How do I set a boundary with this creepy new male housemate?

[NaturalBornSloth]

Taken aback by what he's just said to me. He has recovered from some serious psychiatric issues - good on him - but is now training to be a therapist. He seems to drink a hell of a lot, and is quite clearly half cut right now.

When he moved in we had the normal banal chat of how we ended up in London, I said I moved to be with my ex. No, we're not together nowadays, but I built a life here and loved it so I stayed. He has just moved back from an Asian country. We both have accents so it's obvious neither of us are from here.

Anyway today when I was making tea and making general conversation I asked him if he enjoyed his therapist training. He started banging on about how I'm stuck in a rut in London after my ex broke up with me. I was taken aback and explained London is home, I love it. He said its not my home as my parents don't live here. Then another housemate came in and subject changed.

I'm pissed off at this on a number of levels. He has shown a lack of boundaries, made assumptions and been far too over-familiar. I'm already wary of him because he gets very drunk at night.

What can I do or say to be assertive? I was so taken aback when he said it! I didn't even realise he was talking about me, when he was talking about being "stuck after your boyfriend broke up with you" - for one, I broke up with him!

I'd be having as little to do with him as possible! Are you happy in the flat generally?

Trainee therapists are a nightmare. Trying out their very new skills on everyone.

A quick, "don't social work me" with a grin used to work on me when I was like this.

The drinking is quite another issue.

The house itself is fine, but I hate the constant changeover of tenants. As I mentioned in another thread though I get housing benefit top up so my options on moving are very limited.

Will definitely be having as little as possible to do with him, but I wondered if I should say something. I have a feeling he will be the type to make more remarks, and I don't think when it happens again that I should stay silent. I need to be ready!

I feel he'll make remarks about my weight or food or something. I know his type.

"Enough about me. Let's examine your alcohol dependency. Does it stem from insecurity or a poor parental relationship, or a little of both?"

You really need to try and nip this crap in the bud, are you an assertive person?
I'd be really stern every time he tries to analyse your life, what a dick.

"I feel he'll make remarks about my weight or food or something. I know his type."

In that case, ignore what I said. I would vaguely agree by saying "Hmmm, right," and looking at him pityingly. Repeat that until he gives up.

Perhaps I'm just an old coward, but now that he's earnestly told me he used to have awful anger issues - well, I'm reluctant to say anything that could be taken as inflammatory. In case he, well, goes for me physically. Fuck, I fucking hate even having to think like this.

I do want to have an idea of calm, assertive things to say that shut down the conversation. Although to be fair some twats will never listen and will just keep pushing. So may not work. I don't know.

Say... 'you're probably right.' in a neutral tone of voice. This in no way says that they are right, but it's amazing how this takes the wind out of people's sails if said as soon as they start.

I'm very capable of being assertive and will happily say whatever I think I need to say - but genuinely have no idea what to say with something like this. Because it is insidious and hard to exactly define. And because I'm gauging how dangerous a drunk man who has told me he used to have anger issues is.

I wish I'd known exactly the right thing to say in the moment, when it happened so now it was done and dusted. My brain wasn't quick enough!

'You're probably right' is v. effective at closing down the conversation without provoking.

He doesn't sound particularly 'creepy', but the intrusive question was not on. I would just reply everytime 'this is too personal, I don't want to talk about this'. And give him a wide berth if you really can't stand him.

Was he drunk when he asked that question? Then definitely give him a wide berth.

I'd be very wary too if he had anger issues and likes a drink, add in his new therapy training and sounds like recipe for disaster.

Non committal responses as said above and stay the heck out of his way.

Grim situation, don't let him get to you, easier said than done I know.

Could you just look a bit surprised and say "I'm not sure that's any of your business really"

Yes, he was clearly 'tipsy' but not completely out of it. Like not so drunk he won't remember.

Giving him a wide berth yes, definitely, but I want to be able to make a cup of tea without having to wait for him to stop pissing about in the kitchen. I really want to make a sandwich now and am avoiding going in there.

Maybe tell him "You'll have a think about what he's said" then don't say any more. Surely he can't expect you to come up with an instant reply. Then if he asks you again, tell him he's probably right. Being in a rut is often necessary to put food on the table and pay the bills. I guess we are probably all in one including Mr. Trainee Counsellor). It amazed me when I was on a 2 year counselling course just how in need of counselling, most of the students were. Just about no-one was in a fit mental state to be helping anyone else imo. Some were seriously dodgy.

Go in! It's your house too, I'd acknowledge that he's there but don't commit to a conversation, just mmmhmmm and uh huh to anything he says.

Don't let him take over like that. Just be single minded in your pursuit of your sandwich. Answer in monosyllables if you have to.

"Just be single minded in your pursuit of your sandwich"

Dunno why but this made me giggle!

Right, I'm going in. Wish me luck.

I'd reply "ok" then ignore him.

Also, if he threatens you in any way, it goes without saying that you call the police.

'You don't know me well enough to comment on my life'

'You have strong opinions for someone who knows nothing about me, don't you?'

'You're very opinionated this morning, are you hungover?'

'If I need advice, I'll ask for it, thanks. I'm perfectly happy with the way things are now though'

How about 'Christ you talk some shit when you're drunk' when he says anything weird.

I agree with others - a range of non-committal then change the subject responses.

"Possibly... Do you think it'll rain later?"

"Uhu... God the tube was a nightmare this evening."

"Mmm, okay... Must remember to buy cornflakes later."

And like Mags says, don't hesitate to call the police if he gets threatening.

Unless you want to confront him with "I'd prefer it if you stayed the fuck out of my business didn't make personal remarks about me. If I want your opinion I will ask for it" the best thing you can do is restrict the conversation to impersonal things: weather, music (although this can get personal), 'bland' current events (not politics). Don't even ask how he is. If he asks how you are say (shoulder shrug) "Mmm, it's supposed rain today". If he ventures from 'it's supposed to rain today' to 'your issues' you just ignore and steer the question back.

I would walk around with earphones in, works on public transport mostly.