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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To update John Lewis gift list without consulting DH-to-be

55 replies

MissMarcy · 30/04/2017 18:22

We are getting married in a couple of months and we have a good old John Lewis gift list set up as it'll be our first proper house and we need stuff like pans and matching plates and towels etc. (Feel I must justify having a list!) Anyway, I started adding kitchen stuff to it last night and this morning DP (we're long distance atm) messaged to say he was annoyed I'd done that without consulting him first. He was also v annoyed when my parents offered, through me, to help out with stuff like painting and hanging curtains in our new house, as he felt I agreed this without checking with him first. Does this sound unreasonable of me? I feel this switch to being a team rather than us just doing stuff is confusing me.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissMarcy · 30/04/2017 19:14

Argh

OP posts:
WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 30/04/2017 19:16

I'm also kinda with your DP re painting. Fine to do a little touch up, but don't spend a lot of money in a rented place. You'll never get it back.

AlternativeTentacle · 30/04/2017 19:18

I don't see the problem at all about adding things onto your own wedding list. You should not have to run every little iota of detail past him first. You have a brain, those are things you want to add, so add them.

He does sound a tad controlling.

Original poster
MissMarcy · 30/04/2017 19:19

You should not have to run every little iota of detail past him first This is definitely what I still feel about the gift list. But I do see my parents helping out is different

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 30/04/2017 19:20

I hate set gift lists for weddings, would vouchers not be easier so people can put what amount they wish to spend then you can buy the necessary items rather than be limited to particular items that might not be in the price range that way you can choose together.

Original poster
MissMarcy · 30/04/2017 19:21

Oh gosh, I love the gift list so much Blush Trying to put a range of prices on there, but vouchers would be good too

OP posts:
WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 30/04/2017 19:25

You should not have to run every little iota of detail past him first

I disagree with that in this case because it's a wedding gift list for the two of you. You should be adding to it together, not separately.

LindyHemming · 30/04/2017 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 30/04/2017 19:26

I read your OP out to my DH who said simply "a happy wife and you smile for life" - followed by "he'll learn" !

Unless your DH is absolutely minted and can afford workmen, or he himself is marvel at DIY with endless time, then in-laws of the retired variety are invaluable to get those niggly jobs out of the way.

AlternativeTentacle · 30/04/2017 19:27

But I do see my parents helping out is different

I don't. They offered, they didn't go out and buy a load of paint. Because they care about you.

Are these literally the only two things he has been controlling about?

Tenerife2015 · 30/04/2017 19:27

Have you not lived together before getting married? Baffles me!

AlternativeTentacle · 30/04/2017 19:29

I disagree with that in this case because it's a wedding gift list for the two of you. You should be adding to it together, not separately.

Why not? He is not the gatekeeper of the LIST. So if she wants something and he says 'no' he gets to call the shots. Fuck that for a set up from the get go.

Haffdonga · 30/04/2017 19:34

But it's not your own wedding list. It's your shared wedding list of gifts requested by you both to be used and enjoyed by you both, given by friends and family of you both.

I'm surprised and shocked that the archaic idea is still around in modern marriages that the wedding list is the bride's personal wish list because The Man is Too Important to be concerned with the trivia of embroidered tea towels and fish knives.

MrsELM21 · 30/04/2017 19:35

Goodness, we went round John Lewis together and chose all of our stuff and then I just added things as & when I thought of them, DH was more than happy for me to do so and genuinely didn't mind at all what was on the list, not in an 'I don't care' sort of way but in a 'if I'm happy if you're happy' sort of way, I loved 'my' list Grin

Aderyn2016 · 30/04/2017 19:35

My first thought was that he was being controlling and tbh it still is! It would never occur to me to consult dh over something as trivial as pots and pans and it wouldn't occur to him to care!

Is he going to expect consultation on everything you do?

Wrt parents helping to decorate, I'm a bit on the fence. I'd happily delegate all diy to anyone who'd do it (as would dh - we both dislike doing it), but I can see why someone might prefer less IL involvement!
But if he is going to object to your parents helping out, he should be willing to do it himself. Not fair to object but then expect you to live in a scruffy house. I know it is remted but it is still your home and you should be comfortable in it.

AlternativeTentacle · 30/04/2017 19:48

I'm surprised and shocked that the archaic idea is still around in modern marriages that the wedding list is the bride's personal wish list

It isn't. If the man wants something on there he can pop it on as well. It's about being autonomous human beings not having to run everything past the man of the house.

Original poster
MissMarcy · 30/04/2017 19:56

He's got a password for the list, he can put things on it if he likes. We have survived 2 IKEA trips now, so I suppose that's something at least..

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 30/04/2017 19:56

Pots and pans are important to some people though. My dh is one of them. We're still using the set we were given when we got married so just as well we both liked them. It's not controlling to want a say even if you are a bloke.

OP if you teach him that the home is "your" sphere now it will come back to bite you later on.

BarbarianMum · 30/04/2017 19:57

So how does that work tentacle ? 2 sets of plates, 2 sets of pans?

SavoyCabbage · 30/04/2017 19:59

It depends whether he has opinions on pans and utensils. I do so I would want to be involved with the choosing.

I can't be doing with pans that get hot handles or potato mashers that are just a zig-zag. (Disclaimer...I got married before frozen mash was invented)

I think I would feel,a bit pushed out if my future spouse and my in laws were doing up the house without me too.

Original poster
MissMarcy · 30/04/2017 20:02

Future ILs aren't doing up his house, it was just a kind offer (imo). When I realised he was upset, I explained to them that I'd jumped the gun a bit

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacle · 30/04/2017 20:41

So how does that work tentacle ? 2 sets of plates, 2 sets of pans

The OP never mentioned two sets of everything. I must have missed that update.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 30/04/2017 20:45

AlternativeTentacle It's not about him calling the shots, or her for that matter. It's about being a team and choosing gifts for the home together.

ClaraLane · 30/04/2017 20:46

We had a John Lewis wedding list and we both added things to it when we thought about it and then every now and again we sat down and went through it and amended it as necessary. I'm still bitter I didn't get "my" pretty wineglasses and had to have boring plain ones instead Angry

BarbarianMum · 30/04/2017 20:55

You and I are definitely kitchen- incompatible Savoy. All our pans are 100% stainless steel (so fine in dishwasher and no bits to wear out/break off) and I think potato mashed that are grids are the work of the devil. Grin These things matter.