Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4

AIBU?

Please tell me I'm not

100 replies

Jellymuffin · 30/04/2017 19:30

I've spent my life being conditioned by my mother to think I am constantly unreasonable and I can't take it any more! The constant digs and off hand comments about my life, my friends and how I raise my child. The current thing is that she's unhappy that I'm having a party for my 5 year old instead of having a family dinner with her. She's been invited to the party (that is the weekend after) but wanted to make him a cake for his actual birthday (I asked he not to as I plan on putting a lot of effort into his birthday cake) I'm taking him round after school on his actual birthday to see her (last year she had him the day before his birthday and made him a cake with candles to get it in before I could) She's now declared she's not coming on the party day as it will be all parents (who I don't know either) and accused me of ringing because I feel guilty about how I've treated her! She has said in a very PA way that we do things our own way so she's not getting involved (my husband is not him until after 6 so any family thing as she has planned would be without him). Sorry it's such a huge post but as I now have friends who are normal (found this hard for a long time as such low self esteem) I realise she's NOT normal and though when she is nice she is very nice I just don't like her anymore .

OP posts:

Report

Elphaba99 · 30/04/2017 20:19

Death by a thousand cuts, Jellymuffin

What happens if people disagree with her? Does she have a history of epic sulking/discarding them?

Sylvannas · 30/04/2017 20:20

Tell your mum you are buying him something else. Then get him what you were actually going to get him.
Best bet is don't tell her when you are doing these things. Don't tell her about the cake, make out you did the cake thing already. Or just don't volunteer any information about it.

As for the party if she comes then she comes. If she doesn't then she's missed out. Don't entertain anything to the contrary.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 30/04/2017 20:20

Bloody hell, I can't believe that was a year ago!? Where does the time go?....

You need to detach. Stop telling her stuff, stop pandering to her, stop allowing her to undermine you.

She's batshit crazy, don't feed it.

PLEASE tell me she yes NOT going to provide childcare for either of them again?

quarterpast · 30/04/2017 20:21

Your mother sounds like a narcissistic pain in the arse OP. The ruining of special occasions is a classic trait. The only way is to avoid her completely over your sons birthday. Give her an afternoon a few days after the actual day. Don't compromise, don't feel guilty. I can guarantee your mother feels absolutely no guilt for treating you like shit and hurting you so don't give her the luxury of feeling bad about saying a firm no to her. Look after yourself 💐

BarryKwipkee · 30/04/2017 20:21

blimey, it's really hard to understand what you're supposed to have done there! She's basically upset because you won't be guilted in to doing exactly and precisely what she'd like you to do!!

I've no doubt that she genuinely feels ''injured''. She does not UNDERSTAND that this was your decision!

Wolfiefan · 30/04/2017 20:22

The present thing is not nice at all and the comment about how many children you should have?
I think you need to disentangle your life from hers. Don't tell her what gifts you will get. Control what time you spend with her.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 30/04/2017 20:24

You need to start putting your own feelings first op.
Stop enabling her to behave like this. .
Let your dh start saying no to her if it takes the pressure off you. .
Your dc your way. . She didn't raise your dc. She was paid child care.
She can have a bond as a visiting gp like most do!!
Don't be bullied into sacrificing your dc up to her!!

Goldfishjane · 30/04/2017 20:24

OP
Did she give a him an unplanned party and cake in advance last year?
If that was you, seriously, go NC even if just a few months to give you head space.

Jellymuffin · 30/04/2017 20:26

Oh goodness! The sulking! And she gets my dad to wade him and tell me how awful I am. When I was 7 months pregnant with DS she called at 12.30 at night to tell my husband to pick up her friends from her house on the other side of town and drive them home so they didn't need to get a taxi! He doesn't even know them! Because I was worried about her reaction he went (her friends tried to slip him £5, he was mortified) when she called pissed out of her head 30 minutes later to apologise and I said 'yes, it was a bit off' she and my dad started shouting down the phone at me. She didn't speak to me for a week. My husband was done then with them and tolerates them only.

OP posts:

AnnieAnoniMouse · 30/04/2017 20:26

Your DH must be a Saint, I'd have buried her under the patio long ago.

Just in case you need to hear it again, do not get in touch with her. She can make the first move & call her out on any guilt tripping shite. Just carry on with your plans for the party, she turns up or she doesn't. Whatever.

Do something NICE with DS after school on his birthday - a friend to come home for afternoon tea & to play for a bit before Daddy comes home & you have his favourite tea?

CurlsandCurves · 30/04/2017 20:26

You have my sympathies, she sounds like seriously hard work.

Take the pressure off yourself. If she wants to make a cake, let her. You've invited her to the party, if she wants to come great, if not, no problem. That's when his birthday is being celebrated, end of.

Jellymuffin · 30/04/2017 20:29

This is like therapy! She did a cake without telling me, wasn't a party. I just did a family breakfast thing the last 3 years (even though she only stayed for 30 minutes despite me asking her to stay) but he's started to be invited to parties and asked for one himself.

OP posts:

Jellymuffin · 30/04/2017 20:30

She KNOWS I'm making a cake, I'm quite arty and always make him a cake to the best of my abilities. She just wants to make the FIRST cake.

OP posts:

penny4321boom · 30/04/2017 20:35

Oh wow Jellymuffin she is very unreasonable and it must put an awful strain on you.

Jellymuffin · 30/04/2017 20:39

When she's nice, she can be the loveliest person but it kind of makes it worse IYSWIM. that's why I've always thought it was me.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 30/04/2017 20:40

Please, please, please but some boundaries in place asap - she is emotionally abusive towards you and she will start on your DC, in fact she already has!!!

GabsAlot · 30/04/2017 20:42

sorry i think u should go nc

why wold u want your dc being posioned by this woman as they grow up

draggin your dh to fery he friends home then shouting at u for saying it wa a bit much?

telling u she wont love your other child? think how they will feel as she prefers on over another

Chamonix1 · 30/04/2017 20:42

Sorry read this and thought
-Narc

go limited/ no contact.

Then smirked about how predictable my response is
Mumsnet original and all that but she sounds a total nightmare what positives does she actually bring to your life?

diddl · 30/04/2017 20:44

She sounds awful.

I'd tell her nothing & see her as little as possible-or not at all!

Chamonix1 · 30/04/2017 20:45

"When she's nice, she can be the loveliest person but it kind of makes it worse IYSWIM."
Narcissists need to do this, it's what draws you back in and makes you wonder if you're unreasonable to be so hurt/angry with them. They need unseating traits in order to control you and get away with their shitty behaviour. It's all part of the package unfortunately.

Chamonix1 · 30/04/2017 20:46

Endearing traits *

Jellymuffin · 30/04/2017 20:48

She's very good and supportive in a crisis but in starting to realise it's because she likes drama and people being miserable around her - she HATES it when people do well as she thinks she has an awful life (she doesn't) even her own children. She loves a lame duck as it makes her feel better about herself. This is a recent epiphany too.

OP posts:

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Chamonix1 · 30/04/2017 20:50

Crisis is an opportunity to be important and needed, feeds the narcissists ego and gives them something to use against you in the future
"Don't you remember when I did this for you"
Hits you over the head with such favours over and over again next time you go against them in any way shape or form.

BadTasteFlump · 30/04/2017 20:50

Jelly I know that 'narc' is a bit of a buzzword on here but your M really does sound like one - your opening sentence I've spent my life being conditioned by my mother to think I am constantly unreasonable started the alarm bells ringing for me.

You've had some really good advice so far - imo the most important being getting some boundaries set in your head. I also have a narc mother and my boundaries were non-existant until recently but deciding what I will and won't allow in my life is really helping me 'take the power back'.

I've also found the 'Stately homes' thread in Relationships really helpful - there seems to be plenty of narc mothers around, unfortunately...

Funnyonion17 · 30/04/2017 20:52

I read a post on here about narcasistic personality disorder earlier this week, she sounds like she fits the description perfectly!

Flip

1 2 3 4

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.