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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feeling hurt by old friend. AIBU/WWYD?

121 replies

Beaubeagle · 29/04/2017 15:20

Bit of background. My exh and I split up after 16 years together (9 years married) when I found he was sleeping with a work colleague (prior to this we had a very good marriage and everyone, including myself, was shocked) We subsequently divorced and he is still with OW. They have our 3DC EOW & 4 weeks per year hols, and although I know the importance of having their father in their lives, the fact that the OW who distroyed my family gets to play happy families with my DC absolutely kills me.

DF is someone I have known since nursery (30+ years). We lost touch during our teens but got back in touch around 9 years ago. We don't see each other that often but have 3 or 4 days out together every year, plus occasional nights out with partners (I'm now remarried) and we frequently FB message. She is my oldest and one of my closest friends.

DF only knew Exh through me. A couple of years before we split, Exh got DF's partner a job in his firm. They didn't work directly with each other but saw each other in passing and we would have occasional nights out as a foursome. Neither my Exh or DF's partner work for the same company anymore as both left some time ago now.

It has come to light recently, via FB, that DF and her partner have being seeing ExH and his OW socially. OW is now listed as a 'friend' of DF and frequently comments on DF's posts, making it obvious that they are more than just acquaintances.

I feel very hurt that DF of years saw everything I went through because of this woman but now she is friends with her. I've not said anything to her because I can't obviously tell someone who they can and can't be friends with, but aibu to feel betrayed and upset? DF has messaged me to ask to arrange a night out with our partners but I haven't replied because I don't know what to say. The OW took my husband, plays 'mum' to my children and now has taken my friend too.

Would you lose an old friend because of OW or should I just accept that she can be friends with whoever she likes, even if it does hurt?

OP posts:

mumofthemonsters808 · 29/04/2017 18:21

For me, it's disloyal behaviour that shows a total lack of respect towards you. You need to tell her how you feel because if you don't you'll churn this over and it will eat you up. The odds are she'll be oblivious to how your feeling, people are that self centred, it's very rare they consider how their behaviour affects others.When you've put your cards on the table, her response needs to be something you are happy with, if not disengage and detach from her.

LadyPW · 29/04/2017 18:47

So everyone that you're friends with on FB is a close friend?
Here's a scenario - DF is on FB, OW is on FB, OW sends DF a friend request because ExH likes DF & DF's DH (back from when he was married) & OW genuinely wants to be friendly (particularly knowing that she was the OW and therefore needs to try twice as hard to be vaguely accepted). DF feels obliged to accept friend request because she doesn't want to appear rude. OW thinks "thank god for that" & tries even harder to be genuinely nice by commenting on some of DF's posts. DF secretly thinks "oh bugger, I hate FB, OP will kill me if she finds out even though she's remarried to someone far better than ExH and would be better off putting the crap behind her & focusing on lovely new DH".
So DF is guilty only of trying to avoid being rude. OW is guilty only of (aside from being OW in the past) trying to be nice to ExH's friends.
OP speaks to DF, DF reassures her, everyone lives happily ever after. THE END.
It's a perfectly reasonable & realistic scenario - just as likely as the OW is stealing bitch DF one. Actually far more likely. And no-one loses any friends.

fourandnomore · 29/04/2017 19:20

Agree with LadyPW as Facebook is very like this for all sorts of reasons. I would maybe mention it and get a feel for the situation, she may really want to speak to you about it and the fact she is making the effort to get together with you means she does care about you. It is very difficult to deal with if not the case but it could very well be that this is the situation, please keep an open mind and give her a chance to respond.

OliviaBenson · 29/04/2017 19:30

It's more than Facebook though- they see each other socially. That's more than an acquaintance.

I feel for you op.

QuitMoaning · 29/04/2017 19:40

This happened to me but before Facebook. The two husbands were best friends so when ex left me they were always going to keep in touch. The wife was my best friend and it hurt so much.
So I cut all contact. It hurt when my son came home and talked about happy families spending time with the other couple and they all went on holiday together.

However, 18 years further on, my friend has just got back in touch via social media and we are talking. It has been very emotional. I am wary as they are still friends with ex and wife but I am considering where I fit in. We were so close that I am reluctant to walk away but it was so painful over the years so I am taking it slowly.
However the fact that the new wife knows and is probably spitting blood is faintly satisfying.

TheStoic · 29/04/2017 20:53

Unless she's completely dense and doesn't realise, she obviously doesn't think she's done anything wrong.

You 'explaining' it to her will only make her defensive, and make you look like the bitter one who has not moved on.

I would cut her off without a word.

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/04/2017 21:19

Talk to her about it. And then cut her out of your life if her explanation doesn't make you feel completely reassured.

That is LOW. Disloyal doesn't even cover it.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 29/04/2017 21:22

She is not a true friend OP, you owe her nothing.

elevenclips · 29/04/2017 21:34

The OW has ousted you from your entire life and put herself in your place. It's shit of your friend to collude in this. I would let the friendship slide tbh, unless she is really so thick she can't see the situation from your perspective.

darwinsbabe · 29/04/2017 21:35

I'd expect her loyalty.

However, I've grown to realise that how I would behave is not necessarily how others behave and people have surprised me and let me down massively in the past by the way they've behaved.

I'd cut your losses and really start to focus on moving on with your life. I know you must be hurting but remember best revenge is your own contentedness

LadyPW · 29/04/2017 21:37

But ExH & OP went out with DF & her DP before the split (and ExH got DP the job) so it's not unreasonable that there would still be social contact. Just because there's a mention on FB doesn't mean they're off on a 6 month world cruise as a 4-some!
OP, it's very easy for posters on here to say LTB but she's supposed to be your long-standing friend, not ours. If you cut contact because of what you read on FB (which is about as accurate a portrayal of friendship as the Daily Mail is of honest news (and good grammar)) then you risk losing a good friend for potentially no proper reason. Personally I don't care whether you do or not - it won't affect my life. But it will affect yours. So try actually talking to your friend first and base your decision on facts rather than on the mass hysteria of complete strangers.

DirtyDancing · 29/04/2017 21:47

^^ I completely agree with Lady it would be a massive shame if you loose your exH and an old, DF as well as a result of this. I would explain to her it hurts, to see her being such good friends with OW, and DH, considering their betrayal. I would suggest to her you will remove her as a friend from FB so you don't have to see their friendship and that you don't wish to hear about them when you meet up

Original poster

Beaubeagle · 30/04/2017 13:55

Thank you for all the replies to my OP.

I finally messaged said friend today because she had sent another message about getting together and told her how I felt. I wasn't confrontational or angry, I just explained how upset I was and I felt uncomfortable making plans whilst I felt like that.

It went exactly as I thought it would. DF was very defensive about the whole thing and the basic response it that she's not going to stop being friends with Exh (not that I'd ask her to) and that she can be friends with whoever she likes. It seems her friendship with Exh is more important (not that they were that close before to my knowledge).

I've been sat here in tears because I've obviously lost one of the few friends I still have, after my divorce, to the OW. 😢

For those asking, my Exh and I separated less than 3 years ago.

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 30/04/2017 13:58

Oh god OP - so sorry to read this. Well done for calling her on it and I guess you've found out who she really is

As painful as it is, it's for the best. You have cleared space in your life for new, loyal friends. Keeping her in your life despite this betrayal would have eaten away at you and damaged your self esteem. You have done the right thing. It will get easier.

pringlecat · 30/04/2017 14:01

Beaubeagle Sorry to hear how upset you are. In much the same way that when you broke up with your ex, you were grieving on some level for the man you thought he was (and will never be), you're grieving for the lovely, loyal friend you thought this woman was (and blatantly isn't). She's not a real person you've lost; rather she's an imaginary ideal. The actual woman is one who put other people before you and didn't have your back in the same way you had hers.

I don't know if the above helps, but it's how I rationalised things to myself when I was in the same situation. It took ages to get over it, but I did. And you will too.

Wando1986 · 30/04/2017 14:07

"the OW who distroyed my family" nah, love, that would be your husband that did that.

Also I think maybe you need to try and move on. Part of that is accepting and understanding that either he loved/liked/enjoyed her more and was selfish in chasing that, or that everything wasn't roses at home like you thought it was.

ToastDemon · 30/04/2017 14:14

I've learned the hard way to expect no loyalty whatever from friends.
It was a painful lesson at the time but now it's quite liberating as I don't feel like I owe anyone any loyalty in return.

LemonCurdles · 30/04/2017 14:17

I really feel for you too OP and would feel exactly the same.

As shit as it, your friend isn't a real friend so you really are better off without her even if it doesn't feel like that now.

I think you're really brave for telling her how you felt even though you knew the shitty response you would get.

I now only make/keep friends who share the same morals and ethics as myself. Lifes too short to waste on people who don't deserve you.

kittybiscuits · 30/04/2017 14:19

Good for you for telling her. From her response her friendship had limited value anyway. I'm sorry it hurts and that you're sad. Time to block and find more loyal friends.

Peanutbutterrules · 30/04/2017 14:45

Actually I'm not sure about this one. Your hurt is understandable and she should at least get that but I don't think you can expect her or her husband to cut off people. We're in a similar situation with DH's ex who causex all sorts of pain and anguish re: access. We can't expect their mutual friends to choose a side so we accept that people will socialise with her despite her treatment of us. I get that its shit; but I won't let her take friends away from us. I suggest you try and talk to your friend about how difficult it is for you and find a way to maintain the friendship for your own sake.

MaryLennoxsScowl · 30/04/2017 14:47

Poor you. My group of friends have tried to stay friends with both sides a split before but in the end it proved impossible and we ended up only friends with our original friend. If it happens again I won't be bothering trying to stay friends with both sides.

However, you aren't the one stuck with a lying cheating bloke, so there's a win for you. Also, the OW may hate having to play families with your kids, for all you know she breathes a sigh of relief when they leave, other people's kids are always hard work and there are enough step parent threads on here to show how difficult it is, I really doubt it's plain sailing for her.

Lelloteddy · 30/04/2017 14:49

I am glad you confronted her. Loyalty costs nothing. She could have been perfectly polite in social settings to OW but has no need to be fawning around her.

Jengnr · 30/04/2017 14:56

She can be friends woth whoever she likes.

But so can you and you don't need friends like her.

QuiteLikely5 · 30/04/2017 15:01

I do think you are straying into uncharted territory when you try to interfere on who people should be friends with.

In your shoes I would have played the long game and held onto your friendship- it doesn't have to be them or us but now you made her choose and you've lost out

elevenclips · 30/04/2017 15:03

She wasn't your friend in that case then OP. It natural for you to feel really upset about this. But it's one of those things where you find out who your true friends are. Although she was a long standing one, she wasn't a true one.

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