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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to judge people because of their choice of DP

24 replies

silentsusie · 28/04/2017 20:22

I recently discovered that a woman I run into occasionally at social events is about 9 months into a relationship with a guy I work with who I (and several of my colleagues) think is a complete dick. Previously i'd thought she seemed quite nice but now i'm wondering because of who she's dating.

OP posts:

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 28/04/2017 20:24

Maybe she ain't with him for his personality?

OdinsLoveChild · 28/04/2017 20:28

Maybe he's only a 'complete Dick' to you and your colleagues? I know my DH is a complete Dick to his colleagues but he's lovely to me and always has been. I was a bit surprised when I overheard them talking about him in quite a nasty way. He says he isn't bothered because theyre all arses anyway.

OdinsLoveChild · 28/04/2017 20:30

Sorry if that sounds harsh, I didn't meant it to. I've had Gin for the first time in months and its gone to my head

ZilphasHatpin · 28/04/2017 20:32

Maybe he's only a 'complete Dick' to you and your colleagues?

Well then he's still a dick! No surprise he is nice to the person who is having sex with him really is it?

If it was a guy who was a dick to his partner but nice to his colleagues would that mean he wasn't actually a dick?

ZilphasHatpin · 28/04/2017 20:33

Oh and YANBU OP!

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 28/04/2017 20:35

Define 'complete dick'? that can be anything from train spotting to whacking a line up your nose

luckylucky24 · 28/04/2017 20:41

My sister has been with her BF for 5 years. They were 17 at the time.
He has done a few things lately that make me think he is not the person we all thought we were. My sister is clearly bothered by it but choosing to continue the relationship.
I don't judge her for it.

ClemDanfango · 28/04/2017 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Meekonsandwich · 28/04/2017 21:02

Honestly you only see a snapshot of people's relationships, it really depends why you think he's such a dick?

My Dh admits he's an arsehole at work because he manages a large team and wants the job done and he wants it done well. So he takes no prisoners and has this persona of "I take no shit from anyone."

But at home, he'd do anything for me, if I asked him to bring me tea in bed he'd bring it and a hot water bottle too. He's a soft touch with our dog and I only have to ask for something and he will provide.
He just thinks in order to be respected by a team of men many of which are older than him he needs to act like he's made of steel and has no emotions.
It works for him.

Bluntness100 · 28/04/2017 21:06

know my DH is a complete Dick to his colleagues but he's lovely to me and always has been

What? Why is he a complete dick to his colleagues?

And yes I do judge by a partner. Whomever your partner is says s lot about you,

Batteriesallgone · 28/04/2017 21:07

Maybe she is quite nice. Often complete dicks take advantage of nice women, who like to think the best of them.

Maybe remember that she might not be a great judge of character and/or might be a bit flaky. Occasional meeting at social events though - just carry on being nice. Does it matter when she's only an acquaintance anyway?

Bluntness100 · 28/04/2017 21:09

He just thinks in order to be respected by a team of men many of which are older than him he needs to act like he's made of steel and has no emotions

Sounds like he is very insecure to me and possibly not confident in his abilities, I speak as a manager and normally people who behave like that are managers out of their depth and unable to command respect for their abilities. Honestly, I'd suspect he isn't going much further and is struggling hard now.

pictish · 28/04/2017 21:11

Well...why is he a dick?

mycavitiesareempty · 28/04/2017 21:12

I know some very lovely people who are with pillocks. I don't judge them for it because I have also been with some absolute turds. It took me a long time to find my self worth..

ZilphasHatpin · 28/04/2017 21:13

I've a friend who is married to a complete dick who treats her like shite. Her teenage daughter is now dating a man who from what friend tells me is a carbon copy of friends husband. Can't say I'm surprised. Gutted for the girl though.

HoldBackTheRain · 28/04/2017 21:20

YABU. Love really can be blind. My ex turned out to be the worst person I've ever known in real life and I didn't realise it until a LOT of terrible things had happened. Most of my friends told me after that they could see it straight away. One said the hair at the back of her neck stood on end the first time she met him. I really couldn't see it at the time. I look back now and it's the only thing I wish I could change in my life. I would have hated people that saw straight through him to have judged me for being with him.

coffeeslave · 28/04/2017 21:25

YANBU. If someone is with a person who is racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic etc then yes I'd judge them. Being nice to your partner but vile to the world at large isn't a positive thing.

ZilphasHatpin · 28/04/2017 21:28

I really couldn't see it at the time.

Don't you wonder why you couldn't see it when it was so obvious to everyone else?

Ethylred · 28/04/2017 21:32

Judging means assessing. We all do that, all the time, it's part of being sentient. Sometimes the result of the assessment is negative.

OlennasWimple · 28/04/2017 21:35

Maybe she sees a very different side of him? It'd be dumb to write her off as a dick as well without knowing her any better

RedStripeIassie · 28/04/2017 21:43

My husband was always a complete dick at work because he worked senior in a kitchen and had to shout all the time at the front of house staff and the kitchen porters etc. I worked with him briefly so I saw it firsthand. They openly said how surprised they were when they met me to find he had bagged a nice, quiet kind of girl !! They didn't realise he wasn't like that outside of work and it was just a kitchen thing.

ZilphasHatpin · 28/04/2017 21:53

TBH I would expect someone who shouts at staff to only be able to find a quiet partner. Shouty people tend to prefer partners who don't challenge them.

OhTheRoses · 28/04/2017 21:53

I once had coffee in a local teashop with the DC who were about 3 and 6. The lady at the next table was with her mum and sobbing her heart out. Her DH had just left her with tinies, her job was ultra demanding, she couldn't carry on, her boss expected perfection, was exacting and didn't think barristers could successfully litigate part-time. He was clearly a bit of an unsympathetic arse.

She leant over as we left and said what beautiful children I had and burst into tears again. We spent a couple of years on occasional nodding terms.

Then we met at a chambers do and DH introduced me to her. He was her boss - 14/15 years on he still is. I've never told DH, she and I have never mentioned it. He thinks rather highly of her. She wasn't wrong.

QuiteLikely5 · 28/04/2017 21:57

Blah blah blah judge away! Does you think she gives a hoot about what you actually think?

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