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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry with DH?

66 replies

user1493759849 · 03/05/2017 00:03

Fuming right now, and DH doesn't even seem to be able to see/understand why!

On FOUR different occasions now, (in 6 weeks,) he has taken a picture of me or videoed me when I don't realise he's doing it. Only for a laugh apparently. Hmm

2 pics and 2 videos actually. One pic is of me walking across a field the other week when we'd gone for a walk, (sort of sideways on and slouched,) and one is of me in the garden the other day pegging the washing out, with baggy, unflattering jogging bottoms on, and a white top. Both unflattering, ugly pictures where I look plain fat.

And the videos; the one is of me getting out of the car, dragging the shopping out and huffing and puffing, and with lots of unattractive angles. And the other video was him in the garden, filming me through the window, washing up, turning to the side a few times, and looking awful. No make up, shit hair, looking fat. (I am size 16, and 13 stone, and 5 ft 3, so I am not huge but am quite chubby, with a bit of a double chin, and shots from the side are horrible!)

I have lost a bit of weight lately (1.5 stone) and dropped a couple of dress sizes, but I'm still chubby. And I hate (and always have hated) being filmed, and I don't like pics being taken unless I am 'ready' for it. iyswim. And definitely not from sideways on!

He is rolling around laughing at how stunned I suddenly look when I realise he is filming me, and I just say 'FUCK OFF!' which he finds hilarious. He says 'awww, but you're so cute and funny, tootling around the kitchen, I just wanted you to see how cute you look.' Hmm I don't look cute, I look fat and ugly and vile, and he knows I hate having pics or video footage taken at ALL with no make up on, let alone have them taken when I am not aware of it.

I yelled at him tonight for doing it and I said 'it's borderline bullying now.' He said I am ridiculous and 'putting it online would be borderline bullying.' I said 'no that would be actual bullying, not borderline!'

So now he has buggared off to bed in a passive aggressive sulk because I got 'all pissy about nothing' apparently. He knows I hate this; having pics/videos taken when I am not aware of it, especially when I look crap, and he takes them at unflattering angles..., so why does he do it?

When I ask why, he says 'just for a laugh' and 'what's the problem, all the camera is doing is showing you what you look like. I am doing nothing wrong!' And 'FFS, can't I even have a laugh with my wife?'

I should probably add that this isn't the first time he has done this; it's just that it's happened 4 times in about 6 weeks FFS! Last time he did it was about January! He doesn’t put the pics or footage anywhere, but I am pissed off with him doing it now. I don’t have much confidence in how I look anyway and have always disliked my body and struggled with my weight, and yet he films me and takes pics of me from horrible unflattering angles, and thinks there’s nothing wrong with it, and he says I look fine Hmm

I guess one answer would be to do the same to him, but I don't want to, I want him to stop.

AIBU?

???

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 03/05/2017 00:59

If you want to give him the benefit of a final chance to stop it I would say something like 'this is upsetting me and making me uncomfortable in my own home to the degree that I know I can't go on like this indefinitely. Do you really want to lose everything we have solely because you won't stop doing something I've specifically told you upsets me? It doesn't matter that you think it's harmless and that it wouldn't bother you if someone did it to you, what matters is that it upsets me and I don't understand why you won't stop doing something you know upsets me.'

It isn't just about the pictures and videos, it's about him choosing to continue doing something he knows upsets you, why would anyone do that to someone they love?

TeslasDeathRay · 03/05/2017 00:59

Congratulations on your weight loss! Flowers

He shouldn't be doing this to you. It doesn't really even matter the reason, it's the fact that you've told him to stop and he won't. You're not being unreasonable at all.

I'd be inclined to do it back when he's asleep or on the toilet and see how he likes it.

ecuse · 03/05/2017 01:00

^ this is all context specific, of course. If he has form for being an arse, he's probably just being an arse.

Guepe · 03/05/2017 01:03

I've met a lot of people who don't see the issue with taking candid pictures, even when asked not to.

I think it's really shitty behaviour and try to avoid spending time with people who do it.

OboePlayingImmortalRabbit · 03/05/2017 05:48

You have my sympathy, OP. My husband does exactly the same thing. He thinks it's hilarious. I don't.

Congratulations on the weight loss, by the way Flowers

UppityHumpty · 03/05/2017 06:25

He keeps doing it because you react. Stop reacting to the photos and he'll stop. Just ignore him.

rizlett · 03/05/2017 06:32

I totally agree with buttery and think he has a little issue with your success in losing weight and having more confidence. You're learning to love your body and he might be feeling a bit insecure.

What we do with dogs is - praise the positive - so maybe say some nice things to him - and ignore the behaviour you don't like and eventually it will stop - although you do tend to get a spike in the behaviour just before it does stop - so keep on ignoring even though it might appear its become worse.

GinIsIn · 03/05/2017 06:37

If he wants to be so childish, then fine - treat him like a child. Take his phone away, tell him you've had enough of his behaviour and he can have it back when he's able to use it responsibly.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/05/2017 06:48

It sounds like he should be at school. I agree with treating him like he is your child. Bedtime, lots of rules, tell him to sleep in the single bed if you have one etc. See how he likes this.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 03/05/2017 06:51

HIBU, obviously, and it does sound like behaviour designed to humiliate you and keep you in your place somehow. I'd be thinking about handing him a packed bag next time it happens and asking him to stay elsewhere for a couple of days then to come back for a serious talk. Drastic, perhaps, but there's something quite drastic about this behaviour. It's very unsettling.

That aside, please don't refer to yourself/your body as 'vile'. It's a horrible word (although it seems to be going through a period of inflationary use). If you didn't hate your body as much as you seem to, he wouldn't have so much power over you doing this (not that it makes it in any way acceptable).

ShowMePotatoSalad · 03/05/2017 06:55

It's not borderline bullying anyway...it's bullying. You told him you don't like it. He carries on. Then he behaves passive aggressively. He's teasing you, taking the piss out of you. It's bullying.

purplecoathanger · 03/05/2017 06:56

He's being a dick. Tell him absolutely not to do it again and make him see how serious you are.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 03/05/2017 06:56

Some of the replies about treating him like a child are distinctly odd. Hmm

bigbuttons · 03/05/2017 06:56

He sounds abusive to me. My ex used to do all that crap- not the filming- but upsetting me deliberately and then making out it was a joke and berating me for spoiling his fun, making me the problem.

AnyFucker · 03/05/2017 06:59

Treat him like you would an attention seeking 3yo. Ignore the bad behaviour.

Then have a good think about whether you planned on being partnered with a 3yo.

PoorYorick · 03/05/2017 07:01

Horrible, entitled behaviour. Flush his phone down the toilet. There's not a jury in the land that would convict (except one of equally horrible and entitled pricks).

Donthate · 03/05/2017 07:14

Sounds to me like he's 'keeping you in your place'. He's probably threatened by your weight loss so taking unflattering pics to undermine your confidence. He sounds awful.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 03/05/2017 07:18

Other people see things we don't. To him, you re beautiful. He loves no matter what.

PurpleWithRed · 03/05/2017 07:21

Unacceptable for all the reasons above. I also feel the 'stay calm' strategy will be your best approach if you can do it - don't react when he does it, give him the cold shoulder, find a moment to make a one-off serious request to not do it in future. If he does it again then get seriously chilly - cold stare and "I feel very hurt by this. You can see how much it upsets me. Why are you deliberately trying to make me unhappy?".

alonsypot · 03/05/2017 07:26

I don't know, I take lots of pictures of dh in moments I'd like to remember. I also think he's handsomer than he does.

He may genuinely like them and think you're wonderful and be trying to show you funny moments, in which case four or five times of you seeming cross isn't enough to change a habit (the latest one might be though). Or everyone else is right, he's a dickhead trying to put you down.

Context is everything - is he generally mocking? Mean? Has he only ever taken candid photos like this since January?

FurryLittleTwerp · 03/05/2017 07:29

He might genuinely think you look fine, in which case he ought to tell you directly, rather than making a nuisance of himself by doing something he knows you don't like Hmm

BurnTheBlackSuit · 03/05/2017 07:32

I'm not sure I agree with other posters. Take photos when your subject is unaware can get the best shots of them- natural and relaxed. That in itself isn't a problem imo.

The problem is he's laughing about it and it upsets you and he carries on doing it despite this. That is wrong and bullying.

Fortheloveofscience · 03/05/2017 07:37

I think the nature of the jobs you're doing when he takes pictures of you is quite telling. Seems to be just 'drudge work' pics that he then uses to laugh at you. In my mind this makes it feel very different to if he was taking a candid picture of you, for example, laughing on the phone with friends or relaxing in the evening. I'd be furious the first time then incandescent when he continued Angry.

123MothergotafleA · 03/05/2017 07:41

Yes, tell him to pack it in, and if he continues to photograph you against your will, simply LTB!!!
Or just whack him over the head with the frying pan to knock the message home. He sounds thick.

DameDeDoubtance · 03/05/2017 07:45

You've asked him to stop and he is carrying on anyway, even though he knows that his behaviour is hurting you. That's the problem, why does he want to hurt you, why will he not stop when you've asked him to?

His behaviour is cruel.

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