt now, today, because your sons grandfathers death will over shadow your birthday next year? How hurt is your husband, now, today, his father has died, how hurt is your son? Why are you not comforting them? And you may not be a priority on the first anniversary of his death, how very inconsiderate of your father in law.

Italiangreyhound · 04/05/2017 21:12

tigerdriverII it's your right to not celebrate or enjoy your birthday and it's your right to look down on others who do. But I can't see how it makes you more grown up or how celebrating your birthday makes you infantile.

TinklyLittleLaugh it seems you are conflating celebrating your birthday with a hoo ha, not sure I said that. Your idea of a nice birthday sounds very like we do it in my house, for adults. But it's got nothing to do with being nice to everyone everyday because again everyday is not specially about one person. In a way it's very good you do not need a big fuss (I don't either) but part of feeling loved and cherished is about who is in your life. Some people don't have a lot of special people in their life so their birthday might be one of the few days they feel special. By belittling it one is kind of taking even that away, IMHO.

Italiangreyhound · 04/05/2017 21:16

I think maybe this is a tip of the iceberg thing for the OP; I hope it's not a straw that broke the camels back. I may be wrong but I sense a lot of pain under the post so it is not about the FIL who has died or the partner/husband or ex who has lost his dad, it's about a mum and son. I just feel that is the really sad bit here, because the death of a very elderly person, although sad, was pretty much inevitable and yet a family that is not working together is not necessarily an inevitability.

OP I hope that even in this time of grief that you will all find a better way to be family.

Thanks
Judester24 · 04/05/2017 21:24

My Mum died on my Dad's birthday when I was a little girl.
It sucks, the day always has a hint of sadness. But we always celebrate my Dad's birthday though.
I think the bigger picture here is you and your son. How is your DH in all this? He's lost his dad.

LedaP · 04/05/2017 21:35

Sorry i dont believe you dont why he dislikes you. You are choosing to ignore it.

Perhaps its something to do with your attitude to his gf death. I wonder if this attitude of yours is something he has seen quite often.

MadMags · 04/05/2017 21:38

If he doesn't like you, how much would he have celebrated your birthday anyway?!

ShowMePotatoSalad · 04/05/2017 21:40

It's sad that you're thinking about your birthday but your son just lost his grandad who he was really close to. Sad

shitgibbon · 04/05/2017 21:41

Um... your DH's dad has died. Perhaps evaluate your priorities right now. You can celebrate your birthday any day. Nobody can choose when they die.

Blagging · 04/05/2017 21:45

My FIL died on the same date as my birthday. It's really not an issue at all. We can reminisce and feel sad and we can celebrate and have fun. 🤷🏻‍♀️

MIL phones me and wishes me happy birthday and we chat about what I'm doing and I thank her for sending a card or whatever. Then I ask how she is and if she is going to the cemetery or whatever. Then we have a chat about the kids or something.

If everyone is too upset to celebrate your birthday then just move the celebration with that side if the family to another date. It's not a problem.

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 04/05/2017 21:57

My dad died on my birthday. I don't celebrate birthdays now.

gabsdot · 04/05/2017 21:57

Both my granny's died on my birthday, (10 years apart.) It hasn't ruined my bday

gabsdot · 04/05/2017 21:58

I mean it hasn't ruined my birthday since then. The years they died we're pretty grim.

user1493022461 · 04/05/2017 22:03

No way is this for real. No-one is that self centred to say this the very day after someone died.

pictish · 04/05/2017 22:03

I'm not an anniversary or birthday person so I can't comment on that but I'm sorry to learn that your son doesn't like you. Can it be repaired?

danTDM · 04/05/2017 22:06

No words Sad OP is unbelievable, but won't realise it.
No point. Just no point.

Borntorunfast · 04/05/2017 22:10

My beloved grandma died on my birthday. Actually, I was devastated, both at the huge loss and at the fact that she died on a date that was/is so significant to me. Weird, all the posters who profess not to mark their own birthday. I do. It doesn't make me spoilt, or a child. It makes me human; my birthday is part of who I am, how I define myself, and while I don't stamp my feet and demand gifts, I do celebrate it in my own (Actually quiet) way. So losing someone I loved so very much on my actual birthday was doubly hard and for a long time I stopped celebrating and I tortured myself trying to work out what it meant.

That doesn't mean I am or was selfish or that my grief was any the less. It wasn't something I ever discussed with my family but it was something that did and does add to my grief.

I have learned to live with it. Now, I celebrate my birthday but I always light a candle for her on that day. It is both a happy and a sad day for me, and always will be.

OP, I am sorry for your loss. I am sorry your DS and you don't get on. The date won't mean as much to him as to you, and he will likely soon forget - it's not something that has ever been mentioned in my family and they all celebrate my birthday with me. Ignore all the horrible people on this thread, who appear to have forgotten basic empathy.

BalloonSlayer · 04/05/2017 22:12

My Dad died the day after my sister's birthday. She lives abroad so didn't know how close it was getting and my other sister and I were hoping so much it wouldn't be that day. DSis lives 10 hours ahead so at one point we discussed "well if it's now, then it's already tomorrow where DSis lives so we'll tell her it was the next day, as it is for her." But that's because that DSis is very hung up on dates and numbers and she would have been really upset. If DDad had died on my birthday it wouldn't have affected me half so much, as I am just not like that over dates.

TheNaze73 · 04/05/2017 22:29

I suspect GF dying will overtake my birthday.
It hurts

One of the most melodramatic things I've read on here.

Incredibly selfish.

PavlovianLunge · 04/05/2017 22:29

DP's brother was buried on my birthday, twenty years ago. We both think about that when the day comes around, and of course, it's a source of sadness, but it doesn't overshadow my birthday, and you're coming across as being rather self-absorbed by referring to it in those terms.

LilacSpatula · 04/05/2017 22:33

Some sad things on here Flowers to all. BUT YABU I'm sorry to say. There is a more immediate need in your family than your birthday. Fact.

In time, this might get better/easier but right now this is raw...take a back seat.

Original poster
Twinklyfaerieglade · 04/05/2017 23:29

Thank you to everyone who has responded.

It really is not about my birthday, it's about the fact that I come bottom of the pile every time. I am so sad about FIL, DH not around so none of us can comfort him.

DC is bereft about our loss and I am so sad we don't have a good relationship, even though I am going to Australia tomorrow to see him and try to comfort him. I booked a while ago just to see him.

GF died in the U.K, where I live, son in Oz for 6 months and cannot get back for funeral.

italiangreyhound thank you for your kindness and other PPs.

Yes I am sad I don't have a great relationship with my DS. I don't think I am melodramatic, but if I am I apologise.

Just beware when your children are adults they may not adore you. I hope I am the exception and most don't experience this pain.

OP posts:
LilacSpatula · 04/05/2017 23:42
Flowers
LilacSpatula · 04/05/2017 23:43

This is probably more about you coming bottom of the pile in the past than this and I hope you and your family heal and get better Flowers

Italiangreyhound · 04/05/2017 23:51

Twinklyfaerieglade there is always so much more on here when people post than the words that they use, some have been very quick to judge you.

I am sorry for your loss.

My only suggestion is to ask your son if there is anything you could do to bring him any comfort at this time.

He may wish to send back a silk rose to be put on the coffin (not sure what the laws are about taking flowers back from Oz, I was stopped from taking a mango from one state to another somewhere!).

Maybe toasting your FIL with a drink and mentioning your son at the funeral wake, I don't know. I don't want to trivialize it.

My father died suddenly 12 years ago and we toasted him a fair bit in the early days.

My mother died last year and it was expected and, to some extent, welcomed as she was very ill, so there seems to have been less need to 'remember her' in a way, since her passing was much more expected.

I do feel death is very, very personal and how one marks it really is down to the individual.

I really hope this visit will change things between you and your son and maybe in some small way your sympathy and visit at this time will build a bridge.

Thanks
Original poster
Twinklyfaerieglade · 04/05/2017 23:57

Thank you all for your contributions. Kind posters have given me some solace.

My OP could be clearer. This year, I don't think my birthday is important. I just fear that my DC will alway associate the day in the future with GF.

It does hurt to know you are always less important. DH has been gone for 27 years so I bought DS up alone.DH is still alive but only got back in contact in the last year. FIL supported us emotionally all those years DH has been gone. DS now likes DH but not me.

OP posts:
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