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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not share private medical information

54 replies

Satsumabuma · 04/05/2017 09:40

I had surgery on Tuesday. It required a GA and strong painkillers/antibiotics. Unfortunately DS cane down with shingles on Monday. This meant we had to involve my MIL so there was someone to look after him. Ever since then she's been desperate to know what I had done. I don't want to tell her as I know from past experience she will tell everyone she knows (including friends of hers who have grandchildren at the same school as mine). She asked me outright 3 times what I had done (in front of my son)! I said I would rather not say and then she starts gesturing towards various parts of her body saying was it here or here. I was obviously extremely uncomfortable and still she went on. Why are some people so bloody intrusive! I actually had a work colleague ask me outright too as I had to arrange cover for being off.

I wouldn't dream of asking such a personal question. What's wrong with some people!

OP posts:

DuggeeHugs · 04/05/2017 09:45

YADNBU

Why people think they have a right to information like this is beyond me. And it's usually the gossips who are the most insistent.

Keep going with 'A necessary procedure that I don't wish to discuss'.

Hope you're feeling better soon

HildaOg · 04/05/2017 09:48

Yanbu. Look at her like she's crazy and tell her that your private business is not anybody else's business. Then tell her that if she wasn't such a gossip that you'd probably tell her more than what you're happy for the whole world to know.

Original poster

Satsumabuma · 04/05/2017 09:49

Thanks Duggee. The thing is, I probably would tell her if I thought she would keep it to herself, but I know she won't. I had a parent at my child's school I hadn't met be fore comment on my eldest DS being a IVF baby. Information my MIL had shared at some dinner party and then onto them via their parents. DS didn't even know!

OP posts:

Original poster

Satsumabuma · 04/05/2017 09:51

Exactly Hilda. The thing I don't understand is that I said I wasn't willing to say and she still kept on and on! Just horrible. I would never do that to someone.

OP posts:

Primaryteach87 · 04/05/2017 09:54

It's a bit unusual to that secretive although I can understand if she gossips a lot.

I've had some surgery for post birth complications. I've never felt the need to lie or not say, I just keep it vague if I don't want to share details e.g pelvic issues after the baby.

Mostly people want to know to be supportive.

Are you of a slightly older generation? I would say people in their twenties tend to be more open.

Having said all that, it's your body and you don't have to tell anyone anything,

NavyandWhite · 04/05/2017 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Satsumabuma · 04/05/2017 09:59

I'm 46 Primary. I don't see why people have to know details to be supportive. It's not as if they are my consultant and need to know for medical purposes. Don't people keep anything private nowadays? Surely medical issues are between the patient and their dr?

But you are right, I probably would share more if i thought she would keep it to herself but I know she won't. I've lost count of the times she's gossiped to me about some poor soul she knows. I just say i don't really want to hear it, but she still goes on.

OP posts:

Intransige · 04/05/2017 09:59

Next time she asks I would just say "I'm not willing to tell you because I don't believe you will keep my private information private, just as you didn't with my IVF. Please don't ask again as I won't tell you."

NavyandWhite · 04/05/2017 10:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Satsumabuma · 04/05/2017 10:06

Yes, I will do that Navy, but I really shouldn't have to. Surely it goes without saying that medical issues aren't fair game for gossip spreading purposes?

Maybe it's just me, but if someone shares sensitive information with me I don't then go and tell other people. I keep it to myself. It's not my information to share! I don't need to be given explicit instructions not to.

OP posts:

Original poster

Satsumabuma · 04/05/2017 10:11

The thing is I don't want to be hurtful or blunt with her, so I was rather hoping by saying once I didn't want to share the information that would be enough. I didn't expect to be pressed for it over and over.

In any case I will take the advice here (thank you) and be more direct. It seems I need hammer the message home a bit harder!

OP posts:

DJBaggySmalls · 04/05/2017 10:14

YANBU, many people dont understand the difference between secretive and privacy.

NavyandWhite · 04/05/2017 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BabytoBoris · 04/05/2017 10:17

I wonder if we share the same MIL? It's infuriating. Even a tiny bit of information gets discussed and she works hard to extract that info.

Original poster

Satsumabuma · 04/05/2017 10:18

I tried that with when we had IVF Navy and she still shared it amongst family and her friends. This is why I decided not to tell anything at all this time. If she doesn't know she can't share it.

OP posts:

Kokusai · 04/05/2017 10:19

I find it a bit odd that you wont say what you had done - medical intervention is not a shameful secret and I don't see why IVF is something to be shamed into keeping secret.

But if you think she is a terrible gossip just be honest rather than evasive "I can't tell you, because you won't be able to keep it to yourself. I was very upset when you shared my private medical information re DS and IVF at a dinner party."

DuggeeHugs · 04/05/2017 10:19

Satsuma I can see why you don't want to tell her after that. Did you or DH mention anything at the time? Could he have a quiet word with MIL that you feel more comfortable keeping information private and her repeated questioning is making you feel stressed and he's worried that will make your recovery longer?

She doesn't sound malicious but certainly far too open with your information.

JaxingJump · 04/05/2017 10:19

I'm just not a private person so find it hard to understand why the big secret but I would still respect your decision to not share.

I lived in a country where the body, its functions and anything medical was openly discussed. No embarrassment whatsoever. Loved that. Even when a male colleague told us across the boardroom table that he was taking some days off to get his haemorrhoids dealt with surgically. I was gobsmacked but without missing a beat the rest of the table started discussing the best donut they'd used then their piles had flared up etc. There was simply no embarrassment! Lol!

NotJanine · 04/05/2017 10:24

I would be concerned if a family member were having surgery, but if they didn't want to tell me I would assume it was probably something very personal and would leave it.

Sounds like she just likes a bit of gossip.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/05/2017 10:25

Just say to her that you're not going to tell her because you don't want it to become the hot topic of her next coffee morning or whatever she does!
She must know that she can't keep her trap shut, and if she doesn't, then point out the IVF thing.

I wouldn't tell her either - I don't like my private medical info being shared to all and sundry either.

Original poster

Satsumabuma · 04/05/2017 10:25

I'm certainly not ashamed of anything Kokusai! I just don't see why it's anyone else's boys business.

I come from a medical background so maybe that's why I feel this way but an individuals medical information is confidential in my opinion. If someone tells me something in confidence ( and no, they don't have to explicitly tell me not to pass it on) then I keep it to myself. That includes members of my family.

OP posts:

NavyandWhite · 04/05/2017 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jaysis · 04/05/2017 10:27

I find it a bit odd that you wont say what you had done - medical intervention is not a shameful secret and I don't see why IVF is something to be shamed into keeping secret.

It's not up to the MIL to decide that though.

Primaryteach87 · 04/05/2017 10:28

I can see if she shared about IVF despite being asked not to that that would be very upsetting.

Yes, be more blunt.

nowitcomesout · 04/05/2017 10:28

My MIL is exactly like this and will question us separately to get her information. We don't tell her anything now as a matter of routine and she thinks we're boring. Hey ho.

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