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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..... To not be comfortable with this

54 replies

HoHoHoHo · 01/05/2017 23:02

My friend thinks its funny to call my dp's children my step-children. I don't like it as they already have a mother and I don't try to parent them. I'm not married to their dad and even if I was I don't think I'd like it. I just don't like the term and think it implies that the biological mother isn't the main maternal figure in their life.

She's recently stepped this up a notch and written it on social media as a comment on a picture my oh put up. I am pretty sure he's friends with his ex on there so she could see this and feel uncomfortable. I got my boyfriend to delete it when I saw it but he doesn't think its a big deal but I feel like I should have a word with her. He thinks I should just leave it and I'm over-thinking it.

Would I be unreasonable to tell her in no uncertain terms to stop this or am I over-thinking this as dp says?

OP posts:
MysweetAudrina · 01/05/2017 23:07

Well if you married him that's what you would be. My step children have a mother but I am their step mother. It's a common term might be a bit early to be using it though as technically you are not until you get married. She probably knows it annoys you and is doing it to that reason.

sooperdooper · 01/05/2017 23:07

Of course it doesn't imply their biological mother is the main maternal figure Confused

I agree with your DP, you're overthinking it massively

FerrisMewler · 01/05/2017 23:08

If she genuinely has no idea that you don't like the term, I would tell her this.

If you've told her that you don't like it and she continues to say it, then she's really not much of a friend.

If she's doing it to provoke a reaction from you, then I think ignoring her comments is probably the best thing to do. I'd be reconsidering the friendship though.

Original poster
HoHoHoHo · 01/05/2017 23:09

She's doing it to wind me up and its worked Smile

I think I've internalized the evil step-mother protrail in Disney

OP posts:
AirBiscuitEater · 01/05/2017 23:09

I don't think it's a big deal tbh. My DD sees her dad every weekend and he plays a big part in her life, however she still thinks of my DP as her stepdad. And he has no qualms in referring to her as his step daughter.

What do the children think of it?

19lottie82 · 01/05/2017 23:10

I'm not married to their dad and even if i
Was I don't think I'd like it.*

Why? That's exactly what you would be!

Original poster
HoHoHoHo · 01/05/2017 23:11

I think the children think I'm daddy's girlfriend. They are too young for Facebook so won't see it

OP posts:
phoenixtherabbit · 01/05/2017 23:13

I don't love being called a 'step mum' though I've never actually asked ss what he refers to me as to others iyswim.

I think you're overthinking it, it's just a term really I guess.

Original poster
HoHoHoHo · 01/05/2017 23:16

I think its the evil step-mother thing.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 01/05/2017 23:17

I just don't like the term and think it implies that the biological mother isn't the main maternal figure in their life

I think it states (not even implies) the exact opposite Confused

MommaGee · 01/05/2017 23:18

How long have you been together?
How serious is it?

LBOCS2 · 01/05/2017 23:19

I actually refer to myself as a wicked stepmother; usually in reference to when I'm making DSS go to bed or brush his teeth (or any other HORRIBLE thing that I do which might well violate his human right to stagnate in front of the Xbox... Wink).

I think you're over thinking it. It's a term which describes a relationship, she's premature with it but if you did end up marrying your DP then that's exactly what you'd be.

Original poster
HoHoHoHo · 01/05/2017 23:22

Fairly serious I think. Three years.

Just to clarify before anyone asks I wasn't the ow. I don't have children myself and have never felt the strong urge to (although never say never) so I don't really think of myself as any kind of mother. Don't get me wrong, I love them very much but I don't think its comparible to actually being a parent.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 01/05/2017 23:25

I think you are overthinking it too. It's just 'shorthand' for what the relationship is, if you are in a long term relationship. It's like people sometimes call a partner's parents their 'parents in law' or siblings 'BiL' or 'SiL' as shorthand, even though they aren't actually married, it's the same relationship when that's not the important part of what you are saying.

Esssa · 01/05/2017 23:28

My mum never liked us calling my 'step mum' or 'step brother/sister' that so we mostly referred to her as dad's wife and used their names. Can't say that either way particularly bothered me as a child and in conversation with others now I generally find it easier to say 'step' than explain in another fashion. People understand instantly who you mean.

MommaGee · 01/05/2017 23:34

Why is your "friend" deliberately winding you up?

MommaGee · 01/05/2017 23:35

Because actually that's a more pertinent point than how you guys a family refer to each other

Original poster
HoHoHoHo · 01/05/2017 23:40

She's a massive wind up merchant. She has form for over stepping the mark, although, to be fair to her, I think she genuinely doesn't realise and is apologetic if she realises she's upset someone.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 01/05/2017 23:51

I think you're right actually but know I'm pedantic about this. I always stuck with 'my dad's wife' or 'name' because I felt that she was no sort of mother to me, nor attempting to fulfil that role, so it wasn't appropriate. I already had a mother, who I lived with and who fully fulfilled the role.

Seren85 · 01/05/2017 23:51

DH has a slightly varied family with technically two step mums (yes I technically have 3 MILs). We don't call the second one that although she technically is but he's very close to SM1 so SM2 is "Dad's wife" but then his step sisters are just sisters so as not to make them feel less connected to the wider family. It is a bloody minefield. Not helped by the fact that DH looks like and is very similar to his SD (no back story, no secret parentage there) so everyone is shocked to meet his Dad. I can understand why you don't like it but it really is just short hand, particularly when you've been with DP a while and presumably are around when he has the kids.

BeeThirtythree · 01/05/2017 23:59

Do you think it was just a 'shorthand' term? How else should friend have referred to the children in the picture...? You and your boyfriend's children?

I don't think you are being overly unreasonable...if it makes you feel uncomfortable/think it is not appropriate then have a discrete but polite word. Explain that you feel that term does not sit with you.
As long as you have a good relationship with the children, other things not matter as much...I don't think using the term step mum is usurping the biological mum in any way but personal choice.

indigox · 01/05/2017 23:59

How old are you?

Original poster
HoHoHoHo · 02/05/2017 00:01

33...

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 02/05/2017 00:02

It's two separate issues.

One is how you, your DP & his children all see your relationships. Do you even live together? It sounds like your DP is happy for you to be referred to as their SM, is he happy you still use the term 'girlfriend' or would he prefer 'partner'? I wonder how the children feel? But it's YOUR decision. To me 'girlfriend' is pretty 'uncommitted' if that's how you feel then stick with 'Daddy's girlfriend', if, however, you think this is a 'forever' relationship then maybe you need to have a look at the terminology you use, because words do matter. If you insist on remaining 'Daddy's Girlfriend' and not using terminology that includes them, then you need to think about why that is and how that might be upsetting them.

Second issue is your friend. Either she's winding you up about the 'Evil Step Mother' & thinks you'll find it funny (and knows the kids aren't on FB) or she's a bit of a bitch - only you know. If she's a bitch, ditch her - life's too short. If she's not then explain about you not wanting to be seen in that way (parenting, responsibility etc) and that you do not want to upset their Mum either & that it's not funny, so to please stop.

EineKleine · 02/05/2017 00:03

To me it doesn't in the slightest imply that the children's mother is not the main maternal figure in their life. The mother is called the mother, of course she is the main maternal figure. The step parent's "step" bit explicitly says that there is a different relationship. I wonder if it's more you reacting to anything that contains the word "mother".

However I take your points that it's your call and you don't like it, and you are not married.

I think you just need to have a conversation along the lines of "no seriously, stop doing it. I worry that it's really hurtful to the children's mother." Or say it makes you really uncomfortable.