Could you cope with spending Christmas without your children?

[RainbowWalker]

I handled what I thought was a tricky situation with great dignity today but ever since I've been screaming like mad on the inside!!!
Basically to cut a very long story shorter (but not by much) I separated from ex-dh 8 years ago, divorced, he remarried and now so am I remarried. All hunky dory. Children live with me and new dh. Always had a firm-but-fair arrangement surrounding Xmas and New Year that we have the children EITHER Christmas Day or New Years Eve one year and then switch the following year and he has them the opposite to us.
Whoever doesn?t spend xmas day with the children usually has xmas eve and boxing day as a kind of consolation prize but we make up for it as best we can.

My side of the family have always done xmas in a big way. Time together with my parents and siblings, big tree, lots of fun and games, grandchildren, aunts uncles, you know what I mean. Mainly mayhem and excitement and cooking and drinking and lots of laughs. My ex is an only child and his folks (parents + one grandmother) could never imho get into xmas over their house. Before the children came along it was always dull dull dull in comparison to what I'd been used to growing up. Since the children came along family-time at Christmas is even more precious than ever. That said, no word of a lie, the two times (2003 & 2005) I've not had my own children on the actual day I am an absolute nightmare to live with. I've always tried to be fair and reasonable and make sure they see their Dad, after all it?s not about me and how I feel, it?s about the children - however I've always gone well out of my way to ensre Christmases with us are memorable and somethig they'll look back on with fondness as they grow up.
Anyway my ex?s gran died last month. His parents have now come into a lot of money (or will do as soon as her house is sold) and on the phone today ex-MIL has basically told me they plan to blow some of the money on taking my ex, his new wife and the children to Lapland 23rd-27th December.
She said she couldn?t get any other dates ?!?
As she isn?t looking forward to Xmas without her Mum around she thought doing something so nice and being surrounded by the children would help her to cope better with Christmas day, Would I mind?

Would I mind???????? Would I mind?????????

I told her I?d rather she didn?t, which was VERY self-controlled of me compared to how I was really feeling on the inside (along the lines of having my heart wrenched out and scattered all over the room and a massive boulder put in it?s place).
I?m usually rubbish at saying NO in life generally and I'm sure it was only because of the heart/boulder thing I didn't agree to it, otherwise with suc little time to think I?d have probably said ?oh that?s fine!? or something equally submissive.

I now wish I'd been stronger with her though.
Without much time to think a response through it?s now been left that she?ll look into going other dates, near but not actually to take in Christmas Day. DH say he'd love for us 6 to go as a family to spite them, but we simply couldn?t afford it. Part of me thinks it?s a lovely opportunity for the children to do something so special without us having to pay.
But can't help thinking we'll pay for it in other ways, ie probably being reminded forevermore by the children that it was their ?best Christmas Ever? and having to live with the fact that, as their Mum I didn?t play any part in it apart from being the daft idiot who let the old battleaxe manipulate me into saying yes.

As a mother what would you have said?
Could you get through Christmas without your children?
Should I just be gracious and let them all go? I love my dh to bits but the thought of being on our own for so long at that time of year breaks my heart.
Please help!
Dh is away on business at the moment and I?m really in need of a cuddle!

If there are lots of dates available then the MIL is clearly being manipulative/unreasonable/deliberate (delete as applicable!) in the dates she has chosen and the op has a right to feel the way she does...

Would be interesting to see when the MIL gets back in touch with the op whether she managed to find any other suitable dates in order to compromise...??

Been away from the pc all day and so this is the first chance I've had to look in again - can't believe everyone has had so much to say in my absence!

Thank you so much EVERYONE for your comments.

It's made really interesting reading all in one go. My heart has been racing at certain points, in my mouth at others and intensely warmed by many people's comments.

Whoever it was that said there must be more history than mentioned here was right.

Too much detail isn't a good thing, but interestingly when I saw my own Mum today and told her about this she said as a grandparent she'd never have the audacity to suggest such a thing.

Please don't misunderstand kimi, I AM completely happy about this wonderful opportunity for my children, but don't really feel it's unreasonable to ask for them to consider dates other than Christmas.

If the situation were reversed I still think enough of my ex's need to see his children at Christmas (and their need to see their Dad)to never even consider doing something along the same lines - I would not be so selfish, it was just a throwaway comment that my dh made in reaction to the news.
It has always been difficult for my dh to comprehend just how reasonable I always am to my ex and his family considering the circumstances.

I have a strong desire to do the right thing by everyone concerned, that was the reason I posted, I certainly didn't expect to be criticised for how I raise my children!

I've spoken to the children today and they've all said they love Christmas at home and that's always way better than being over there at Christmas(and in answer to someone's question) prior to 2003 my ex and I either spent Xmas day together for the sake of our kids or had half the day each.
Spending the day together with him was no longer an option when I also had a new partner to consider.

I'm sure the trip will happen and I really hope it does, but I think Christmas was maybe her no 1 preference and now I've said no she will go back and look at other dates.

Thanks for listening everyone, Mumsnet is brill, and if you're interested in hearing the outcome then I'll keep you posted...

That's a lovely reply rainbow walker

Thank you kitty!

And your comment earlier on was spot on and how I normally would think too - I always seek the positives in a situation rather than the negative. It was just a gut-reaction at a temporarily weak moment that I typed very late last night...

Something funny happened today which brought the whole thing into perspective... my children were all having a really sweet mini-conference together on the subject (I just listened to their views rather than talk).
My youngest's initial rection was, if they couldn't go at Christmas he didn't want to go at all and couldn't see the point of going. This confused everyone else and raised more questions ...then it suddenly dawned on us that he thinks the snow was only there for Christmas and that it's just back to grass and mud again the rest of the year. He didn't think toboganning on mud would be as good!

The only time in his 9yr old living memory he can recall snow he swears blind it was Xmas in fact it was in March!

So it looks like everyone's learned something from this little episode!

If they go before Christmas then they get two really fun occasions. An exciting trip, and then a great Christmas. Sounds a good solution, and missing a coupe of days school at that time of year isn't going to cause any great problems (unless any of them are really keen on having parts in the school play, I guess). My ex is planning on emigrating, but has suggested that the children always spend Christmas with me - I think that's just really odd, but I guess Christmas is more important to some people than others.

RainbowWalker great response. I hope it all works out for you. FWIW I agree with you 100% and I'd be exactly the same - I think you're handling the situation really well.

Let us know what happens.