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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About when he can have the baby..

77 replies

Silvermockingbird · 04/05/2017 19:38

Basically me and my "dp" are splitting up, we have a 6 month old and he is saying he wants her all weekend every weekend and to be able to take her out for the day through the week now and again. I have absolutely no problem with this WHEN she is older.. I am currently breastfeeding she has never took a bottle or a dummy even though we have tried, she will only sleep if it is next to me in bed, and we have tried her with a few solids but she keeps pushing all the the food out so the HV suggested wait a little while and try again. So she is all on boob.

Now ex dp is saying on the weekends he has her he will give her formula in a bottle then she can go back to breastfeeding when I have her. I have told him as she has acid reflux also this will be upsetting on her tummy switching so dramatically like that.

I have suggested that he can have her as much as he wants though the day time so I can express enough milk for him to take, until she is more dependant and on food and sleeping on her own.. aparantly this isn't good enough and if I don't agree to his terms he will take her regardless and try go for full custody..

Opinions?

OP posts:

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 04/05/2017 20:34

If he's threatening to abduct your baby and has already snatched her, driven off and disappeared without contact for hours, then there's serious concern. You must have been out of your mind with worry. Incidents like that need to be reported to the police.

I wouldn't advise handing her over to him at all.

kaytee87 · 04/05/2017 20:34

My 9mo becomes hysterical sometimes when my dh goes to him in the night instead of me and he loves his dad but he needs me at the moment because I'm his primary care giver and he's still tiny.

Op I repeat that no judge will award your ex overnight access until your baby is older (likely around 2) and only if he's kept up regular contact in the interim.

Please don't listen to people saying you should express or stop bf just so your selfish ex can prove a point.

UnbornMortificado · 04/05/2017 20:37

You need a solicitor, he's using your child to control you.

April229 · 04/05/2017 20:38

This is terrible, you need legal advice straight away, he doesn't have as many rights as he thinks. If you go a weekend without breastfeeding your milk supply will be really compromised for on going feeding. I agree with other posters, if you can't stay with a family member ask one to stay with you and change the locks.

CPtart · 04/05/2017 20:54

He'll go for full custody? Lol. Course he will!

cherish123 · 04/05/2017 20:56

He is entitled to some time with her. Could you express? Could you start with a day and build up to a weekend?

watchoutformybutt · 04/05/2017 20:57

jamie don't talk rot. Some mothers can't express and some babies just won't accept a bottle. I have a 22 month old who is still breastfeeding and has never accepted a bottle or cup of expressed milk. Luckily now she eats plenty and drinks water but I couldn't leave her for any real length of time and certainly not overnight when she was 6 months old.
This isn't about the father or the OP. It's what is in the best interests of the baby which is to have a relationship with her father but also to continue to have the comfort of breastfeeding. It's not as simple as "She needs to see her dad, give her a bottle". You don't have much understanding of how some babies behave.

Bananamanfan · 04/05/2017 20:57

I think maybe you should consider going to a refuge after the stunt he pulled before. You & your baby need to be safe together. He should not know where you are if he will attempt to abduct an exclusively breastfed baby.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/05/2017 20:58

Can I ask what was the background to splitting up? Who has made the final decision?

This is a man who strikes me as not liking being told "no" and actually if he got what he wanted he would suddenly not want it anymore. There have been cases on here where a bitter ex has spent a fortune in time and money going through the courts for access etc and then has lost interest in actually seeing the child because it was never about that. Of course it is worrying so you never call his bluff, but I am sure that if you agreed and packed her off for a couple of weekends where she is bottle refusing and keeping him up all night every night he would soon change his tune.

Easier said than done, so get thee to a solicitor asap.

Firenight · 04/05/2017 21:01

Totally agree with all the points above. Get out and get a court order against him asap.

GinIsIn · 04/05/2017 21:07

Dear Ex-DP,

With regards to your request for custody every weekend - as you know, our daughter is exclusively breastfed and as you are unable to provide the required nutrition, this would not be in the best interests of the child at this stage. As you have been unwilling to discuss alternatives and have threatened to "take her anyway" I am now concerned for DD's safety, and therefore any arrangement will need to be sought through a court agreement. Should you wish to discuss this matter further, please contact my legal representation.

Yours,
Etc.

AdaColeman · 04/05/2017 21:13

Start keeping a very detailed diary to record everything he says to you about taking the baby away from you, also try to deal with him by email so you can copy his messages. Write up about the time he took the baby and drove off.
See a solicitor as soon as possible.

Whenever possible have another adult with you when you meet him.

AliCat36 · 04/05/2017 21:14

I work in family law. You need to get some legal advice. It's not his entitlement that the legal system looks at, it's your baby's entitlement. She's entitled to be safe and not be snatched away like a toy. The police are unlikely to intervene unless they believe that there is a risk to her safety or you have a court order.

Don't give him the chance to take her. In my experience, the fact that he's taken her before & is threatening to do so again is enough for you to make an application to court and ask for an order to prevent him from removing her again.

He's not going to get all of every weekend. He'll get to spend some time with her if he behaves responsibly and stops being an idiot. If he did take her, you can get to see a judge within hours if necessary, (except on weekends when the courts are closed). If he did take her, I reckon a judge would make an order for her to be returned to you immediately due to his behaviour and her need for you. The court can order the police to get involved and to remove her from his care if he won't return her voluntarily. Don't give him the chance to take her in the first place, that's the best thing. Get an urgent appointment for some legal advice. Or go to the court, fill in the forms and ask to see a judge yourself. It's not a difficult procedure & lots of people do it themselves if they can't get legal aid or afford to pay for a solicitor.

JamieXeed74 · 04/05/2017 21:19

a baby of that age is too young to be away from its primary carer
Not trying to be goady just making what I think is a legitimate point.
I have experience of family court and there is no reason why a man cannot be the primary carer from birth. Just because the mother says she has to be the primary carer does not legally make it so.

Courts have to be go with the evidence and there is plenty of evidence of babies being successfully raised absent their mother. To use breast feeding as an excuse you would have to have medical evidence that you cannot express and that the baby cannot drink formula. Good luck with that because that would be a very unique case indeed. Under the law a father has equal rights from birth. Don't shoot the messenger.

And dont forget the tens of thousand of pounds the court case costs, I have a lot of experience of that.

MinnieF1 · 04/05/2017 21:20

He sounds like such an arse. Is he on the birth certificate? You need to get legal advice before you see him again given his past behaviour. Are you still living together?

Send him an email along the lines of: 'dear ex, I am writing to inform you that I will be in contact after seeking legal advice re arrangements for DD. Given your past threatening behaviour, where you forcefully took DD from me and refused to return her, I feel it is best that a formal agreement re contact is made. '

Then seek legal advice asap. You'll need to apply for a child arrangements order and possible a prohibited steps order too to prevent him from collecting her from nursery/school/ taking her abroad etc.

Do NOT engage with him once you've emailed him. If he threatens or harasses you, phone the police on 101 or contact the NCDV for a non-mol. And if he turns up at your house ring 999. My ex was just as you've described yours and he got worse once he realised I wasn't giving in to his demands. It's all about control rather than a desire to be a parent. My ds's dad doesn't even bother with him anymore.

Good luck and stay strong

kaytee87 · 04/05/2017 21:21

jamie you clearly don't have experience of family court because you're talking rubbish. Of course the father can be primary carer but that is not the case here is it?
Providing medical evidence that you can't express?? What utter nonsense.

kaytee87 · 04/05/2017 21:23

What medical evidence would you suggest?
Also do you suggest letting a bottle refusing baby scream for hours / become dehydrated just to allow a selfish man an overnight?

MovingtoParadise · 04/05/2017 21:23

Jamie, you're entirely misunderstanding the OPs posts. A man can be a primary carer, in this case he isn't.

The courts aren't interested in 'equal rights' - it's what's best for the child.

And she doesn't have to 'prove' that the baby can't be formula fed or that she can't express enough - it's what's established already - and in this case it's 6 months old and exclusively breast fed.

QuiteLikely5 · 04/05/2017 21:23

Can't you agree a date when you will stop BF her by?

Just to give him something to aim for

A judge (last year I think) shot down a mothers argument over BF so precedent has been set in that regard.

Please google before you all start shouting!

Judge said BF didn't trump the need to have a relationship with the father - he wasn't talking about a few hours per week either

Also do not stop all contact as a pp has suggested that will just look bad on you in court

Of course he took the child in unnecessary circumstances but that seemed to be borne out of frustration- he seems to want the baby as much as you do - not entirely demonic to take your own flesh and blood that way if you feel desperate

A baby can form many attachments to many caregivers - it is accepted that the mother is no longer considered to be of sole importance and that other caregivers are just as vital

kaytee87 · 04/05/2017 21:38

Having a source of nutrition for a bottle refusing 6mo certainly trumps having overnights with their father and would in any court.

Lynnm63 · 04/05/2017 21:49

What he's probably on is trying to avoid or reduce paying maintenance by having his dd enough.

Sara107 · 04/05/2017 21:51

You need some legal advice very quickly. Can you afford a solicitor? If he has previous form for snatching the baby, could you get some sort of barring order to prevent him coming anywhere near you until you've been to court.

Heirhelp · 04/05/2017 21:51

Please don't feel under pressure to decide when to stop bf now. I say this as someone only managed to bf for 6 weeks - WHO recommendeds bf for 2 years and even then you don't have to stop if you and your child is happy.

If the baby won't take a bottle then it won't take a bottle. There is nothing that can be done about it.

Italiangreyhound · 04/05/2017 22:02

Silvermockingbird This sounds all really terrible.

"We had a split up a few months ago (we got back together) and he just snatched her out my arms and drove off. I had to beg and plead for him to bring her back and eventually he did.. i just feel very trapped at the moment and feel if I don't agree i might not see her at all for however long it will take to get to court."

Please go to the solicitors and get professional advice.

Keep records of everything.

He sounds like an appalling nob. I am so sorry. He clearly doesn't have our daughter's best interests at heart. Just a lot of controlling mind games to scare you (and possibly her too).

Italiangreyhound · 04/05/2017 22:02

your daughter, obviously.

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