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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know how to deal with parenting peer pressure?!

81 replies

Karrot · 30/04/2017 00:18

Im actually just wondering what anyone else does in this situation. Totally minor example. We were at a bbq with family friends. They served some lovely, icing-laden cake for dessert. My DD (5) had one piece and asked if she could have some more. I said no, as she'd already had some chocolate that day and we're fairly strict on sugar usually.

Some of the other kids had more than one piece, which my DD wasn't happy about and kept pointing out that X and Y had had been allowed more cake and it wasn't fair. I can see her point, it wasnt fair, but equally, I don't want to give her the idea that I will cave on everything just because someones else's parent had a different opinion to me...I stuck to my guns for that reason (rather than the cake issue in itself!) but it did seem a bit unfair.

Same thing when we went to leave, some of the other families were staying later but my DD was exhausted after a busy few days (and it was an hour after she usually goes to bed, so I wasnt being that mean!)- but she couldn't understand why it was ok for them to stay, but not her...

What does anyone else do in this kind of situation? It's not like you can say "Well, soandso's mum clearly doesn't care that he gets diabetes/spend tomorrow totally exhausted... but that's why I said no to you...!" That isn't even the point, anyway...it's more if you make a decision, how do you stick to it even if other parents are doing sonething different?

OP posts:
befuddledgardener · 30/04/2017 05:07

I think it's fine to limit cake intake if that's what you want to do. Two cakes plus chocolate plus BBQ food would result in my small child throwing up. If he tried to keep up he'd be over full

llangennith · 30/04/2017 05:27

As previous posters said, pick your battles. You'd already drawn attention to your strict rules by singling out your DD in not allowing her to have more cake when all the other parents were more relaxed about it. So then when you tried to take her home early all eyes were already on you.

I fully understand the child who gets completely exhausted and drained at parties and other events and you know your child.

Henrysmycat · 30/04/2017 05:28

You must be a scream at parties! Confused
An extra slice won't hurt the child and I say that as a regular gym bunny who makes avocado sugarless cakes at home.
My kid would have eaten an extra slice and you can be as judgemental as you like but I do care about what we eat and diabetes. Just because you saw us eat an extra slice doesn't mean anything.
I don't think a party is the perfect place for me to enforce anything to my kid. I let her enjoy the moment and at home her treat would continue to be a kid friendly bliss ball.

llangennith · 30/04/2017 05:29

posted too soon! Perhaps you could relax about food at parties and BBQs and tell DD in advance that you'll probably be leaving before the other children and then, at the party, give adequate warnings that you'll be leaving in, say, 10 minutes, 5 minutes.

SiouxieQ · 30/04/2017 05:34

You sound mean and horribly judgemental of other parents choices for their children, your poor kid ffs let her have a bit of extra cake with her friends it's hardly the end of the world.

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuck · 30/04/2017 05:37

This never happens. What has started though is sibling rivalry: "she can have it, why can't I?" I stick to my guns.

SeekingSugar · 30/04/2017 05:48

There doesn't appear to have been any peer pressure at the party but clearly you feel judged, possibly because you are very judgemental of those who parent differently to you.
Look at the big picture, do you want your child to ha d happy memories and up be learn to make sensible decisions when you're not there? Or do you want her to feel policed and criticised? If you're confident about what you're doing then carry on, but perhaps try to be a little more accepting of others.

emmyrose2000 · 30/04/2017 05:55

I don't understand where the "peer pressure" is in the two OP examples? No one's saying to you or DC 'do it! do it! do it!'.

They parent their way, you parent yours. If you're confident in your parenting decisions it won't matter what the other families are doing.

JustMumNowNotMe · 30/04/2017 05:56

You would think me a terrible parent OP, at parties and other social occasions i really dont care what the DC eat. They eat well the rest of the time so if they want to gorge on pizza and haribo for an afternoon, they can go for it!

same principle on the odd occasions we go to McDonalds- no sodding carrot sticks and water with happy meals here. Have the fries ffs! Whats the point of going otherwise?

Nessie71 · 30/04/2017 06:03

First things first My 8 year old daughter is a type 1 diabetic and its because her pancreas stopped producing insulin not because she ate to much suger that would be type 2 rant over.
I would be like you if i said no i would mean no also when its time to go we go...but i have learned to pick my battles.

elkegel · 30/04/2017 06:14

Pick your battles. I wouldn't be bothered about two slices of cake at a party.

"But everyone in Y4 has a phone..." gets a different reaction.

BoomBoomsCousin · 30/04/2017 06:22

I just tell them - different families have different rules. I try to be a bit more flexible when others are around and use our home time to keep balance, but not exclusively because I think that can just make it seem like home life is the dreary bit, which is not what I want them to associate it with.

Also, recently I've stepped back from sticking to my guns after I've said no. I used to think giving in would just lead to a constant battle of wills and they needed to learn no means no. But lately I've realised my kids give up a bit too easily and I think this was part of the reason why. So if they continue asking, and especially if they are creative or come up with a good argument or negotiation or something, I often give in. I think it's helping make them more persistent.

SweepTheHalls · 30/04/2017 06:28

I say to my DC that I'm not those children's parent, but I am there's. They understand that each parent runs a different set of rules, and knows what their child needs best with an understanding of the big picture.

Original poster
Karrot · 30/04/2017 08:09

Sorry, so many have taken what I meant wrong about this and I apologise if it came across wrong but I think some of you on here are for some reason looking for a fight so am just going to explain and leave it here.

It wasn't anything to do with whether eating two slices of cake is wrong or not, maybe a bad example. I could have quite easily said yes to the second slice of cake (on another day I may well have done!) and the issue might have been that she wanted a third or a fourth. Or it could have been that I was out with friends and another mum bought a toy and I'd already said no. Or whatever.

And I wasn't suggesting for a second that I think that a slice of cake causes diabetes and i think the calling me a "thick dick" is a bit pathetic for a grown adult...what I was saying was, if I had to explain in massive detail to my daughter why (for example, as this post has NOTHING to do with the rights and wrongs of sugar) I restrict her sugar intake a bit...what I was trying to get at was I wasn't going to get into that discussion with a five year old or criticise any other parents' choices to her because they are their choices.

I was looking for a bit of advice on how other people deal with a situation where they've already said no and their child feels it's not fair because a friend's parent then says yes, for those of you who answered that question, (which I didnt think would be that controversial)
thanks!

OP posts:
topcat2014 · 30/04/2017 08:14

We try to avoid anything that marks our family out as weird.

In my view, leaving a party early, and not eating party food would fall in to that category.

Stressing about party food, and avoiding it, can just lead to food issues later in life.

Does all this sugar rush guff actually exist? I am not so sure.

So what if people are a bit tired the next day - not the end of the earth is it.

However, OP, these are all your choices - and you should not worry about ones you make.

FloatyCat · 30/04/2017 08:28

It's a tough one, and depends on the child; my oldest would have not accepted they couldn't have a second piece and whined for hours about the unfairness, my youngest would have been ok having it explained that chocolate & two pieces of cake is too much.
Personally I think chocolate & 2 pieces of cake plus BBQ food is too much and likely to result in puking for a 5 yo.
I would have explained that the other kids probably didn't have chocolate beforehand, then just repeated quietly "you are not having it" if the child kept on complaining. I wouldn't have bothered about a late stop up though, that's all part of the BBQ fun for kids.

Henrysmycat · 30/04/2017 08:31

OP, that's the eternal argument "kids and everyone else wants more or what the other has". Our entire civilisation is build on "I want more/bigger/better/what the other person has". If kids didn't ask, they wouldn't be kids. Or if they were, I'd think they were wise beyond their years or 'beaten up' to submission of not asking for more. I grew up poor, I knew not to ask, there was nothing for me. But let me tell you, once I grew up, I've been asking ever since. I'm not grubby but what I deserve I get it.
For food, if their diet is healthy, one party even a party a week won't do any damage. Everyone deserves a bit of letting go or luxury.
If I'm raising my kid to be sensible a cake or an extra toy is not damaging. I pick my battles. No to the iPad/Xbox/latest gadget non stop shopping. But I did say yes to a nice kindle fire with controlled time and a modest phonecwhen she's away from us.
That kind of thing. I never judge each parent how they do it. Only they know. I'm trying to do my best. I grew up you can say deprived but that's what my DParents could do, I don't begrudge it but I know what is it to want and not dream of asking. Personally, I am now blessed but I try to keep a balance. I'm making it up as I go along. Some times? Things turn out ok. Others? That's an epic fail.

Quickieat2 · 30/04/2017 08:39

Topcat - so you attempt to do everything everyone else does and nothing different. Utterly weird thing to do. It's like trying not to have a personality. Its normal for people to be different and it's people's differences that make life richer. Looking around at my own community, there are so many great personalities. Different people trying to meet their own kids different needs.

Sammysquiz · 30/04/2017 08:39

I'd have done the same. But when she's asking why she can't have more cake you could've just said that she'd had chocolate earlier (as you'd said in your original OP) and the other children hadn't.

Piratesandpants · 30/04/2017 08:40

In terms of your question on your most recent post, I usually pre-empt the situation. If we're out with friends I'll ask (when the children can't hear) whether we're getting ice teams - or whatever. For younger children it's nice if they do these things together. For me, eating is a social experience (I'm from another European country if that helps, and I do notice different cultural approaches to food). Some of my friends children have dietary requirements eg gluten free, so we just chat and agree what we'll do so they all have fun and no one has a meltdown.

Original poster
Karrot · 30/04/2017 08:43

No, no totally, topcat. I haven't an issue with staying late or eating party food or making us look weird - we're not obsessive about sugar or staying up late, just that on this occasion she asked for a second and I said no - before any other parents had been asked - so once they had said yes, it was either go back on what I'd already said or stand firm...and I was just interested what more experienced parents would do in that situation!

And the staying up - my daughter has had a cold this week, we had an insanely busy day yesterday and she has a party today - at about 9, she just looked wiped and I thought I had to get her home, which was totally the right thing to do as she could barely walk up the stairs before falling asleep! So it was just decisions I decided to make based on the day...not like an ethos that we have to do things differently!!

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 30/04/2017 08:43

I would have said no to a second piece of cake if I felt that was the right thing to do. If my DD told me others were allowed, I would just say I'm not his mum, I am yours.

Quickieat2 · 30/04/2017 08:44

Yes your post wasn't about cake and bedtimes, but dealing with differences in parenting.

claraschu · 30/04/2017 08:50

OP lots of people are misunderstanding you; quite a few people are wilfully misunderstanding you. I don't know why people do this, but it happens all the time on here. It can be really upsetting, but don't let it bother you, and realise that no amount of reasonable explanation will EVER get those people to back down and say: "Oh yes I see what you mean now".

I really think that saying "families make different choices" covers this kind of situation. It is interesting to talk about this at a peaceful moment (away from any fraught situation) with your kids. I bet they can think of lots of things they love about how you do things which make up for not being allowed to eat excessive amounts of sugar.

I also want to mention that type 2 diabetes used to be vanishingly rare among children, but it is becoming a huge problem (more in the US but also starting here). It is strongly correlated with obesity.

SallyGinnamon · 30/04/2017 08:51

I understand what you mean Karrot.

I think as lots of PPs have said, sometimes you let it slide.

So in a similar BBQ example they'd eat crap sausages and cake (and probably Haribos too ugh). I'd explain why I don't think it's a good idea (you'll end up feeling sick/unhappy tomorrow etc). And then when she is grumpy remind her that is because she's tired etc. They have to learn from their own mistakes.

Other times you just say that your family do it differently. Can't give an example without sounding priggish!