To go no contact with my sister? Anyone else nc with siblings? (Long)

[VillageFete]

Hi, just looking for some outside perspective and advice really.

My sister is 26 & lives at home with my mum. She is the most negative person imaginable. She is angry, aggressive, shouts, moans and generally talks to my mum (and often me) like absolute shit. An example of how my sister speaks to me like shit is this phone call back in November -

Me - Hi, do you know if x,y and z have confirmed for Christmas dinner?
Sister - It's you organising it, how the fuck should I know?
Me - Oh, just because you've been with them today, I thought they may have mentioned it?
Sister - Oh for fuck's sake, I can't be arsed talking about this, I'm not interested who comes, I don't even wanna fucking go with you's. Ask them yourself puts phone down

This is a genuine conversation we had and I started crying when she put the phone down. She's horrible to me.

She shows no interest in me or my daughter and it's hurtful. I have secondary infertility and can't complete my family, so this is the only niece she'll ever have. My daughter (almost 8) idolises her and doesn't understand why my sister rarely wants to spend time with her and why she has no patience with her. This really hurts me.

I have bit my tongue & let her speak to me and my mum like shit for years, simply because I worry if I retaliate then the damage would be irreparable. My mum lets my sister walk all over her.

Things came to a head at a family party last week. Long story short my sister started swearing loudly at my mum for the most ridiculous reason. She was making a scene and it was embarrassing. I told her not to speak to my mum that way and that i'd had enough of her. She told me to "shut the fuck up, hardknock, who do you think you're talking to?" I lost my temper with her and told her i'd smack her in the face if she uttered another word I told her I wouldn't be enabling her behaviour any more by keeping my mouth shut and I told her to leave the party before things got out of hand. She told me she was finished with me and that I wasn't getting the money back she owed me. That is how childish she is

I like to think i'm a good sister. I love her very much, drop things no questions asked for her, lend her money, help her in any way needed but I get so little back in love & support from her. She has a boyfriend who is similar to her in his attitude and I believe this is because they smoke cannabis, yet i'm not prepared to accept that the cannabis is the only reason she's so angry & horrible. I think it's just who she is?

WIBU to have nothing else to do with her? I just worry for my daughter. I can't give her a sibling, and I worry she'll be lonely without much family around her and she loves my sister a lot. If you are nc with siblings does it make things really difficult at family occasions etc?

It hurts to think that I might never know when he dies, as he is no longer in the UK. But I am better off without him.

Have somebody you trust with your heart, mind and soul set up a google alert with his name. Let them be your filter for any news you feel fit the "need to know" category.

Depending on circumstances it might help (if you can) not asking too many questions about where exactly which site(s) mentioned the passing, and in what sort of terms.

Ask your trusted person to do the fact checking before they share any bad news. It might help with heading off an extended denial stage.

It will likely still be horrible. But any reduction in the horribleness can only be a good thing.

If I could go back in time and I would do all of the above. While it probably won't have changed how badly our estranged father's death has affected me, it might have removed some of the extra points of pain. Which feel like shards of broken glass stuck in an open wound.

All those decades, and it never occurred to me I needed a plan for the end of an estrangement that was not, could not, be resolved. But I did.

My estranged mother was diagnosed with cancer not long after our father's death. My brother has long lived in a way that does not exactly scream "likely longevity". Forewarned is forearmed, so I have taken steps to avoid a repeat. Because I really wouldn't wish the alternative in anybody.

Not going looking yourself is no guarentee that somebody (that perhaps you aren't so keen on being the one armed with bad news to plonk on you on their terms) won't be going off and doing their own random searches. Which can leave a person rather less in control of what they come to know, how and via whom.

Not that you can ever get complete control. On Friday evening a facebook message from the last person in the world I would want in any sort of contact with me informed me of our paternal grandmother's death. I assumed she must have died years ago, I was as prepared for that news, from that person, as well as I am prepared for a large meteor strike. And it knocked the fragile scab over the screaming nerves of my father's death right off.

Take care of yourself, and protect yourself as much as you can. It won't be a perfect plan, no such thing exists. But anything you can do to soften the edges is no bad thing.

Imbroglio - I agree.

I also think a similar dynamic can arise with a sibling who is less successful. Parents and other family members are so keen not to have a "golden child" that they let the less successful sibling get away with quite nasty behaviour towards the successful one. Then the more successful child is told to put up with it because they have advantages their other sibling doesn't. For me, I think this was the dynamic throughout childhood and into adulthood - I was more academic and therefore also expected to be more understanding and emotionally mature when my brother was cruel or resentful towards me. In fact, of course, it was always incredibly upsetting and confusing that his behaviour towards me was not addressed.

It sounds as though there may be something of this dynamic with the OP, who feels that as the older sister (with an apparently happier and more stable life) she has a responsibility to put up with upsetting behaviour from her younger sibling.

I am minimal contact with my sister. She was absolutely vile about me on social media in a post to a mutual acquaintance. This was against a background of low level criticism to me and about me to others, including with my parents. She never tried to hide it either!
I was expected to help her whenever she needed it as she was a single parent, got into debt, doesn't drive, lost her job and got involved with a useless drug using man. I visited her every week, lent her money, gave her lifts, listened to her and tried to be supportive. When my life became difficult she became critical, unsupportive and downright abusive.
I have no regrets now, but have gone through a lot of sadness about our relationship. She is who she is and I don't want to be around it.

Oh God yes! My parents often justified my sister's behaviour and the expectation that I would support her because she didn't have the marriage, job, money that I had!

Yes. And minimising the bad behaviour.

My mum was always terrified that my brother would kill himself so I understand that it came from her maternal instincts to protect him. However, the damage was catastrophic - too much pressure on him to be a 'success' and the wrong set of tools to achieve it.

Online both a cousin and one DD are in contact with him on facebook. I know they will tell me if something happens. DD is pretty self-absorbed, so I am not sure that it would immediately impinge on her consciousness that she ought to tell me something like that (she is an adult with a child of her own, too.) But like I said, I know I am better off without him.

I am Nc with my sister. Almost 2 years this time, and this time what she did is absolutely unforgivable. No going back. Even prior to that she had done some awful things and I'd been Nc with her on 2 previous occasions and was persuaded by our mum to get back in touch when she was having problems and 'needed her big sister', she was lovely when she needed me, dreadful when she didn't think she needed me. This is how she treats everyone.

My dd is also an only (also due to medically/ethically can't have any more). I have several friends with only's, some by choice, some by circumstance.

I honestly think there are pros and cons to all family sizes and none are better than others, or worse.

My parents both come from large families, mums side they all get on and are very close. Dads side there's always at least 2 not speaking to each other at any one time! And it's not always the same 2!

Families are complicated.

I'm closer to friends than family, my experience has been THEY have been the ones there for me in a crisis NOT my family. Genes mean nothing more than an initial biological similarity.

I am NC with my sister, who I suspect has an undiagnosed personality disorder (probably borderline personality disorder) - she certainly has all of the acompanying behavioural traits - impulsiveness, anger, distorted ways of perceiving things, constant veering between smothering you with attention and then pushing you away in order to 'test' you.

Part of the reason for this is that I'd be unwilling to expose any children I have in the future to this instability. It's very sad for her if she is ill, but she doesn't show any signs of changing, and I am no longer prepared to be her emotional punchbag or to expose children to this.

OP, don't make your decision based on your daughter's 'idolisation' of your sister - you as parent have to step in and make the judgement call about whether your sister's behaviour is something your daughter needs protecting from. Children aren't good judges of who is a good adult and who isn't (even abused children often look as they they idolise their abuser). I can't see how this dynamic wouldn't be damaging for your daughter.

Hi Village

My sister is similar to yours and yours and I went NC with her over 10 years ago. Best thing I ever did. Though it has been easier for me as she lives in Australia.

Decided to cut her off after she came over for a visit to see DParents and stayed at mine for a few days. Before she even arrived she screamed abuse down the phone at my DM because I had suggested she might need to wait in a coffee shop for 30 mins for me to pick her up at airport. This because she chose a flight that arrived at exactly the same time as school drop off!

The clincher was seeing her being all pally with DD who then said how much she liked her aunts. I had a sick feeling in my stomach as I knew it wouldn't be long before she started the nice-nasty headfuck on DD. I couldn't let that happen so vowed i wouldn't let them meet again.

Think of how this abuse from your sister is affecting your DD. You need to protect her from it.

Online Thank you for that link, i'll take a look now.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. It's nice (in a strange way) to know i'm not alone in having a horrible sibling.

I think the best thing for me to do is just leave it be. I'm not going to make a massive deal out of things, but i'll step back. I won't be making any kind of effort with her whatsoever, no calls/texts. If I see her i'll be civil but I won't actively try to spend any time with her anymore, I don't want to spend Christmas etc with her and I won't be going out of my way to help her in anyway. I'm done with all that unless she changes, and that's unlikely. She isn't horrible all the time, but she is more often than not and i'm not enabling it anymore. She doesn't deserve me.