How do I set a boundary with this creepy new male housemate?

[NaturalBornSloth]

Taken aback by what he's just said to me. He has recovered from some serious psychiatric issues - good on him - but is now training to be a therapist. He seems to drink a hell of a lot, and is quite clearly half cut right now.

When he moved in we had the normal banal chat of how we ended up in London, I said I moved to be with my ex. No, we're not together nowadays, but I built a life here and loved it so I stayed. He has just moved back from an Asian country. We both have accents so it's obvious neither of us are from here.

Anyway today when I was making tea and making general conversation I asked him if he enjoyed his therapist training. He started banging on about how I'm stuck in a rut in London after my ex broke up with me. I was taken aback and explained London is home, I love it. He said its not my home as my parents don't live here. Then another housemate came in and subject changed.

I'm pissed off at this on a number of levels. He has shown a lack of boundaries, made assumptions and been far too over-familiar. I'm already wary of him because he gets very drunk at night.

What can I do or say to be assertive? I was so taken aback when he said it! I didn't even realise he was talking about me, when he was talking about being "stuck after your boyfriend broke up with you" - for one, I broke up with him!

Sandwiches are no laughing matter, OP

Good luck and report back!

His attitude could be a cultural difference - his presumptions and the way he spoke to you. He may not have meant any offence, but it certainly comes across a bit weird and rude.

You don't necessarily need to have any comments ready to respond to his opinions. Using silence and facial expressions works wonders. I would pull a very amused, skeptical face every time he says anything. You could aslo accommpany that with: "No, you've misunderstood", or "No that was not the case". Etc......A very sketchy response that closes him down but gives no further detail. Then saunter off.

'I would walk around with earphones in, works on public transport mostly.'

This.

Yeah yeah whatever used to work for me.

Thanks for these ideas. I think as you have all said, non committal is the way to go.

I'm actually pretty upset by the whole thing which is frustrating me as I feel weak. I have PTSD and I get upset when I perceive people to be trampling boundaries. It feels very threatening to me, even if small things...like he's showing me that he has no basic respect for me as another human being, so where might that end up?

I fucking hate shared living with strangers.

I would make eye contact and tell him it's none of his fucking business and until he stops aggressively discussing your private life then you're going to ignore him

And keep a cricket bat beside your bed

A non-commital 'Could be,' that sounds bored rigid by his pontificating might help. He sounds like hard work.

Some good suggestions already.

But I'll add - if you think he's creepy, you don't need loads of reasons to 'justify' it. A woman's gut feeling about creepy men is rarely wrong.

He's definitely creepy. There's something a bit sly about him.

Another one... ask him if he has his mobile nearby

If he replies yes then breezily tell him to call someone who gives a fuck while smiling and wander off waving like the queen over your shoulder as you go

Message sent loud and clear 😂

Nothing to add to the very good advice on how to deal with him, but just want to reinforce that you should trust your instincts. Give him a wide berth and don't engage with any attempts at conversation.

If he gets pushy then feel free to be direct.

I second M0stly's suggestion. Don't engage. He's not worth the bother. Give him a wide berth. Keep a keen ear out for your instincts though regarding the creepiness.

Xpost with flip too!

Earphones in.

If you have to speak to him a non committal 'yeah sounds about right' type of reply is perfect.

Do you have other house mates?

Yes, and the others we have at the minute are nice people so I'm hoping they stay here for a bit and there's no more new people until I'm in a position to move out.

If you have PTSD then chances are you don't want to be in any way confrontational. And that's perfectly fine. If that's the case, then earphones are the best bet. Remember that you don't actually have to be listening to anything, people will see the earphones and simply assume you are.

Poor you. He sounds like a grade A dick. Agree with non-committal and swift subject change. Well, I would go with headphones first and foremost. No sound so you have your wits about you if he's saying anything aggressive/abusive. What a ballache. Sympathy.

Oh I missed the bit about PTSD. Earphones definitely the way to go! Glad the rest of your housemates are nice.

Maybe tell him "You'll have a think about what he's said" then don't say any more. Surely he can't expect you to come up with an instant reply.
No! That sounds like you want his help sorting your life out, and are keen to have another conversation when you've processed all the wisdom he's provided!

Go for something bland and unencouraging, like a non- committal 'uh-huh?', as if you're barely listening. He sounds just a bit misguided and as if he's trying out his counselling (which he sounds quite bad at, as he's trying to tell you what you should feel about your situation, based on how he might feel, instead of asking!). If he persists I'd tell him you don't need any advice thanks, and have some bland topics lined up to divert onto (or leave the room, if you're finished with what you're doing.
Another tactic could be headphones and listening to a podcast or music which may put him off talking to you a little?

Sorry, didn't see that there was a second page, and headphones had already been suggested!

'Well that's certainly something to think about... ... ... ...So, how is your therapist training going? And how do you feel it's coming along?'
And the that throws it back onto him and he sounds self absorbed enough to talk about himself from there on in, then you can make noncommittal noises. While he chunters on...

Just don't talk to him. Put your headphones in and nod and smile. Then move out if he doesn't. Life is too short to live with people you dislike.

If someone is banging on talking about something I don't want to engage in, for whatever reason, I usually say 'I've never really thought about it' and either change the subject or wander off.

"'Well that's certainly something to think about... ... ... ...So, how is your therapist training going? And how do you feel it's coming along?'
And the that throws it back onto him and he sounds self absorbed enough to talk about himself from there on in, then you can make noncommittal noises. While he chunters on..."

Think this is good. But OP, if he really crosses a line, I'd fix a wide, fake smile on my face, look him in the face and say "let's talk about something else" which is non-confrontational but the message is crystal clear.