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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go no contact with my sister? Anyone else nc with siblings? (Long)

60 replies

VillageFete · 30/04/2017 18:29

Hi, just looking for some outside perspective and advice really.

My sister is 26 & lives at home with my mum. She is the most negative person imaginable. She is angry, aggressive, shouts, moans and generally talks to my mum (and often me) like absolute shit. An example of how my sister speaks to me like shit is this phone call back in November -

Me - Hi, do you know if x,y and z have confirmed for Christmas dinner?
Sister - It's you organising it, how the fuck should I know?
Me - Oh, just because you've been with them today, I thought they may have mentioned it?
Sister - Oh for fuck's sake, I can't be arsed talking about this, I'm not interested who comes, I don't even wanna fucking go with you's. Ask them yourself puts phone down

This is a genuine conversation we had and I started crying when she put the phone down. She's horrible to me.

She shows no interest in me or my daughter and it's hurtful. I have secondary infertility and can't complete my family, so this is the only niece she'll ever have. My daughter (almost 8) idolises her and doesn't understand why my sister rarely wants to spend time with her and why she has no patience with her. This really hurts me.

I have bit my tongue & let her speak to me and my mum like shit for years, simply because I worry if I retaliate then the damage would be irreparable. My mum lets my sister walk all over her.

Things came to a head at a family party last week. Long story short my sister started swearing loudly at my mum for the most ridiculous reason. She was making a scene and it was embarrassing. I told her not to speak to my mum that way and that i'd had enough of her. She told me to "shut the fuck up, hardknock, who do you think you're talking to?" I lost my temper with her and told her i'd smack her in the face if she uttered another word Blush I told her I wouldn't be enabling her behaviour any more by keeping my mouth shut and I told her to leave the party before things got out of hand. She told me she was finished with me and that I wasn't getting the money back she owed me. That is how childish she is Sad

I like to think i'm a good sister. I love her very much, drop things no questions asked for her, lend her money, help her in any way needed but I get so little back in love & support from her. She has a boyfriend who is similar to her in his attitude and I believe this is because they smoke cannabis, yet i'm not prepared to accept that the cannabis is the only reason she's so angry & horrible. I think it's just who she is?

WIBU to have nothing else to do with her? I just worry for my daughter. I can't give her a sibling, and I worry she'll be lonely without much family around her and she loves my sister a lot. If you are nc with siblings does it make things really difficult at family occasions etc?

OP posts:
Banderchang · 30/04/2017 18:37

You poor thing. I have no contact with my brother and haven't since I was pregnant 8 years ago. He's volatile, spectacularly rude and occasionally violent (has smashed holes in doors in our parents' house). He said some unspeakable things to me the last time I saw him, and I decided I was done.

I have an only child through choice, and he has never met my brother. We both live a long way from our parents in different directions, so visit at different times. DS does not need that kind of unpredictable and aggressive behaviour in his life. My parents and I have tiptoed around my brother for years and I didn't want that spilling over to another generation.

I don't regret my decision at all. My parents are in touch with my brother and update us about each other, but I have no plans to see him again. I should imagine it's much harder to be nc if you and your sister and other family members live close together. But I wouldn't worry about any potential negative impact on your dd from not seeing your sister - she doesn't sound like she is a positive influence when you do see her!

Questioningeverything · 30/04/2017 18:41

I cut one of my siblings out about 8yrs ago. I should have done it sooner. Physically aggressive, abusive and uttered the words I hope you get raped and murdered. Never spoken another word since, never will.

Some people are like cancer, they need cutting out

Pettywoman · 30/04/2017 18:42

I think going nc would be the best thing you could do. She doesn't deserve a relationship with you. What a cow she sounds. I'd never dream of speaking to someone like that.

John4703 · 30/04/2017 18:51

Thank you so much VillageFete. I've been feeling a bit guilty. I'm an only child and my DW has a sister. They did not speak for several years but when their mother died started talking again. (That was well before I met my DW).
Three years ago I basically told my sister in law that I thought she was a bully for shouting at my DW. Sister-in-law refuses to speak to my DW or to me now and I've been feeling guilty as I feel I should have not caused the rift but thanks to the post my VillageFete I realise it is not all that unusual for sisters to fall out

Original poster
VillageFete · 30/04/2017 18:54

Thank you kindly for your replies. I was just unsure if going nc was too extreme or if it would have a negative effect on my daughter.

I wish so bad I could give my daughter a solid, stable & happy family life. I'm scared she's missing out, but we lots of wonderful friends and I have a couple of lovely cousins with kids that my DD is close to.

OP posts:
Original poster
VillageFete · 30/04/2017 18:56

John Oh you shouldn't feel guilty for standing up for your wife. Can I ask you, how do you find being an only child? I often worry about my daughter not having a sibling, but then think why the hell am I worried? My own sister is a horror and i'd rather be an only!

OP posts:
Questioningeverything · 30/04/2017 18:59

Village my 'family' is straight off a series of Jeremy Kyle. I've two kids. Trust me, they're not missing much, just drama, drugs, violence and a life of feeling insecure and unsure. Much like your dd

Str4ngedaysindeed · 30/04/2017 19:07

I have been NC with my sister for nearly a year. She has cut our mother out of her life for the past five years and has been vile about her. Ok our mother had not been the greatest but she has no concept that she was a shit mother so I just try to deal with it! She's very elderly now and quite unwell so I have been the one looking after her. My sister would call for updates and to bitch about her but never offered any help at all. It came to a head last year and I couldn't cope with the pressure of dealing with mum and getting vile comments at the same time - longer story but basically sister and I had a huge row.Her response was to slag me and my kids off and accuse us of only seeing mum for her money. All thoroughly unpleasant but much easier in a lot of ways now. She's missing out on her nieces and nephews and great nephew so it's her loss

milliemolliemou · 30/04/2017 19:11

I would certainly withdraw. Have you spoken to your mum about your DS? I can understand you love DS but why do you help her? why does your DC love her? From what you've said she's an out of control and abusive horror who isn't a role model for any DC. She also probably needs help for depression and a cannabis habit - especially the strong stuff that can lead to psychosis. In the meantime concentrate on building DD's relationships with the calm people among your family and friends.

LagunaBubbles · 30/04/2017 19:18

I will never understand why people let others treat them like dirt for the sake of a quiet life and not making things worse....there is no need to feel guilty OP and question what your DD will be "missing out" on when the answer is an obvious, vile and toxic influence....that is not want you want in your child's life.

Original poster
VillageFete · 30/04/2017 19:25

Yes I have spoken to my mum about my sister. My poor mum is devastated and doesn't want a rift between us but she understands fully why I feel how I do. I guess I help her because i'm her big sister & feel I have to? It's just in my nature to help where I can.

My DD loves her to bits when my sister "plays nice" and is in a good mood but that's few & far between to be honest.

OP posts:
Imbroglio · 30/04/2017 19:35

Yes. I can imagine it will be difficult when she's with your mum. Your mum will possibly be relying and on you to help her pretend the situation isnt as bad as it is.

Imbroglio · 30/04/2017 19:37

Your own children are better off not being in contact with some who will very likely undermine them to get at you, or try to turn them against you.

ForalltheSaints · 30/04/2017 19:48

NC with sister sounds totally reasonable, just make sure you are there for your mum.

Bonkerz · 30/04/2017 19:56

I've gone NC with all my siblings. I have 2 sisters and 3 brothers. It's been 8 years complete NC with 4 of them and the last one was 2 years ago although I do text her on the kids birthdays. I see my nephews from my sis regularly still. She hasn't seen my kids for about 18 months, her choice.

Original poster
VillageFete · 30/04/2017 19:59

My mum text me asking me not to keep my daughter away because of my sister because it would destroy my mum. I assured her that would never happen.

I guess it's harder because my sister is still at home with my mum.

OP posts:
SquinkiesRule · 30/04/2017 20:06

Then your Mum comes to you to visit with you and your Dd. I wouldn't allow my child in the same house as your sister.

Questioningeverything · 30/04/2017 20:16

I'm with squinkies. If I'm nc with someone it's serious. Sure as hell theyre not having time with my dc. Narcissistists and abusive people (she's one or the other) don't get near my kids. And if my mum tried asking me to allow it I'd be explaining calmly why no way in fuck would that happen

Original poster
VillageFete · 30/04/2017 20:24

I was half expecting people on here to say I was being unreasonable and overreacting and I think that stems from the rest of my family (mum, cousins, aunts) just shrugging my sisters behaviour off and accepting it.

I'm so pleased to know that i'm right to feel like this. It would just be so lovely to be a normal family, but if I dwell on that i'll feel bitter.

OP posts:
Imbroglio · 30/04/2017 20:42

From experience I would recommend that you try very hard not to make anything dramatic of it. Just change your behaviour until there is a new normal. Eg invite your mum to join in activities with you and your family at times which don't suit your sister, pop over when your sister is out. Don't get into organising things which by necessity involve her. Start planning Christmas now - commit to seeing the in-laws or going away.

JaneEyre70 · 30/04/2017 20:42

I barely have any contact with my sister. It breaks my heart but I literally can't be around her and won't be her punchbag. The only contact I had from her was vile abuse, and now I've blocked her from any form of contact. My Mum keeps trying to "make it better" but there's little chance. Sometimes you have to protect your own sanity.

NotTheBelleoftheBall · 30/04/2017 20:47

I'm NC with my sister. She's just a nasty pain in the arse. Arrogant, entitled, objectionable - it's been ten years (with a brief interlude when our father died).

When a person brings more pain to your world than comfort or joy, you have every right to remove them from your life.

ginghamstarfish · 30/04/2017 22:46

I'm NC with both sisters and I don't miss them. Some people are just horrible and you're better off without them.

ginghamstarfish · 30/04/2017 22:47

I'm NC with both sisters and I don't miss them. Some people are just horrible and you're better off without them.

Namechangeagain001 · 30/04/2017 23:24

I'm NC with two of my sisters. We haven't spoken for a while (their choice) but did exchange presents for each other's dcs birthdays, Christmas etc.

Anyway several downright nasty Facebook posts, about me, later from one sister which the other sister has been 'liking' including one comment saying it was 'debatable' how many siblings she had and I decided enough was enough and have gone total NC with the two of them and their dcs. My dc don't need to be around people who can't even acknowledge I exist!

Oh and we won't mention the time they decided to away for a weekend to scatter our mother's ashes but didn't ask me if I wanted to go!! They didn't do it by the way and were genuinely surprised that I would've wanted to be there! This whole situation broke my heart.

It was a hard decision to go total NC but it was the right thing to do, for my sanity if nothing else.

We haven't had any family events since that have meant us being in the same room, but when it happens I'll ignore them - they no longer deserve my attention.

OP I hope you can find a way through this