To not really want to talk to her anymore?

[lotusbomb]

I made a friend when I started my new teaching job last year. We were both new members of a relatively small staff team which has a tendency to be quite cliquey. Said friend is aware of her own tendency to put her foot in her mouth, say the wrong thing etc etc. She's always valued our friendship as I'm always honest with her and tell her the truth.

She came to my home last week and were chatting about work, kids, etc and she mentioned one particular parent that has been difficult to deal with, he is from a country that she once lived/worked in and she had a bad experience there. She said "he looks at me like i'm a bug he's like to step on an in my head i'm just thinking 'go fuck yourself you [insert nationality here] piece of shit'". Obviously I shut her down immediately. I told her she cannot say things like that at, tar everyone with the same brush etc etc, basically tore a strop off her. I told her she was was being racist to which she retorted "it's not being racist, it's being prejudice" (so that makes it OK then ). I then reminded her that half of my daughters heritage is from that same place and DD (5) was within earshot but thankfully wearing headphones so didn't hear. Not that it matters at all, I don't want DD hearing hate about any group of people at all. She's not even fully aware of that part of her heritage really as her father is absent but I don't ever speak like that around her, we don't have a negative household in that respect.

Anyway, a week and a half has now passed and even though I addressed it as it happened, I can't seem to get past it. She is obviously aware as she has been kind of tip toeing around me, asking me if I'm ok but it is obvious that I've withdrawn from her.

I do feel i suppose extra disappointed as she's not hugely well liked amongst the team because she rubs people up the wrong way and I've always been more patient with her than the others. She was recently accused of being discriminatory by another parent which really upset her and in fairness, the accusation itself was baseless so it's ironic that she felt some comfortable to be discriminatory in front of me despite knowing how much I condemn that behavior.

Anyway, I haven't addressed it with her since. Partly because I addressed it at the time and don't see the need for me to be the one that brings it up again and partly just because I have a lot on my plate at the moment and I'm just trying to get through each day as stress free as possible at the moment. I supposed today I was just reflecting on how quickly hearing ugliness come out of somebodies mouth has made me uncomfortable and not particularly want to spend time with them anymore. AIBU?

Maybe she just needs you to educate her a bit more, OP.

The point I'm now at is that educating somebody on ignorance is one thing, but surely a grown woman doesn't need to have it spelled out that saying something like that is not ok?

YANBU but as a thought... We have a massive Turkish population in our town. It has the biggest population of Turkish immigrants in the whole country. So all of my friends are Turkish or married to Turkish men/women. They all have similar tendencies - buying watermelons for BBQs, eating masses of hummus, eating rice and kebab on Xmas day, asking everyone they meet for a discount for cash etc - everybody laughs about it. People often say to each other and laugh about it "you are such a Turk!" or "you are so English" It's never meant badly, it's just a comment on our differences (which we embrace and love btw). She is pointing out the negative differences but perhaps they do exist to some degree. It doesn't make it right but I think sometimes we can embrace cultural differences without it being offensive.

I mean embrace and comment on culture dofferneces.

But User there is a huge difference between saying "I felt like saying oh, that`s so Turkish of you" and "I felt like saying go fuck yourself, you Turkish piece of shit".

I know that but the tone of the thread is that to even acknowledge that there are similarities in people from the same country is racist/xenophobic etc. Everyone from turkey/Cyprus says "open the light". It's an almost uniform trait because there is no direct translation for "turn on". Is it racist to say so? Of course there are basic human and emotional similarities across people from all parts of the world, but individual places WILL have their own similarities. It is unreasonable to speak badly about anyone but I don't think it's unreasonable to use nationality as a basis for comparison.

It is unreasonable to speak badly about anyone based purely on their nationality I meant to say. In such a rush today

Wasn't her comment just about him though, and the adjective used solely to describe him? Rather than a derogatory comment about his whole race? Eg, if someone Scottish pisses me off and and I say "you Scottish piece of shit", I'm not suggesting that all Scottish people are pieces of shit - just that particular one (which is still a horrible thing to say, I know, but not racist, imo)

Surely the whole problem with racism is tarring everyone of a particular race with the same brush, which it doesn't sound like she was doing.

@WhitePhantom Which is why I mentioned that should used to live in that country and because she had a bad experience there, she feels that she's justified in talking like that about those people.

Like when I mentioned that I was reading Americanah and she got her wires crossed and thought it was a book she had read. When I described the author as a Nigerian woman she looked at me in disgust and said "now why the hell would I want to read that?", obviously referencing that she would never read a book by a Nigerian author.

@lotusbomb as has been pointed out already, it sounds like you have already made up your mind about distancing yourself from your friend, and no OP's interpretation on the situation is going to change it. That's your prerogative of course, but I don't know why you continue to justify and defend your judgement. As TheMysteriousJackelope suggested, just tell her that you've tried, but that you can't get past her remark. Don't be a coward and start being cool without an explanation. If your intention was to show her you found her earlier remark offensive, then you should own that decision.

Personally I agree with StillDrivingMeBonkers and WhitePhantom - everyone uses descriptors - whether its the way someone looks or their nationality. That doesn't make it right, but it isn't the end of the world and it certainly isn't worth all the angst you seem to be putting yourself through.

And I don't buy for one minute that you've never even thought of someone as, for example, "that fat cow", that "ginger twat" or even "that arrogant Belgian wanker" as I did when I heard a certain EU politician pontificating on the radio the other day.

OK, in that case maybe her comment was driven more by the guy's race than anything he actually did. And the author comment is definitely racist.

I wouldn't bother trying to educate someone like this any further - some people just want to remain ignorant

@read I am not defending anything, I'm discussing it with points that have been raised by posters, or is the new unwritten rule of AIBU that you post what is on your mind and don't respond to anybody that answers? It wasn't a case of having "made up my mind" it was a case of finding myself not wanting to talk to her anymore and realising that the reason why was that my feelings towards her changed.

As for your coward remark? Unnecessary. If I was a coward, I wouldn't have addressed it there and then and put her straight. I don't see how I've behaved cowardly at all.

And with regard to your last point? No. Would I call someone a wanker? Yes. Would I call someone a Belgian wanker? No. I just wasn't raised that way.

@white that's interesting because I didn't even think of the author comment as racist until I put it into context with this latest incident. The author comment I attributed to her bad experience etc etc. It was incredibly childish and at that point I also had to pull her up. Can't remember what my exact response was but something along the lines of "stop tarring everybody with the same brush/not everybody from there is bad/there's good and bad in every race etc etc". I remember being exhasperated in my tone and her apologising for it.

Why would you be unreasonable to uphold your own values? I mean you seem to be so sure of yourself?! Odd that you need to ask here

I don't understand why it's odd when the very nature of this topic is to garner opinions as to whether you're being unreasonable in a decision you've made?

Regardless, my reason for asking is because one minute we were friends and literally overnight it feels like I cannot engage in that friendship anymore. It happened very quickly for me so I've been mulling it over. I think a lot of people who make a decision to step back from a friendship question whether they're doing the right thing.

Your colleagues sounds unstable. Totally not on to talk tat way about anyone let alone a pupil.

I guess you two are TAs? I'd distance myself tbh.

@waterbeads No, we're both teachers. It was a parent she was talking about although there is little doubt in my mind that she would also refer to his son that way.

Even more inappropriate for a qualified teacher.

OP YANBU to distance yourself nobody needs people like this around. You say your dc is part from that culture which makes it worse. Your dc needs to see that you don't tolerate such views in your home.

I'm just sad that there are still people we leave our children with all day who think like this. Thankfully they've died down a lot, but sad there are still some in these positions.

@lotusbomb I was under the impression that in AIBU, you raise an issue that is up for discussion amongst those who may have an opinion different to yours. But whenever someone has voiced an opinion you don't agree with, you haven't taken the time to explore it, you jump into defensive mode. As you have done with me. There is no 'discussion' - unless you count complete agreement with everything you've said, as discussion. So yes, my opinion about being defensive still stands. It's also why I and others have said that you seem to have already made up your mind.

Your initial comment also stated, "Anyway, I haven't addressed it with her since." So you chose to address the issue here instead? It's been nearly a week since you wrote that and she still has no clarification from you (unless things have moved on since then). That's why I find it cowardly behaviour.

I don't see why you can't put her out of her misery and tell her that things have changed for you as you can't get over her remark. That is the crux of your dilemma, isn't it? Because everything else is trying to second guess her thinking or state of mind when she made the comment, and that is pointless. The only people who know for sure are her - or her therapist!

Oh, and I never said you would actually call someone a Belgian wanker - I said thought. So unless you practice some form of advanced mind control, I very much doubt that there's never been a time when you've thought something you wouldn't be happy to repeat out loud.