To go no contact with my sister? Anyone else nc with siblings? (Long)

[VillageFete]

Hi, just looking for some outside perspective and advice really.

My sister is 26 & lives at home with my mum. She is the most negative person imaginable. She is angry, aggressive, shouts, moans and generally talks to my mum (and often me) like absolute shit. An example of how my sister speaks to me like shit is this phone call back in November -

Me - Hi, do you know if x,y and z have confirmed for Christmas dinner?
Sister - It's you organising it, how the fuck should I know?
Me - Oh, just because you've been with them today, I thought they may have mentioned it?
Sister - Oh for fuck's sake, I can't be arsed talking about this, I'm not interested who comes, I don't even wanna fucking go with you's. Ask them yourself puts phone down

This is a genuine conversation we had and I started crying when she put the phone down. She's horrible to me.

She shows no interest in me or my daughter and it's hurtful. I have secondary infertility and can't complete my family, so this is the only niece she'll ever have. My daughter (almost 8) idolises her and doesn't understand why my sister rarely wants to spend time with her and why she has no patience with her. This really hurts me.

I have bit my tongue & let her speak to me and my mum like shit for years, simply because I worry if I retaliate then the damage would be irreparable. My mum lets my sister walk all over her.

Things came to a head at a family party last week. Long story short my sister started swearing loudly at my mum for the most ridiculous reason. She was making a scene and it was embarrassing. I told her not to speak to my mum that way and that i'd had enough of her. She told me to "shut the fuck up, hardknock, who do you think you're talking to?" I lost my temper with her and told her i'd smack her in the face if she uttered another word I told her I wouldn't be enabling her behaviour any more by keeping my mouth shut and I told her to leave the party before things got out of hand. She told me she was finished with me and that I wasn't getting the money back she owed me. That is how childish she is

I like to think i'm a good sister. I love her very much, drop things no questions asked for her, lend her money, help her in any way needed but I get so little back in love & support from her. She has a boyfriend who is similar to her in his attitude and I believe this is because they smoke cannabis, yet i'm not prepared to accept that the cannabis is the only reason she's so angry & horrible. I think it's just who she is?

WIBU to have nothing else to do with her? I just worry for my daughter. I can't give her a sibling, and I worry she'll be lonely without much family around her and she loves my sister a lot. If you are nc with siblings does it make things really difficult at family occasions etc?

I'm pretty much NC with my brother. I see him when I get invited to the occasional birthday party for one of his kids but that's only really because my parents ask for me to be invited.

I only go for the benefit of my parents, because they're getting older and I don't want to upset them.

When I was growing up my brother was a nasty, physically abusive, aggressive, generally vile person. He's since gone on to have a very successful career and married a pretty obnoxious wife who seemed to think she was too good to talk to me when we first met, and comes across as pretty materialistic.

It's hard for me to see him and make small talk with him at these parties because I know that he's not the charming, sociable, amazing person he's coming across as to his friends - I don't believe he's changed! I have no feelings either way about him being successful, I just feel that by going and speaking to him I'm in some way putting out the message that how he was when I was growing up is something that I'm now OK with or in some way it / I didn't matter...but it's not OK and it does matter to me.

However I'm reconciled to the fact I can still see him from time to time for my parents' sake as long as I keep my distance from him as much as humanly possible!! :)

I smoke weed.

No way do I treat people, family, friends or random strangers like that!

I am NC with my sibling. Its a pity but there was a line crossed and it will be hard to forgive. I dont make an issue of it as we now live in different countries but it did mean that DP and I are, even now, planning what to do at Xmas as if sibling is with parent, then we will not go and therefore arrange to see parent before or after Xmas. Its hard but I put effort into not making parent feel bad or have to take sides as this is entirely between sibling and I (and DP).

Cannabis doesn't usually make people aggressive. Your sister is just a knob.

It might be tricky as she still lives at home, but just get your mum round yours if you want to see her.

I am NC with mine
It seems to be mutual
It's such a shame, we have an elderly mother and my sister controls everything to do with her. She want let me talk to my mother about her illnesses (shouts at my mother if she finds out we've talked about it)
My mum need support and my sister does pretty much all of it now, mainly because she doesn't want me involved and my mum is a bit suggestible so she suggests that I must stay away so as not to upset my sister anymore.
It's awful
I have no other family
Once my mum has gone, that's it, there's no relatives on my side of the family
My Dh's parents are both dead and he has contact with a cousin in the states
We really struggle at Xmas and Easter and times when everyone else is celebrating with families. Quite literally, we have nobody to invite nor anywhere to go.

It's tough, but sometimes the situation means it's the only thing you can do

Going NC with certain types of people is the only way to go if you want to stay sane and protect you and yours.

Academicshmacerdemic what a horrible situation. My mum's sister tried to stop me seeing my mum so I know how that feels. My brother sided with my aunt. Hence nc. He doesn't understand why.

Going NC sounds reasonable.

Best IMO that your DD does not have contact with her aunt either, and never unsupervised by you or DD's father. (Your DM has poor judgment about your sister so is unsuitable to supervise). If your DD has already expressed confusion/hurt about her aunt, then the relationship has not, overall, been good for her. Suggest that you reflect on why you've encouraged a relationship when your sister is so difficult - fertility sadness might be affecting your judgment?

Your mum is a big part of the problem here too IMO. If she sees less of you/DD as a result of her choices, or feels upset about you not visiting her home, that's down to her, not you.

it seems going NC is a good idea in this situation.
I have no contact with my brother, I havent since September 2015. I have seen him once since then at christmas 2015, We were at opposite sides of the room and he ignored my existence.
In January 2016 I also cut contact with my dad's side of the family. I was sick of their attitude and lies. They told me that I provoked my ex to be abusive towards me because I argued with him. They also told my DC they were going to burn in hell because they do not believe in god (they were 8, 7, 4 and 3 at the time). I am lucky that my mums side of the family are wonderful. It was hard going NC at first but now I barely think of it. It was the right thing to do for my mental health and my DC's wellbeing.

I was estranged from my father for more than 30 years. I have been estranged from my mother and brother for about a decade and a half.

Estrangement can provide genuine peace from the immediate aftermath of life bombs caused by a personality, or a relationship dynamic if you aren't forced to live through the shrapnel by the wounded and bleeding people you still have close ties with, who are still involved with the person you no longer see,

Estrangement can come with its own set of hurts. Not least because what many people want is not the distance, but the person that they love to be essentially be somebody they are not. To lose the distressing behavoirs and attitudes. There can be a profound sense of loss when struggling with the reality that they can't be, or do, what you want them to be, or do. The hope of a change that never comes can feel like a lead weight chained to your throat sometimes. Sometimes the waiting ends with running out of time. And distance, even long term, does not always provide any insulation against an intense and complicated grief.

It is very much an individual thing, in terms of "on balance" what level of involvement will provide you with the least pain and the most day to day stability and tranquility.

In your situation I would suggest testing the waters to see to what degree distance benefits you. No announcements of "no more, I'm done". Just a stealth, drama free reduction of contact and involvement. Focus on the smaller stuff, day to day meetings rather than big ticket events e.g. like birthdays and Christmas. See how you feel, then take it from there.

I know it's shit. And I am so sorry you are in a position where you feel like you might need to come and sit in our bench.

NC 12 years. Life is good without the grief

I am NC with 2 of my 4 sisters and it is a blessing. One isnt so bad just but the other and her husband are utterly vile. Best thing ever going NC no more drama, no more sly digs etc. Its a shame for my nephews and nieces but such is life.

Thank you so much for all the replies. They've certainly given me food for thought. It's looking to be a fairly common thing to have shit siblings from this thread Perhaps I shouldn't feel as upset as I do regarding not being able to provide a sibling for DD.

I'm not NC with my sister but I'm definitely dialling back on it. No big drama, just being unavailable and not making any plans.

She's not a bad person, but everything in her life is about her, how it causes her stress, how people are treating her, and I'm fed up of hearing about it, via her or second hand from my mum. I don't think she's very happy, but a couple of things she's done recently crossed an internal line with me and I'm done.

I'm not going to argue or cause a drama, but I'm also not going to make an effort. Sadly my mum panders to her a lot, but I've decided that is their business not mine. I can't control what they do but I can control how I react to it.

DHs family is also not close and all live a long way away, but I never had many relatives geographically close growing up and you do get used to it.

I'm not nc with my dsis but like a pp I have scaled back contact gradually over the last few years.
Again, she thinks everything revolves around her , her dcs a and her dh. No.one else could possibly be as busy, stressed, hardworking , loving etc as her !
If I mention an issue I'm having, she'll laugh or shrug it off.
I always make the efort with her dcs but she never does anything with mine.
She can be cutting and treated me like a doormat. I grew up walking on eggshells around her.
A few years ago , I made a conscious decision to not depend on her or expect anything from her and I've made myself less available.
I still make time for her dcs ( I have a strong bond with them) but I arrange it for when I know she's working etc.
It's been very liberating. I think she has noticed cos the degrading comments have stopped . I think she sees a confidence in me that I never had before and is taken back by it.

I have experienced secondary infertility (but was very, very lucky to have DC2): counselling was really helpful for me.

Perhaps I shouldn't feel as upset as I do regarding not being able to provide a sibling for DD

This is worth a read. en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Only_child

I've posted it more times than I can count. Because the only child myth still has such a hold in the UK, so it features rather a lot on a UK-centric site like this. I live in a country where onlies are really common, and my anacdata pretty much lines up with the sources cited in the piece.

I think mourning the loss of fertility, being denied the children you thought you'd have the choice to have, is entirely natural. Time and space may create more peace and a lessening of how sharp the pain is. But going through the pain is probably part of the process that can't be switched off for most people. At least, not in a way that is good for mental health.

But maybe reading the link can help you separate your pain over the awful, awful blow of infertility with your concerns that you've "doomed" your daughter to being an only child. Because the bulk of your concerns likely come from a mythology. A persistant one, but a myth all the same.

Some only children do grow up wishing they'd had siblings. Become adults who are sad about, or resent a lack of sibling support when they need it the most. Reference how lonely they felt and feel.

But as I, most other posters on this thread, and you yourself know... siblings do not come with any guarantee of being wonderful, loving, supportive people. Sometimes they just add more strife to the mix. Which can lead to a profound sense of loneliness, all while surrounded by the ghosts of who people should have been, if things had been .... "normal".

There is so much rubbish talked about "family" - "She's your sister, you've GOT to love her"; He's your brother, it's just his way"; "She's your mam, just ignore her bullying"; "He's your dad, he's entitled to tell you what to do"

Well - NO!

If the behaviour is something that you wouldn't tolerate from a non-family member, then you shouldn't have to tolerate it from a family member either. It's as simple as that*. God din't put anyone on earth to be a doormat. Every single one of us is entitled to respect and consideration.

She has your mother frightened that she will bugger off and never come back, and obviously thought she could bully you, too - now that you have stood up to her she will hate you and try to manipulate your DM to cut you off so watch out for that.

You would probably never have got your money back anyway - this rift will stop you pouring more into the bottomless pit of her entitlement. Regard whatever you have lost as being cheap at twice the price to have her out of your life.

I can see why you feel your daughter's pain and can't understand why she can ignore a child - well my sister and my husband's brother managed to ignore ours even though we had always made a lot of their children (they had their family long before we had ours). And it is very hurtful. but it would ultimately be more hurtful if she formed a relationship with your DD and then used her against you, or dropped her at short notice, or related her the way she treats you an your SM.

Well done for standing up to her. I've been there myself, it takes some doing because you are rejecting a lifetime of "training'", but believe me, there are NO benefits to having toxic, manipulative, vindictive, self-entitled people in your life. None whatsoever.

Keep your distance (though stay in touch with your DM if you possibly can, obviously). Ignore any attempts by her to manipulate you (she may come back to you when she wants more money), don't resume contact except maybe at a distance - say accepting birthday cards for your daughter (though if she is anything like our families, you'll be lucky!).

This is your chance to break free. Grab it with both hands. And an only child isn't necessarily a lonely child. Emphasise all the things you can do together which would be much harder if your time and other resources were shared. If you feel she needs something to love and cherish, don't underestimate the value of a pet.

You will feel strange at first "not" having a sister, but I promise you, you will soon come to appreciate the lack of drama and the stress that goes with it. She can't hurt you or your child any more Kept it that way.

• Nothing to do with the thread or my post - just moment of levity I wanted to share with fellow autocorrectophobes. When typing "as that", I missed the space and when I got to "ast - " it completed my word for me - "astroturfing". I kid you not!

I never understand how a child 'idolises' an adult who wants nothing to do with them and shows no interest.

I also don't understand how you can love someone who treats you like shit and is generally an extremely unpleasant person.

Cut her out. Write off the money. You'll feel so much happier.

Perhaps I shouldn't feel as upset as I do regarding not being able to provide a sibling for DD.

No. Siblings aren't a necessity. There is no guarantee that they will get on.

Just make the family you have a happy one.

You have issues with your sister, that could have been your daughter if you'd another child.

My best friend hates her brother and has from the minute she could

I went NC with my brother about 10 years ago. He had always been the special one in the family and I had been taught, although I don't think on purpose, that his needs came first. He borrowed thousands of pounds from me and never paid a penny back. He didn't work. He married multiple times. He's a dead beat dad to his kids. When he wrote me a letter detailing what was wrong with my life, he was reacting to my then husband buying me a gift.

So I cut him out and after I got over the shock of the letter, I realised that I had lost 12 stone that was weighing me down. While I might wish that we were still close, as I thought we were, I know that I was only important to him as a cash cow. It hurts. It hurts to think that I might never know when he dies, as he is no longer in the UK. But I am better off without him.

I agree with PPs that it is better not to make a big deal of it but to quietly go LC until her behaviour changes. I had a period a few years ago when my brother was being absolutely vile to me for no apparent reason. It was very upsetting but I think he was very unhappy, drinking too much and occasionally taking drugs. I was not the right person to help him, but I also couldn't bear the way he spoke to me.

I handled it by avoiding him as much as possible. There were one or two occasions when I called him out on it (e.g. saying that he was being very unfair and I didn't like being spoken to in that way) and I also sent him a message saying that I would always love him and be there if he needed me, but was very sad at his behaviour.

There has been a complete alteration in his attitude towards me and my parents over the last year or so. He has ditched the girlfriend who was more heavily reliant on drugs and generally cleaned himself up. We have never spoken about the period when we were not really in contact, but now have a much closer relationship. So it can get better, but it needs to come from your sister and you need to protect yourself emotionally in the meantime. I am sorry because I know how upsetting it is.

online

I like that link thanks. We have an only for medical reasons (I can't have any more) and while I'm OK with that I do get the face from people who think my dd is deprived and I should be cracking on having more despite the fact that it may well kill me.

I'm going to use the 'saving the planet' line from now on.

I think in some families it becomes very important that a particular child does not 'fail'. I felt this with my sibling. Oldest, male, very intelligent. Huge promise. But not a very nice person. So his successes were celebrated and his nasty behaviour overlooked, including his physical violence towards me.

At the same time it was very important that I didn't outshine him in any way. So for example I was criticised for volunteering with the homeless. And he never did his chores, so I often had to more than my share. If I made extra effort I would be told that no-one would ever be able to find anything.

My unhappiness just made the situation worse. I think I was supposed to prop him up like everyone else did, and I wouldn't do that so I was in the wrong.