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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Could you cope with spending Christmas without your children?

57 replies

RainbowWalker · 13/03/2007 00:19

I handled what I thought was a tricky situation with great dignity today but ever since I've been screaming like mad on the inside!!!
Basically to cut a very long story shorter (but not by much) I separated from ex-dh 8 years ago, divorced, he remarried and now so am I remarried. All hunky dory. Children live with me and new dh. Always had a firm-but-fair arrangement surrounding Xmas and New Year that we have the children EITHER Christmas Day or New Years Eve one year and then switch the following year and he has them the opposite to us.
Whoever doesn?t spend xmas day with the children usually has xmas eve and boxing day as a kind of consolation prize but we make up for it as best we can.

My side of the family have always done xmas in a big way. Time together with my parents and siblings, big tree, lots of fun and games, grandchildren, aunts uncles, you know what I mean. Mainly mayhem and excitement and cooking and drinking and lots of laughs. My ex is an only child and his folks (parents + one grandmother) could never imho get into xmas over their house. Before the children came along it was always dull dull dull in comparison to what I'd been used to growing up. Since the children came along family-time at Christmas is even more precious than ever. That said, no word of a lie, the two times (2003 & 2005) I've not had my own children on the actual day I am an absolute nightmare to live with. I've always tried to be fair and reasonable and make sure they see their Dad, after all it?s not about me and how I feel, it?s about the children - however I've always gone well out of my way to ensre Christmases with us are memorable and somethig they'll look back on with fondness as they grow up.
Anyway my ex?s gran died last month. His parents have now come into a lot of money (or will do as soon as her house is sold) and on the phone today ex-MIL has basically told me they plan to blow some of the money on taking my ex, his new wife and the children to Lapland 23rd-27th December.
She said she couldn?t get any other dates ?!?
As she isn?t looking forward to Xmas without her Mum around she thought doing something so nice and being surrounded by the children would help her to cope better with Christmas day, Would I mind?

Would I mind???????? Would I mind?????????

I told her I?d rather she didn?t, which was VERY self-controlled of me compared to how I was really feeling on the inside (along the lines of having my heart wrenched out and scattered all over the room and a massive boulder put in it?s place).
I?m usually rubbish at saying NO in life generally and I'm sure it was only because of the heart/boulder thing I didn't agree to it, otherwise with suc little time to think I?d have probably said ?oh that?s fine!? or something equally submissive.

I now wish I'd been stronger with her though.
Without much time to think a response through it?s now been left that she?ll look into going other dates, near but not actually to take in Christmas Day. DH say he'd love for us 6 to go as a family to spite them, but we simply couldn?t afford it. Part of me thinks it?s a lovely opportunity for the children to do something so special without us having to pay.
But can't help thinking we'll pay for it in other ways, ie probably being reminded forevermore by the children that it was their ?best Christmas Ever? and having to live with the fact that, as their Mum I didn?t play any part in it apart from being the daft idiot who let the old battleaxe manipulate me into saying yes.

As a mother what would you have said?
Could you get through Christmas without your children?
Should I just be gracious and let them all go? I love my dh to bits but the thought of being on our own for so long at that time of year breaks my heart.
Please help!
Dh is away on business at the moment and I?m really in need of a cuddle!

OP posts:

fortyplus · 13/03/2007 00:32

Poor you!

No way... of course she can find other dates. She is feeling low and should have your sympathy for that, but she is expecting too much.

Perhaps she could take them just before Christmas? What a lovely treat that would be, and it would give you time to prepare in peace.

Don't feel guilty that you can't afford it yourselves - it will be a fabulous trip for them and a precious time for their Grandmother, too - it's often the grandparents who miss out the most when relationships beak down.

Let her take them - but not over Christmas Day.

Original poster

RainbowWalker · 13/03/2007 00:47

Thanks fortyplus I appreciate your reply... I do feel for her, of course I do, but you can't just steal someone else's family in order to make your own Christmas less painful.

I know she's at a low-point right now and may be numb to anyone else's feelings but her own, but it just seems like it's been carefully manipulated and I was the last to be consulted.

She WANTS to do a 4 night stay, but I've asked for the children not to be taken out of school so that rules out December weekends.

Schools break up on the 19th so even if they went on the 20th, they'd have to be away Xmas day.

Maybe I could compromise and let them miss the last few days of term???

Or do a swap and we have the children for Christmas and Ex et al go away for New Year. Wouldn't seem quite such a wrench I guess.

OP posts:

fortyplus · 13/03/2007 00:56

Probably a shame for them to miss all the fun at the end of term, though?

Christmas is a long time away. How about saying that 3 days is the limit, but that she can take them away for a few days at Easter or May half term? Then you're giving her something immediate that she hasn't asked for as a compromise for cutting back what she wants to do at Christmas.

DimpledThighs · 13/03/2007 03:11

i think it is unfair of her but people don't think sometimes and she has lost her mum. I think it should be clear that the rules are non-negoiable otherwise it gets out of hand.

One mumsnetter did the whole lapland thing and said it was rubbish!

Freckle · 13/03/2007 06:56

But she isn't stealing someone else's family, is she? Your children are her grandchildren and are her family.

I can understand how you feel though. I would go with letting the children miss the last few days at school. I know they do fun stuff at school in those days, but your children would be doing the whole Lapland thing which would more than compensate.

I think your ex-MIL is just feeling the loss of her mother and wants to keep her family close.

LoveMyGirls · 13/03/2007 07:29

I let my dd1 go away abroad for the first time with her grandparents. I was torn, i wanted to take her, see her first time on an areoplane etc etc but we can never afford it she will be at least 10 before we can afford to go abroad and she had such a lovely time and goes on and on about it but i don't feel bad i feel glad that i could let her go and enjoy herslef despite wishing it had been us that had taken her. She has lovely memories and it's brought her even closer to her g/parents.

However christmas is a different thing, i would say let them miss a few days of school it will be a great build up to christmas!

OrmIrian · 13/03/2007 08:04

"Without much time to think a response through it?s now been left that she?ll look into going other dates, near but not actually to take in Christmas Day"

Isn't that OK though? I thought the problem was that you didn't want to miss Xmas with them. If it eases her pain a little and the children will have a good time but you don't miss Christmas with them I would have thought it was fine.

BTW - to answer the original question, no I'd hate christmas away from my kids

SSShakeTheChi · 13/03/2007 08:16

They'd all love it, wouldn't they, if you and your new dp disappeared off to Lapland over Christmas with the dc and they weren't going to see them before New Year. Don't have any understanding at all for the MIL, assuming that would be alright with you. Of course it wouldn't be! Sheesh...

colditz · 13/03/2007 08:27

no, this would not be happening with my children. Absolutely not. Not unless she wants to pay for me too.

Tortington · 13/03/2007 08:33

you use words like "spite" which without more infomration leads me to think there is much more historyinvolved here than at face value. however from your story below - i DISAGREE! shock horror.

if my child had a chance to go somewhere - i could never afford - i would let them go.

my twins did spend one christmas with an aunt and uncle being spoiled in a way i couldnt possibly afford

which left me able to spoil my oldest.

HEIFER · 13/03/2007 08:52

Are they old enough to make their own minds up?

Imagine the fun they would have....

I agree with Custy, I hope I would put DD first on this one - I would have a crap Christmas without her - no doubt about that - but if I couldn't take her myself then I would let her go with someone else - even over Christmas..

I would probably make Christmas at home the week before or after... as long as you get to spend some quality time with them over the christmas period - does it really matter is its the week before or after?

kslatts · 13/03/2007 09:07

I think if my children had the chance to have the most amazing time at xmas (and it was something they wanted to do) then I would let them go.

trice · 13/03/2007 09:12

Are you really most concerned that they would have too much fun without you? I wouldn't want my dcs to spend christmas away from me but that is because they couldn't possibly have more fun than they already do.

We are going to Lapland too but we are going for three days before christmas so that we can spend christmas day with the family. They won't miss any school so it is possible.

trice · 13/03/2007 09:42

I didn't mean that to come out harshly. MILs are difficult and I bet ex MILs are extra difficult.

saffy202 · 13/03/2007 10:00

I think you said the right thing. She can look for other dates. Do you think the children would want to go? I know my two wouldn't want to go and miss Christmas Day even if it was to Lapland.

kittywaitsfornumber6 · 13/03/2007 10:04

I think you should speak to the children about it. What do they want to do? It's a fantasic opportunity for them.
It is not going to help you to make your decisions based on vague predictions about how the children will feel about this in x years' time.

As a mother I would want the children to have the best time they could and if that was in lapland without me then so be it. It does not mean I'm a failure, it does not mean that they will remember their best christmas as one spent without me. The chances are that they would grow to understand that I had selflessly allowed them to go and have a wonderful time even though I wanted to be with them.
I think you are reading too much into things. Try and look for positives in the situation instead of only looking at negatives, you'll be happier for it

Anna8888 · 13/03/2007 10:21

You have all my sympathies. Christmas is a really hard time for divorced families - we have nightmares... and my partner's JEWISH. But his parents still think they have an absolute right to see their only son and grandchildren every December 24 in the evening, which precludes my travelling to the UK to be with my own (Anglican) family on Christmas Day. As you can imagine, I fight this tooth and nail.

Molesworth · 13/03/2007 10:35

I have had the same arrangement as you re: xmas since I separated from my xh, and yes, xmases without the kids are horrible. In fact I spent last xmas with xh and the kids, which was a bit weird but it meant I could be with them (they're teenagers now).

However in your shoes I would agree to this - it's a wonderful opportunity for the children to do something really special that they may never have the chance to do again.

CarGirl · 13/03/2007 10:42

I am divorced and we juggle christmas etc etc. TBH I would let them go it will be a fantastic holiday and experience.

Christmas does not have to be about december 25th????????? You could save all the rest of their gifts and do Christmas day at your house when they are back?????

I too would ask the children how they felt.

You could go do something completely different - romantic Christmas away do grown up things etc.

It is only one year and you can then negotiate to have them Eve, Day and boxing day the following year?

mysonsmummy · 13/03/2007 11:56

will they be spending xmas day with their dad this year? do agree there does seem to be lots of history.

everyone spends their christmas day differently - my ds is an only child and we dont have lots of people around to share it with but believe me we have just as much fun as anyone else.

if ds had the chance to go to lapland with his dad and i couldnt afford to take him - then i would just be so happy for him - its most childrens dream. i hope i wouldnt feel that i wish i could take him first to spite them.

LieselVentouse · 13/03/2007 12:29

That op message is v. long so I admit I havent read it but under no circumstances would I spend Xmas away from my children

littleolwinedrinkerme · 13/03/2007 12:30

I'm am with RainbowWalker on this one - it would break my heart. MIL can look at other options eg. before Xmas and not Xmas day and she doesn't have to go for so long - I know people who have done it in 2 days.

kimi · 13/03/2007 12:44

But can't help thinking we'll pay for it in other ways, ie probably being reminded forevermore by the children that it was their ?best Christmas

Ever?DH say he'd love for us 6 to go as a family to spite them, but we simply couldn?t afford it.

How selfish, so you and your new H would take the children, and not worry about their father seeing them over Xmas,
They are his children too, and your Ex MIL is trying to do something nice.
As you and your first H have been apart 8 years, im guessing your children are not babies.
I think you are being very unreasonable.

kimi · 13/03/2007 12:46

Also why do all mothers think they and their feelings are more important then the fathers.
Dh1 and i made two new lives and even though we are separated WE raise the children, they spend as much time with Daddy as with Mommy

ChippyMinton · 13/03/2007 12:54

You will have waited two years to spend xmas with your DC, so i can understand why you are upset (and not only your turn, but your parents and siblings too). Take them out of school for a few days for lapland and insist they are back with you for xmas day. How old are your DC btw?

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