Could you cope with spending Christmas without your children?

[RainbowWalker]

I handled what I thought was a tricky situation with great dignity today but ever since I've been screaming like mad on the inside!!!
Basically to cut a very long story shorter (but not by much) I separated from ex-dh 8 years ago, divorced, he remarried and now so am I remarried. All hunky dory. Children live with me and new dh. Always had a firm-but-fair arrangement surrounding Xmas and New Year that we have the children EITHER Christmas Day or New Years Eve one year and then switch the following year and he has them the opposite to us.
Whoever doesn?t spend xmas day with the children usually has xmas eve and boxing day as a kind of consolation prize but we make up for it as best we can.

My side of the family have always done xmas in a big way. Time together with my parents and siblings, big tree, lots of fun and games, grandchildren, aunts uncles, you know what I mean. Mainly mayhem and excitement and cooking and drinking and lots of laughs. My ex is an only child and his folks (parents + one grandmother) could never imho get into xmas over their house. Before the children came along it was always dull dull dull in comparison to what I'd been used to growing up. Since the children came along family-time at Christmas is even more precious than ever. That said, no word of a lie, the two times (2003 & 2005) I've not had my own children on the actual day I am an absolute nightmare to live with. I've always tried to be fair and reasonable and make sure they see their Dad, after all it?s not about me and how I feel, it?s about the children - however I've always gone well out of my way to ensre Christmases with us are memorable and somethig they'll look back on with fondness as they grow up.
Anyway my ex?s gran died last month. His parents have now come into a lot of money (or will do as soon as her house is sold) and on the phone today ex-MIL has basically told me they plan to blow some of the money on taking my ex, his new wife and the children to Lapland 23rd-27th December.
She said she couldn?t get any other dates ?!?
As she isn?t looking forward to Xmas without her Mum around she thought doing something so nice and being surrounded by the children would help her to cope better with Christmas day, Would I mind?

Would I mind???????? Would I mind?????????

I told her I?d rather she didn?t, which was VERY self-controlled of me compared to how I was really feeling on the inside (along the lines of having my heart wrenched out and scattered all over the room and a massive boulder put in it?s place).
I?m usually rubbish at saying NO in life generally and I'm sure it was only because of the heart/boulder thing I didn't agree to it, otherwise with suc little time to think I?d have probably said ?oh that?s fine!? or something equally submissive.

I now wish I'd been stronger with her though.
Without much time to think a response through it?s now been left that she?ll look into going other dates, near but not actually to take in Christmas Day. DH say he'd love for us 6 to go as a family to spite them, but we simply couldn?t afford it. Part of me thinks it?s a lovely opportunity for the children to do something so special without us having to pay.
But can't help thinking we'll pay for it in other ways, ie probably being reminded forevermore by the children that it was their ?best Christmas Ever? and having to live with the fact that, as their Mum I didn?t play any part in it apart from being the daft idiot who let the old battleaxe manipulate me into saying yes.

As a mother what would you have said?
Could you get through Christmas without your children?
Should I just be gracious and let them all go? I love my dh to bits but the thought of being on our own for so long at that time of year breaks my heart.
Please help!
Dh is away on business at the moment and I?m really in need of a cuddle!

Sorry, just looked at your profile - old enough to have an opinion

Um, now I've never tried to book it, but are you telling me that at the beginning of March, there are no other dates for Lapland available in December other than what must be the most popular weekend to book?

I think I'd call myself and look at say two weekends before. I'm sorry, she is scamming you... (or I'm naive and don't know anything about booking lapland tickets, which is a distinct possibility)

And another thing, I bet they REALLY hate global warming in lapland.

And, to answer the original question I would most certainly not allow my kids to spend Christmas without me. If she really wanted to go to lapland, fine, but she'd be buying a ticket and a hotel room for me and my new DH as well. Alternatively, if she really is lonely and wanted to spend Christmas with the grandkids, fine, I'd invite her over to my house in the spirit of the Day. After all it is Christmas and everyone should feel included somewhere.

We spent a week in lapland in December and had to book it in January.

I agree with the op - your are definitely NOT being unreasonable.

Of course you'd love your children to go to lapland, of course you want them to spend time with you and their father over christmas.

But to suggest they take your children for 5 days right across christmas!!!!

I don't agree that you can have 'christmas' on another day, it's never ever the same, and I've tried it.

It's a wonderful offer, but also selfish beyond words.

Your MIL matters, their father matters, but YOU matter just as much!

I think you've done the right thing in suggesting looking into other dates, perhaps cut down the time a little, and perhaps let them miss a bit of school if you need to.

No way I'd ever be apart from my children at Christmas

By Ithink on Tue 13-Mar-07 13:06:48
One day GOD WILLING our children will grow and lead their own lives, this means we have done our job well.
They will not be at our table every Christmas/Birthday/Easter, etc. They will have partners that maybe we will not be best pleased with, They will get married, their other half will come first, we will be mother in laws, they will have children that as grandparents we will want to dote on.
Sometimes we will feel pushed out i am sure, feel the other grandparents get a better deal, feel the partners mean more (as they should) then us.
At some point we have to let go and let them be free, that is the greastest gift we can give them.
Maybe this is why we all sit and bitch about mothers in law now, about how our other half's get on with their parents, why the ones divorced are so hard pressed to let the children go spend time with the Ex and the Exs family.
Remember one day we will be the ones being posted about.
Also why do so many women thing tht mum is first dad is second and mums parents are more important then dads?
I think a lot of people are in for a VERY rude awakening.

I think ITHINK has been to the school of Xenia Bluntery.

Children growing up and leaving home can't be compared with precious time at christmas when they're young.

Both families matter and in the op, the MIL's offer ignores the children's own mother.

As long as the children are happy of course that's the main thing.

But I don't think any of us mums had children so that we could send them off at christmas time!

No reason why they can't have a fabulous time in lapland (on different dates!) and still be around to celebrate some of christmas with their mum

it would be lovely for your children

it might be their best Christmas ever

equally it might not

it's not about what you want

DH1 Spent xmas here so the boys had both parents with them, although i guess there will be a christmas that DH1 might want to take the boys somewhere.
I will miss them but they are his sons too.

I'd take the children out of school a couple of days early.

I'm guessing you don't have a fantastic relationship with your Ex & his Parents?...Would it be a real strain to all spend one day together for the sake of the children?

Those of you who say "under no circumstances would I spend Christmas apart from my children" - what if you separate from their father? What if the split is acrimonious?

Would you not allow the father to spend Christmas with his children? Would you invite him to join you instead?

I guess I would expect to have them either on Christmas or on Christmas Eve -- not away for both. I would, however, let them miss school.

Your children are old enough to decide for themselves if they want to go, have you ask them if they would like to go?

I really don't think they will thank them for missing a trip of a life time.
I have seen my children's faces when they met Santa and as they learnt to ski and they loved it.
I have thought how i would have felt if they had of had the same holiday but with out me seeing any of it.
Yes i would have been sad that i missed seeing them so happy, but i would not have wanted them to miss out on that happiness.

The op doesn't want them to miss it though - she just wants it not to be across christmas eve, christmas day and boxing day.

Why can't they go a different time and everyone's happy?

That's not unreasonable surely?

By mylittlestar on Tue 13-Mar-07 13:30:53
Children growing up and leaving home can't be compared with precious time at christmas when they're young.

Yes i agree, but it is precious time for BOTH parents and All the grandparents.
OP mil has offered to do something really nice, something the OP has admitted they can not afford to do themself, I know it will be hard, the first time my DC went on holiday with their dad and not me, i sobbed for an hour, and not just because i was going to miss them but because it was the first time i was not going on the family holiday.
But they had a great time, as they did when they went on holiday with me and new DP. When one family becomes two then things change and sometimes we have to do what is best for the children not what makes us feel better.

I have been divorced for 6 years now and have re married, had a similar situation about 3 years ago, when my ex husband decided to take the girls away for Xmas. I wasn't happy, but as many people have said here, thought about what the kids wanted and went with it for their sake. It wasn't the best Xmas i ever had, but i got through it and most importantly the kids had a great time.

Why don't you and DH go out for Xmas dinner and enjoy being looked after, and then do a big xmas for the kids when they get back at New Year. The other side of the coin is that now your ex has decided to do this, it leaves the door open for you to take the kids away another xmas (not necessarily the following year, but just at some stage in the future). We are doing that this year taking the kids to see my friend in LA, which has been made possible because of what ex husb did 3 years ago! Its not a case of scoring points, but you sometimes need to take a long term view!

Hope you come to terms with it all by the end of the year.

kimi I do agree with you

I dread to think how I would cope in these sorts of situations as it must be so so difficult.

Think I just feel angry for the op as I know how hard I would find it. If it was me, I'd want my MIL to know how much the offer is appreciated, especially if it's something I couldn't afford myself, but I would hope that she could alter the timings slightly so that the children weren't away right over christmas...

I miss my ds after an hour apart though, and I adore christmas (too much in fact!), so I know I'm not rational in this sort of thing!!

Where is the op by the way...?

Good point, where is the OP?
And as she posted this at 7.19 am
By RainbowWalker on Tue 13-Mar-07 00:19:31
then her MIL must phone bloody early in the day.

This must be really hard for you, RW. If dh's x phoned and asked if she could do something like this and it meant dh didn't see her over Christmas, he'd let dsd go with his blessing (and some pocket money to spend). No way would he stop his dd having such a lovely opportunity.

As a mother in that position, I would miss dd like mad, probably be jealous that I wasn't with her, but I wouldn't want her to miss out. I'd make sure that we had our own Christmas Day that was every bit as special as it is on other years, just not on 25th December.

If you've been divorced for 8 years and you've only missed 2 Christmas Days in 2003 and 2005, does that mean that he has missed 6? Doesn't seem very equitable to me. And presumably you had them in 2006, so this is his year to have them on Christmas Day.

And the problem with asking the children themselves is that they may well be completely torn between wanting to say they'd like to go and wanting to say they don't want to go so their mum isn't upset.

Why don't you put yourself in their shoes and consider how you would feel if the situation was reversed and he was saying he'd rather you and your dh didn't take them away as it was his turn to see them on Christmas Day.

I was thinking similar thoughts about asking the kids - not that they shouldn't be consulted, but they might feel they're damned if they do and damned if they don't unless you make sure they know that it's ok with you if they choose to go.

What's the problem, the nice ex-MIL asked if it would be ok, the OP said, not really, and the MIL has gone to organise other dates.
She isn't 'stealing someone else's family' those children ARE her family.
Are any of your children boys Rainbow Walker? If they have children how would you feel if their partners did not regard you as part of your son and your grandchildren's family? If when you wanted to see your own grandchildren you were accused of 'stealing someone else's family'?
I'd feel pretty sick about it.
Yes, it is hard not to see your children around Christmas, but your MIL listened to you and is now rearranging things so that doesn't happen.

Haven't read the whole thread, but in view of the fact that you have an amicable arrangement with your x, and this doesn't seem to be a manipulative offer at all, I would let the children go.

I think people can be terribly precious about things like Christmas, birthdays etc. Yes they're nice to celebrate, but they shouldn't be set up as hoops to jump through or barriers to enjoyment, good relationships, etc.

Also I don't really understand the problem. Your mil asked you, you said no, what's the problem? You've said no.

I wouldn't automatically assume your MIL is being manipulative either. Her mother has just died. She is grieving. She's trying to find ways of making the first Christmas that her mother is dead, happy.

You can interpret that as emotional blackmail if you want. Or you can interpret it as her trying to explain why she's making such a big request. It's up to you how you want to interpret it.

as their Mum I didn?t play any part in it apart from being the daft idiot who let the old battleaxe manipulate me into saying yes.
you really need to get yourself some help.
Tell me if it had been YOUR mum who ask would you have been so childish and nasty and dame right out of line about it, i pity your children i really do.

www.laplandexperience.com/html/delightful_availability.html I have too much time on my hands... Did quick google on lapland and holiday, lots of sites came up but this was the first. Looks like there are lots of dates available - think you do need to compromise and let the kids miss a couple of days of school. Have to say that not that much learning takes place in the last week of Xmas term and that's speaking as a teacher...