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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling hurt by old friend. AIBU/WWYD?

121 replies

Beaubeagle · 29/04/2017 15:20

Bit of background. My exh and I split up after 16 years together (9 years married) when I found he was sleeping with a work colleague (prior to this we had a very good marriage and everyone, including myself, was shocked) We subsequently divorced and he is still with OW. They have our 3DC EOW & 4 weeks per year hols, and although I know the importance of having their father in their lives, the fact that the OW who distroyed my family gets to play happy families with my DC absolutely kills me.

DF is someone I have known since nursery (30+ years). We lost touch during our teens but got back in touch around 9 years ago. We don't see each other that often but have 3 or 4 days out together every year, plus occasional nights out with partners (I'm now remarried) and we frequently FB message. She is my oldest and one of my closest friends.

DF only knew Exh through me. A couple of years before we split, Exh got DF's partner a job in his firm. They didn't work directly with each other but saw each other in passing and we would have occasional nights out as a foursome. Neither my Exh or DF's partner work for the same company anymore as both left some time ago now.

It has come to light recently, via FB, that DF and her partner have being seeing ExH and his OW socially. OW is now listed as a 'friend' of DF and frequently comments on DF's posts, making it obvious that they are more than just acquaintances.

I feel very hurt that DF of years saw everything I went through because of this woman but now she is friends with her. I've not said anything to her because I can't obviously tell someone who they can and can't be friends with, but aibu to feel betrayed and upset? DF has messaged me to ask to arrange a night out with our partners but I haven't replied because I don't know what to say. The OW took my husband, plays 'mum' to my children and now has taken my friend too. Sad

Would you lose an old friend because of OW or should I just accept that she can be friends with whoever she likes, even if it does hurt?

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 30/04/2017 15:06

She's a 2 faced twat and your better of without her in your life.
Tell her to piss of and that you hope it happens to her.

Maybe not but I have anger issues.

DJBaggySmalls · 30/04/2017 15:07

Beaubeagle Now you know what she is really like. I know its raw now, but you are better off without the lot of them Flowers

lizzyj4 · 30/04/2017 15:20

I'd feel exactly the same OP - she's a crap friend and you don't need her in your life.

I would never do this to a friend. She seems to be totally lacking in any kind of empathy.

Nanny0gg · 30/04/2017 15:27

She can be friends with whoever she likes. But so can you and you don't need friends like her.

^^This.

VerySadInside · 30/04/2017 15:27

But you are remarried. Surely you are well over the situation. And I'm guessing your DH plays daddy to your children. Its not the OW or your friend you should be mad at but your ExH. We all have friends who've acted like idiots, presumably this is how your friend sees your Exh and his DP.

BalloonSlayer · 30/04/2017 15:28

she can be friends with whoever she likes

I'd be tempted to reply with " I was just checking I have read the situation right. Yes of course you can be friends with whoever you like. So can I, of course."

Then delete her off FB straight after pressing send.

Peanutbutterrules · 30/04/2017 15:35

I've also been on the other side. My EX told half a dozen friends they had to choose. A couple did, others told him they would have nothing to do with me but maintained the friendship behind his back, others told him to fuck off. I knew nothing of what he'd said for years. He lost his best friend over this. Madness in my view. Our marriage was a nightmare and he shouldn't have dragged everyone into it.

Siwdmae · 30/04/2017 15:38

Those of you saying the friend can be friends with anyone she likes are better people than me. I wouldn't want to know her anymore. Yes, the OP's new husband 'plays' daddy, but he wasn't the other guy in the relationship, it's different entirely.

Blimey01 · 30/04/2017 15:46

I can completely understand why you feel upset Op but becareful what you read into FB posts. FB is the devil's work and it's easy to read into posts. What is the OW like? Is she the kind to post on your DFs FB page to wind you up?
I wouldn't just cut your DF out based on FB posts. You've known her for 30+ years.....meet up and have a chat with her then make your decision whether to continue the friendship.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 30/04/2017 15:48

You're re-married, and her partner and your ex are friends.
She has naturally become friends with both your ex via her husband, and by extension his new partner. There must have been a few years between him leaving and now, she probably doesn't realise it's still such a sore point for you, especially as you have moved on and re married.

I don't think what she's done is betrayal, the OW is a part of her social group and they get on so are now friends. Yes, this OW had an affair with your ex husband, but that doesn't mean she's evil or a bad person, she could be a very likeable, funny and easy to get on with person, and you can't expect everyone else to hate her, cut her out or ignore her just because they also know you/knew you first. She shouldn't have to choose to only be friends with one of you, it's not like she's expecting you to both be at the same get togethers, it's just facebook. If it bothers you to see this OW liking or commenting, you can always unfollow your friends posts so you don't see them but stay friends.

Whileweareonthesubject · 30/04/2017 16:02

Sorry OP. It hurts when you discover someone is not who you thought they were. I don't understand why anyone would feel obligated to accept a friend request on facebook. To the poster who asked if you only have 'close friends ' on FB - I only have actual friends. I don't accept friend requests from casual acquaintances or from work colleagues I wouldn't choose to be friends with outside work. Clearly I'm unusual. IMO, there would be no reason for your friend to be friends with the OW on fb unless she chose to. U couldn't do what she's done to a friend and I would be very hurt if someone did it to me. Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 30/04/2017 16:09

Oh op, just read your update, she is not a friend of yours. She cannot be friends with the OW and your ex, and be friends with you, it is not loyal or what a good friend does, you have found out, that she was not the friend you though she was. Massive hugs FlowersWineCake

Aeroflotgirl · 30/04/2017 16:10

Yes she can be friends with and see who she wants, but she is not a good friend to you, and her reaction tells you this.

kittybiscuits · 30/04/2017 16:12

OP did not insist that people take sides. But HER very long-standing friend has chosen to actively socialise with her ex and the OW he ended the marriage for. Can you not see how inappropriate that is?

LemonCurdles · 30/04/2017 16:31

AlmostAJillSandwich I disagree. I think shes has betrayed the OP.

The OW could be Florence Nightingale or Mother Theresa, if she personally caused my friend pain and suffering I would not have anything to do with her. I couldn't. It would just feel wrong and dirty almost like I was the person cheating on my friend.

I would have politely turned down the social invitations and not engaged on social media with this OW. I would not add further hurt to injury and my loyalties would have to lie with my original friend.

A friend that would not share the same courtesy to me would no longer be my friend.

mumofthemonsters808 · 30/04/2017 17:22

I'm really sorry to hear your update, but you did the right thing, you told her how you feel.There is no point whatsoever pretending we are ok with something when we are not, regardless of what the fall out may be. She could of played her cards very differently, the least she could of done was acknowledge your feelings, but she didn't, you now know exactly where her loyalty lies and where you stand, it is now time for you to close that chapter of your life. No matter how long you have been friends with someone for, you can not allow them to become comfortable with disrespecting you.

Have a good cry today, it stings like hell when a friend hurts us, but I bet my bottom dollar she is not crying, she's probably telling all and sundry how unreasonable you're being.Im thinking of you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/04/2017 17:29

So sorry to hear that Beaubeagle Sad. But hold on to the thought that she's not a nice person. Nice people don't behave like that. And you absolutely do not need a not-nice person in your life. Flowers

Goingtobeawesome · 30/04/2017 17:51

Beaubeagle - I'm sorry to hear that. You know now.

I stopped talking to someone after a huge shock that I couldn't share with them. Nothing from them for months until a long message which I replied too. Barely a handful of texts since. Looks like someone hurting me - the shock - has also cost me a friend. It's horrible.

SheSaidHeSaid · 30/04/2017 18:28

If someone did that to me it'd hurt like hell and there is no doubt I'd remove them from my life.

saracrewe2 · 30/04/2017 22:38

It is good that you have seen where her loyalties lie OP.

Did you ever seek counselling about your marriage? It all seems quite raw for you still.

emmyrose2000 · 30/04/2017 23:15

I've just read your update and am sorry. This person was clearly never your friend. It seems she has the same lack of morals and common decency as your ex and the OW. She'd be dead to me from now on. She did an absolutely revolting thing to you.

NoodleNinja · 01/05/2017 01:03

That is absolutely shit of your friend. There's not much else you can do now except move on from your friend. It's sad, yes, but there's no way I could keep the friendship going if I knew my friend was good friends with the OW after seeing everything you went through.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 01/05/2017 03:58

Shit update. I'm sorry OP.

greenworm · 01/05/2017 04:12

I think especially given that you have since remarried, maybe YAB a bit U. But I guess you feel how you feel, if you don't want to be friends with her if she's also friends with with them, it's your prerogative.

GrommitsEarsHurt · 01/05/2017 04:40

YANBU - I think it's possible to remarry and still feel hurt. It's impossible to fully move on quickly from your hurt, when contact has had to be maintained because of the children. If it had been a clean break with no children, and your ex and OW weren't part of your life at all, it would be much easier to compartmentalise. It must be so hard as it is, without your friend muddying the waters further.