. . . to expect more contact from DP when he's away?

[ZiggyForever]

The major bone of contention in our relationship is how DP does (or doesn't) keep in touch with me when he's away. I accept that he needs to travel for work and I don't want to have a negative impact on that. The evenings are very sociable and they're always out eating and drinking and DP enjoys it, so it's not really a hardship for him to be away from home. It can be difficult for me because, as well as missing him, he spends a lot of time entertaining female clients, one or two he freely admits to finding attractive, and historically he hasn't been good at keeping in touch when he's away which has caused arguments. He's also done a couple of unwise things in the past, but not with me, and I do believe he wouldn't cheat on me.

This week he's away for four days. Before he left, I tried to make sure we had a nice evening together to ensure we parted on a loving, happy note. But he didn't seem to want to engage and just sat on the sofa watching movies, so I kind-of gave up trying to get his attention, feeling a little hard done by.

For this trip, I'd suggested that we don't contact each other, as if I don't expect to hear from him, then I won't be disappointed if he doesn't message me. It removes the obligation on him to send me the occasional courtesy texts I used to ask for but he wasn't very good/consistent at sending and avoids the upset I'd feel when I expected to hear from him but didn't.

Basically, I don't want to argue. No-contact means there is no expectation that he fails to live up to. It's extreme, but at this point I just don't want to argue.

But, late on the first night away, he messaged to say he was back in his room, and we had a brief conversation, then at 10am the next day he messaged "Morning x" so I let him know my plans for the day (drinks after work etc.) I assumed the no-contact thing wasn't happening (he wasn't that keen anyway). But instead of letting me know what his plans were in return, I heard nothing more from him, and then later in the evening Facebook informed me he was somewhere random - not a million miles away from where I thought he was, but clearly the evening jolly was more adventurous than usual. But he hadn't bothered to message me at all, and I didn't know if he even planned to at some point.

I'm so annoyed because I feel like if he didn't want to do no-contact, then he should at least let me know where he is and what his plans are - just a message or two during the day or evening, NOT constant updates or anything.

At the moment I feel like he just messages me very occasionally when it suits him; other than that he totally forgets about me because he's off enjoying himself. It's as if he has a whole other life that I know nothing about.

I fear I'm about to get flamed for being an insecure crazy woman but . . . AIBU?

dont tell that to us.

Tell it to DP for next time

*sigh

I did.

He agreed.

But didn't do it.

Repeatedly.

That's why I wanted to try no contact. It was a last resort.

If you're going to comment, please do me the courtesy of reading what I've written first

You are really making this into too big an issue. Basically telling him what you want him to say in a text?! And then this daft "no contact"?

He's away with work, not on holiday.

I asked earlier but you might have missed it, how long have you been together?

i have read it all, but to be honest, a lot is confusing and contradictory, hence my straightforward question.

well tell him again, stress how important it is to you that he keeps to whatever agreement is made. if he doesn't then you need to decide on how you will cope with his lack of communication going forward or ltb

OP do you really want to be with someone who you have to beg for communication/interaction/attention?

I'd feel about an inch tall having to beg my partner for basic chat, and him seeing it as a chore as yours clearly does

I haven't read the whole thread only the first page but I really don't understand how all the women on MN are so cool and not a little bit concerned about their partners being away most of the week entertaining female clients whilst mentioning that he finds them attractive and not bothering to contact his gf! I must be a psycho but that would be the deal breaker for me. I don't think you are being unreasanable at all to expect your bf to keep in touch and let you know what part of a country he is! Surely that's the very least?! To me it shows a complete lack of respect and disregard for your feelings

The person travelling and away is usually busier than the one at home, plus wifi and phone signal can be dodgy

Traveling for work. With a work phone contract... I can honestly count on one hand the times I've had 'dodgy' phone reception such that I couldn't send an iMessage

My dp is away a lot with work and we are in contact the whole time. In the nearly 6 years we have been together we have never gone a day where we have not sent a message or had some contact.
Other half sends me a message in the morning when he wakes, at lunchtime and then at nighttime. He does this whatever time zone he is in and I often stay up until crazy o'clock to have a quick chat with him before he goes to sleep.
Today he's been away since 6am and i've had about 10 messages so far. I know some people would find that too much but it works for us. We also share a diary so we can work out where we are which keeps track of travel and other things.
Your partner doesn't seem to get that you need a quick text every day just to keep up with him and making sure everything is ok. Maybe the best way to go about it is to actually switch your phone off. He may miss you not being available all the time and may make some changes. The other option is to explain again that you want to know that you are at least somewhere on his list and not forgotten about while he's having fun.
I personally find staying in touch really important and a silly message during the day shows that my other half is thinking of me even while he's busy. I don't think I could be in this relationship if we didn't message while he's away as we would never get time together at all. I'm just lucky enough that my other half feels the same.

As PP has said, what other people do is irrelevant- what matters is what the two of you agree is acceptable. At the moment you clearly have differing expectations of what is an acceptable level of contact. If you can’t agree on it, then it’s up to you if it’s a dealbreaker or not.

For what it’s worth, the ‘stuff in his distant past’ is probably having an effect on your desire to know what he’s up to, even if you don’t realise it. I don’t doubt that most people would be interested to know what their partner (as PP said, it’s just conversation and taking an interest), but your upset at not getting this information may possibly be linked to trust. Otherwise I am not sure why you brought it up, or mentioned him finding other women attractive in your OP.

I agree that if you want to know his itinerary when travelling then you could ask him to give you that before he goes

I don't think Op wants his 'itinerary'. I think as a PP put it so well, it's about knowing the mundane details that preserve a connection and intimacy.

My DP used to travel away for work at months at a time. It was shit. That was before face time too! It was really important to share the kinds of details we would have shared if we were seeing each other at home every night for me. Now with face time and iMessage it's much easier, and I do the traveling but only for a few days at a time.

I'm not a texted at all so I can understand why someone avoids it.

But it was cruel of DH to text you you when you asked him not to contact you so that you wouldn't expect contact from him.

It's almost as if he didn't like you happily going about your business, not expecting a text from him. You had the control for once.

He clearly isn't listening OP so I would texting him unless it's really necessary. Just factual texts, no hellos, kisses etc. See how he likes that!

*texter not texted

*stop texting him unless it's necessary

I don't think people are boasting, merely pointing out that there are different ways of feeling when your partner travels. And think about it how much nicer it must be not to worry about this stuff?
I do get where you are coming felt and felt similarly at one point (this is 15 years ago) and it lead to me being a bit of an arse (not replying to text messages for day to punish him FGS, he was too busy to notice whilst I was stewing on it).
For me it came from being cheated on in the past and worrying that I was less important than work and his work colleagues.
I eventually told him and he was dumbfounded that I'd feel like that. He now texts too often, honestly lots of boring details about people I have no interest in which I feel obliged to respond to .
Talk to him again, be really honest about how it makes you feel and ask him to support your feelings in this instance - but you know, be careful what you wish for!

OP, you need to manage your expectations. Suggesting your partner doesn't contact you at all as a "last resort" is very controlling. You're saying that unless he texts you in the way you want (primarily about his location) you don't want him to text at all.

Instead you can tell yourself, sometimes he'll text, sometimes he won't, and manage your own anxiety.

This business of him "being unwise" in the past suggests he's got close to cheating with other women and you clearly have anxiety about that. You say you trust him and I think you want to, but you have these nagging doubts he's going somewhere "fun" and "adventurous" without you.

He's not going to communicate in the way you ideally want, so what other ways are there for you to manage your expectations and your anxiety?

It's almost as if he didn't like you happily going about your business, not expecting a text from him. You had the control for once.

This.

Also, you're NBU at all OP. Me and my DH are very communicative and that's in general, although only with each other, we are very introverted to others. He or I do not work away but he does a night shift every few weeks.

You have different needs from him but he's pushing that to one side. And it does matter to you so it should matter to him. I don't think you're even asking that much!

A PP has mentioned a calendar that she and her DH use to keep track of where they are throughout the month. Would something like that help? If he kept it updated you will know where he is, which should reduce the anxiety there. Then the issue of him not texting general chit chat will become a separate issue that you can address. Have you told him you want reassurance? The "bonus" text you mention of him saying love you sounds to me like you need that above all else - my DH and I don't go a day without texting that to each other even when we are away and busy. In fact sometimes that's all I get in a day.

The trouble with insisting someone contact you x number of times a day, the OP has admitted once isn't enough it has to be 2-3 times a day is that the person feeling forced to do it feels resentful so it's not a spontaneous affectionate chat but a "duty text" to keep her indoors happy.
Is that really what you want?
If my husband insisted I texted him at least twice a day I would find that controlling and clingy.
If I'm at a loose end or doing something I think he'd be interested in he might get several messages. If I'm busy and not got time to sit antisocially typing in to a widget he might get none.
The problem here seems to be one of power balance in that the OP sounds more needy and to have less going on in her life than her partner who seems to have more power in the relationship.

I'm not sure why he would tell you that be finds the female clients he 'entertains' attractive? Why would he do that? I occasionally cross paths with attractive guys, but I don't comment on the attractiveness of other men to my husband. And I'd definitely not do that if I was away on business having dinners with them etc..it's weird

Agree papa. I'm definitely getting the vibe of "upper hand" there.

hi OP I have some sympathies with you as essentially you feel your needs and wishes are not being respected. That's important and you need to get to the bottom of why it matters - I feel reading this that you slightly mistrust him and feel that you want him to give you a bit of attention etc so that you can know he is thinking of you.

BUT - I don't think it's extreme to say that I genuinely wouldn't need this level of response from my own DH and I'm very much in love with him ! and we have kids - but I know he is busy and I don't need to know the detail of his day while he is working. I often don't know where he is in england and I don't care...I find out when he is back and we get to properly talk.

I get a text in the morning and one late in the evening - he really wouldn't be bothering to tell me the details of his day - so I do think you should think about why it matters.

I'm not criticising how you feel - but it does seem there is some insecurity underneath this -you mention him going out in the evenings and it seems this bothers you a bit. before phones, there would not have been lots of texts, just a daily call at most. Can't that be enough? And then you enjoy catching up when you are back .

wow. break up with him and stop stalking him

@yourdigitalson she probably has seeing as this thread is from 2017!