To not really want to talk to her anymore?

[lotusbomb]

I made a friend when I started my new teaching job last year. We were both new members of a relatively small staff team which has a tendency to be quite cliquey. Said friend is aware of her own tendency to put her foot in her mouth, say the wrong thing etc etc. She's always valued our friendship as I'm always honest with her and tell her the truth.

She came to my home last week and were chatting about work, kids, etc and she mentioned one particular parent that has been difficult to deal with, he is from a country that she once lived/worked in and she had a bad experience there. She said "he looks at me like i'm a bug he's like to step on an in my head i'm just thinking 'go fuck yourself you [insert nationality here] piece of shit'". Obviously I shut her down immediately. I told her she cannot say things like that at, tar everyone with the same brush etc etc, basically tore a strop off her. I told her she was was being racist to which she retorted "it's not being racist, it's being prejudice" (so that makes it OK then ). I then reminded her that half of my daughters heritage is from that same place and DD (5) was within earshot but thankfully wearing headphones so didn't hear. Not that it matters at all, I don't want DD hearing hate about any group of people at all. She's not even fully aware of that part of her heritage really as her father is absent but I don't ever speak like that around her, we don't have a negative household in that respect.

Anyway, a week and a half has now passed and even though I addressed it as it happened, I can't seem to get past it. She is obviously aware as she has been kind of tip toeing around me, asking me if I'm ok but it is obvious that I've withdrawn from her.

I do feel i suppose extra disappointed as she's not hugely well liked amongst the team because she rubs people up the wrong way and I've always been more patient with her than the others. She was recently accused of being discriminatory by another parent which really upset her and in fairness, the accusation itself was baseless so it's ironic that she felt some comfortable to be discriminatory in front of me despite knowing how much I condemn that behavior.

Anyway, I haven't addressed it with her since. Partly because I addressed it at the time and don't see the need for me to be the one that brings it up again and partly just because I have a lot on my plate at the moment and I'm just trying to get through each day as stress free as possible at the moment. I supposed today I was just reflecting on how quickly hearing ugliness come out of somebodies mouth has made me uncomfortable and not particularly want to spend time with them anymore. AIBU?

tore a strip*

No you are not being unreasonable. She has shown you her true colours.

YANBU. No time for racists.

I think you acted as a friend should, pointing out her unacceptable attitude and why you were offended.
It's up to her now to apologise to you, admit she was wrong and attempt to repair your friendship.

I agree with her that it's prejudice rather than racism per se - she's prejudiced against people from that country because of the negative experience she had there, not because she doesn't like the colour of their skin or their religion or whatever. It's the same as if you made a comment about nuns because you'd been to a convent school & had a really crappy nun teaching you - it would mean you were anti-their religion, just that you associated nuns generally with negative thoughts because of your personal experience.
That doesn't mean you're unreasonable for expressing your dislike of her prejudice. But I don't think it's racism because it's based on a particular experience with a group of people (country) who just happen to be (presumably) a different colour. If the country involved was Scotland you wouldn't be saying she was racist.
I think you're daft steering clear of her because of one comment that you've discussed with her. If you did that with everyone who offends you you'd have no-one left to talk to.

She's shown you that she has racist or in her eyes prejudiced views, agree that's hardly better How could you possibly be unreasonable to be uncomfortable with that and want to steer clear? You don't have to raise it again if you don't want to but in your shoes I'd see this as a good opportunity to withdraw from the friendship and move it back to a civilised colleague relationship.

You've described her as often saying the wrong thing, "foot in mouth" and rubbing people up the wrong way. Translation in my experience: blunt, thoughtless, inconsiderate! I doubt she's well thought of at work and wouldn't want to be too closely associated with her in other people's minds. You have a very valid reason to take a giant step back.

It's up to her now to apologise to you, admit she was wrong and attempt to repair your friendship.

@ILostItInTheEarlyNineties, I think this it's this in part that is compounding the issue. When I pointed it out, she jumped to her own defence (it's not racist it's prejudice) without heeding that she was completely in the wrong. I fail to see why saying "you Nigerian xxxxx" is more acceptable than saying you "black xxxxx".

I think you're daft steering clear of her because of one comment that you've discussed with her. If you did that with everyone who offends you you'd have no-one left to talk to.

Did you miss the part where I said that this was said in front of my DD who is half that same heritage?

And I'm sorry but I don't hold the same views as your nun/convent analogy. I was brought up never to use blanket statements to judge people by or insult them with.

I fail to see why saying "you Nigerian xxxxx" is more acceptable than saying you "black xxxxx".
Because black is against every black person regardless of where they come from, Nigerian is specific to people OF ANY COLOUR who come from Nigeria & could be based on negative experiences in Nigeria generally.

You said your DD didn't hear because she had headphones on - that's the same effectively as her not being there.
And you don't have to have the same views as me. It's freedom of speech & being able to have different opinions. I didn't say her opinions were acceptable - I was pointing out that it wasn't racist, but prejudice.

Stop making excuses for her, LadyPW. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...

Next you'll be saying 'Paki' is just short for Pakistani

LadyP I think you're splitting hairs somewhat. Does it matter whether Op calls it racist, prejudiced, bigoted, xenophobic or whatever? The woman has demonstrated a negative attitude to someone based on their ethnicity/country of origin, whatever you want to call it. Something Ops child shares with the person being spoken about. I can't understand how anyone could suggest Op is daft to steer clear, talk about minimising!

It's hugely disappointing when you realise a friend holds opinions you find repulsive or unacceptable.

I think the fact that she hasn't apologised to you is perhaps the most hurtful part. She is now showing herself as inconsiderate, not even acknowledging your feelings.

I agree with Barry take a step back from the friendship.

Regardless of the precise type of prejudice, it is a totally inappropriate way to talk about a parent in your school.

Playing devils advocate here.

We all use descriptors in every walk of life.

Take something innocuous as being cut up in the car. There is a certain thought pattern eg the old fella in the morris minor, the fat cow in the fiesta, the ginger twat in the BMW, (so far we've used age, size, sex and colouring) - we all do it.

I may or may not use 'Nigerian' it would depend whether the person was conforming to a cultural/national stereotype.

Because black is against every black person regardless of where they come from, Nigerian is specific to people OF ANY COLOUR who come from Nigeria & could be based on negative experiences in Nigeria generally.

I understand the difference. I do not need you to spell them out for me. I did not argue with her when she said it was prejudice as opposed to racism. What I am saying is that one is not better than the other. It's less offensive to discriminate against an entire country than it is to discriminate against everyone with an entire skin colour? I'm afraid I can't get on board with that. Wrong is wrong.

IMHO it doesn't matter whether it;s a single nationality or a skin colour - it's still racist.

My great grandmother was interned by the Japanese in China during WW2 and wouldn't talk to/acknowledge a Japanese person's existence until the day she died. Though I know enough about her experience to understand why she felt that way, I still think that she was being racist.

If it was applied the other way (for example France banning all English tourists because some of them are football hooligans) I'm pretty confident we'd be accusing them of racism.

So in what context is it acceptable to call someone a 'Nigerian piece of shit', Still?

So in what context is it acceptable to call someone a 'Nigerian piece of shit', Still?

Well there isn't one is there? That one was just a good example of how some MNers come on here to disagree for the sake of disagreeing. There's nothing some people won't play devils advocate about.

What did you want from the thread? You've made your mind up to distance yourself from her.

So if she said/thought "you piece of shit" that would've been ok?

If she asks you what is wrong again tell her 'You are prejudiced against people based on their place of birth or residence, I can't get past that', she can carry on tiptoeing and you can carry on being professionally civil as opposed to a friend.

If your DD shares a heritage with the country your colleague is bad-mouthing then of course you don't want her around that attitude. It isn't racist but it is bigoted and bigotry is not something you want to try and explain to a five year old or have them think is even an option. They'll face it soon enough when they get older sadly.

If it was a pattern of racism I would withdraw. If its a one off I wouldn't ditch a friendship over it. Especially if they are on the younger side and perhaps haven't had the correct influences or been pulled up previously, you may be able to make a difference to her.

For the record I have NOT said that calling someone a piece of shit is acceptable, with or without the word Nigerian, black or anything else attached. Equally I have NOT said that being prejudiced is fine. I merely pointed out that I do not think it should be classed as racist as OP thinks, but as prejudiced as OP's colleague says.
Judging someone just because their skin is a particular colour is wrong. Judging someone because they remind you of someone that you had an issue with is still wrong but at least you can see where it stems from.

Especially if they are on the younger side and perhaps haven't had the correct influences or been pulled up previously, you may be able to make a difference to her.

@WeAllHaveWings Another reason I supposed I'm so disappointed by it. I have spent the whole time I've known her being patient, trying to educate, etc etc. I've tried to be understanding of her negative experience but I think this was the straw that broke the camels back for me.