Please tell me I'm not

[Jellymuffin]

I've spent my life being conditioned by my mother to think I am constantly unreasonable and I can't take it any more! The constant digs and off hand comments about my life, my friends and how I raise my child. The current thing is that she's unhappy that I'm having a party for my 5 year old instead of having a family dinner with her. She's been invited to the party (that is the weekend after) but wanted to make him a cake for his actual birthday (I asked he not to as I plan on putting a lot of effort into his birthday cake) I'm taking him round after school on his actual birthday to see her (last year she had him the day before his birthday and made him a cake with candles to get it in before I could) She's now declared she's not coming on the party day as it will be all parents (who I don't know either) and accused me of ringing because I feel guilty about how I've treated her! She has said in a very PA way that we do things our own way so she's not getting involved (my husband is not him until after 6 so any family thing as she has planned would be without him). Sorry it's such a huge post but as I now have friends who are normal (found this hard for a long time as such low self esteem) I realise she's NOT normal and though when she is nice she is very nice I just don't like her anymore .

[Notsoslimshady]

First things first, hide her on facebook so her shite doesn't pop up on your timeline. What you can't see can't hurt you.

Next - start looking for alternative childcare. I know you're struggling with that one, but it's in your childs best interests.

There are some brilliant online resources. Out of the fog is a great forum for anyone dealing with people with personality disorders.

I know it's hard, but the sooner you find the resiliance and courage to stand up to her, the easier your life will be. It may get harder initially, but in the ling term, it will get easier.

[AngelThursday]

My mother was like like this. Nothing I did was ever enough. Eventually I stopped trying to please her and did my own thing. The relationship got no worse!
You might find this website helpful, I did. Stay strong http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

[MrsBobDylan]

Op I have the same with my mum and have come to accept she will never change. It's so easy to say 'just tell her to jog on' etc but when you've experienced a lifetime of emotional blackmail and being made to feel like someone else's needs/opinions are all that matters, it's nigh on impossible.

Also, people like your mum don't have that internal voice that questions 'has I been fair, am I upsetting dd?' because they just want to get their own needs meet and everyone else is just a way to achieve that.

I would try to separate as much as you can from her while playing the game in a way that impacts as little on your life as you can. It's really hard tho.

[snapcrap]

Agree with MrsBob and others.

About 15 years ago I decided to keep my mum at arm's lengths, see her on my terms, not respond to her awful texts and drunken emails.

It's been better since then but I slip back sometimes and feel that awful stomach churning uncertainty that it's me who's a bad person and in the wrong.

It's very hard. Keep posting. Oh and you seem like a perfectly reasonable, nice and kind person to me

[Jellymuffin]

I feel like I'm resposible for her happiness. I booked tickets to take her to see a show but was involved in a car accident just after so couldn't drive. My dad had to drop me off at work as my car was written off and told me she didn't want to go and had worried about driving there all night even though she's a very competent driver and prides herself on this. She did go in the end and said my dad had made it all up . I was hurt though, I'd made her dinner and got a cake and the tickets cost me a fortune (I had to take the cake into work with me as she didn't want to take it home with her ) I really didn't want to go to the theatre with her, I just hate to think of her unhappy - that backfired though.

[Jellymuffin]

I'm sorry I keep posting things - I just need someone else to tell me I'm not unreasonable, because I feel like I am . This is a massive turning point for me. I've had so much good advice and support I really feel I can make some positive changes.

[aaaaargghhhhelpme]

Oh jelly. You have to disengage a little. Maybe a lot.

I don't have experience of narcs so hopefully the other posters can advise more. But you're not responsible for her happiness.

It makes me so sad to see you getting upset over her pa memes on Facebook. Step away. Don't follow her (so she's not blocked but you're not bothered by any of this)

She's bound to ramp it up when she realises you might have twigged this isn't right. Stay strong. You sound lovely. You really don't deserve this

[rightwhine]

You can't change her behaviour, you can only change your reaction to it.

You are now realising you don't need her approval all the time. Great work on that. What makes her the God who says how and what things need to be done?

Do your own thing. And she either likes it or lumps it. Turn it around so she can't change your behaviour, she can only change her reaction to it. If she chooses to take offence then that's her perogative and she reaps the consequences.

[FinallyHere]

Good news: You are definitely not being unreasonable.

The really good news, though, is that as an adult you get to decide these things for yourself. It sounds as if your mother has tried to take this choice from you to maintain her power over you. It will not be easy for you to claim it back, but it is simple. Choice is like a muscle, it gets stringer the more you use it.

Start small, inside your own head, ask yourself really simple questions. What kind of toothpaste do i like, do i brush my lower teeth first. Really easy things, check that you are doing what you want and in view of the consequences and then build up to question of the things you do to win/keep her approval. That game, winning her approval, is a mugs game that she makes you do to keep control over you. Now is your time to kick over those traces.

If she objects, nod and smile, don't engage and live your life as a demonstration of your own choices.

Choice, given the consequences: welcome to your adult life. Its going to be great and it will be all yours.

[GabsAlot]

agree with rightwine- u cant changee here only yourseelf

shes not unhappy she just wants u to think she is

can u not pay a childminder instead if u pay her? honestly theyre not as much as u think esp for only one day

youre giving her too much power esp if she knows u have to rely on her for childminding

[penny4321boom]

I have a strained relationship with my mother who drank for many years and was totally unreasonable when she was drinking expecting so much from me and treating me terribly. Always treating me like a slave and many opinions on how I should rule my life. I would feel guilty all the time. But having my son def changed things for me I started taking a stand and cutting her out. Without my partner's support I would never have felt strong enough. I hope you find the strength OP, it will feel awful to start with but put yourself and your family first and you will start to feel the benefits.

[herewegoagain4749]

Ugh, your OP is so familiar, my mother definitely has NPD too. After realising that her involvement in my life was purely negative, and that she was the source and fuel of almost all my lifelong hang ups, I went NC a few months back. To protect me, and my children from the poison of her. I still question whether I did the right thing, since I'm actively denying my children a grandparent, but have come to realise that we're all better off this way. I'm sure I'll have self esteem issues till the day I die, but at least they won't be stoked by her repeatedly!! I recommend going NC and getting therapy to limit the damage. Good luck!

[mycatsmellsnice]

Another one here taking a step back from her mother having recently realised how manipulative she is. My mother is not narc but definitely hugely discontented and negative about everything. She's also a big sulker. She's actually quite exhausting.

It's so hard to change your thinking and behaviour after so many years. I compared it to being raised in cult that didn't allow us to challenge her when talking with my sister about it. You just think it's normal and put up with all the guilt and anxiety they cause.

You don't have to go NC Op but you can take some power back from her by not 'dancing the dance' with her any more. And if at all possible I would find alternative childcare. She knows you depend on her in that respect and I suspect that gives her additional leverage as she knows you're unlikely to challenging her behaviour and comments and thereby risk losing the childcare.

It's hard to change a lifetime of learned behaviour but it is possible. I wish you the best of luck in dealing with her.

[LadyPW]

OP you are so NOT unreasonable. Your mother is wow, just wow and I don't mean that in a good way. She's manipulative, emotionally abusive, a complete bitch... the list could go on. You need to get yourself in a position where you don't need to be able to rely on her for anything (childcare etc) and then keep her at arm's length. Don't pick up the phone and ring her, don't invite her round. Take back control. Have contact on your terms and not hers. You can do it. It's the first few times that are the hardest - after that you'll be automatically telling yourself that it's her problem not yours.

[ValeBrook]

Op, my Mum sounds exactly like yours, reading Daughters of Narcissistic Mother's was a real turning point. It made me realise, I wasn't the one being unreasonable. My sister is NC with my Mum so I feel guilty, but I have significantly reduced contact myself and ensure that I don't tell her anything that can be used against me. It has really made a big difference and I feel a lot happier.

[MotherofUnicorns]

I also went on a joint holiday with my sisters their families and my parents (my dad was alive at the time, sadly not now).
I left 2 days early!! i couldnt cope and just got the kids in the car and left. DH met me (ha had had to go back for work) and we got an early ferry.
Seriously was a turning point. It's a bit like children - if you threaten something you have to carry it out so they know you're serious. I said i was going to leave and i did.
She was vile the whole time. Kids too attention seeking then moans they don't love her enough. Refusing to take blood pressure medication - total attention seeking behaviour, i told her she was being childish.
I am going to read that website now - my dh has always said she has NPD....
Honestly you have to be strong and start small. You have had such good advice on here, make small stands first then build up. She will be shocked at first but hopefully will get the message eventually (and i'm afraid i am talking years.........) Good luck!!

[UppityHumpty]

You need to cut her off. Sounds like she's going to ruin your life otherwise

[MotherofUnicorns]

This is like therapy for me too - sorry to hijack jelly!!

When my dad passed away 18months ago after 4 months of illness it was ALL about her.
We were barely allowed to grieve because she had 'lost more'
She lost her paretns in her early 20s so when we even mentioned it was hard losing your dad she told us it wasn't as bad as what she has had to go through in her life and we are 'old enough'.
We had to phone her every day or get screamed at for not caring, i can't tell you how much it made me want to cut all contact. I will never forget how she behaved then and i will never get over it.
Surely a normal mother would give her children a hug and cry over them losing a parent but no, we had to comfort her. She has never ever said - i'm so sorry, you must be suffering too, i'm here for you etc etc
It was and still is utterly exhausting.

[Jellymuffin]

I'm back! Just to let you know thanks to all your support I have really turned a corner. My DS birthday party proved to me that the problem is with her, not me. Previously I would have been pandering to her behaviour to the detriment of my child's party but not now. My SIL was there and when she gave her short shrift too and completely saw what she was like (first time meeting but just HAD to make digs about me to her) it really helped. She makes such a fuss about her grandson but was totally uninterested because it wasn't about her - my dad was just as bad. They stayed for 5 minutes and I didn't care. I haven't heard from her since and again I don't care. This is huge for me. Thankyou all so much X

[Blimey01]

Yanbu...she sounds like a nightmare.
Hope your ok Op and as someone else said remember it's her and not you.
Have you ever sat down and told her honestly how her comments make you feel and asked her why she thinks it ok to treat her daughter that way?
I did that with my unreasonable Mother and she was lost for words....for once.

[Namesarehard]

I'd stop contact for two reasons. First is she's clearly emotionally abusive to you. Second is I wouldn't allow her to be emotionally abusive to my children. She will do it. It's clearly how she is. Walk away. Being your mother doesn't give her ownership over your life. You're a grown married woman and mother. You don't need her and her negativity in your life. You're better than that. X

[MumW]

You've had your light bulb moment, please consider getting some professional help so that you can continue to work on your self-esteem.

[Jellymuffin]

I couldn't possibly tell her what she is doing is unreasonable because even if I told her, I don't think she's capable of believing it. I feel I have to put up with her having DS one day a week as I have no other option, but it's only for 8 more weeks. She will not be having the baby at all and my husband has bet his life on the fact that she won't come and see DS when I'm not taking him to her once a week. We never see her in half term or summer holidays, she NEVER offers to take him anywhere or babysit. I genuinely think she will lose interest. I am strong enough to deal with this now, before I would have thought it was me.

[aaaaargghhhhelpme]

So glad you came back to update and so so happy to see you more positive and turned a corner.

I know you don't have much choice with the childcare but it's good you have an end in sight. Also really good someone else has 'seen' her for her true self. It's so not you. It's all her.

Hang on in there. You're much stronger than you think x

[Arsenicinthesugarbowl]

Good for you jelly. It's not an easy road but it gets easier as time goes on it really does!