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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry with DH?

66 replies

user1493759849 · 03/05/2017 00:03

Fuming right now, and DH doesn't even seem to be able to see/understand why!

On FOUR different occasions now, (in 6 weeks,) he has taken a picture of me or videoed me when I don't realise he's doing it. Only for a laugh apparently. Hmm

2 pics and 2 videos actually. One pic is of me walking across a field the other week when we'd gone for a walk, (sort of sideways on and slouched,) and one is of me in the garden the other day pegging the washing out, with baggy, unflattering jogging bottoms on, and a white top. Both unflattering, ugly pictures where I look plain fat.

And the videos; the one is of me getting out of the car, dragging the shopping out and huffing and puffing, and with lots of unattractive angles. And the other video was him in the garden, filming me through the window, washing up, turning to the side a few times, and looking awful. No make up, shit hair, looking fat. (I am size 16, and 13 stone, and 5 ft 3, so I am not huge but am quite chubby, with a bit of a double chin, and shots from the side are horrible!)

I have lost a bit of weight lately (1.5 stone) and dropped a couple of dress sizes, but I'm still chubby. And I hate (and always have hated) being filmed, and I don't like pics being taken unless I am 'ready' for it. iyswim. And definitely not from sideways on!

He is rolling around laughing at how stunned I suddenly look when I realise he is filming me, and I just say 'FUCK OFF!' which he finds hilarious. He says 'awww, but you're so cute and funny, tootling around the kitchen, I just wanted you to see how cute you look.' Hmm I don't look cute, I look fat and ugly and vile, and he knows I hate having pics or video footage taken at ALL with no make up on, let alone have them taken when I am not aware of it.

I yelled at him tonight for doing it and I said 'it's borderline bullying now.' He said I am ridiculous and 'putting it online would be borderline bullying.' I said 'no that would be actual bullying, not borderline!'

So now he has buggared off to bed in a passive aggressive sulk because I got 'all pissy about nothing' apparently. He knows I hate this; having pics/videos taken when I am not aware of it, especially when I look crap, and he takes them at unflattering angles..., so why does he do it?

When I ask why, he says 'just for a laugh' and 'what's the problem, all the camera is doing is showing you what you look like. I am doing nothing wrong!' And 'FFS, can't I even have a laugh with my wife?'

I should probably add that this isn't the first time he has done this; it's just that it's happened 4 times in about 6 weeks FFS! Last time he did it was about January! He doesn’t put the pics or footage anywhere, but I am pissed off with him doing it now. I don’t have much confidence in how I look anyway and have always disliked my body and struggled with my weight, and yet he films me and takes pics of me from horrible unflattering angles, and thinks there’s nothing wrong with it, and he says I look fine Hmm

I guess one answer would be to do the same to him, but I don't want to, I want him to stop.

AIBU?

???

OP posts:
PickAChew · 03/05/2017 00:05

He's being a dick. Ask him if he understands the concept of consent.

Original poster
user1493759849 · 03/05/2017 00:05

For the record, as soon as I see the pics or videos, I delete them!

OP posts:
AWaspOnAWindowInAHeatwave · 03/05/2017 00:06

This would piss me off beyond belief.

LineysRun · 03/05/2017 00:09

That's really quite awful behaviour on his part.

ijustwannadance · 03/05/2017 00:11

The fact that he does it knowing you hate it, and after you asking him not to, makes him a total prick who gets off on tormenting you.

user1491572121 · 03/05/2017 00:12

Has he been on at you to lose weight OP? Could he be trying to upset you about the way you look? He sounds MEAN!

WorraLiberty · 03/05/2017 00:13

What a knob.

I would find that really invasive, like I couldn't relax in my own home, or going about my normal day to day life.

I know you've mentioned your weight and how you look a few times, but even if you were perfectly happy with all of that, this is a violation of your privacy and it's not on.

Original poster
user1493759849 · 03/05/2017 00:14

I think he is being a dick too but I wondered if it was just me being over sensitive? . Sad

I am not happy with my body and never have been, but after losing 1.5 stone I felt okayish, then he goes and presents me with a hilarious pic he has taken of me when I wasn't looking; from the side, with me slouched over, looking fat and vile. But he says I look 'fine' Fuck off, I don't. And he bastard well knows it.

OP posts:
Batghee · 03/05/2017 00:14

Hes being an absolute dickhead. Hes asserting authority over you as an object. Like his 'right' to laugh at you or take pics of you trumps your rights over your image. Pretty disgusting. I would hate this and i love having my photo taken if i know its being taken.
Having someone take your photo when you dont know they are doing it is creepy. Its okay if its an accident or you were in a shot of something else... but when someone does this to you deliberately it is abusive.

Mamabear468 · 03/05/2017 00:15

I would hate this if someone did it to me. I think your dh is missing the point he's not 'having a laugh with his wife' it's coming across that he's having a laugh at you instead and he should be grown up enough to realise if the other person isn't laughing - it's not funny. Stay strong op Flowers

Original poster
user1493759849 · 03/05/2017 00:15

He hasn't mentioned my weight @user1491572121, and as I said, I have lost some 20 pounds,.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1493759849 · 03/05/2017 00:18

@batghee. I said to him that it's like 'bullying' but he said I was being absurd and went in a sulk. I find it so annoying and upsetting. I just get a wee bit of confidence (after losing some weight,) and he presents me with a pic of me taken from the side (that I didn't know he was taking,) looking awful. Very few people look good from a fucking side shot! Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
user1493759849 · 03/05/2017 00:21

Even though I look shit as I don't know he is taking the pic - he still says I look 'fine.' Bollocks. Angry He must know I don't.

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 03/05/2017 00:21

YANBU! You've asked him multiple times to stop.

Butterymuffin · 03/05/2017 00:22

That sounds like deliberately trying to sabotage your efforts to lose weight. It's certainly deliberately annoying you.

Two possible reactions come to mind. One is where you just look at him with disgust and say 'oh, you're trying to annoy me again. How sad and pathetic of you' then carry on what you're doing and ignore him. The other is where you say 'oh, let me have a look?' and when you have the phone in your hand, go and chuck it in the loo.

Original poster
user1493759849 · 03/05/2017 00:26

In my (possibly vivid) imagination, it's like he is aware I have got a bit of confidence (just a bit!) and am pleased at losing 20 pounds, and he is purposely taking ugly pics of me looking a bit slouchy, and fat, from the side, and looking a mess, to bring me down to earth/put me down/stop me being confident.

But I could be imagining this of course. Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
user1493759849 · 03/05/2017 00:28

Thanks all, for saying I am not being unreasonable. I didn't think I was being, and I thought he was! But I wasn't 100% sure, and it's nice to have people support you. Blush

OP posts:
user1491572121 · 03/05/2017 00:31

Get him back OP. Video HIM or take very unflattering pics and have them blown up MASSIVE.

Or, hide his things...keep hiding his things until he stops. Don't admit to it though.

Maybe I'm petty but I would do that.

Original poster
user1493759849 · 03/05/2017 00:35

Thanks @user. Maybe I will! Angry

Just want him to stop though. Sad

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 03/05/2017 00:35

What's he like in general OP, any signs he has a problem with you going out with friends or being close to family?

WorraLiberty · 03/05/2017 00:37

Please leave your body out of this.

I'm perfectly happy with mine and yet I would feel creeped out and unable to relax in my own home, if I was married to anyone who did this.

Even when the kids first got mobile phones, I told them not to take photos/videos of me or anyone else, without asking their permission.

It's very basic manners and nothing to do with weight or looks.

chocolatebourbon · 03/05/2017 00:40

Repeatedly engaging in controlling or coercive behaviour, where the accused and victim are personally connected, is a criminal offence if it has a serious effect and you and your "D"H knows that. This does NOT require anything to be posted online. Bullying is bullying, even if (in fact, even more so if) nobody else is there to witness it.

Original poster
user1493759849 · 03/05/2017 00:45

@hiding. No he doesn't mind me going out with friends (though I don't very often, maybe once a month) and I see family OK. So he isn't super controlling or anything, but this is so irksome and annoying and odd. Like I said, I feel like he is purposely taking yukky pics of me to make me feel shit, to undermine my confidence. He would never admit to this though as he probably doesn't realise that's why he does it.

And yes @worra, it is rude and nasty to take pics of people without their permission and without them knowing.

@chocolate. I didn't know it was an offence to do this, not to your wife anyway!.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1493759849 · 03/05/2017 00:46

Thanks all, will check back tomorrow. Goodnight. Smile

OP posts:
ecuse · 03/05/2017 00:57

My first reaction is that he's being an arse, and I would hate this for exactly the same reason as you (plus a couple of stone).

Then it occurred to me just for a sec that he might just genuinely not see what the fuss is about because he doesn't have the negative opinion of you that you do? Don't get me wrong, he should still stop if you ask. But in a sense he's right: that's what you look like from the side, or when you're hanging out the washing with your bum crack poking out or whatever. And presumably he loves you; side view and all Smile.