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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how people cope!

75 replies

GastonsWife · 03/05/2017 11:53

I guess I'm looking for parenting tips really! DD is 11 days old and this is our first day at home with no help. I've been really spoilt so far with OH being about and various family members being around to help.
Today I have found really hard and it's not even lunchtime. DD didn't sleep well last night and has been cluster feeding today and last night. I feel anxious about expressing so have had her on me basically all the time. She does go down in her basket in the day but these past two days she has been crying to be fed as soon as I put her down.
I was just wondering how people get things done with a newborn such as putting a wash on or having a shower?
(I'm feeling particularly anxious today as the HV is coming and DD has a sticky eye and I'm worried she will be underweight and they will think I'm a bad parent and think my house is a mess, it isn't me and OH are just very particular about it)

OP posts:
FeralBeryl · 03/05/2017 11:57

Congratulations! Flowers
It's hard isn't it, I didn't really get into the swing of things until the 'help' stopped. You get more into what is/isn't important.
As long as the house isn't a pooey nappy filled cesspit - it is fine.
Showering especially hair wash - do it in the evenings, that was a revelation for me. Or take the car seat into the bathroom and sing Wink
Be gentle with yourself, it's very early days.

2DaysOffSchool · 03/05/2017 11:57

It's not easy! Do you have a sling? That allows DD to sleep and you to do!

For showering can you pop her in a chair and bring her into the bathroom with you? She might be soothed by the sound of the water.

Otherwise put her somewhere safe I.e her cot/ basket and let her cry while you take a quick shower. It's horrible to listen to you baby cry but she won't come to any harm for 15 mins.

It does get easier, I promise! I currently have a 9 week old asleep on me. Sometimes it's nice to just sit and cuddle. Smile

savagehk · 03/05/2017 11:59

It gets easier. Don't worry about expressing this soon. Sticky eyes are normal, and so are messy houses with newborns!!

Do you have a sling to hold her in (will help with putting a wash on, although not with the shower!). I showered before OH left for work (or when he got home).

My advice for new mothers is not to expect to do anything but feed the baby for the first two weeks, anything else is a bonus.

FeralBeryl · 03/05/2017 12:00

Oh and sticky eye is a rite of passage!
Cooled boiled water and one swipe then discard the pad.
I used breastmilk which cleared it fast with all of them.

Stay hydrated yourself if DD is cluster feeding.

Is she winding ok? Can you put her down in a more upright position without her crying or is it everywhere?
Does she have a dummy?

Honestly - there are no rules yet. Cuddle and sniff, that's the best bit by far.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 03/05/2017 12:35

You just chill, and put the baby down. Letting her cry for a couple of minutes while you have a shower isn't a crime, she'll be fine, you'll be fine. I'd leave the laundry for OH though!

Congratulations on your new baby, remember to take care of yourself as well as her Flowers

JoandMax · 03/05/2017 12:39

All you need to do is concentrate on the baby and you, the washing and tidying can wait til your DH is home! Try and shower when he's there too to hold the baby, either in the evening or morning.

Your little baby is so new and you're recovering from pregnancy and birth so go easy on yourself!

Grenoble124 · 03/05/2017 12:40

I'm sorry I worried so much about housework in the early days. I never got a sling but it might help you. My boobs were too sore. Cluster feeding is normal. I used to shower before dh went to work and before bed. Eventually got a cleaner. At 11mo I don't have cleaner any more as ds can go into playpen to let me get things done. Forget about expressing til 6 weeka at least until your supply regulates. Make sure you have plenty of food and water. Just do what you can. And congratulations. x

Igottastartthinkingbee · 03/05/2017 12:45

Don't forget that you're new to this parenting lark! And it takes time to learn what works and what doesn't and then it all changes again as they grow up! 11 days old is very new, enjoy the cuddles and try not to stress. I remember it being such a shock to the system first time round so go easy on yourself. And try to appreciate how easy it is before they can move!! (Impossible I know, hindsight will explain that one in a year or so!).

MissShittyBennet · 03/05/2017 12:47

You cope because it doesn't last forever. And while it does, by being manky and messy. You're finding it hard because it bloody is! Not because there's anything you've done wrong, or because everyone else gets it except you.

Morphene · 03/05/2017 12:54

'coping' is such a poorly defined concept.

Are you are 'coping' if you and baby live to fight another day? If so then yes, the majority of people do cope.

If it also involves having a shower and doing the laundry, then the percentage of people 'coping' starts to drop.

If you think 'coping' is having your old life plus a baby, then the overwhelming majority do not 'cope' at all.

Penhacked · 03/05/2017 12:55

One thing I wish someone had told me is the cry of your first born baby is like no other baby. The first little cry and you want to stop everything and get to them. Now with the second I just go in the shower, be as quick as I can but certainly get dressed and towel round head before picking them up. They live! No damage done!!

pickleypockley · 03/05/2017 13:36

All good advice. I'd like to add sod housework the hv would probably be more worried if your house was immaculate as it means you are not resting. My house is still a mess mine are 9 &10 and no body has come to any harm by it. Enjoy your little one you will get the hang of it. Xx

phoenixtherabbit · 03/05/2017 14:06

It gets easier. I got into more of a routine when oh went back to work.

Our house really was a mess we'd taken up the hall carpet the day before I went into hospital (slightly early baby) so our house looked so scratty when people visited until it got done.

Hv won't care. Like a pp said a but of clutter or some washing up on the side is nothing!

Make sure you eat though. I didn't eat enough and felt totally crap for a bit and wondered why I didn't have enough energy and just blamed it on lack of sleep.

It does get easier and then a bit harder but once you're in a bit of a routine it gets better I think x

Sparklingbrook · 03/05/2017 14:10

It really does get easier. I used to put the bouncy chair in the bathroom and have a quick shower, baby seemed to be ok for 5 minutes, and I felt soo much better.

Quickly chuck the washing in the machine and switch it on.

HV won't care at all about the house. Just make sure you and the baby are eating, and don't worry about anything else.

Brew Cake

phoenixtherabbit · 03/05/2017 14:12

Yes I put the baby in the chair in the bathroom too. Or his Moses basket when he was tiny.

Areyoufree · 03/05/2017 14:15

Oh god, I remember the days when I felt I had achieved something just by managing to have a shower and get dressed! I would shower while my baby napped, but would be turning the water off every five seconds, because I was sure I could hear her crying. It does get easier.

startwig1982 · 03/05/2017 14:18

Congratulations! Make a cup of tea and grab a big glass of water and then put on a box set if she's cluster feeding. The first few days by yourself are hard but you'll soon have a vague routine.

It's ok to leave her to cry for a few minutes-don't feel bad. As for washing etc., leave it until OH is home.

startwig1982 · 03/05/2017 14:19

Oh and sticky eyes are normal. Squirt some breast milk in them-it's better than anything else and they will clear up quickly.

KindDogsTail · 03/05/2017 14:20

Congratulations and well done Flowers

Don't try to do too much.
If the baby is fed and clean and you have eaten yourself and had a shower these are the main things and rest/sleep together whenever you can.

I too would recommend taking a baby seat into the shower with you.

Don't worry about house work right now.

CheerfulMuddler · 03/05/2017 14:22

You have one job. To look after your baby. If baby is fed and changed and still alive, you're doing okay. The first two months, that's your only job and everything else can go hang. (Though your life is better if you can eat and drink and leave the house, but it is a real struggle in those early months when you're on your own.)

In lots of cultures it's expected that the mum will 'lie in' - i.e. spend the first month of the baby's life in bed while someone else comes to stay and does all the housework. I'm not sure I'd want my mum and in laws living in my tiny house for a month, but it does have a lot to be said for it.

HV will have seen much, much worse.

It gets easier.

Oh, and if you did an antenatal course, they probably gave you a spiel about making sure you have water and cake and the TV remote handy before you sit down to breastfeed. And you probably brought the baby home and went "WTF were they on about? I can't go and make a cup of tea and cut a slice of cake, my baby is crying!"

And then a couple of months down the line, you realise the world isn't actually going to end if you run into the kitchen to grab a glass of water and your book before you feed the baby. This is useful learning. But very difficult when they're new.

gamerchick · 03/05/2017 14:28

Newborns and breastfeeding is how I got into Xbox gaming Wink

Showers just put down and be fast. They will cry but it'll hurt you more than hurt them.

I seem to remember that visiting HCP would be more concerned with a shiny spotless house rather than a messy one.

NotTheBelleoftheBall · 03/05/2017 14:29

I cried at the end of my first day alone with DD and begged DH not to go to work the next day - this is very much unlike me, usually I'm 'tusser' than Ed Miliband Wink

In fact, I think it was day 10-11 when I seriously considered if DH and I would have to actually die to send DD to an orphanage - fuck 'five day blues' I had the eleven day blues in spades.

It is completely normal and natural to be overwhelmed, and it will pass.

Believe me that it will get more manageable, and soon! So very soon you and DD will find a little rhythm that works for you both, I absolutely promise you.

Tw1nsetAndPearls · 03/05/2017 14:30

I rarely put my son down during the first few months, Netflix was invented for this scenario. Please do not worry about housework.

TheSparrowhawk · 03/05/2017 14:36

Forget about putting on a wash, DH can do that when he gets home. Park yourself on the couch and feed and watch tv.

Bear2014 · 03/05/2017 14:40

Congratulations! Week 2 when paternity leave stops to about week 6 are fairly hardcore and it's normal to be overwhelmed. You don't need to worry about expressing until at least 6 weeks in really. And no MW or HV will care if your house is messy, providing it's not a health hazard!

I found being very organised helped me a lot. While your OH is still at home in the morning, set up a couple of bottles of water and snacks next to where you will be feeding. Make sure you have some lunch in, preferably prepared so you can grab it. Replenish anything in your changing bag in the evening so it's ready to go the next day. Make sure the buggy is where you need it to be. Sling/stretchy wrap is great to do the odd job/nip to the corner shop and baby bouncy chair for showers.

By 6 weeks ish my DD was having 20-30 minute feeds every couple of hours during the day. It's definitely good to go out with the buggy as they generally sleep with the movement and you can clear your head and get some exercise.