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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not share private medical information

54 replies

Satsumabuma · 04/05/2017 09:40

I had surgery on Tuesday. It required a GA and strong painkillers/antibiotics. Unfortunately DS cane down with shingles on Monday. This meant we had to involve my MIL so there was someone to look after him. Ever since then she's been desperate to know what I had done. I don't want to tell her as I know from past experience she will tell everyone she knows (including friends of hers who have grandchildren at the same school as mine). She asked me outright 3 times what I had done (in front of my son)! I said I would rather not say and then she starts gesturing towards various parts of her body saying was it here or here. I was obviously extremely uncomfortable and still she went on. Why are some people so bloody intrusive! I actually had a work colleague ask me outright too as I had to arrange cover for being off.

I wouldn't dream of asking such a personal question. What's wrong with some people!

OP posts:

NavyandWhite · 04/05/2017 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenEnid · 04/05/2017 10:30

@Satsumabuma ydanbu
I think we share the same mil. Mine seems to think that she can ask any questions she likes about anything and then discuss said business with anyone she likes !
We are due to have a conversation next week that she doesn't yet know about as I have had enough.
She was a medical professional too so she knows all about confidentiality but evidently dismisses that when it's something she wants to talk about.

Tell her to fuck off. Altho I am maybe hormonal and fuming with mine at the moment so my advice is probably not very constructive! 😂

NavyandWhite · 04/05/2017 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blobby10 · 04/05/2017 10:33

Sounds like my own darling mum!! She considers 'keeping it to herself' as 'only' telling my father, my sisters, my brother oh and her own brother too!! She genuinely doesn't see anything wrong with it so now I just dont tell her anything private.

However, in her defence, if I said I didn't want to talk about something or didn't want to say (eg if a medical procedure like OP) she wouldn't keep going on.

scaryteacher · 04/05/2017 10:33

I told my Mum about a medical issue, and the next thing I knew my db was ringing me up about it. I made it very clear that I hadn't given explicit permission for her to discuss it, but she just said that's how she was, and as I hadn't explicitly forbidden her from talking about it, she would do as she pleased. I now don't tell her anything.

Wombletor · 04/05/2017 10:36

Yanbu. It's your business and she obviously wants to know as she likes gossip. My DM is the same, doesn't ask because she cares just wants to go away and chat about it over dinner!

UppityHumpty · 04/05/2017 10:37

I personally don't care if my mum/mil do gossip about me (they both have form). If they need to take care of my kids because I'm going to go under GA then I'll let them know why. GA carries a huge complication risk.

Original poster

Satsumabuma · 04/05/2017 10:37

Exactly scary. You shouldn't have to explicitly tell someone not to share something as obvious as a medical issue. These are grown people, not children.

OP posts:

NavyandWhite · 04/05/2017 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jaysis · 04/05/2017 10:43

Are we sisters? Mum's 'keeping it a secret' also includes the local chemist staff, and random acquaintances. My mum prides herself on not getting involved in the village gossip. Trouble is that her children are her gossip fodder, so I wish she would gossip her head off about Mrs So-and-So in the village rather than us.

While I'm relatively open about our fertility difficulties, when my mum discussed it in detail with a woman she casually knew (and who I never met before) in front of me unprompted I just thought "Ok, wont be telling you the really private stuff. Ever." So I only talk small talk with her, a shame really.

Sidge · 04/05/2017 10:44

If she asks again just tell her some outlandish stuff - "I've had a head transplant" or "I broke my gurglesprocket".

I'm pretty open about medical stuff but knowing that someone is going to tell all and sundry doesn't endear you to them or encourage you to divulge personal info. I don't blame you one bit.

Sparklingbrook · 04/05/2017 10:49

I never tell anyone about anything medical concerning myself or my family.
I have relatives who think nothing of gossiping about other relatives medical goings on and I don't want to know about theirs TBH.

SabineUndine · 04/05/2017 10:49

YANU. My DM would gossip about anything personal I told her which is why I don't tell her anything personal at all now. Even if your MIL promises not to tell other people, she will, she's clearly the sort of person who uses information like this as social currency. Some people just have no boundaries.

It's not being secretive, it's about privacy.

Sparklingbrook · 04/05/2017 10:53

I once told a relative about something minor to do with a member our family's health. Chinese whispers ensued until a few days later I got a worried call from another relative having been told the minor thing was very very serious and something completely different.

iseenodust · 04/05/2017 10:53

YANBU If you want to keep your medical issues private you are allowed to. She should respect our decision. Tell her you are using it as an opportunity to model respect and privacy to your DS.

notanevilstepmother · 04/05/2017 10:55

How awful for you. I was at my next door neighbours party once, we were friendly enough, but not close friends if you see what I mean. She would invite us out of politeness and we would go for a while, I liked them and they were a lovely couple, but we had our own friends and just chatted about trivia and took in parcels and kept an eye out for the pets etc. We didn't have deep personal conversations.

Her mother in law told me how sad she was that my neighbour couldn't have children and how she had discussed with her son whether he should find someone else to marry! I think my neighbour heard most of this conversation. Awkward.

I was appalled and shocked, but I was much younger then. I didn't know where to put myself or what to say. I was having my own fertility issues at the time as well.

Anyway, coming back to the point, you are not being unreasonable to refuse to tell her if she has no boundaries and can't keep her trap shut.

problembottom · 04/05/2017 10:55

I was off work for an operation last week and told my friend at work but no-one else. My friend says our boss and the next boss up spent the week quizzing her about it! We both thought that was pretty rude.

problembottom · 04/05/2017 10:56

blankmind · 04/05/2017 10:58

Even if your MIL promises not to tell other people, she will, she's clearly the sort of person who uses information like this as social currency. Some people just have no boundaries

Absolutely agree, just say absolutely nothing.Tell her it's because she can't mind her own business or be trusted with a confidence.

But I'd deliberately lie and say I'd had a sex change or labiaplasty or tattoo removal of something obscene in the nethers or something else she wasn't likely to physically see, just to see what she did with that information, then explain to everyone she gossiped it to that you said it to see how much she would 'share' anything you'd said was private.

picklemepopcorn · 04/05/2017 11:04

I am very open about things, so wouldn't be bothered, however... As you have every right to your privacy I would answer very calmly next time she asks, "I'd love to tell you, MIL, but you told everyone about the IVF even though I asked you not to. I am not going to tell you this because I do not want everyone to know."
Don't be sharp or tetchy, just very relaxed and calm. She'll struggle to argue.

Chinnygirl · 04/05/2017 11:21

"I'm not telling you because you have gossiped before. Please stop being nosy"

Repeat indefinately

Jaysis · 04/05/2017 11:25

I broke my gurglesprocket

Brilliant

DaniHood · 04/05/2017 11:29

I agree with you OP .

Rightly or wrongly I would have made something up

RaspberryOverloadsOnChilli · 04/05/2017 13:32

If someone I know has had an operation I might tell someone else I know about it during a conversation unless the person had distinctly asked me not to of course.

Actually, I think this is the wrong way round. You shouldn't be telling anyone else, unless the person has given you permission to discuss it. It's not your information.

My mum can keep information private, but I never tell Dad anything I don't want passing on, as he's up there for the award for the person with the biggest gob. He can't keep anything quiet.

Ohyesiam · 04/05/2017 13:42

Yadnbu, why should you tell people you don't want to. It's nothing to do with shame as pps have said, it's to do with privacy.
My mil has been pushing to know about my health issues, v and I won't budge. She has lots of symptoms and operations which she is keen for everyone to know about often during mealtimes. I am an ex nurse, I support her well, I don't need details to do that, and she's definitely not getting mine.

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