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Original poster

About dh's 'lie'

82 replies

MissEliza · 03/05/2017 20:48

I'll try not to give too long a background story. Dh and I have been together for almost 25 years. He isn't British and I don't live close to my family. He travels a LOT for work . Both sets of parents come to visit a couple of times a year and his tend to stay for quite a while. Dh usually goes back home once a year in addition to the times we go as a family (at least once a year). On top of all this, he and his friends get together for a boys weekend every 3 to 4 months. They are religious about this and their WhatsApp group is actually called 'Boyz Weekend'.
After several years of this lifestyle, I'm getting tired of it. I feel we don't get much normal family time or couple time. For example, there was a three week period in March when we spent three days together. Last month, he went back to his home country for a week and squeezed in a fishing trip with his mates for a couple of days. When he came back from this trip, he informed me he'd have to go to a certain city in Europe for a couple of days for meetings. I was a bit surprised because I'm used to his pattern of travel and he's never had to go to this city for work before. However he and and his friends like going there for boys' weekends. When he returned he seemed in a very good mood but hungover. He said there'd been a big night out for work. I

OP posts:
CherryMintVanilla · 03/05/2017 22:43

I've known him for twenty five years and I've never tried to stop him. I hate women like that.

Do you really hate women who object to their husband's ditching their families on a regular basis for their mates?

Because it sounds like you aren't at all happy with his "boyz" weekends. And the only difference between you and the women you hate is that you've decided to suffer in silence ("really stretched when he's not around"). I think you're focusing on the lie because you're meant to be the cool wife who would never complain about his constant jollies, so you'll focus on this instead.

I'd suggest you let go of the cool wife bit and tell your early 40s teenager to grow up... It might feel very liberating!

notangelinajolie · 03/05/2017 22:47

Has he always been like this?

Original poster
MissEliza · 03/05/2017 22:57

Yes he and his friends are very close knit and like their time away. When they were younger they'd go on weekends to the beach together and as they got older, it became weekends in Amsterdam, Barcelona etc. I thought it would taper off as they got older but it hasn't.

OP posts:
ArcheryAnnie · 03/05/2017 23:02

MizzEliza your DH sounds like he hasn't changed his lifestyle at all in the last 25 years, not even to accommodate the fact that he has you and three children. There's nothing more pathetic than a man in his forties who still thinks he's 22. You are not being unreasonable about requiring that he behaves like a grown-up, stops lying to you, and takes some responsibility for his children.

Chippednailvarnishing · 03/05/2017 23:12

He has his priorities.

You're not one of them...

FeedTheSharkAndItWillBite · 03/05/2017 23:14

That's awful. DH is also really close to his "boyz" (I call them his man friends...).

But this is really really inconsiderate. He is a father and husband. He just has to change his lifestyle...

Quickieat2 · 03/05/2017 23:26

3 or 4 weekends away with the boys each year is fine. But you need to be going away with your girl friends too. Do you have good friends that you get away with?

He shouldn't have gone away when your mum was ill. He shouldn't have lied about his most recent trip.

user1493022461 · 03/05/2017 23:29

I don't really understand why you think he is lying?

You don't think it's anything to do with him admitting he was lying?

Hmm
notangelinajolie · 03/05/2017 23:32

Do all his 'Boy' friends have wives/partners and children? What do they all think of all these weekends away? I'm feeling fed up for you op. My DH works a late shift and I spend half my evenings on my own I'd be doublly fed up if I knew he was out somewhere partying. It's bloody lonely rattling round the house on your own.

MsPavlichenko · 03/05/2017 23:34

Why do you not want to tell anyone in RL? I suspect because they are likely to confirm how selfish, entitled and unreasonable his behaviour is. Not to mention the lying.

I've had the experience of not wanting to admit to XH abusive behaviour, Not saying that this is the same btw but feeling too embarrassed to talk about something like this can be an indicator of how unhealthy/unbalanced a relationship is.

Naicehamshop · 03/05/2017 23:40

YY MsPavlichenko

devuskums · 03/05/2017 23:42

I havent read all the posts because a 40 year old manchild playing out with his 'boyz' has made me be a little bit sick in my mouth. Sorry op. Have ⚘🌻🍷🍸🍹🍺 xxz

AcrossthePond55 · 03/05/2017 23:47

He has form for lying

That would be all I'd need to know. I don't mind 'boyz (gag) nights' or trips. I don't mind 'hobbies'. DH has a couple of hobbies that are weekenders or a week away and it never bothered me (our kids are grown now). And I'm not a 'cool wife', the same courtesy is extended to me.

But habitual lying? Nope, that's a deal breaker

SexualFlexual · 04/05/2017 07:47

boys weekend every 3 to 4 months

4 weekends out of 52 are boys weekends - it isn't three to four weeks a year. He has then spend an additional week visiting his family which he usually does alone once a year:

Dh usually goes back home once a year in addition to the times we go as a family (at least once a year)

I don't think either of those are unreasonable amounts of time to spend with friends or family - a lot of people spend one day or night out a week with friends, women included.

The rest of the time he is away he is working. It's his job, it likely contributes a lot to family life and finances to be fair. You can hardly accuse some of "Do you really hate women who object to their husband's ditching their families on a regular basis for their mates? " because they work away a heap. Sorry, but no.

OP- if you are really feeling that unsupported then I would look at suggesting he finds a new job. I suspect this is more to do with the reasons why he lied to you though than anything else.

pinkdelight · 04/05/2017 08:06

YY to Agree - that line "he has form for lying" leaps out to me. That's just not something I could accept in a partner, or friend or anyone close to me really. Honesty pretty fundamental.

Original poster
MissEliza · 04/05/2017 09:18

I should probably expand on that. Dh sometimes prefers a fib than have a difficult conversation. E.g. When we went on a rare family holiday to Florida last year, he told his parents it was a work thing that he decided to bring us to. He knew his parents wouldn't like us having a holiday without them. So it's not just to me.

OP posts:
justmatureenough2bdad · 04/05/2017 09:36

seriously...you resent him having a life outside the family, 5 times A YEAR.... there is no logical link to that meaning that he is putting his "boyz" above his family.... because surely the flip side is the other 12/13 of the year he is with you...

does this stem from the fact that you are not going out with friends on a regular basis and feel that your life has become so wrapped up in your family that because his isn't it's an issue?

is it worth considering why he chooses the little white lies (you don't actually appear to know if he had a meeting there or not) rather than discussing things with you?

Batgirlspants · 04/05/2017 09:44

Why would his parents not like you having a family holiday without them?

He lies to his parents and to you to have fun with his friends op he sounds like a 13 year old.

tell him it's time for a change and he needs to grow up.

Book a family holiday with a spa to suit you tell his parents you are going away snd isn't that nice Wink and he does the daddy stuff all holiday while you relax, get treatments, chill with a book.

ArcheryAnnie · 04/05/2017 10:03

seriously...you resent him having a life outside the family

justmatureenough the problem isn't that he has a life outside his family, but that his main life is outside his family, and that he lies to ensure it is so.

SantinoRice · 04/05/2017 10:13

If there was a meeting there'd be evidence of a meeting. An email to confirm it. A follow up email. Minutes. Anything. And he'd have shown you this to prove there really was a meeting. So if he's still pretending there's a meeting then he has zero respect for you.

The example of him lying to his parents - that's a lie you're 'in on' IYSWIM? Like you're a team, doing something together, and it wouldn't freak me out too much (tho I'd question wtf your inlaws were thinking if they wanted to come on your family holiday). But lying TO you, is much worse, because it's purely for his own gains. No team.

Sorry if that makes no sense. Coffee maker broken Sad

SexualFlexual · 04/05/2017 10:23

"the problem isn't that he has a life outside his family, but that his main life is outside his family,"

His main life seems to be work - he spends between 6 and 8 days with friends a year, and a week alone with his family. So 15 days out of 356 with friends and family alone.

104 weekend days, plus 35 days of annual leave would equate to 139 days off - he's spending 12% of those with friends and alone time with his relatives. There's a substantial chunk remaining where he's either spending it with family or he's working.

welovepancakes · 04/05/2017 10:27

If he maintains he had a business meeting, you could ask him to show you emails setting it up, the agenda for the meeting etc, to put your mind at ease. I think he's lying. I'd be more upset about lying than the fact he wanted a weekend with his friends

But, you say he also lied to his parents about a holiday. If you colluded in that, then it's a bit harder for you to take the moral high ground when he lies to you. Once a liar, always a liar

FeralBeryl · 04/05/2017 10:32

I cannot for the life of me see where people are getting that the OP is controlling or unreasonable. Confused
DH and I work very long, often opposing hours.
We don't get that many weekends together with the kids and even less just us two.
We encourage each other to have the odd weekend away with friends, but yes I'd be pissed off if it was as much as OP's H.
Why shouldn't she be his priority? They're married, not old drinking buddies.

justmatureenough2bdad · 04/05/2017 10:59

i just can't see why so many people are saying 3-4 times a year weekend with friends and once a year return to home-country is seen as "so much" or his "main life"....as sexual points out, it really isn't that much, and if he's being given such a hard time of it over that, it's not that surprising that his actions are starting to reflect that....

Original poster
MissEliza · 04/05/2017 11:01

Regarding him lying to his parents about the holiday, I categorically told him if they asked me or it came up in conversation. I wasn't going to lie. It never came up though. It was an absurd idea anyway as our dcs knew it wasn't a work trip. There have been other occasions when I've also refused to lie to his dps. I've told him it's not a healthy way to live. I also said if someone isn't happy with what he is doing e.g. his dps or me, it's not the end of the world. It's the lying that causes real problems.

OP posts:
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