To not know how to deal with parenting peer pressure?!

[Karrot]

Im actually just wondering what anyone else does in this situation. Totally minor example. We were at a bbq with family friends. They served some lovely, icing-laden cake for dessert. My DD (5) had one piece and asked if she could have some more. I said no, as she'd already had some chocolate that day and we're fairly strict on sugar usually.

Some of the other kids had more than one piece, which my DD wasn't happy about and kept pointing out that X and Y had had been allowed more cake and it wasn't fair. I can see her point, it wasnt fair, but equally, I don't want to give her the idea that I will cave on everything just because someones else's parent had a different opinion to me...I stuck to my guns for that reason (rather than the cake issue in itself!) but it did seem a bit unfair.

Same thing when we went to leave, some of the other families were staying later but my DD was exhausted after a busy few days (and it was an hour after she usually goes to bed, so I wasnt being that mean!)- but she couldn't understand why it was ok for them to stay, but not her...

What does anyone else do in this kind of situation? It's not like you can say "Well, soandso's mum clearly doesn't care that he gets diabetes/spend tomorrow totally exhausted... but that's why I said no to you...!" That isn't even the point, anyway...it's more if you make a decision, how do you stick to it even if other parents are doing sonething different?

The more uncomfortable you are about it, the more other people will notice I think. And the more your dd will then question you as kids pick up on adult discomfort like a detective and then play on it

I know what you mean op and it is awkward. There are a few big no-nos I have for the dc, not so much food related but things you still experience in kids gatherings. Walking or running around with food or sweets is not allowed...i have a fear of choking and my dc know that the only way they eat is when sitting completely still, even if it's just one haribo sweet.

I've had a few 'well Xx is allowed to take his burger with him!' type comments (xx is currently racing around the garden with a mouthful of food, giving me palpitations). My response is generally 'well xx has to listen to his own mummy and daddy's rules not mine, now come on, sit...' etc and repeat.

In private we have conversations about what they're allowed to do that others aren't. So I'll point out that Alfie from next door isn't allowed to climb the big tree and that Maisie isn't allowed to stay awake until 10pm on a Saturday and I bet their friends didn't spend the day at the Zoo today so may not be quite so tired as them...overall they seem to understand if you don't make a big deal out of it.

When my daughter was about 2 or 3 i was out shopping with my in-laws we had lunch and my daughter had a slice of cake for afters anyway on the way back to the car we passed the ice cream van my daughter started crying for one i told her no because she had just eaten cake she cried all the way home in the car as i was getting out Mil turned to her and said that when we get in maybe mummy would give her ice cream! I was fumming...she never did get the ice cream!

I disagree with those saying it is a special occason, let the DC eat what they want. Just because you are out doesn't mean all rules can be bent.
If say, the DC was already allowed some things that are not usually allowed it is NU to be firm on other just because other parents are.
I just say you already had a piece of cake that is enough, don't keep asking as I won't change my mind. That's it, no need to overthink it.

You were asking about the saying 'No' when others have said 'Yes'.

It depends. In the cake situation I'd have said 'Oh, it looks like there's plenty for people to have seconds, so now you can if you want to'.

As for things like leaving early, I pick my battles and I stop and think before automatically saying no, or sticking to routines etc. It's all to easy to be overly routine led or overly bothered by stuff.

If she's have just been a bit tired & grumpy today but was having a brilliant time I'd have stayed. If she was just having an ok time or would be vile today I'd have taken her home. Initially I try to make it funny 'Because you need your bed & so do I!' I'll be a bit sympathetic 'I know you don't want to go, but we need to, we can invite xzy over to play soon' but not for long. It's soon 'We are going now & that's that. I don't want to hear anymore whining' & 'Because I said so'.

But picking battles is the first step.

Really don't like your diabetes comment. You know that if children get diabetes, it's usually type one and that has absolutely nothing at all to do with sugar intake! It's an auto immune thing, you can get it hereditary or due to an infection eating away at the pancreas. It's type two diabetes you can get due to being overweight, but its generally a much older age range that gets that....Unless your child is morbidly obese and i doubt that's the case. Please don't go round intimating diabetics have the disease because they are too much cake.

Exactly @mumzy. Life for a 'Diabetes Mum/Dad' is hard enough, without folks trying to intimate that they somehow caused it by giving their child a bad diet.

If T2 was a risk for your child, it would be pretty obvious because they would be obese already.

It was the diabetes comment that irritated me too and made op sound judgemental.
My dcs were coming home from school saying we will get diabetes if we eat too much sugar. While there is truth in that I did explain to them the different types of diabetes cos my ds knows a kid with diabetes type 1. I explained that that was not because of sweet's, energy drink etc but it was his own bodies response to sugar and very different from type 2.
Kids with diabetes have a tough enough time without judgement being passed .

Whenever I complained that something wasn't fair as a child my mum used to say 'well life isn't fair, think of the starving children in Africa*, you are very lucky'
*or whatever the current cause was
It is a good life lesson, I was lucky then and I'm lucky now compared to many, am I as fortunate as some, no, but thats life, that's ok.
Cake doesn't make you happy!

OP I totally understood your post and yes we all find ourselves in those situations now and again. For what's it's worth I would have stood firm on the cake and the bedtime as young children can't be expected to know what's in their best interests, therefore it's our responsibility if they then vomit or spend the next day miserable or tired because we didn't put our foot down. I tend to say "you are my ds and I have to do what's right for you, other families might do things differently that's up to them"
For those saying "pick your battles" maybe it was a perfectly reasonable battle to pick?
Oh and for those getting het up about diabetes, as a pp pointed out type 2 is now becoming common amongst children in this Country and is diet / lifestyle related. And it's untrue to believe that only an obese child is at risk of it.

i'd have picked my battles. bank holiday bbq and cake is a lovely exciting little thing for a 5 yo and if she was having a lovely time playing etc, its nice to see them socialising and i probably wouldn't care. will she not just have a nap or a lie in the next day?

and she is not going to get diabetes from a slice of cake!!!! that is seriously not how it works!!!

Helicopter parenting springs to mind...

I parent differently to how some of DD's friends parent. Using your food example, when we've been at parties and she's asked for more cake/sweets then I stick to my guns. Regardless of what any studies show, I know that when she has too much sugar, she gets hyper - everything becomes a big deal, she gets irritable easily, and 'crashes' more quickly. So, I just say that "those are the rules in our house."
She's been sensible enough to say, when at other children's parties (and I'm not there) "No thanks, Mummy says I can only have one piece of cake."
Ditto any other rules.

OP, in circumstances like this when I was a kid and my sisters and I protested that "it's not fair" my parents would say "life isn't fair".

The boringness of that response taught us not to bother complaining. (Although actually they did try pretty hard to be fair.)

I don't understand why people are focusing on the cake and time of leaving. They are irrelevant to your question.

I'm going through this with a 16 year old at the moment but it's to do with drinking and body piercings. We decide what we are willing to give on and what is non-negotiable. We explain our reasoning. We also explain that different parents have different priorities but that they are all generally trying to do their best. At this teen stage, I often produce research that supports our position (much to dc's disgust) but basically, it all boils down to all families are different and these are our rules.

When they were younger, I used to just explain that this was the way we did it. They got some things their friends didn't and vice versa.

With the cake I would have said "ok, if everyone else is having another slice I'll let you - but just one more as it's a BBQ"

With the leaving I'd have said "you've had a cold and have a party tomorrow - the other children haven't." Then I'd ask how she thinks she'll feel if she misses tomorrows party as she's too tired. Try and get her to understand herself it's best to leave a bit early and enjoy 2 parties than stay and only enjoy 1!

Oh, and I also think you were right to stick to your guns re the cake.

That said, I do occasionally change my mind if they make a valid point that changes my mind or very occasionally, I will reflect on my decision and realise I was wrong and tell them so. However, I don't give in to nagging.

We relax the rules when ds is at parties or other people's houses. At home he eats a good diet, not too much sugar, so once in a while isn't a problem to us. But with regards other things, I guess just be confident in your own parenting. I often say to ds on the quiet "I don't care what Jamie or Jamie's parents do - you're our son and we have different rules".

Sorry pressed post too soon ....

But ultimately if I make a decision I know is best for my DS I stick with it.

It's caused others to comment in the past but I'm grateful years down the line because I have a fairly compliant and reasonable 12yo and theirs are just pushing the boundaries more and more because no didn't ever really mean no.

I just say "Different families have different rules" and don't engage in further discussion.

P.S. Sugar does not cause diabetes.

TBH I would sympathise with the child - you're sad/upset/cross you aren't allowed more cake/we're leaving first, it can be upsetting (or whatever) when you can't have/do what you want.

Yep different families have different rules is what I say too. And I'd also remind them of things they are allowed to do that other kids aren't.

"Well, soandso's mum clearly doesn't care that he gets diabetes/spend tomorrow totally exhausted... but that's why I said no to you...!"

I was with you until the above. You sound smug, self-congratulatory and not very clever into the bargain. Your dc will not get diabetes from eating one slice of cake. Most parents are willing to be a bit flexible when it comes to gatherings/special occasions, but if you don't want to be then "no" is a complete sentence.

I would have taken the extra slice of cake home to have the following day so dc didn't feel they were missing out.
I would stick to my guns about leaving. By the time you arrive home-have supper-do bedtime routine. Your Dc will be exhausted and cranky. Your parenting seems fine, don't doubt yourself. When it comes to raising your children, you have to row your own boat and deal with situations as they arise.

The only one judging anyone else's parenting was you OP, so hardly peer pressure

I would've let her have the cake. Whether we stayed later would depend on the child. Some kids are fine with the occasional late night, others are horrors.

I think it depends if you are always the parent that says "no" - or whether it is balanced out by other things. So you might be saying "no" to cake but are more relaxed about (picks thing at random) messy play at home.

My DC are tweens but can work out that I am strict about some things (and understand why those things are important to me, even if they disagree) but appreciate I am less strict in others.

If you are always saying "no" while everyone else is saying "yes" I think actually think you consider whether this is genuinely because you are constantly surrounded by parents who parent in an entirely different way, or because your boundaries are genuinely too strict. There was a recent thread where the OP asked what 10 year olds were typically allowed to do, and it highlighted that OP was way more restrictive than just about anyone else. In this case I think a serious rethink is needed!