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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to worry about handing a child to their parent who's clearly been drinking

114 replies

OopsDearyMe · 28/04/2017 19:55

My dd 8 had a playdate today her mum told me that her dad would collect. The parents aren't together due to alcahol problems.
When the dad arrived he wreaked of alcahol, struggled with eye contact and his eyes were bloodshot.
I let her go but now I'm wondering if I should have told the mum ?
Mum was out on a girls night herself.
Was I right?

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 28/04/2017 21:24

'But I'm shocked you would suggest it'

Really? Shocked that someone would risk a slap on the wrist from the police in order to safeguard a child. I find it more shocking that someone wouldn't do that tbh!

x2boys · 28/04/2017 21:24

honestly though what would the police do, ok , if the dad was falling down drunk and completeley incapable of looking after the child then i,m sure they could do something but in the scenario the ops described ,dad smells of alcohol and the child seems a bit reluctant [for whatever reason ]to go with him his marriage may well have broken down but he still has visting rights i cant see how the police would have any power to anything based on assumptions could they even breathalise him if he wasent drving?

ZilphasHatpin · 28/04/2017 21:24

Grin at the idea the police would breathalyse someone and deem them unfit to look after their child because they were over the drunk driving limit. Okay!

cdtaylornats · 28/04/2017 21:25

If he was going to drive you can intervene to stop him committing a crime.

ZilphasHatpin · 28/04/2017 21:26

What can you do other than call the police CD?

x2boys · 28/04/2017 21:27

i didnt think that Zilpha it was mentioned by a pp.

OlennasWimple · 28/04/2017 21:28

cdtaylornats - can you? How? Using what powers?

ZilphasHatpin · 28/04/2017 21:29

I know x2boys I was responding to them and your post just appeared before I posted.

CMamaof4 · 28/04/2017 21:29

Thatverynightinmaxsroom that actually breaks my heart! Its all so wrong,
Makes me so angry how selfish some parents can be Angry

x2boys · 28/04/2017 21:30

ah ok Zilpha.

Maryhadalittlelambstew · 28/04/2017 21:31

Given another adult had concerns handing the child over, looking into the history, taken into account he was late and got lost...the police would take a very dim view of this and more than likely ask for the other parent to be called and refer to SS.

Its not a malicious allegation and sadly it happens more than you think. Being in the "care" of a drunken adult is extremely damaging for a child.

All in all, whatever legalities surround it and however ludicrous you think police involvement would be its a terribly sad state of affairs and there is absolutely nothing batshit about voicing concerns. If everyone kept quiet when they suspect a child might be at risk there would be even more children out there desperately needing an adult to speak up for them. Its all very sad. I do hope that little girl is ok.

ZilphasHatpin · 28/04/2017 21:32

Again, I never said there was anything batshit about voicing concerns. That wasn't what was being suggested.

CMamaof4 · 28/04/2017 21:35

I know someone who has step children her husband is the resident parent, The step children's mum is an alcoholic and a breath test is done every time she collects her kids from them, and if she fails it she cannot take the children with her. Not sure if they came up with that themselves or whether courts were brought into it but that's what they do. I didn't realise that you could be deemed capable of looking after children when you were drunk, That's awful.

gillybeanz · 28/04/2017 21:39

If I thought the child was in danger because the parent was incapable of parenting then I wouldn't hand them over.
I'd have called the mum and asked her to come and collect.
Yes, I would stop an incapable parent from taking their child.

x2boys · 28/04/2017 21:40

Yes the police probably would refer to ss for safe guarding but ss probably wont come out at once, totally different scenario but a couple of years ago my husband was accused of something serious as our kids were present the police referred it to SS It took several weeks for SS to do a visit also in this scenario the other parent is also out on a night out.

BillSykesDog · 28/04/2017 21:50

If someone has a drink problem and they've started drinking it's unlikely they will stop and he will probably get drunker while he has her with him. I would get hold of the Mum asap.

LornaD40 · 28/04/2017 21:51

If mum was on a night out, would she be any fitter state?

NuffSaidSam · 28/04/2017 21:55

'If mum was on a night out, would she be any fitter state?'

Depends on the mum!

OP posted at 7:55pm so based on a 'normal' girls night of dinner and drinks, she'd probably have been pretty sober...probably just sat on her starter?

She could be teetotal.

Or she could have done a bottle of Vodka while getting ready.

Depends totally on the mum.

RedStripeIassie · 28/04/2017 21:55

I don't know why you're getting such a hard time over this. If dds dad picked her up drunk I'd want the play date parents to contact me and keep her with them till I arrived.

NuffSaidSam · 28/04/2017 21:56

err....I meant had her starter!! Not sat on it!

RedStripeIassie · 28/04/2017 21:57

And to the poster above^^

On a night out I'd probably have had a few but hearing this news would make me stop and be a responsible parent, unlike a parent that's chosen to combine childcare with getting shitfaced in the first place.

LornaD40 · 28/04/2017 21:59

Very true - not making a judgment just wondering!

To be honest, I think if you did what felt right and proportionate at the time and could justify your actions, it would be fine.

Ceto · 28/04/2017 22:00

As I said regarding the knife wielding druggie, it's a bit of a different scenario. Obviously. You would still have no legal right to hold the child from them

Yes, you absolutely would have the legal right to refuse to hand over the child in that situation. It is very well established in law that defence of another is a defence to any charge of kidnapping.

CMamaof4 · 28/04/2017 22:01

Have u heard back from Mum yet op?

cakebaby · 28/04/2017 22:06

Actually there is a power under the children's act where you can keep the child from their caregiver in order to prevent immediate safeguarding concerns. It is used regularly by schools where they do not hand the child back at pickup time where there is an ongoing safeguarding concern. It is not limited to schools however I believe that anyone can use it given the right circumstances. I can't recall which section of the children's act it is unfortunately. Kidnapping would not apply because you have not moved the child anywhere however it could be considered false Imprisonment. I can't imagine any police officer would entertain pursuing anything along those lines given appropriate circumstances and somebody acting in the best interests of the welfare of the child. And remember it's the Crown Prosecution Service decision to go through with the prosecution not the police, not the complainant.