To update John Lewis gift list without consulting DH-to-be

[MissMarcy]

We are getting married in a couple of months and we have a good old John Lewis gift list set up as it'll be our first proper house and we need stuff like pans and matching plates and towels etc. (Feel I must justify having a list!) Anyway, I started adding kitchen stuff to it last night and this morning DP (we're long distance atm) messaged to say he was annoyed I'd done that without consulting him first. He was also v annoyed when my parents offered, through me, to help out with stuff like painting and hanging curtains in our new house, as he felt I agreed this without checking with him first. Does this sound unreasonable of me? I feel this switch to being a team rather than us just doing stuff is confusing me.

Hi OP I may be way off the mark and forgive me if I am, but this rings alarm bells with me, particularly the bit about not wanting your parents to help. He sounds like he could be quite controlling.

OP how old are you guys, how longhave you been toether etc? Have you ever not been long distance?

Mmm.

Woman posts on MN: My husband is making the decisions about our home, furnishings and life together in a new home.

MN: He is being a controlling sod.

Woman posts on MN: My husband is upset that I am making decision for him about our home, furnishings and life together in a new home.

MN: He is being a controlling sod for even wanting a say.

FFS people can we at least get a little consistency here. OP, there are going to be plenty of times when your decisions will have little or no blowback so don't worry about the future. However, the wedding list is a joint thing unless you see it as some kind of transaction for you so you get to decide whats on it? Also the decorating - did he have a choice in colours, styles etc or did you just say its going to happen? When someone is living in a place they might like a say in what it looks like and when it is decorated.

My husband is quite similar to this. He grew up with a very controlling mother and he hates to think that he's being dictated to or controlled in any way!

I found this out in the run up to our wedding when he wanted me to run absolutely everything by him before agreeing to anything. I soon realised he wasn't actually interested in the colour scheme, flowers or any of my choices, he just wanted me to run it past him so that he felt he was part of the decision making process - which I think is fair enough. He's rarely ever questioned any of my choices, he just likes to feel part of them :)

People have major preferences when it comes to pots and pans and other kitchen stuff though, and if you're choosing decent stuff (as I'd assume you mostly are with a JL gift list) you're stuck with it for years, maybe decades. Stainless steel, non-stick or cast iron? Cheap option for that appliance, or a better quality option? Wooden chopping boards or plastic? What kind of knives are comfortable for you to use? And what about the things left on display and not in drawers? What colours and styles do you like?

I'd be pretty pissed off if my DH just went out and bought us, say, a bunch of non-stick pans, because I hate the things and would much rather pretty much anything else. If we talked about it and compromised and still ended up with some non-stick pans, fine, but it wouldn't be ok for him to just decide on his own that that's what we'll be using for years to come.