AIBU or is my DP

[WhyShouldYou]

DP is doing a sponsored 25 mile (flat) walk in a few weeks and has been doing practice walks for a few weekends while I have the kids. It's a long way but is not significantly outside their comfort zone.

We've relative recently moved and I don't have any local close friends. I don't see many people in my day to day life.

A very good friend has announced a possibility of a rare visit starting the evening DP finishes the walk. They will stay that night and the following day. They have offered to assist me with childcare if DP is unable to due to fatigue, but otherwise the intention would be for us to go out (without kids) the day after the walk to take part in a sport we both enjoy.

I have not had a visit from this friend since last year.

Good friend is very busy so next chance of doing this again is not for a few months.

Apparently IABU, selfish, aggressive, argumentative, not listening etc because I am don't want to put it off until the next slot and not make the evening after the event 'about the achievement' instead of about me and my friend etc.

WIBU

[pangolina]

I think she is being a bit dramatic. A 25m walk isn't spectacular.
I don't see a problem if you make the house ready etc and take the kids on Sunday if she's not up to it.

[BastardGoDarkly]

I think she's being a teensy bit U. If you clean the house, make dinner, and sort kids next morning, giving her a lay in, she could maybe suck up your friend being there on her weekend.

I understand her pov in regards to the imbalance of child free time though.

[AlternativeTentacle]

Regardless of the walk - why are you bringing someone she doesn't like into her home?

[lottiegarbanzo]

Back again, not obsessed really, just that sometimes threads run on in my head like conversations.

Imagine this - forget the special circs of the walk for now. Your wife announces that her friend could visit one weekend, Saturday night and Sunday. You say 'great, of course' because it's good for her to see her friends (even if you find this one a bit annoying). It's only one night after all, no big deal.

But imagine if, in her saying 'my friend could come' - the implicit assumption is that you will clean the whole house, change the sheets, plan, shop for and prepare a nice dinner, then act as charming host. Clear up (maybe she'll help with that?). Then, look after the kids the next day. Because of course it's normal for her to assume she and friend can go off and do their thing. This doesn't even need to be vocalised, or framed as a request, it's assumed. She might check in a presumptive manner 'it is ok if we go and do this isn't it?'. She will be surprised and might get a bit stroppy if you say no.

If she does offer to help, by doing some cleaning, cooking, or looking after the kids, that's really kind and putting herself out for you. You should be really grateful.

Now, throw in the walk - the big sporting event you've been training for and are looking forward to completing, celebrating with your family and hoping for a bit of a rest and perhaps a nice family activity the next day.

(Oh, she regularly takes a whole holiday away from the family, leaving you in sole charge of everything, for her sport. This is your one whole weekend dedicated to your sport - or so you thought).

Do you see how she might feel?

Do you see how very easy it is for you to say 'I wanted her to say "of course he should come, how nice for you". Which is a bit selfish of me. But it's what I think I'd have said if she had a good friend coming to stay on any day, ever.' How very, very different it is for her to say this to you - if she is doing all the work associated with either of you having friends over?

Personally I just don't get the 'default carer at weekends' thing, or the default doer of housework thing. Why would this not all be shared equally? Why would you not have equal leisure time, equal opportunity to take a weekend day to do your own thing, without it being a big deal, equal opportunity to go away for ten days, just because you want to?

What I would say, is that doing things more equally requires constant low-level negotiation, so good communication.

[MidniteScribbler]

I can see why she may perceive it as a lack of support.

One of the reasons my exdh and I broke up was that he couldn't support me in my own hobby. I came home after an extremely big win one day and got 'is that what you wasted your day on?' (whilst he had sat at the desk and played video games all day).

I cannot understand why anyone runs marathons, but if it were important to my partner, then I would put some effort into making sure they understood I was proud of their achievements, because it is taking an interest in something that is important to them.