To ask how people cope!

[GastonsWife]

I guess I'm looking for parenting tips really! DD is 11 days old and this is our first day at home with no help. I've been really spoilt so far with OH being about and various family members being around to help.
Today I have found really hard and it's not even lunchtime. DD didn't sleep well last night and has been cluster feeding today and last night. I feel anxious about expressing so have had her on me basically all the time. She does go down in her basket in the day but these past two days she has been crying to be fed as soon as I put her down.
I was just wondering how people get things done with a newborn such as putting a wash on or having a shower?
(I'm feeling particularly anxious today as the HV is coming and DD has a sticky eye and I'm worried she will be underweight and they will think I'm a bad parent and think my house is a mess, it isn't me and OH are just very particular about it)

You will be fine, housework is not important, an the Health visitor will not be looking at the mess, my place is nearly always messy and my dds are now 5 and 7 yrs old if you've got a carry cot or baby chair, you could put baby in that whilst you do bits and bobs and have a shower, it worked for me, My saviour was one of those swinging baby seats it worked a treat for letting me have a quick bath etc.

Get a pile of healthy snacks (and chocolate), get on the sofa and relax ALL DAY...and night if necessary. Do some housework at the weekend while DH takes baby for a walk or drive. Find a laundrette where you drop off and they wash, dry and fold for you. Batch cook or get ready meals or takeaways. If you do manage to express, you could sleep from 7pm-midnight, then take over from DH. Don't feel guilty about ANYTHING. It's only for a few weeks. You are doing the amazing work of keeping a tiny human nourished and comforted. Try propping up the basket/ cot at the head end in case it's reflux causing the crying. X x

I left everything till the evenings when my husband got home from work. Then I did the laundry/cooking/housework/showering and he dealt with our son. I look at pictures of our eldest from back then and I'm frankly amazed there's pictures of him sleeping in his cot because, at the time, I'd have sworn he never slept or allowed us to put him down!

Congratulations Gastonswife. You made a whole person!
It's a huge deal and anyone who isn't a little overwhelmed is either hard as nails or actually oblivious to the enormity.
Newborns cry because it's a huge deal for them as well. All they have every known is floating in a meditation pool at just the right temperature with all their needs fulfilled, and then they are born.
You need cake, biscuits, lukewarm tea/water and a good book or a box set. Shower when your DH comes home. If the two of you live on ready meals or bread and cheese for a few weeks it does not matter. I'm sure your DH can work out the washing machine.
The weird thing is that you will look back on this time with real affection: I think it's because you are so tired that the memories are out of focus

I made sure I had a "baby dumping area" in every room.

Bathroom - bouncy chair
Bedroom - cot
Living room - moses basket
Kitchen - beanbag just outside the doorway where I could see it.

You can pop baby in the relevant one of these for five minutes at a time while you do a couple of bits that you need to do for yourself (eg not dusting or hoovering). Yes they cry but not usually for long enough to get themselves (or you) in too much of a state and you feel all the better for having put that wash on, had a shower or made a cup of tea.

The cry of a newborn is natures way of keeping them alive! It has been refined over thousands and thousands of years to keep parents close and attentive, trying to ignore it is going against years of evolution. It is many years since I had a newborn to deal with but even today if I hear a new born whimper in a supermarket,a cafe or just passing in the street I am on alert , it is a very powerful tool in the baby survival toolbox.

Ignore the housework, I can guarantee it will still be there even in a years time, make yourself a cosy nest on the sofa with everything close at hand, and enjoy the wonder of your new baby.

I always had a shower first thing just after DH had his and got ready for work.

He then looked after the baby if he was awake!

It was so hard dragging myself out of bed to do this - I won't lie. Especially if I'd not long been asleep after a 5am feed!

BUT it meant I was up and dressed every day by 7.45. And sometimes the baby slept til 8am (especially if he'd fed at 5/6am) so I could have a tea/breakfast and feel so much better. It also meant I was ready to go out to baby groups when I wanted to start doing that.

I agree on the 'baby dumping ground' in your main rooms!

I didn't put mine down for anything other than taking food out of a hot oven or changing their nappy. Everything else was done with them in my arms on in a sling. I have 5dc so I had years and years of this.

The sound of my babies crying caused a physical reaction in me like nothing else ever has. It made me anxious and tearful and pumped me full of adrenaline to do something. anything for them. I couldn't even think while they were crying. I felt a failure if they cried for even a few minutes.

Now don't get me wrong, we survived, but I wish I had just put them down and had a 4 minute shower. Instead, I sometimes went days without a shower because it wasn't worth the crying and the guilt.

I look back now they are all bigger and realise I wasn't very well.

You need to prioritise, so while I agree with focusing on the baby, you have to make time to brush your teeth, shower, eat and do the minimum of housework to keep things hygienic. Nothing bad will happen if the baby cries for 5 minutes. Set a timer if it helps so you know that the 'age' you left them for really was only a few minutes.

Overwhelming pretty much sums up the baby years for me. Overwhelming but wonderful. It doesn't last forever.

Basically OP, it gets better. Just keep going and you will come out the other end!

I invested in one of these or similar. It was a life saver.

Thanks for all the advice and kind words of encouragement. I have lots of anxiety rooted in the ideas of "not being good enough" but trying to overcome this for baby and know keeping us both happy, clean and fed is good enough for now.

to shower i used to put the baby in its car seat in the bathroom with me. Left the door open so there wasnt too much steam. The sound of the shower used to sooth him to sleep.
Again if i wanted to do washing up etc i would put the car seat with baby in next to me.
Some people also use slings if their baby is one who doesnt like being put down at all. Then you still have both your arms free and can do things.

I wouldnt worry too much about cleaning and things at this stage. Everyone will understand. No one expects your house to be clean when you have a newborn.
Just focus on resting as much as possible. Get a few box sets on or lie in the garden in the sun with your baby. Sleep when the baby sleeps.

When your child is a toddler you will regret not having taken the time to rest as much as possible when you could!!

I never got on with slings. They made me feel really hot and it was much like being pregnant again in terms of movement.

Congratulations. Nothing is expected of you apart from looking after your baby. Don't expect to go out, get dressed etc for a week or two. it will do you a lot of good just to stroll around the block or walk in the garden if you have one but don't put any pressure on yourself. Just enjoy your bundle, sleep or just rest when you can. I found a baby carrier helped, then you have 2 hands and baby is comforted.It really does get easier, it's a miracle.

PS Good enough= loving and caring for your baby.

Oh and HVs have seen it all!!!

Don't put yourself under too much pressure, do try and get things done but if you can't it won't matter for a day or two. Things will get easier. If necessary have a shower when DH comes home, you're a food machine (I mean this jokingly) and so she may be calmer for DH anyway - if not, a few mins crying won't do any harm and at least she'll be getting a cuddle.

One thing I'd say, don't have visitors unless you want them and it's convenient, ie not too early, I had one lot who wanted to come at 9am!

To have a shower pop her in her cot or bouncy chair. She will be fine even if she cries and you will feel better.

Buy yourself a good thermos mug so you can sit with on the sofa and still have hot tea.

Washing does pile up. For us this tends to be an evening job. Don't stress about it too much.

Congratulations!

Set tiny goals. Doing a load of laundry is enough of a goal for one day. Wear your baby in a sling. Boob them whenever they cry. Your baby needs to be close to you, google 4th trimester. Get out for a walk every day, it will feel like too much effort but you'll be glad you did. If you don't have a dog, borrow one! It's ok to let your baby cry for 5 minutes while you shower. It's also ok not to shower or even get dressed till your DH gets home. Eat good food, drink loads, watch a ton of shit TV and be kind to yourself. You are doing a brilliant job.

Only read the OP...

Right firstly congratulations on your newborn.

Secondly - give yourself a break!
Don't put pressure on yourself to be perfect, there's no such thing as a perfect parent!

Your baby is a teeny tiny newborn. All they will want to do all day and night is breastfeed. This is completely NORMAL. They are building up your milk supply and they also need the physical contact.

As someone who used to work in HV i can tell you with complete confidence that the HV does not care two hoots about you're house (unless it's actually unsafe/unsanitary and by that I mean bags of rotting rubbish, extreme damp and electrics etc!)

I would always tell new mums that actually, a spotless and showhome house was often an indicator that the baby wasn't being prioritized- your HV expects muddle: washing up stacked up and piles of laundry! So chill on that front.

Gammy eyes - again normal. Try rubbing a few drops of breastmilk onto them (yes really).

Next you need to adjust your expectations. The first 3-4 months are all about getting to know your baby, establishing a milk supply and meeting your baby's basic physical and emotional needs (Google the fourth trimester). You will probably spend HOURS a day sat on the sofa breastfeeding.

If you have a partner then shower when they are home and they can pitch in with tidying/cleaning and prepping a packed lunch for to keep in the fridge overnight.

Set up little 'feeding' stations around your house and task your DH with keeping them stocked with up with bottles of water, fruit and cereal bars. Then if you get stuck under a feeding/sleeping baby you will still have food and drink.

Definitely try out slings - I liked the close caboo ring sling.

And above all, don't put pressure on yourself to 'do everything'. As much as you can try to rest and recover from the birth and being pregnant. You have a lot of healing to do and if you're making breastmilk it really takes it out of you. Your priority is your baby.

The website kellymom is also good for any breastfeeding quieries (it reassured me that cluster feeding for about 7 hours straight was normal!)

Good luck

To me a good day is if the same amount of kids go to bed as got up that morning, fed, clean (well relatively) and with no limbs having dropped off.

A really great day will include putting a wash on and going to loo without anyone knocking on the fucking door!

Seriously, try to relax a bit. They go through velcro phases and all you can is let them be attached as long as they want. Get DH to make up your lunch and a flask before he goes to work and keep it next to you and then when he gets back hand the baby over so you get time for a quick shower.

This too shall pass....

Lots of people have said about bouncy chairs? She has this chair and it says 0-6 months. Though at 11 days do you think she is too small?

Ours went in hers from the minute we got home from the hospital. It wasn't a rocking one, we used to just nudge it with one foot while we ate food/drank tea!

To be honest OP, I wouldn't really bother with much in terms of housework for the first month, if your DP wants clean clothes he can do it himself when home from work, after he takes the baby so you can have a soak in the bath. I always have an evening bath rather than a morning shower as I can't leave dd to cry, and in the first few weeks when she did I was spontaneously shooting milk like a super soaker so I'd not be much cleaner for having a shower anyway.

I stayed in my pjs all day everyday and it was is marvellous (hence my username) unless I was going out with dd in the pram. The first month is so so precious I wish I hadn't spent so much time running around trying to be the perfect housewife (we had visitors pretty much every single day for the first few weeks and one in law made a comment about the house being messy 3 days after we moved in so I massively overcompensated when I should have told her to fuck off) if I had my time again I would lock all the doors and retreat to my bed with dd and spend as much time as possible snuggling and smelling her soft little head and have no visitors ever for as long as I could fend them off.

Your DH can pick up the housework more while baby is still so dependent and then it can go back to a more even split when your dc is old enough to be content to watch you wash up/do laundry from a bouncer.

I was terrified to put DS in his bouncer when he was newborn as it just looked too upright, but when I did it bent back with his weight so was nice and reclined, but I still put the head hugger out of his carseat in it! Good luck with your new baby

When we got the swingy chair with DC1 he was in the fully laid back position at first on the slowest speed.

By the time DC2 came along we allowed speed 2 from birth then graduated to full on pirate boat speed 3 as he got older.