To be angry with DH?

[user1493759849]

Fuming right now, and DH doesn't even seem to be able to see/understand why!

On FOUR different occasions now, (in 6 weeks,) he has taken a picture of me or videoed me when I don't realise he's doing it. Only for a laugh apparently.

2 pics and 2 videos actually. One pic is of me walking across a field the other week when we'd gone for a walk, (sort of sideways on and slouched,) and one is of me in the garden the other day pegging the washing out, with baggy, unflattering jogging bottoms on, and a white top. Both unflattering, ugly pictures where I look plain fat.

And the videos; the one is of me getting out of the car, dragging the shopping out and huffing and puffing, and with lots of unattractive angles. And the other video was him in the garden, filming me through the window, washing up, turning to the side a few times, and looking awful. No make up, shit hair, looking fat. (I am size 16, and 13 stone, and 5 ft 3, so I am not huge but am quite chubby, with a bit of a double chin, and shots from the side are horrible!)

I have lost a bit of weight lately (1.5 stone) and dropped a couple of dress sizes, but I'm still chubby. And I hate (and always have hated) being filmed, and I don't like pics being taken unless I am 'ready' for it. iyswim. And definitely not from sideways on!

He is rolling around laughing at how stunned I suddenly look when I realise he is filming me, and I just say 'FUCK OFF!' which he finds hilarious. He says 'awww, but you're so cute and funny, tootling around the kitchen, I just wanted you to see how cute you look.' I don't look cute, I look fat and ugly and vile, and he knows I hate having pics or video footage taken at ALL with no make up on, let alone have them taken when I am not aware of it.

I yelled at him tonight for doing it and I said 'it's borderline bullying now.' He said I am ridiculous and 'putting it online would be borderline bullying.' I said 'no that would be actual bullying, not borderline!'

So now he has buggared off to bed in a passive aggressive sulk because I got 'all pissy about nothing' apparently. He knows I hate this; having pics/videos taken when I am not aware of it, especially when I look crap, and he takes them at unflattering angles..., so why does he do it?

When I ask why, he says 'just for a laugh' and 'what's the problem, all the camera is doing is showing you what you look like. I am doing nothing wrong!' And 'FFS, can't I even have a laugh with my wife?'

I should probably add that this isn't the first time he has done this; it's just that it's happened 4 times in about 6 weeks FFS! Last time he did it was about January! He doesn’t put the pics or footage anywhere, but I am pissed off with him doing it now. I don’t have much confidence in how I look anyway and have always disliked my body and struggled with my weight, and yet he films me and takes pics of me from horrible unflattering angles, and thinks there’s nothing wrong with it, and he says I look fine

I guess one answer would be to do the same to him, but I don't want to, I want him to stop.

AIBU?

???

I definitely agree you should take his phone off him next time and drop it in the loo. But be super sweet nice when you do it, not angry, 'Oh darling, we're just having a laugh, I threw your phone in the loo, isn't it hilarious' then laugh in his face. He sounds pretty horrid.

This would give me the rage. I hate having my photo taken, but DM and SIL used to make a big deal about getting sneaky pictures of me when I wasn't looking, then crowing triumphantly that they'd managed to get a picture. They even got the kids to try and take photos of me. One day, I totally lost it and told them that if they continued to refuse to respect my feelings, I wouldn't be visiting again.

It's wrong of him to continue doing it after you've asked him to stop and told him you don't like it.

My daughters do this to me. When I'm having a grumble or telling one of them off, or miles away learning stuff on the Internet -mumsnet- in a really unflattering double chin type pose, sometimes picking my nose, they are secretly recording and send it to each other on snapchat and then all have a bloody good laugh. I find it hilarious. BUT they have a giggle about it WITH me. Not at me. And if my hubby did it like yours is doing I'd find it bloody infuriating and upsetting. And very childish!

Strike through fail on -mumsnet-

I agree with your suspicions OP

Whatever his reasons are - either unkind or simply because he loves you no matter what and just wants some images of you - you have asked him to stop and the only acceptable solution is for him to do that.

Sit him down tonight and calmly explain you hate having your photo taken or being filmed unless you have specifically agreed to it and it is making you extremely unhappy with him, so he must stop doing it.

If he does anything other than apologises and never does it again, it is disgusting behaviour - he doesn't need to understand your issues or even agree - but he must respect them.

If he continues i would be seriously considering your future with someone who doesn't respect you and deliberately does something you hate and have asked them not. I'd certainly not be sharing a bed with him, doing anything for him in the way of household stuff / cooking / shopping etc, and would make sure i was fully clothed / bathroom door etc locked at all times.

Thanks everyone. He has been quite apologetic this morning, and tbh, he is not a massive nobhead in general, he just does nobby things occasionally; (don't all men haha?) But I said 'please stop doing this. It's upsetting me.' He said he doesn't get why I am angry as I look cute on the pics/vids. I really don't. I really really don't!

And as a few people mentioned, it's odd that he takes pics/vids of me doing drudgery, so I look wank. Slovenly, fat, and bleh!. I mean imagine a 5 ft 3 woman who is 13 stone, with big-ish boobs, pictured from the side, bending over, no bra LOL.

Thanks for the compliments on my weight loss too folks. And for the record, I don't hate my body or think it's vile, I have just never had a lot of confidence in my body, and I have always struggled with my weight, (since I was a young teen,) so having pics taken without my knowledge upsets me. And the pics he takes make me look vile (imo,) because I am often bending over, they're sideways on, and I am scruffy/no make up/no bra/shit hair and looking horrid. He never takes 'candids' where I look nice.

He says he won't do it again! We'll see.

Thanks for the support though ladies. You're all lovely.

I still wondered deep down if he was doing it out of spite, to show me how shit I look, so I don't get too confident, by maybe that's my over active imagination. He said he does it purely because I look 'cute.' If I said I think he is doing it for that reason, he would say no because he probably doesn't even realise he is doing it for that reason IYSWIM.

Thanks again. x

Sounds annoying but it also sounds as if those times you feel you look awful he sees something beautiful and just wants to capture it, I'm not into lots of filming or pics but many people are always recording stuff and it sounds like the motive is pretty nice.

Does he often take Random pics and vids? If his phone is always in his hand ready to go then it is less surprising than if this is a new habit... Has he done it to anyone else?

I sometimes take pictures of DH and he hates how he looks in them. I think he's gorgeous (he is, actually). But if he asked me not, I wouldn't. Of course. And he categorically knows that I think he's handsome. I would hate if he thought I took pictures to be an arsehole. And I delete any that he looks 'bad' in.

You DH not stopping when you ask is really bad, whether he thinks you're cute or not.

I think you're overreacting. The photos are between you and him.

I think it says more about how you view your body/appearance than about him. You seem to take your looks very seriously. Do you avoid looking in the mirror unless dressed up and made up?

Why do you find it so hard to believe he likes how you look? My DH often takes photos of me in scruffy clothes, hair a mess, no make-up, when I'm gardening or deep in thought or grumpy. He also says I look 'cute' like this. In his eyes the natural look is attractive and endearing. It shows something 'real' rather than something pretend. Of course we have photos of us dressed up and posing, but natural shots give a truer reflection.

At the end of the day, he sees you from all angles (including unflattering ones) so I'm not sure what you're trying to hide from him.

It doesn't matter how cute he thinks you look or how awful you think you look.
You have said not to so now it's a matter of disrespect.
If it were my DH I would be saying very calmly if you do that once more I will put your phone in the washing up bowl full of water and mean it.
Sympathies, I like how I look but would hate thinking someone could be secretly filming me at any time.

It's not a matter of trying to hide anything, NoSand. I'm 3 stone lighter than OP (I've been much heavier than I am) and still wouldn't be happy about candid photos and videos of me, in my jammies with unconstrained tits, possibly with a bit of builder's arse going on, depending on the jammie bottoms, with greasy, possibly still creased, morning face and bedhead, bending over a pile of laundry. I'd be even less happy, when I asked the person with the camera to please stop, they disregarded my wishes or made fun of me, whatever my reasons for them wanting to stop.

wanting them to stop

wording my muddles

Surely it's a good thing that he thinks you're beautiful?