. . . to expect more contact from DP when he's away?

[ZiggyForever]

The major bone of contention in our relationship is how DP does (or doesn't) keep in touch with me when he's away. I accept that he needs to travel for work and I don't want to have a negative impact on that. The evenings are very sociable and they're always out eating and drinking and DP enjoys it, so it's not really a hardship for him to be away from home. It can be difficult for me because, as well as missing him, he spends a lot of time entertaining female clients, one or two he freely admits to finding attractive, and historically he hasn't been good at keeping in touch when he's away which has caused arguments. He's also done a couple of unwise things in the past, but not with me, and I do believe he wouldn't cheat on me.

This week he's away for four days. Before he left, I tried to make sure we had a nice evening together to ensure we parted on a loving, happy note. But he didn't seem to want to engage and just sat on the sofa watching movies, so I kind-of gave up trying to get his attention, feeling a little hard done by.

For this trip, I'd suggested that we don't contact each other, as if I don't expect to hear from him, then I won't be disappointed if he doesn't message me. It removes the obligation on him to send me the occasional courtesy texts I used to ask for but he wasn't very good/consistent at sending and avoids the upset I'd feel when I expected to hear from him but didn't.

Basically, I don't want to argue. No-contact means there is no expectation that he fails to live up to. It's extreme, but at this point I just don't want to argue.

But, late on the first night away, he messaged to say he was back in his room, and we had a brief conversation, then at 10am the next day he messaged "Morning x" so I let him know my plans for the day (drinks after work etc.) I assumed the no-contact thing wasn't happening (he wasn't that keen anyway). But instead of letting me know what his plans were in return, I heard nothing more from him, and then later in the evening Facebook informed me he was somewhere random - not a million miles away from where I thought he was, but clearly the evening jolly was more adventurous than usual. But he hadn't bothered to message me at all, and I didn't know if he even planned to at some point.

I'm so annoyed because I feel like if he didn't want to do no-contact, then he should at least let me know where he is and what his plans are - just a message or two during the day or evening, NOT constant updates or anything.

At the moment I feel like he just messages me very occasionally when it suits him; other than that he totally forgets about me because he's off enjoying himself. It's as if he has a whole other life that I know nothing about.

I fear I'm about to get flamed for being an insecure crazy woman but . . . AIBU?

I think you are being unreasonable.
You're trying to dictate how and when he communicates with you, which I would find utterly stifling.
You sound quite demanding and unwilling to accept that yabu so I don't really understand why you've posted.
Perhaps you could make him a timetable of what to text and when, or get him to set reminders on his phone

I genuinely don't understand why you need to know where he is going/having dinner etc
Why? What are you going to do with this information??

You say you want to be able to confidently tell people where he is - surely he tells you where he's going before he actually leaves? Don't you have a - "Don't forget I'm away in London Wednesday to Friday this week" kind of conversation??
And as for telling people, they don't need to know the specific postcode, they say "Where's John?" You say, "oh he's in London for work, be back at weekend" you don't have to say "he's in London, Westminster, X street in X restaraunt and he's having the Seabass followed by tiramisu"

I'm genuinely baffled as to why you need so.much.information

Also, if I was in a relationship with someone who I had to set conditions with to communicate with me, and beg and plead with them to contact me and actually want to speak to me ... Well I wouldn't really think I was in a relationship at all
If he doesn't want to talk to you, why is he with you? That's the very basis of a relationship isn't it; talking to someone and enjoying doing so?
What are you getting out of this, besides being made to feel a bit shit?

Do people who say "I would hate to have to tell my partner what I'm doing" really think like that?

I find "how are you? What are you up to?" To be normal conversation.

I generally tell DP what I'm up to "got a meeting out of the office today then seeing Jane tonight for dinner" or "not much, just work". Or if I'm on holiday "Busy day ahead, going to see if we can hire a boat for day."

Surely that kind of chat is just normal? It's not checking up, it's just being communicative.

I genuinely don't understand why you need to know where he is going/having dinner etc
Why? What are you going to do with this information?

So you can chat about it?

What are you up to?
Going for dinner with Bob and Jane at a Spanish restaurant.
Have fun, I'm still at work. Got to get a report our.

How was dinner? I'm just leaving work.
Dinner was good thanks, good was great. Was quite like where we went in Madrid. Did you get your report done it you going to work at home later?

It's just conversation!!!

I don't think it is conversation in this context though
Conversation is a 2 way thing
OP has said she doesn't want text conversations, just random updates throughout the day about where he is and where he's going
That's not a conversation

Oh thank you Kokusai - a voice of reason

I'd love to chat about what we've done during our days, what interesting things we've done or seen, funny things that happened etc. . . . when we can. If not, if we're both out and about, that's fine, we'll catch up properly when we see each other again.

Just common courtesy stuff, really.

Do people who say "I would hate to have to tell my partner what I'm doing" really think like that?
But there's a big difference between choosing to share random information at random times (normal semi-conversation) and feeling obliged to provide specifics without fail each day (obeying orders).

And there's a big difference between wanting to know roughly what town/city your DH is currently staying in and being an insecure, demanding, militant, suffocating nag . . .

It's all so extreme on here these days

I'm always in touch with DH when one of us is away... from a quick morning text to say Hi, have a good day, to an evening text, or a phonecall (leaving voice message if we can't pick up). I'd find it very strange to not have any contact at all during the day. And it's not being nosy about needing to know exactly where we are/who we're with/what we're eating etc., more a common interest in each other's day.

OP has said she doesn't want text conversations, just random updates throughout the day about where he is and where he's going

I kinda do consider that a chat via text? That's the beauty of text you can reply when it suits.

I wonder why you are judging those of us who do not keep exact tabs on our partners' whereabouts, calling it sad. Most of us have kids, so will be more concerned with their well-being and there is an intensity to being the only available parent at any one time. Knowing exactly where the other half is entertaining clients is less of a priority when you are dealing with multiple bedtimes, stories, all the washing, all the cooking, and packing bags for next morning, while keeping on top of your own work. It doesn't indicate lack of desire for intimacy, necessarily. Besides, we are not the ones complaining about the level of contact in our relationships.

I am not judging you for how often or seldom you wish to contact your partner, but you seem to be on the defensive about this issue. Several people have already suggested that you should examine why the lack of contact bothers you so much. Perhaps this is something you cannot compromise on, which is fine, but it would be helpful if your partner was on the same page. Do you feel important to him? Do you suffer from anxiety?

What is sad is the fact that he does not want to accommodate your request for more contact, even though it is plainly making you unhappy.

I know you say you would rather not mention the unwise things he's done in the past, but it is worrying that you are unable to disclose your past problems, which may be relevant to the present situation. Either you have dealt with them as a couple, or you have not. Which is it?

YABU to post in AIBU when you're not willing to be told YABU. If only people agreeing with you are "a voice of reason", what was the point of posting this?

You don't sound at all like you trust him. I would like to think my DH would check in with a brief message if he was away for a while BUT your references to evenings out and female clients suggest a suspicion.

My DH goes away now and again for a few days. He usually calls in the morning to chat to ds and I and then either a txt or another call in the evening. I couldn't care less if that would make some people "run for the hills". We miss each other when we are apart.
OP it's all about what you would like from your relationship, it doesn't matter what other people do. If your partner knows you would like him to keep in touch when he's away, then he should make an effort to do so. Don't take that responsibility away from him by suggesting no contact, just explain to him that you miss him and would like more contact. That's not needy or controlling, it's a simple request, and it's actually quite normal to miss the person you love.

No, I didn't say people who don't keep "tabs" on their partner are sad, I said I think it's a little sad when people BOAST about not contacting their partner as I don't think it's something to be proud of. I love my DP and enjoy our interactions, whereas some people sound as if they wouldn't notice if their DP disappeared entirely because they don't communicate for days on end.

There's also a huge difference between asking for occasional practical assurance and "keeping tabs on" someone, or demanding updates, or all the other extreme/high-maintenance things I've been accused of.

And the point of posting this on AIBU is to hear balanced viewpoints, talk it over and have a healthy debate. It's up to me whether I come away feeling the same as I did in the beginning. It means I haven't been convinced by the opposing arguments put forward on this occasion. I have listened though.

I think when a thread gets this long people tend to miss points and jump to conclusions.

Thanks, everyone, for contributing to the discussion - it's been interesting!

pants I think OP is nbu, does that make me u for not agreeing with the majority?
I don't think it's u to want to know (roughly) where your OH is working that week, or to want to chat about what they do with their down time. Or to expect them to keep in touch if they said they will. Especially if they are away regularly.
I think a lot of pp have misinterpreted some comments to be more extreme than OP intended.

I'm not jumping to any conclusions. I've asked you several questions, but you ignored all of them. Fair enough, your circus and your monkeys. Hope you find a solution that works for you and your DP.

Op, just put of interest how long have you been together? Sorry if I have missed you saying!

Fritz of course not. I haven't even mentioned my opinion - I might think the OP is crazy, I might think her POV is totally normal, haven't specified. I just get a bit sad when I see someone who's clearly just here for validation.

Ziggy, you're absolutely right that it's up to you what you take away from the thread. I do get a very strong impression, however, that you haven't really opened your mind to "balanced viewpoints" - that you applied significantly more skepticism to anyone who disagreed with you than you did to anyone who agreed with you. I mean, we all do that to an extent, we're wired that way. But I think people should try to make sure they're genuinely ready to accept contrary viewpoints before they come to AIBU.

And there's a big difference between wanting to know roughly what town/city your DH is currently staying in and being an insecure, demanding, militant, suffocating nag . . .
But wouldn't you find out where he's going before he leaves? Particularly if you know you won't get enough contact while he's gone. Not accusing you of being insecure or anything, it just seems like the logical sort of conversation to have - 'I'll be away Mon to Thurs' 'Okay, where are you off to?'... Worst case scenario so you know where they are in case of an emergency, normal case scenario because that's just regular sharing of life.

I am also a bit baffled by the competitive how-little-I-speak-to-my partner thing.
"Oh he goes away for months at a time, any more than a monthly text and I'd feel smothered, in fact I'm not even sure what continent he's on currently or if he's still alive. Anything else would be needy and suffocating".

My DH works away, it can range from days to months. And we absolutely keep properly in touch. Several daily messages and at least one evening Skype unless work commitments don't allow. It's necessary, the longer absences are tough on a relationship so it's absolutely essential that you still feel part of each other's day to day life, including all the little mundane details. Otherwise you intimacy and connection will potentially really suffer.

That isn't neediness, it's about loving someone and missing them and being made happy by hearing from them and knowing in turn that they are thinking of you.

The other thing I picked up on was your DP mentioning finding other women attractive. That is a shitty thing to say and bound to make you a lot more anxious about his absences.

I agree that if you want to know his itinerary when travelling then you could ask him to give you that before he goes.
The person travelling and away is usually busier than the one at home, plus wifi and phone signal can be dodgy.
The problem here is that you want him to want to get in touch with you more than he does and want him to miss you as much as you miss him.
I'm going away next week for a few days to see my son. I'll message my husband a bit but I know from last time the wifi was dodgy, plus I'll be busy so it may just be the odd sentence. That doesn't mean I don't love him. I'm just not big on long distance communication. We can talk when I get back.

Did you have another thread about this issue of him stating that he found other women that he meets with for work attractive? If so, then that's the root of the problem here - it's your unease about who he meets and how he feels about them, not which restaurant he's going to etc.

I've just read the thread and to be honest I still don't really know what it is that you want/ expect from dp

so god knows how you expect dp to know either

for me, a message in the morning and evening would suffice, whats in the messages isnt important- just showing he remembers you and then a "im on my way back, ill be home at xxxx"

Sorry, am losing track now, sorry if I'm not answering questions. To the last one, though, I said earlier:

Posted at 10.47:

ideally I'd like two or three messages per day - "good morning, off to XTown today" "had a great evening, goodnight" and maybe a bonus "love you"