. . . to expect more contact from DP when he's away?

[ZiggyForever]

The major bone of contention in our relationship is how DP does (or doesn't) keep in touch with me when he's away. I accept that he needs to travel for work and I don't want to have a negative impact on that. The evenings are very sociable and they're always out eating and drinking and DP enjoys it, so it's not really a hardship for him to be away from home. It can be difficult for me because, as well as missing him, he spends a lot of time entertaining female clients, one or two he freely admits to finding attractive, and historically he hasn't been good at keeping in touch when he's away which has caused arguments. He's also done a couple of unwise things in the past, but not with me, and I do believe he wouldn't cheat on me.

This week he's away for four days. Before he left, I tried to make sure we had a nice evening together to ensure we parted on a loving, happy note. But he didn't seem to want to engage and just sat on the sofa watching movies, so I kind-of gave up trying to get his attention, feeling a little hard done by.

For this trip, I'd suggested that we don't contact each other, as if I don't expect to hear from him, then I won't be disappointed if he doesn't message me. It removes the obligation on him to send me the occasional courtesy texts I used to ask for but he wasn't very good/consistent at sending and avoids the upset I'd feel when I expected to hear from him but didn't.

Basically, I don't want to argue. No-contact means there is no expectation that he fails to live up to. It's extreme, but at this point I just don't want to argue.

But, late on the first night away, he messaged to say he was back in his room, and we had a brief conversation, then at 10am the next day he messaged "Morning x" so I let him know my plans for the day (drinks after work etc.) I assumed the no-contact thing wasn't happening (he wasn't that keen anyway). But instead of letting me know what his plans were in return, I heard nothing more from him, and then later in the evening Facebook informed me he was somewhere random - not a million miles away from where I thought he was, but clearly the evening jolly was more adventurous than usual. But he hadn't bothered to message me at all, and I didn't know if he even planned to at some point.

I'm so annoyed because I feel like if he didn't want to do no-contact, then he should at least let me know where he is and what his plans are - just a message or two during the day or evening, NOT constant updates or anything.

At the moment I feel like he just messages me very occasionally when it suits him; other than that he totally forgets about me because he's off enjoying himself. It's as if he has a whole other life that I know nothing about.

I fear I'm about to get flamed for being an insecure crazy woman but . . . AIBU?

The trouble is that you 'expect more contact' as per the title of your thread but then you've imposed no contact. Presumably that's because this hurts you and you're trying to limit that hurt. My point is that you cannot make him do what you want so it may be worth examining why this is painful for you.

It's probably more constructive to do that than to try and make him make you feel better.

It is more contact you want or more info on what he's doing? If you don't want to be woken at 1 am, you also can't expect him to stay up til 1am in his time zone to make contact.

Mr Peg travels a lot for work, most of it in different time zones. He is so busy I dont want the added pressure for him to find time to make contact in home time zone, plus I keep really erratic hours when he isn't here so I just tell him just to ring, text, email whatever when it's convenient for him.

I love now getting emails during his long haul flights; I used to write those 12 or 14 hour blocks off and if awake would check on flight radar or similar every so often just to make sure plane was still in air and heading in right direction he does always text before switching to flight mode and once landed just so I know.

But you do want him to tell you his plans for the day feel like if he didn't want to do no-contact, then he should at least let me know where he is and what his plans are why?

Someone constantly wanting me to tell them every single day where I was and what I was doing would drive me insane! I'd be running for the hills.

Why can't he just text you Good morning becuase he was thinking of you, missing you. Why when he contacts you does he have to tell you his plans for the day?

If you have trust in a relationship this kind of stuff doesn't really bother you, if your insecure about him going away for work and being out with women in a work related manner then you need to address that

I would be pretty annoyed if my dh wanted that level of contact when was away. Irregular is spot on about he contacted you because he felt like it, which is good, and thinking he 'broke no contact'doinv that is weird. Also I wouldn't expect to know where he went out to dinner or any details like that. I could probably agree to saying hi once a day , but i wouldn't even make dinner plans till I'd met my team at 7pm in the lobby and said 'so what's going on tonight'. It's different now we have kids, id call to speak to my son, but that's how we operated before.

Just to add, I'm currently on mat leave and have been for 6 months. I thought I may become dependent on DH's calls to check in, and I didn't want to be. I don't ever call or text him during the day unless it's something really important. It wouldn't cross my mind to - he's at work. As a result, he calls me more often as there is no pressure for him to. If he gets a spare 5 mins he will ring and say hi. If there was an expectation or tension there he probably wouldn't do it as much.

Lilac - you said the no-contact thing would limit the hurt - I think that's bang-on. If I don't expect to hear from him at all, then it doesn't hurt when I don't. So I'm trying to protect myself really.

Also - sorry if it was misleading, the 1am thing is because he'd be out partying, not that he's in a different time zone!

Why can't he just text you Good morning becuase he was thinking of you, missing you.
OP is asking for occasional texts, and/or a reply to one she sent him. I think the problem is that he doesn't seem to be missing her or thinking about her while he's out enjoying himself. It's not difficult to send an odd text throughout the day, as evidenced by the number of pp on here who do get emails /texts/random messages while OH is away.

OP....you said to us (with a slight air of impatience?) "To be clear - again - I don't want details. etc etc.". But it seems that we on this thread - for the most part - are not clear what it is exactly that you want these messages from your DP to say, even though you feel you've explained it to us "Clear(ly) - again" Could it be that he simply isn't clear either? He sounds like he is trying to communicate spontaneously (i.e. he wanted to say "good morning" to you, presumably because he missed you) yet you have an idea in your mind that you want his text messages to follow a certain template each time: brief, with a greeting, followed by what effectively amounts to a geographical location. Have you really been that specific with him even at the risk of sapping all spontaneity in the bud and turning it into an obligation?

So do you know the bare bones of where he is - eg you know he's in Manchester but not which specific hotel - or does he just go off and he could be in Abu Dhabi or Aberdeen? Because I think that would possibly be tricky for me.

I go away with work frequently. I tell DH where I am going (the city) and if I'm staying in a particularly nice hotel or new area or whatever I may mention it, but he would probably not retain the info as I would only mention at the time of booking not the day I go, iyswim.

I think others have it right when they say you have been a little inconsistent, because you said no contact then he texted you, and in your later updates you said as he had decided to text despite the no contact agreement, you thought he could have sent a few texts here and there. I mean this kindly, but he did send a few texts here and there, and it still didn't seem sufficient to you. So it does sound as though he can't do right for doing wrong. When I'm away with work, I rarely text DH in the day other than to say hello in the morning, and I may ring him in the evening, but neither of us would mind if contact was minimal because we are both at work, and trust each other.

If however he disappears and you have no idea where in the world he is, that's when I would be more concerned.

No, I don't have a prescribed template or frequency of message or detail requirement . . . I guess, at a minimum if someone asks me where DP is I'd like to give a confident answer instead of "erm . . . I'm not sure, I THINK he's in XTown" and ideally I'd like two or three messages per day - "good morning, off to XTown today" "had a great evening, goodnight" and maybe a bonus "love you"

I mean, him asking about my day or what I'm up to is probably too much to ask, by the sounds of it . . .

Oh and we've talked about it/argued about it loads, and he always says two or three messages per day is fine and he can manage that, but then he never does it, which is why we argue - I expect him to follow through with what we've agreed. So the no-contact thing was desperation on my part, but I think I knew it was counter-productive.

Very honest of you.

My advice would be to work on how you're feeling. He's not intentionally making you feel like that. But if we are examining feelings then it's worth remembering that because of this situation every time he feels like contacting you, or thinks of you, he's likely to feel guilty or bad. Then he will associate that feeling with you. Try and change that and watch the difference in him.

You're reacting purely to the fact that you feel bad which is an emotional reaction and not helpful in your relationship. Find ways to make yourself feel good and then when he does contact you, say thank you and when he gets home explain that you absolutely love getting his texts. All positives and happiness. Then he will associate that feeling with contacting you and will want to contact you without you prompting.

I'm going to try and be fair here: I don't think there's a right answer to this. My husband goes away for business, he phones every night and quite frankly, it drives me batshit. I'm a solitary soul, I don't crave much interaction and his little phonecalls irritate the fuck out of me. I don't say anything to him about them because that's just how he is. His whole family are the same.

However, you seem to need the contact. I suspect you're more extroverted than I am. Nothing wrong with that but your need for information would drive me mad TBH and I'd wonder if you trusted me.

One thing which does strike me from your OP is your mention of other women and his entertaining. Do you trust him OP? It doesn't sound as though you completely do.

Good job we are all different. Your neediness would drive me mad. I've just been away for several days and was so busy (not partying) that I managed quick 'morning' and 'goodnight' texts. DH knew roughly where i was and no more, he was fine with that. Your not okay with that but your DP maybe.

No, I definitely don't want phone calls, especially since I'm often out or busy, just a couple of messages would do.

I don't believe he'd cheat on me - I think he's learned from his mistakes in the distant past. It's not impossible that he would have a lapse of judgement though, which probably does make sticking to what we've agreed important to me.

Hi Penfold - maybe you didn't have time to read the thread; a couple of messages and to know roughly where he is is all I'm asking for, so I'd be totally happy with what you've done.

We send each other a message once a day that we are still alive. If busy, it could actually just be "goodmorning". For is, this is enough. DH is a contractor and I spend some if my week in a different city because of work. I sometimes find out the next day that he had lunch with soneone or in which town he was. If we do both have time we have a long evening talk on the phone.

It sounds like he is at least texting you once a day. You sound very insecure and very unhappy of being separated so much. You also hint that if you have kids things will have to change. They probably won't though. Is this really the relationship for you?

I think he's learned from his mistakes in the distant past

What does that mean?

I think you're coming across as a little needy to be honest. Why do you need to know where he's going for dinner or where he is all the time? Focus on your own stuff and stop worrying about hearing from him when he's away. If you really trust him then you should be fine.

My DP travels a lot at short notice to unusual destinations not of schedule airlines, he is not forces, but can't discuss his work or sometimes where he is.
His work is ridiculous long hours and time zones can make it hard.
I like him to know what we have been doing so I send a detailed email each day as I know he really enjoys reading them. I accept that he has no capacity to reply and just enjoy the brief texts I get some times 'Love you' is it for the day.
I would love to know exactly where he is what he is doing, but he can't do that. Pushing him for more would put a huge strain on our relationship. Sometimes you have to accept what you have got.

I think you are actually being a little unreasonable. I was expecting from your title that he wasnt texting you for whole days or something. From the sounds of it though he texts you quite often just not exactly when you think he should with all the details that you want!
It is quite annoying to feel obligated to communicate with someone. Is that what you really want anyway? Would you not rather have genuine texts when hes thinking of you rather than ones he feels he has to send?
Its not like hes going whole days without speaking to you.
Id consider myself very close to my partner but when i recently went away with my friend for a week i only spoke to him once every other day.
Now im not saying thats the right way to do things, everyone does things differently but the thing is the level your partner communicates with you is not actually odd or indicitive of him not caring about you at all. You seem to think its an unusually low level of communication when it actually isnt.
I think this is more about you being sad that he is busy and enjoying himself. Perhaps take a step back from this and make sure you are busy and enjoying yourself rather than resentful of him.

I don't mind being apart - that's not an issue.

I do find it quite amusing - well, a little sad, if I'm honest - that people are almost boasting about how little they contact their husbands and wives. As if it's something to be proud of! I'd be ashamed of myself if I went away for a few days and didn't contact my partner. I'd also be concerned as to why I didn't feel the need or desire to - it could show a lack of interest or a lack of intimacy.

He's done a couple of unwise things in the past - I don't want to say exactly what, but the important thing is I do trust him now.

Bat - I do understand what you're saying, but if he agrees to do something, ie message at least once a day, shouldn't he do it . . . ?

He's done a couple of unwise things in the past - I don't want to say exactly what, but the important thing is I do trust him now

Sounds like unfinished business to me. If he has cheated on you in the past then I understand your need for contact more. This is something which needs addressing by the sounds of it.

It's not sad to do your own thing BTW. We're all different - thank god. What matters is how each partner feels about differences in personality. Sounds like you're struggling with that.