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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling hurt by old friend. AIBU/WWYD?

121 replies

Beaubeagle · 29/04/2017 15:20

Bit of background. My exh and I split up after 16 years together (9 years married) when I found he was sleeping with a work colleague (prior to this we had a very good marriage and everyone, including myself, was shocked) We subsequently divorced and he is still with OW. They have our 3DC EOW & 4 weeks per year hols, and although I know the importance of having their father in their lives, the fact that the OW who distroyed my family gets to play happy families with my DC absolutely kills me.

DF is someone I have known since nursery (30+ years). We lost touch during our teens but got back in touch around 9 years ago. We don't see each other that often but have 3 or 4 days out together every year, plus occasional nights out with partners (I'm now remarried) and we frequently FB message. She is my oldest and one of my closest friends.

DF only knew Exh through me. A couple of years before we split, Exh got DF's partner a job in his firm. They didn't work directly with each other but saw each other in passing and we would have occasional nights out as a foursome. Neither my Exh or DF's partner work for the same company anymore as both left some time ago now.

It has come to light recently, via FB, that DF and her partner have being seeing ExH and his OW socially. OW is now listed as a 'friend' of DF and frequently comments on DF's posts, making it obvious that they are more than just acquaintances.

I feel very hurt that DF of years saw everything I went through because of this woman but now she is friends with her. I've not said anything to her because I can't obviously tell someone who they can and can't be friends with, but aibu to feel betrayed and upset? DF has messaged me to ask to arrange a night out with our partners but I haven't replied because I don't know what to say. The OW took my husband, plays 'mum' to my children and now has taken my friend too. Sad

Would you lose an old friend because of OW or should I just accept that she can be friends with whoever she likes, even if it does hurt?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 29/04/2017 16:34

If she is such an old friend, why don't you sit down and have a chat to her about how you feel.

Beeziekn33ze · 29/04/2017 16:36

Thoughtless and unkind. Leave any contact to 'friend' and tell her exactly how she's made you feel.

millifiori · 29/04/2017 16:37

YANBU. It's probably quite a tricky situation for her, but still. And the OW sounds quite creepy to me - climbing into your ready made life like that - your DH, DC and now DF. Ugh. Flesh crawl.

kaitlinktm · 29/04/2017 16:37

I would feel the same way as you OP - have you mentioned her friendship with OW? If not she probably has no inkling that you might be unhappy.

I would leave it until she contacts you again and then say what PP suggests - along the lines of you know they are socialising and it makes you feel uncomfortable as you prefer to keep your distance from X and OW. If she gets annoyed and says she can choose her own friends that will tell you what you need to know - yes of course she can choose her own friends, and so can you.

LynetteScavo · 29/04/2017 16:37

I actually feel hurt on your behalf reading the OP, BUT if you stop contact with your friend the OW will have won everything.

Meet up with your friend with partners and drop into conversation that you're surprised she doesn't feel more loyalty towards you.

Railgunner1 · 29/04/2017 16:38

I'd write her a letter.

Goingtobeawesome · 29/04/2017 16:39

I'd tell her how hurt you are and see how she responds.

AyeAmarok · 29/04/2017 16:39

I would feel the same as you.

However, don't assume from the Facebook comments that they are friendly. There is a huge chance that OW, knowing that you will see the comments, is posting with half a mind (or more) on how much it would irk you to see your good friend and her being friends. She's (OW) probably over-playing the friendship for your benefit.

scottishdiem · 29/04/2017 16:43

She can only react when you tell her how you feel.

She may have felt that since you have remarried that you might have moved on much further than you appear to have and felt that socialising and facebook comments are now acceptable (although neither are a measure of my friendships so I dont know to be honest).

Speak to your friend. No-one is a mind reader.

PhyllisNights · 29/04/2017 16:48

A classic example of breaking the girl code. Block her and let any mutual friends know what she did - they need to be warned.

HappyFlappy · 29/04/2017 16:48

My moral code wouldn't allow me to be friends with someone who had done that to anyone, let alone a friend

What Kitten has said ^

If I had been in your friend's position I would have been publicly courteous but cool, and privately would have had nothing to do with the buggers!

YANBU!

If I were you I would probably let this "friendship" drift.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 29/04/2017 16:59

I think you need to say something to her OP. I would be upset by this too.

SirVixofVixHall · 29/04/2017 17:02

I think that is a massive betrayal of you. I know that people say you shouldn't take sides, but in a situation like this, why wouldn't you? You are her long standing friend, not the OW, or your ex. I would tell her how hurt I was, and depending on how she then reacted, I would drop the friendship.

HoHoHoHo · 29/04/2017 17:14

I think it would be a massive be a massive shame to end a friendship of 30 plus years without talking to her. Perhaps her husband and your ex have become much closer friends and refusing to see her was affecting her relationship. Perhaps she genuinely thought that you wouldn't be hurt as you have moved on and remarried.

I'm not defending her but as she's been such a good friend for so long you should talk to her about it.

Yanbu to be upset though.

wiltingfast · 29/04/2017 17:28

Tbh she is entitled to be friends with the ex and the ow. Who knows what goes on in a marriage or a breakup, one thing for sure, df was not involved.

I think you are externalising your hurts in expecting her to behave like you.

It's understandable, but imo unreasonable .

Personally, I would want to limit the collateral damage of the divorce and not let it extend to ruining a friendship.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/04/2017 17:30

"should I just accept that she can be friends with whoever she likes, even if it does hurt?"
Yes, she can be friends with whoever she likes. But that doesn't mean that you have to remain friends with someone who hurts you (and must have known that this would hurt you). I just could not be friends with someone who would treat someone so badly.

LadyPW · 29/04/2017 17:42

Maybe she thought you wouldn't mind given that you're remarried? It's obviously been a fair amount of time since the split & a lot of people do move on - if you haven't explicitly told her how you still feel about OW (your OP doesn't say you have) then how would she know?

QuintessentialShadow · 29/04/2017 17:49

She can be friends with whomever she likes. That she is chosing OW, means she is not your friend. She has chosen.

I would not count her as my friend any more and move on.

Piratesandpants · 29/04/2017 17:49

I would expect loyalty. Cut her off.

olympicsrock · 29/04/2017 17:50

I would be very very upset by this. I think you need to have a chat with her. Basically even if she apologised and swore to cut contact with them you would never really feel the same way about her so it's a lose lose situation. But I think you owe it to yourself not to be passive. Tell her how crap this behaviour is.

saracrewe2 · 29/04/2017 17:58

However, don't assume from the Facebook comments that they are friendly.

^This. The OW may have sent her a friend request and out of embarrassment/obligation your DF accepted and now the OW keeps commenting. It hardly means they are best friends.

I assume this affair was years ago? People may also feel that you have moved on and are now happy so it is water under the bridge. You need to speak to her OP.

EC22 · 29/04/2017 17:59

Move on!
You're remarried, it's in the past. Ex and her husband are friends, they socialise it needn't be that big a deal. If you're as good friends as you think talk to her about it, take it from there.

dangerrabbit · 29/04/2017 18:03

I would be inclined to have it out with a friend of 30 years rather than just cutting her off with no discussion. Are you still close or is it more of a historical friendship?

Vegansnake · 29/04/2017 18:04

If I was your friend,that's not something in a million years I would do.im loyal to my friends.i would be polite to the ow.but friends with her? Never.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 29/04/2017 18:07

My ethics wouldn't allow me to do what your friend has done. I'm loyal to my friends, and after a bad split you need your friends.

But you want to be sure what's going on. A letter is a good idea, saying you know you have no right to choose her friends but that you're very hurt by her decision. If she rushes to reassure you, that's great and the friendship can be repaired. If not, you have your answer and no need to worry there's been any misunderstanding.