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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To update John Lewis gift list without consulting DH-to-be

55 replies

MissMarcy · 30/04/2017 18:22

We are getting married in a couple of months and we have a good old John Lewis gift list set up as it'll be our first proper house and we need stuff like pans and matching plates and towels etc. (Feel I must justify having a list!) Anyway, I started adding kitchen stuff to it last night and this morning DP (we're long distance atm) messaged to say he was annoyed I'd done that without consulting him first. He was also v annoyed when my parents offered, through me, to help out with stuff like painting and hanging curtains in our new house, as he felt I agreed this without checking with him first. Does this sound unreasonable of me? I feel this switch to being a team rather than us just doing stuff is confusing me.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 30/04/2017 18:24

Huh? Does he think you will cease to be an individual on marriage?

Don't you both get to add things you fancy?

Trifleorbust · 30/04/2017 18:25

I think you should agree items you want on your wedding list. They are gifts to you both. What if he doesn't like the towels you like, or likes other towels more?

3rdrockfromthesun · 30/04/2017 18:26

When are you moving in? Is he going to be there when you first move in? If not you can not wait until he is there. TBH he needs to get a grip about the house because you could be there for years and no one will remember who first painted or hung curtains. I can see why he wants to be part of it but there are bigger and more important things to negotiate about

Original poster
MissMarcy · 30/04/2017 18:26

I added kitchen utensils and pans, as I did think towels and other more decorative (?) stuff would require more debate..

OP posts:
Original poster
MissMarcy · 30/04/2017 18:27

He's in the house now, and I'm living with my parents at the moment while I finish up in my current job.

OP posts:
JustSpeakSense · 30/04/2017 18:29

I think you should appreciate the fact that he wants to be involved in making your home together.

Trifleorbust · 30/04/2017 18:31

I think it is odd for him to be very annoyed, but I think you should have discussed it.

NapQueen · 30/04/2017 18:32

How long has he been in the house?

Original poster
MissMarcy · 30/04/2017 18:35

It's a rented place but one we're allowed to do pretty much anything to, which is fun...but I think DP sees it as being pointless to do stuff like paint the bathroom even though stuff is peeling off the walls.

OP posts:
MommaGee · 30/04/2017 18:35

Agree he shouldbt have been very annoyed but understand why he wants you to do it together.

If he's already there does he not have saucepans and utensils and towels?

BillyButtfuck · 30/04/2017 18:35

LTB whilst you still can Wink

Original poster
MissMarcy · 30/04/2017 18:36

He has, er, a slow cooker of his own. The rest is stuff that came with the place.

OP posts:
JoyceDivision · 30/04/2017 18:36

I can see his point a bit, honestly, there are some anazing in.laws out there, and your parents may be lovely, but this is your first home together, so hemay not want your parents being too involved with it. How many mumsnetters would be raising threads if the table was turned saying their future husband was setting up their first home together with their future mother in law getting involved? It would be chaos!!

Original poster
MissMarcy · 30/04/2017 18:38

Joyce I do see that! Oh dear. But my parents do just want to help, and I think I'm used to their style of doing loads of babysitting, DIY etc. for my brother's and sister's families.

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 30/04/2017 18:40

On first read I thought he was being arsey and controlling.

On second reading I think he's got a good point.

Wedding gifts are to both of you and unless you are planning to be a surrendered bride or a 1950's style stepford wife. why the fuck are pots and pans and curtains your domain not his? Is he not going to be cooking or closing curtains? Are men not supposed to have a say in the soft furnishings in their own home?

Start marriage as you mean to go on MissMarcy and my strong advice is start with expectations and behaviour patterns of an equal partnership in every area (kitchen, finance, work, social). Believe me, twenty years down the line if you've always been the one who decides on what goes in the kitchen, the novelty of being Queen of the Saucepans has worn bear.

MommaGee · 30/04/2017 18:41

How old are you both?

I think a proper (face to face) chat (in the house) to agree what needs doing and who / how? Could you sell it as their wedding present to you guys?

thatdearoctopus · 30/04/2017 18:41

How would you have felt if he had updated the list without telling you?

Original poster
MissMarcy · 30/04/2017 18:43

I love cooking, and do plan to do more of it than him tbh. I haven't chosen any soft furnishings! Although our tastes are v different and it's HARD to compromise

OP posts:
LIZS · 30/04/2017 18:44

Isn't half the fun doing these things together. Unless your family have specific skills or you need an extra pair of hands for a job, you really should n't assume their presence would be welcome. What is already on your list if these are additions , was there really any rush to add them without discussing it? Could your enthusiasm have perhaps got the better of you.

Original poster
MissMarcy · 30/04/2017 18:46

Could your enthusiasm have perhaps got the better of you.

Possibly Blush

OP posts:
JoyceDivision · 30/04/2017 18:47

Ah op, bless you! Think it's one of those things that will be easier when you are moved in together and settled. However lovely our parents genuinely are, it can take a while for partners to adopt a similar close and relaxed relationship with them (if in doubt have a glass of wine and read through the in kaw related threads on here)

My dad is a very experienced retired joiner who would willingly build walks, do skirting and coving and dh took ages to be comfortable with all his handiwork.

But when his mum offered to come and sweep up (?) I drew the line!

Headofthehive55 · 30/04/2017 18:59

I don't think it's ever a good idea to let your parents help you decorate, unless you are both there and are happy. It snowballs and isn't good for your marriage.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 30/04/2017 19:04

YABU. You should have consulted him. Also, it's not okay to accept help from your parents without clearing it with him first; nobody wants their in-laws musseling in on their new home.

Original poster
MissMarcy · 30/04/2017 19:12

I am definitely taking on board the point re. my parents...he was so annoyed about that it freaked me out though. But I do see if he suggested his mother swinging by to dust or something I'd be fairly unhappy. (My parents need to come down with some of my stuff in the car anyway, and I just thought it'd be handy as he's always saying he has no time to do stuff..ah well)

OP posts:
Graphista · 30/04/2017 19:12

I'm not convinced you're ready for marriage? How old are you both? How long have you been together? Have you ever NOT been in a long distance relationship ?

I speak as someone who did this exact thing (marrying someone I'd mainly been in a LDR with, never lived together, neither good at compromise, very different tastes/opinions) and it did not work out.