..... To not be comfortable with this

[HoHoHoHo]

My friend thinks its funny to call my dp's children my step-children. I don't like it as they already have a mother and I don't try to parent them. I'm not married to their dad and even if I was I don't think I'd like it. I just don't like the term and think it implies that the biological mother isn't the main maternal figure in their life.

She's recently stepped this up a notch and written it on social media as a comment on a picture my oh put up. I am pretty sure he's friends with his ex on there so she could see this and feel uncomfortable. I got my boyfriend to delete it when I saw it but he doesn't think its a big deal but I feel like I should have a word with her. He thinks I should just leave it and I'm over-thinking it.

Would I be unreasonable to tell her in no uncertain terms to stop this or am I over-thinking this as dp says?

I think I'd have commented on fb so everyone saw it. "I'm not their s-m and I've asked you many times not to refer to me that way. Please stop, it's just childish."

My friend isn't a nasty person but enjoys winding people up. I know she's saying it to wind me up and in some ways I don't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing its worked.

I think einekleine is right about me reacting to the word mother.

I do wonder how his ex would feel about it. I don't know if I would like someone else being referred to as any kind of mother to my hypothetical children. That is totally me protecting though as I have no way of knowing how she feels about it.

In terms of using the term girlfriend or partner we use it interchangeably depending on the situation. It doesn't bother me either way to be honest.

Jux not really my style to be honest. If I say anything it will be in private.

You say she's a 'wind up merchant' but that she 'stops if she knows it's upsetting'. Have you told her it's upsetting? Because if you have and she's still doing it, then she's not a 'wind up merchant' she's an arsehole. And not much of a friend. If you haven't told her, is it because you're afraid she won't listen to you or will ramp it up to 'get to you' even more?

'Winding up' is a power trip, you know. She gets off on upsetting people, it makes her feel powerful that she can affect someone's emotions. IMO, it's nasty behaviour and I won't have people in my life who are nasty.

I would ignore her. She is looking for a reaction (and frankly this "enjoys winding people up" is nasty).

I imagine if I were their mother I would probably feel a bit odd about my ex's partner's friend tagging photos using the word "step children". It would make me think "is the OP going about telling everyone she is "stepmum" when really she isn't in that role right now". But maybe it wouldn't bother others at all. Maybe ask your dp to have a word with her saying "you know OP's friend keeps tagging that stepmother thing - nothing to do with OP"

And of course you could just drop your "friend" from social media. problem solved.

Some good point acrossthepond.
In a lot of ways she's a good friend but tactless and says weird things. She once brought up that I'd slept with a make friend years ago at university in front of his girlfriend!

That should say male friend.

In a lot of ways she's a good friend but tactless and says weird things

Unless she has some type of MH or SN issue, then she isn't 'tactless' or 'saying weird things', she's rude.

I worked with a woman like this. Some of the things that came out of her mouth with regards to other people's appearances or personal business was gobsmacking! Co-workers said 'Oh that's just XXX. She has no filter' or 'Oh, you know XX likes to tease'. But I pulled her up on remarks she made to me sharp and, lo and behold, she didn't make those kinds of remarks about me anymore. At least not in my hearing.

Actually I would have a discussion about this with her and say that you're aware she likes to wind people up, it's not one of her nicer habits but you've always overlooked it before. However it now has the potential to affect your relationship with the children who are innocent parties here and don't deserve to get caught up in some grownup's [hard stare here] odd idea of a joke. So even though you don't like the term stepmum, she will soon find out where your loyalties lie if she persists in using a term that you feel causes problems between you and your partner's kids. And if she doesn't stop after that, end the friendship. It sounds like it's overdue for her to learn that this kind of 'wind up' makes her a person other people don't want to be around, and can have serious consequences.

In a lot of ways she's a good friend but tactless and says weird things. She once brought up that I'd slept with a make friend years ago at university in front of his girlfriend!

that's not tactless. That is shitstirring. She likes to play with people and likes to control their reactions. She'd have to have some hell of good points to make me overlook that quality.

honestly, I'd cut her from your FB (presume that is where she is posting). If she asks say "I didn't like the whole stepmum thing you were doing so decided to protect myself and the kids". No further explanation necessary.

Both my step parents were/are complete twats (my dad, and his wife, are now passed away), so I have always referred to them as 'my father's/mother's wife/husband'. I can't bring myself to use mother or father in relation to either of them. It's a way of distancing myself from them, and I would be seriously pissed off if anyone insisted on using the term once they knew this - not difficult to pick up on the subtext when I say 'my mother's husband' instead of 'my step-dad'. Your situation is different, but still part of the same thing. If you choose not to give yourself a particular label, for whatever reason, and your friends disrespect your choice, they're not friends. Presumably, your friend is around the same age as you, if she's still going out of her way to wind people up, it might be best to arrange a coffee and chat with her. In about ten years time, when she's grown up.

I'm with you, actually.

To me, 'stepmother' denotes the person who is the main mother-figure in your life because she's married to your father (but is not your biological mother).

In my experience, regardless of what it technically means, it's only used if the bio mother is dead or completely off the scene. Otherwise it's 'dad's girlfriend/partner'.

I think she is a stirrer and I would tell her to stop.

I would be deeply uncomfortable about anybody referring to me as a step anything unless I was actually married to the parent.

I understand where your coming from but that may be because I see a lot of very silly people doing it in very short lived relationships

HoHoHoHo I don't think step mother has any connotations of mum not around, except in Cinderella.

It seems to me like you are a bit hung up about your role in the lives of these kids, who you say you love, and I am sure you do, and I am sure you help care for them when they are with you.

So I'd just try and get more comfortable with the fact you will be seen by others (perhaps already by the kids) as being in the stepmother role even if you do not call yourself the stepmum.

If you partner doesn't think their mum will be upset by seeing the word stepmum used in relation to you then I would not worry about it.

Your friend sounds hugely annoying. She doesn't know that using this term of you won't upset someone and presumably you've told her not to use it of you. I'd just find it horrible to have someone who wanted to wind me up all the time. But that's up to you really, you could tell her to stop. She just sounds a bit too interested in winding people up. It's boring!

(PS you may find one day the kids want to call you mum, or maybe no! I'd focus on how the key people in your life feel and not this annoying friend).

I think it's totally up to you and varies from person to person. The woman my dad was married to when I was a kid, I refer to her as my stepmum, or ex stepmum now they've divorced. My dad is now married to someone virtually my age, and I refer to her as dad's wife, because she's not at all a maternal figure, I love her dearly but she's too close to my own age. My sister was with her now husband nearly ten years before they married, and only felt comfortable with step mum instead of daddy's girlfriend after the wedding. No one can make that choice for you.
YANBU. Your friend needs to step back a little.

I don't think it matters whether you are wrong to not like it or not. If she doesn't stop when you say you don't like it, then she's not v nice.

I think you are perfectly within your right and not to want to mother them, but for it to upset you seems OTT.

Just to dispel the myth a little... my Step Mum has been one of my best friends since I was 15 and still is. It can be a great relationship sometimes.

I'd also say that when she starts commenting on a picture your DP put up then she's bringing him and his children into it. which is stirring, IMO

Weirdly I don't I'd mine if the kids referred to me as their step-mum to other people. I guess because its their decision. I wouldn't want them to actually call me mum though. They have always just called me by my first name.

Yes, it is absolutely the children's decision - not yours.

I'm with KoalaDownUnder on the 'proper' definition - replacement Mum. At very least, someone playing a significant maternal / caring role. I also recognise that the term is used far more widely and casually than that these days and that many people would mean nothing by it at all.

In my case, my Dad's Wife was the OW and my DM gained full custody. So, using a 'replacement Mum' label or anything that even hinted at that, would have been very hurtful. I was very protective towards DM so would have been upset by it too.

I was probably in my late 30s before I started to tolerate 'step mum' as a casual shorthand. We've always had a good relationship, even more so as adults, even after DF and 'wife' separated but on a 'name' basis and that's just fine.

Obviously nothing like your situation but, I'm making the point that children can have very real sensitivities about this, that words matter and, that children won't always speak up.

Therefore, it's up to them - and if other people start to use the term around them, they need to be asked what they'd prefer. They aren't necessarily going to speak up and they're socialised to acquiesce with adults, so need to be offered options, not presented with a loaded 'does this bother you?' sort of question.

As far as you friend goes, I think this is a problem of the social media age. A few years ago, only your friends would hear her doing this. Now there's a risk of the children or their DM seeing it, certainly your DP.

So it's them she's messing with, as way of getting to you - she's challenging you to define yourself publicly and to your own family, playing with your relationships, prodding in private places to see if she gets a reaction and what the fallout might be - exactly as she did when telling your friend's GF you'd slept with him.

Which all suggests she's unhappy or insecure in her own relationships, wants a distraction and to prove others aren't so perfect either. That or she's a psychopath of course!

I think you are thinking too much into it to be honest. The thing is - you will become the children's step-mother if you were to get marriwd, are you ok with this? What would you expect the kids to refer you as if this happens? It's just a term - don't let friend wind you up about it. Friend is being very very childish if she's just doing it to 'wind you up' - is she 12?

So I told my friend to stop and she said she would and she didn't know it bothered me so much. She took my point that if her and her husband split she working like his gf being called step-mum on social media. I asked the girls what they called me to other people. They said my name. And then one added stinky in front of it.