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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed of at DH for this?

58 replies

BasinHaircut · 02/05/2017 23:12

We are TTC. Today I got a positive ovulation test so likelyhood is that I will ovulate tomorrow, so we should ideally have sex tonight. We said we would do it every other day during fertile period this month and have done so far, last time we did was Sunday night.

Got in bed and he says 'do you mind if we don't, I'm really tired'. I said that we would be missing our last chance during fertile
window if we didn't and he said 'oh well can't be helped'.

I'm so annoyed. Usually he moans that I don't want sex enough and made a comment the other day about how I only want sex because I want to get pregnant. I'm not sure what the problem is even if that was true!

I know it's not the end of the world if I don't get pregnant this month but TTC isn't exactly romantic and I know he isn't enjoying it as much as he would ideally so you would have bought he would want to try and get it over with this month if possible!

OP posts:
DragonMamma · 02/05/2017 23:17

YABU

I wouldn't want to have sex with my partner if I knew it was solely driven out of their wish to get pregnant.

Functional sex isn't exactly desirable for most people. He probably wants to know that you're actually in to having sex because you want to have sex with him and are not just interested in the by-products.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 02/05/2017 23:19

This is the window of opportunity to lie to your dh. .
When ttc men don't need to know about cycles, opk, hcg, pmt, etc
If a man said to a woman - right, bed, perform there would be hell on surely??
You are effectively telling him you expect to to perform right now - and ejaculate too!!
Tact, diplomacy and lying are the way to go.

After af tell him you are having a break from ttc.
It is a lie but he doesn't need to know this. . .
Let him think it's him you need next +opk. . Not just his swimmers. .

MyNameIsntTaken · 02/05/2017 23:20

Everything Dragonmama said. Plus, how disgusted would you feel with him if he got pissed off at you because you said no to sex?

Only1scoop · 02/05/2017 23:21

Yabu
Blimey that 'every other day' thing would put me off. Sounds like a rota

Peanutandphoenix · 02/05/2017 23:22

Didn't want to read and run. I can understand why your DH is pissed off because he is right you do only want sex because you want a baby you need to step away from ovulation kits and stop with the whole we can only have sex during a certain window and get back to enjoying sex and you will get pregnant when your suppose to you don't need to use gadgets and gizmos to help you decide when you should have sex. Good luck with the TTC OP Flowers

Batghee · 02/05/2017 23:23

YABU no one should feel like they have to have sex if they dont really want to! Thats horrible pressure to put on someone.

WorraLiberty · 02/05/2017 23:25

I get that you're disappointed OP

But being pissed off at him for being too tired to have sex, particularly when there's not a shred of romance or spontaneity involved, isn't fair.

BocaDeTrucha · 02/05/2017 23:31

Having been in exactly that situation of "it's gotta be tonight" when ttc, I know how you're feeling but I think you know Yabu, even though you're annoyed. It's the biggest passion killer there is, and even my high sex-drive dh got fed up of it after a while. It's only 1 month, there will be a next month!!! Good luck with it though, do whatever you can to keep the relationship good and healthy. Ttc can be quite a source of relationship problems when it's not going as quick as it should.

Original poster
BasinHaircut · 02/05/2017 23:32

We both decided to TTC and the every other day thing, not just me!

I wasn't supposed to be doing OPKs but I couldn't help it Blush I didn't tell him but he caught me earlier because apparently it's too much to ask to have a wee in peace when I get in from work so I guess he knows now.

I do think that he is feeling the pressure and also that it's all a bit contrived but so do I to be fair. Although I admit it's slightly easier for me as I'm not the one who has to 'perform'.

OP posts:
dataandspot · 02/05/2017 23:42

Every other day across how many days?

Ceto · 02/05/2017 23:44

If you're likely to ovulate tomorrow, it isn't your last chance, is it?

steff13 · 02/05/2017 23:46

If you want to have a wee in peace, I recommend you don't have kids. 😉

Have you been trying for a long time? If not, maybe back off the regimented sex and just let things happen naturally.

Original poster
BasinHaircut · 02/05/2017 23:46

Well we started last weds so it's only been weds, fri and Sunday so far. Tonight probably would have been the last time we had sex purely because of TTC this month.

It's not like we don't have sex at other times, but if we both decide to try for another child then surely we are both signing up to a bit of regiment?

OP posts:
Original poster
BasinHaircut · 02/05/2017 23:49

steff I sneaked upstairs before DS saw me this evening for a peaceful wee. But DH decided to follow me instead. God knows why.

OP posts:
CuppaTeaTeddy · 02/05/2017 23:49

I'd be put off the whole rota thing. It seems like you're desperate and he just wants it to be enjoyable instead of feeling like he is having to do it.

familygermsareok · 02/05/2017 23:52

Eggs only survive for about 12 hours after ovulation if unfertilised, but sperm lasts inside you for about a week so if you have had unprotected sex within the last few days there should still be plenty of live sperm around to fertilise your egg during its window.
Doesn't mean you will def get pregnant this month of course, but you don't need to worry about co ordinating sex exactly to match your ovulation as long as you've dtd in the last few days.
Good luck!

missymayhemsmum · 02/05/2017 23:54

You've been ttc for a whole 5 days and you are putting yourselves under this pressure? Ffs. Chill out and enjoy the ride.

StillHungryy · 03/05/2017 00:03

I can't think of anything worse Han thinking you're only wanted to help make a baby, I think it'd be pretty shit. Whilst you both decided TTC if he thinks you don't normally want sex and now you're demanding g it only because you're ovulating and doing tests you said you weren't gonna do then meh it's gotta be a downer.

Bunnyfuller · 03/05/2017 00:03

What's the rush?

Original poster
BasinHaircut · 03/05/2017 00:15

Thanks for responding everyone. I do know IBU really.

It's not that big of a deal and I think actually we should both relax about it. I think he feels the pressure for it to happen ASAP, whereas I am looking at it from a strategic POV rather than an urgency one.

I don't like this regimented stuff either but we decided together that now was a good time to actively try and so we are actively trying. If we aren't actively trying that's fine we can wait and if he actually decided he didn't want another child that's ok too (I think) but just waiting until we got into bed and saying he doesn't fancy it tonight peed me off.

OP posts:
Catrina1234 · 03/05/2017 00:26

I know this isn't helpful but I find it incredible what you young mothers go through, with temperature charts and ovulation records and"windows of opportunity" (I only know all this because my friend's daughter is TTC and going through all this)

In my day there weren't even pregnancy tests - you waited till you'd missed 2 periods and went to the GP who did an internal and said "yes you're pregnant" and sorted out a midwife appointment.

I can understand the need to conceive and bear a child but I do wonder if all this worrying and testing is actually not conducive to getting pregnant.

scottishdiem · 03/05/2017 00:41

TTC isn't exactly romantic

Depends. I mean when its clear there are problems with conception and a regimented approach drastically increases chances then a lot of the romance is lost.

But, for fucks sake, you are a week into this process. It should be a loving romantic act still. And for the next few months or more (depending on your patience which I think we can see is about zero). If you make it a romantic thing where it doesn't need to be so regimented you'll find you'll both enjoy it more.

WorraLiberty · 03/05/2017 00:44

Actively trying (since last Wednesday???) doesn't mean charts/regiment and all the passion killers that brings.

It just means coming off of birth control and having sex as and when you both feel like it.

Or at least it should do anyway.

You need to chill out massively. This is a relationship, not a trip to the dentist.

Guepe · 03/05/2017 01:06

YABU is putting it mildly.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/05/2017 01:28

@Catrina1234 We must be about the same age. I remember having to wait until I missed 2 periods with DS1. And yes, we just 'got on with it' when we decided we wanted a baby. That's why DS2 was born in March instead of May or June Wink.

I can understand schedules and all that if there has been difficulty in conceiving before, otherwise I'd think they'd take all the fun out of it!