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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my DP

55 replies

WhyShouldYou · 28/04/2017 19:24

DP is doing a sponsored 25 mile (flat) walk in a few weeks and has been doing practice walks for a few weekends while I have the kids. It's a long way but is not significantly outside their comfort zone.

We've relative recently moved and I don't have any local close friends. I don't see many people in my day to day life.

A very good friend has announced a possibility of a rare visit starting the evening DP finishes the walk. They will stay that night and the following day. They have offered to assist me with childcare if DP is unable to due to fatigue, but otherwise the intention would be for us to go out (without kids) the day after the walk to take part in a sport we both enjoy.

I have not had a visit from this friend since last year.

Good friend is very busy so next chance of doing this again is not for a few months.

Apparently IABU, selfish, aggressive, argumentative, not listening etc because I am don't want to put it off until the next slot and not make the evening after the event 'about the achievement' instead of about me and my friend etc.

WIBU

OP posts:
Original poster
WhyShouldYou · 28/04/2017 21:10

I've not been away since August 2016 apart from with DW or for work (proper work).

*Btw, has your DP been going away for entire weekends training?

No.

  • Is it that you are a SAHP with pre-schoolers and barely get a moment away from them?

No. I am stuck to the home due to work.

  • Is it that you usually do a lot of family activities all together at the weekend and feel that everyone has been missing out?

Yes very much so.

  • Would your friend be happy to join in with your family's celebration of DP's achievement that evening?

Definitely.

  • Why do you two need to go off and do the sporting activity the next day? Couldn't you all do something as a family that friend can join in with?

We ideally need to do some training for the August trip. It's one of the last chances due to friend's work commitments.

  • Then DP won't be left in sole charge of the DCs while blistered and sore. 'They' were probably hoping for breakfast in bed and a morning off, I suspect.

Fair point.

  • You gave it away with 'while I have the kids' btw.

:)

  • So she's the main carer and when she has a big achievement you fuck off with your friend and leave her with the kids? A friend you will be seeing for 1.5 weeks later on anyway. YABVU.

I'd not be F'ing off anywhere... until ideally the next day around mid morning. Is that still BVU?

  • A compromise could be for you and your friend to take the kids somewhere on the Sunday.

That was offered in the first instance. See OP.

OP posts:
HicDraconis · 28/04/2017 21:23

Interesting that the first responses (when genders not specified) it is assumed that DP is male and there are "he's childish" "it's not an achievement unless it's run in 3h" "he's lucky he doesn't do it daily with a pot on his head" comments.

Later when the DP is specified as female suddenly it's a big achievement and she's worked hard for it.

Hate the inconsistency of this place sometimes.

OP, for what it's worth I have a big event coming up which I will be working v hard for (adventure race - 20km rafting, 20km biking, 5km navigation/hike). If DH had a friend visiting who could only make it that weekend I'd be very happy for the friend to join the celebrations after, and for DH & friend to do their thing the next day. I think your DW is being childish and slightly selfish.

Guepe · 28/04/2017 21:41

You have a penis? YABVU.

Foxysoxy01 · 28/04/2017 21:51

I would of thought you could celebrate your DW's achievement on the evening of the actual achievement surely?

If you are then around to get her breakfast and get the kids up and sorted in the morning I don't see why there would be a problem with you going out that afternoon and then maybe all of you going out for an evening meal or something.

I imagine there will be single people participating in this sponsored walk and they won't have OH's dedicate a full day on and after the walk just for them.

It seems a bit precious and quite UR to expect 2 days dedicated to one person when saints get less, but then I don't know how you both interact the rest of the time and maybe she feels there are underlying issues and this just broke the camels back.

Chippednailvarnishing · 28/04/2017 21:51

Later when the DP is specified as female suddenly it's a big achievement and she's worked hard for it

It hasn't changed my opinion in the slightest.

insideoutoutsidein · 28/04/2017 21:55

Wow, I never thought I'd be guilty of sexism. Have to say, I'm slightly annoyed with myself.

Tenerife2015 · 28/04/2017 22:07

Woah funny have the tables have turned now that OP is actually a man! Typical MN!

Original poster
WhyShouldYou · 28/04/2017 22:09

It should be biased here for two reasons:

  1. It's MUM's net.
  1. The entire world is biased against women.

So.. oh.. actually maybe it balances out.

That's why I felt motivated to vent/ask in here in suppose.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 28/04/2017 22:09

I think the relevant issue (other then significance of achievement for Op's DP) is whether one parent is 'default child carer' outside working hours - and whether that is fair.

There is something of making a big deal of 'having the kids' for a few weekend days by OP (it would be unusual for a woman to say that, as if it was a notable incident). There also appears to be an assumption that, when his friend visits, he can assume DP will have the DCs, unless she's injured.

That's an impression based on the words OP typed and there will be so much more to their relationship dynamic that is relevant to them, of course.

VerySadInside · 28/04/2017 22:24

I think YANBU.

It's a 25 mile walk not a Doctorate. Tell her to suck it up, accept a lift home, hug and well done and then get on with the weekend. I'm guessing she chose to do this and wasn't forced into it.

She is basically demanding attention for the whole weekend. Very selfish.

Original poster
WhyShouldYou · 28/04/2017 22:31

lottiegarbanzo - yes you made me double check myself and you have made two very accurate assessments.

DW is the default carer. Sometimes it's not 'fair', to my advantage.

And you're spot on that I had assumed that she would be primary carer 'if' she's well enough the next day... which would put some pressure on her to be so or to appear to be a bit... pants. So my offer to cover 'if' needed wasn't a great offer.

I also see it from my own point of view and am smarting from DW's many accusations and tone of voice.... but I read a book* which convinced me that in arguments we have a super clever internal lawyer (and an elephant and a rider) which jumps to our defence and makes us feel hugely justified regardless of viewpoint... and I think it's hit the nail on the head and I think I may have now had more than my quota of white wine!

Good night and thank you all!!!

*The Happiness Hypothesis (this is not an advert!)

OP posts:
IhatchedaSnorlax · 28/04/2017 22:35

I haven't changed my opinion since learning the genders - just make sure to stick to your promises of your visitor being no problem for your wife (so you do all cleaning / hosting duties etc) & looking after the DCs whilst she rests (if necessary).

AuntMabel · 28/04/2017 22:44

Is the event the moonwalk? A full marathon length 'flat walk' that takes place overnight?

Original poster
WhyShouldYou · 28/04/2017 22:55
  • Is the event the moonwalk? A full marathon length 'flat walk' that takes place overnight?

No it's during the day.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 28/04/2017 23:07

I think you're being unreasonable.

It's 'her' weekend and now you're imposing someone on her that she'd rather you didn't. It's immaterial whether he'd join in or not, she clearly doesn't want him to.

She's the default carer, it's really not that much to ask that you're the 'carer' for one weekend when she gets to focus on herself, nor is it much to ask that YOUR focus is on HER not your mate, for one weekend.

robinia · 29/04/2017 07:27

Except that op has supported dw through all her training and now wants one day to do some training for his event with his mate who he gets to see only a few times a year.

MidniteScribbler · 29/04/2017 07:37

You get a week and a half away from your family each year to do your sport, and yet your begrudge your wife one weekend to do her own?

You should actually look after your own children on the day after and give her a break, rather than putting your own wants first again by disappearing and going off to do this sport of yours again (let me guess, golf?).

FrenchMartiniTime · 29/04/2017 08:13

Wow, typical mumsnet.

Now we know the OP is the DH he is suddenly being unreasonable??

When it was assumd the walk was being done by the DH he was being selfish and a petulant child but how it's the wife it's OP who is in the wrong and the wife should be able to celebrate her huge achievement?

Hmm
MrsBobDylan · 29/04/2017 08:16

You did sound a bit dismissive of your partners walk because you said it was on the flat, if she's read your op She may have picked up on that and feel angry. I would.

She just sounds like she wants to switch off after her achievement and honestly, it is almost impossible to do that when there is a guest in the house, particularly one she's not keen on.

1.5 weeks each year to do your hobby is a great perk when you've got kids. I think you've lost sight of that. I also think you are ignoring the fact your wife doesn't get on well with your friend and itust be awkward for her when he's in her home at the best of times.

MrsBobDylan · 29/04/2017 08:24

Also, you and your wife are throwing some pretty big, emotionally charged words at each other and it sounds like you have real issues communicating with each other. Calling someone 'abusive' is a serious accusation and you've both made it to each other in the context of a weekend where you both want something different. I think you both need to take a deep breath and try and have an actual conversation rather than chucking about the big dramatic words.

Sunshineandeggshells · 29/04/2017 08:31

Are you up yet OP or are you still in bed when DW has been up for two hours already with the kids?

Moussemoose · 29/04/2017 08:40

The sex of the partner is irrelevant. The going away for weeks at a time leaving her with 4 kids is. You can't give her one weekend while you take full responsibility, but you expect her to facilitate your hobby on a regular basis.

Brokenbiscuit · 29/04/2017 08:50

I don't think the genders matter here. I'm not really sure if it matters who is the default carer for the kids - presumably they both work hard. However, I do think it's relevant that the OP goes away with his friend for 1.5 weeks every August - it's not as if he never gets to spend any time with this particular friend.

I can see both points of view tbh. If the OP has promised to clean the house/do all the hosting and take the kids the next day if needed, then he isn't actually asking his dw to do very much at all. However, I know that the last thing I want in the world when I'm exhausted is house guests - I can't relax in the same way when we have people staying, and I've previously told dh not to invite people at certain times.

Actually, reflecting on my own feelings about house guests, perhaps gender does come in to it after all. Subconsciously, perhaps I feel that it reflects badly on me if the house isn't pristine, not us. God knows why, as rationally I know that dh and I are equally responsible for the house, but I've obviously internalized some of the old stereotypes - I'd probably feel that even more if I was a sahp. And I'd also find it very hard to just sit and relax if we had guests, as I'd feel obliged to go into "hosting" mode, which is bloody hard work when you don't feel like it!

Gwenci · 29/04/2017 08:58

I think your DW is being a bit unreasonable.

I'm about to do my first ever half marathon having only taken up running a few months ago. It feels like a massive achievement to me but no way will I be expecting DH to be making the whole weekend about me. Once it's done I hope for a congratulatory cuddle and maybe an 'I'm proud of you' then we'll all get on with our lives.

I'd have no problem with a friend coming over the same evening as my event.

And yes, you get a decent amount of time each year to do your hobby but she's had her time to do her training walks. It sounds like you both make time and allowances for each other's interests/hobbies/endeavours and that's brilliant.

Penfold007 · 29/04/2017 09:06

OP when is your DW getting her ten days away whilst you have the DC?

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