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AIBU?

Please tell me I'm not

100 replies

Jellymuffin · 30/04/2017 19:30

I've spent my life being conditioned by my mother to think I am constantly unreasonable and I can't take it any more! The constant digs and off hand comments about my life, my friends and how I raise my child. The current thing is that she's unhappy that I'm having a party for my 5 year old instead of having a family dinner with her. She's been invited to the party (that is the weekend after) but wanted to make him a cake for his actual birthday (I asked he not to as I plan on putting a lot of effort into his birthday cake) I'm taking him round after school on his actual birthday to see her (last year she had him the day before his birthday and made him a cake with candles to get it in before I could) She's now declared she's not coming on the party day as it will be all parents (who I don't know either) and accused me of ringing because I feel guilty about how I've treated her! She has said in a very PA way that we do things our own way so she's not getting involved (my husband is not him until after 6 so any family thing as she has planned would be without him). Sorry it's such a huge post but as I now have friends who are normal (found this hard for a long time as such low self esteem) I realise she's NOT normal and though when she is nice she is very nice I just don't like her anymore .

OP posts:

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Jellymuffin · 30/04/2017 20:53

I really have had some wonderful advice. I feel stronger than I have in a long long time.

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CoolCarrie · 30/04/2017 20:56

It definitely isn't you OP, it's your mum, stop trying to please her and please yourself and your family instead
. I know how you feel and it is difficult to make a stand with manipulating family members especially mothers, but don't let her guilt trip you any more. It's good that your DH is being supportive, and with mn behind you it will get better, honestly

quarterpast · 30/04/2017 20:56

Yes she will have said nasty things to you in the past to watch your pain as this feeds her Narc personality. Other people struggling makes them feel good about themselves. Do you notice that a lot of her subjects of conversation are quite dark and/or inappropriate?

Tapandgo · 30/04/2017 20:58

Cherish your new found strength to stand up for what you want and think is right for you and your family.
Sadly mothers like this exist. I know of a grandparent who did not want her son to have a second child (the gran only had one child herself) and never ever spoke to the second child after he was born, never bought the child gifts of acknowledged them in any way. Seriously odd controlling behaviour.
You need to live your life your way. She has had her chance with her own life. It's your turn now.
Good luck 💐

Jellymuffin · 30/04/2017 21:03

She has so much hate - people of different races doing well and living in big houses makes her rage, her own best friend having a nice life and being cheerful annoys her! My dad has no contact really with his sons from a previous marriage as they are really successful and she can't stand them talking about it (surely that's what you do when you see your parents, tell them your achievements?) she doesn't like one of my brothers either as he is doing well for himself, the other who is a complete waste of space gets all her time and energy (despite being in his 50s) depression is used as an excuse for her more unreasonable behaviour. When I tried to open up to her about having PND and how hard I was finding things she retorted that when my husband had shouted at her over the phone (can't even remember what I'd done wrong that time but he'd had enough of her making me cry) that she had tried to kill herself - always having a harder time than everyone else.

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quarterpast · 30/04/2017 21:07

Seriously OP she is textbook. Have a read of the website 'Daughter's of Narcissistic Mothers' it's a bloody eye opener.

NameChange10001 · 30/04/2017 21:08

You are definitely better off without her. I recommend reading : Toxic Parents; Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
by Susan Forward.
Is it worth asking the GP to refer you for some counselling and/or some assertiveness sessions?

Jellymuffin · 30/04/2017 21:12

Thanks quarterpast, I will do, I just wish I could stop feeling like such a bad person. My mum's sister stopped talking to my nan and mum and my mum and Nan had a very weird relationship too. Now she's dead my mum is acting like they were best friends but the way she spoke to my mum when she thought no one was there was evil. My mum is a bit more obtuse.

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quarterpast · 30/04/2017 21:15

You are not a bad person. You are a victim of emotional abuse. It has never been your fault, it's 100% her.

VerySadInside · 30/04/2017 21:19

Why do you have this woman in your life? If she wasn't your mother there's no way you'd put up with the abuse. It doesn't sound like there is any reason to keep in contact with her. Does she improve your life in any way?

MotherofUnicorns · 30/04/2017 21:21

Oh wow this sounds like my mum!!
I live too far away to get it on a daily basis but my sister is close by and has very similar issues to you. My mum looks after her kids once a week and always brings it up like its a huge hassle but then gets mega offended if anyone else looks after them.
She constantly snipes and tells me my house is dirty / messy i can't discipline my children.
Totally controlling over all her family including her siblings. SUCH hard work. Me and my sister think it must be exhausting being her.
My DH thinks we pander to her too much and need to stand up to her. I hav had HUGE rows with her in the past and i think that has made her realise that i would actually walk away if she takes it too far.
I really feel for you.
Stop telling her what you want to buy your son, just keep it to yourself or even give her red herrings......
With the cake i really think you need to make a serious stand - YOU are making a cake for YOUR sons birthday and noone else has the right to do that.
I had the same issues with the first haircut - i remember almost crying down the phone to my mum telling her not to cut my 9month olds hair for the first time when she looked after her one day!
You don't get these moments back, she has already had her children, it is your turn now.
Be strong!!

Jellymuffin · 30/04/2017 21:25

Oh my goodness motherofunicorns! I think we may be the same person! The only difference is I've NEVER actually argued with her. Im too much of a coward so well done you! I'm reading the daughters of narcissistic mothers pager and crying a bit - it's all very close to home.

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ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 30/04/2017 21:30

Not sure if it'd been said, but stop telling her stuff! Your post said you told her what you were getting ds as present from baby, so she bought it. You told her what you are buying ds for birthday,so she bought it. Either lie and tell her something hirrible / mega expensive or tell her you haven't decided yet! Just divert the conversation! "What are you buying dgc for Christmas?" "Not sure yet, what shall I get dad/how's your lunch/ooh what's that (followed by swift exit!)"

DistanceCall · 30/04/2017 21:35

I think you should talk to a therapist, Jelly. Your mother is borderline abusive.

No, you are not being remotely unreasonable. And your husband has been right all along. It's hard to see when you are sunk in it - so please talk to someone.

Elphaba99 · 30/04/2017 21:37

Jellymuffin another really useful resource is Dr Karyl Mcbride's website and her book - "Why was I never good enough"

Elphaba99 · 30/04/2017 21:38

Oops, my bad "Will I ever be good enough" is the actual title.

RandomMess · 30/04/2017 21:56

I thought Narc but didn't post that, then you wrote more and more and yes she does sound like a classic.

be kind to yourself and get some therapy asap.

sparkleandsunshine · 30/04/2017 21:57

My mum has chilled a lot in the last couple of years but she still has the odd snit, if my house isn't perfect she is disgusted, always telling me I was so much prettier when I was thinner etc.
Lucky for me my DD has just been born and shes being lovely because she wants to be welcome for visits!

Siwdmae · 30/04/2017 22:10

What Zigzag says, just don't tell her anything, then she can't rush out and do/buy things first. Is ds her first gc? Hopefully you will not be allowing her to do childcare for the baby or your ds anymore? She sounds like she'll drip poison into their ears.

I can't believe she demanded your dh pick up her friends! Just don't answer the phone to her and if she persists, tell her to do one. Believe me, it gets easier (daughter of narc mother)

Jellymuffin · 01/05/2017 06:21

She's posting passive aggressive memes on Facebook now about looking up from your phone and spending time with your parents before they die. I felt strong last night, not so strong this morning .

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Sylvannas · 01/05/2017 06:40

Ignore them. After the way she treats you. You owe her nothing!

I find it sad when people do that. Why can't just tell you what's on their mind instead of using passive aggressive memes on Facebook for goodness sake.

Next time you see her use your phone alot.

Arsenicinthesugarbowl · 01/05/2017 06:55

Oh jelly I've been where you are now. The Facebook posts that used to make me stressed and anxious I can now ignore and not give them space in my head. The out of the fog website is a great resource for opening your eyes to what's really going on but also giving you skills to deal with it. Be warned she will ramp up her tactics for a while if she senses you are disengaging but it's worth it! Took me a couple of years but I'm in the best place I've ever been. Disentangled my children too and we are a happier house for it! The anxiety is totally gone and it used to be my overwhelming.

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Lndnmummy · 01/05/2017 07:02

She sounds exactly like my mother who amongst other things:

Made me change the name I had given my newborn baby

When we went on a joint holiday (wtf was i thinking) she refused ds access to food that he wasnt allergic too. She had also promised to cover our expenses (as i hd no money at that point) and once on the trip she refused this. The relief when i got to the airport on my way home (with mumsnet cheering on) I cried with relief.

My wakeup call came when my then 3 yr old asked her why "you hate my mummy?". It was heartbreaking to see the confusion in his face. We are very very low contact these days and much happier as a result. Keep posting. It will help you get some clarity.

Hve you heard about FOG? (Fear obsession and guilt) google it. It will make sense to you.

Jellymuffin · 01/05/2017 07:16

She has my son one day a week (the only day she decides to visit a friend in the evening so I have to rush home) but there are no places at my son's school for that extra day. It's the rest of the summer term - he starts reception while I'm on maternity - I'm really worried about him being there now. She's started meeting up with my waster brother that one day too (you'd think she'd want that time just them) which I really disapprove of as he has serious issues I don't want my child subject to. She never volunteers to have him any other time anyway - we can go through the whole 6 week holiday without seeing her and then she makes a big fuss about missing him . My husband has already warned me she will drop DS when she's not having him regulalrly. He's not her first grandchild but I'm the only daughter.

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HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 01/05/2017 07:32

Jelly she sounds like a nightmare.

Would a childminder be an option for the one day a week?

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