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AIBU?

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Original poster

About when he can have the baby..

77 replies

Silvermockingbird · 04/05/2017 19:38

Basically me and my "dp" are splitting up, we have a 6 month old and he is saying he wants her all weekend every weekend and to be able to take her out for the day through the week now and again. I have absolutely no problem with this WHEN she is older.. I am currently breastfeeding she has never took a bottle or a dummy even though we have tried, she will only sleep if it is next to me in bed, and we have tried her with a few solids but she keeps pushing all the the food out so the HV suggested wait a little while and try again. So she is all on boob.

Now ex dp is saying on the weekends he has her he will give her formula in a bottle then she can go back to breastfeeding when I have her. I have told him as she has acid reflux also this will be upsetting on her tummy switching so dramatically like that.

I have suggested that he can have her as much as he wants though the day time so I can express enough milk for him to take, until she is more dependant and on food and sleeping on her own.. aparantly this isn't good enough and if I don't agree to his terms he will take her regardless and try go for full custody..

Opinions?

OP posts:
Oldraver · 04/05/2017 20:13

He's already snatched a breastfed baby from her mother once ?

Hell would freeze over before I would let a man near my child. Though eventually he would get some access. A court will look very dimly on a person who refuses to return a baby to its mother.

I think you need to seek legal advice asap..tell him as he has already refused to return her you will not be handing he rover util a court tells you too

LauraPalmersBodybag · 04/05/2017 20:15

You need proper legal help op. So sorry to hear you're going through this so soon after having a baby. I'd keep away you and her away from him until you've spoken to a solicitor...any parent that snatches a baby out of Malice forfeits their rights to immediate contact imo.

WorknameJimEllis · 04/05/2017 20:16

I had to beg and plead for him to bring her back and eventually he did

Yep. That's it right there. He doesn't actually WANT to be stuck with a screaming distressed reflux baby who can't/won't feed. He just wants to fuck with you.

Don't beg, don't plead.

TheGentleMoose · 04/05/2017 20:17

OP why haven't you already gotten legal advice if he's already tried to snatch her off you and driven off?

And why are you have "absolutely no problem with this WHEN she is older..." if he's already behaved like this? Your OP is very different to your follow up posts. What is the actual issue here - the breastfeeding or him not returning your daughter?

Fairenuff · 04/05/2017 20:17

There's no way a man like that could cope on his own with a baby. Especially one that might not sleep and might cry a lot. He's bluffing.

Benedikte2 · 04/05/2017 20:17

Get legal advice a sap and your solicitor will be able to get a residence order to prevent your ex from taking your DD. The police will act on that. It will be very quick as it is in the interests of a BF baby.
Other details re your DD's care and your ex's access can be sorted out by the court later. However, his solicitor will tell him not to be an idiot and that he can't win.

kaytee87 · 04/05/2017 20:18

No judge in the land will give overnight access to a breastfed baby or even a formula fed young baby who had been primarily cared for by their mother (e.g. On maternity leave). For him to even request it shows he doesn't have the child's best interests at heart. Most judges have families, a lot are woman and none are stupid.

LauraPalmersBodybag · 04/05/2017 20:19

Agree with pp - you should both be somewhere where he can't find you and with someone who can look after you. Family, friends, woman's shelter. You could call Woman's Aid if you need more practical help. Flowers

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 04/05/2017 20:20

It's typical abusive behaviour- to use your child as a weapon and threaten you with going for full custody so you're afraid and he has power over you.

I would suggest keeping a diary of what he's done and when and the threats he's made. You may be able to get an injunction out against him. He sounds completely irresponsible.

Marmalade85 · 04/05/2017 20:22

If he has threatened or attempted to abduct your child you're in every right to suspend contact until there is a residency order in place stipulating that your child lives with you. It's correct if he takes the baby the police will not return the child to you as he is the father and has parental responsibility if he is on the birth certificate. I'm going through the same and abduction is taken very seriously.

Questioningeverything · 04/05/2017 20:23

What a total dick! Like everyone else I'd be taking baby and not allowing him near until it had been settled in court given he's snatched her once

DisappearingFish · 04/05/2017 20:23

You need legal advice fast. He sounds unstable.

innagazing · 04/05/2017 20:23

I'm concerned that he is saying he will 'just take her anyway' if you don't agree to the contact he wants. You need to get some urgent legal advice.
You're right to insist that he only has her for short periods and not overnight whilst you are breastfeeding.It will be too distressing for the baby.
On no account agree to every weekend EVER. It's unreasonable and you need to have time with her too at weekends. You decide what seems the right level at the moment, based on your DD's needs not his, and if he isn't in agreement, tell him to get his own legal advice and to go to court to settle it. Unless there are truly exceptional reasons, courts usually give the majority of the care to mothers.
Don't hesitate to call the police if he gets out of hand.

Wormulonian · 04/05/2017 20:24

He is trying to intimidate, control and hurt you. Get legal advice and consider calling WA. Does he have a mother or other family who will be willing helpers with the baby. My friend's Ex wanted their Dc every weekend but he basically wanted them so he could cause her grief, let and restrict her quality time (she worked FT) with the DC and let his mum play babies.. He still went to the football and pub etc

ImperialBlether · 04/05/2017 20:24

I think you need legal advice.

How much did he have to do with the baby when he was at home?

Marmalade85 · 04/05/2017 20:24

Also a contact order would be for little and often so a few hours a week and no way a whole day and definitely no overnights. Let him take you to court, the process takes ages. Mine started in November and still ongoing.

Coastalcommand · 04/05/2017 20:24

Can your health visitor help? Give her a call and ask for an appointment. Tell her your concerns. She may be able to put something in place whereby he can't take your baby, or if so police will intervene.
Also report any issues of violence or threats of violence to you or the baby.

JamieXeed74 · 04/05/2017 20:25

Well contrary to popular opinion I would say courts are no longer bias to mothers. There is no reason why the baby has to be breast fed, there is no reason why the mother cant express. The presumption at court is to start from the position that both parents should have 50:50 care. It sounds like he is asking for less than this, so I think you should agree to it.

MovingtoParadise · 04/05/2017 20:27

Not true Jamie, not with a baby so young who is exclusively breast fed.

Marmalade85 · 04/05/2017 20:29

Absolute rubbish Jamie. The child is only 6m old.

ginswinger · 04/05/2017 20:29

Not true Jamie, a baby of that age is too young to be away from its primary carer. My DD would still only sleep on me at 12mo. I think 2.5yo is about the norm to expect overnight visitation for a child.

Original poster
Silvermockingbird · 04/05/2017 20:30

Thegentlemoose I'm meaning when she's older I wouldn't deny access at all or him having her overnight on weekends, I just think she is too young now especially with the breastfeeding.. and as someone pointed out yes in the future I would want weekends too but I was more trying to make a point to him that I am really not trying to be awkward, and really do just have her best interest at heart not trying to be difficult out of spite towards him with the days times ect he wants.

With the second post I just wanted to show i know he's not just saying it he really does intend to take her which frightens me, when we got back together last time I was thinking of seing someone anyways just for peace of mind incase it happened again but (really stupidly) it just got pushed to the back of my mind after we had sorted things out

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 04/05/2017 20:30

jamie honestly you're talking nonsense.

EezerGoode · 04/05/2017 20:31

What a dick...when he grows a pair of boobs and produces milk ,then he gets her for the weekend.dont be bullied.

lalalalyra · 04/05/2017 20:31

@jamieXeed74 Some mother's can't express - I BF'd my DD until she was 2 yet I tried 6 different pumps and barely got a drop.

Also the issue isn't just about what the baby is fed - it's how. The OP's baby has refused bottles in the past. So if her boobs aren't there and the baby won't take a bottle then how do you suggest she is fed for a whole weekend?

Courts aren't bias toward the mother or the father, courts are bias toward the child. In some cases that means fathers rightly getting more access then previously, but in this case how is taking a tiny baby away from it's food source and main carer in that baby's best interest?