AIBU or is my DP

[WhyShouldYou]

DP is doing a sponsored 25 mile (flat) walk in a few weeks and has been doing practice walks for a few weekends while I have the kids. It's a long way but is not significantly outside their comfort zone.

We've relative recently moved and I don't have any local close friends. I don't see many people in my day to day life.

A very good friend has announced a possibility of a rare visit starting the evening DP finishes the walk. They will stay that night and the following day. They have offered to assist me with childcare if DP is unable to due to fatigue, but otherwise the intention would be for us to go out (without kids) the day after the walk to take part in a sport we both enjoy.

I have not had a visit from this friend since last year.

Good friend is very busy so next chance of doing this again is not for a few months.

Apparently IABU, selfish, aggressive, argumentative, not listening etc because I am don't want to put it off until the next slot and not make the evening after the event 'about the achievement' instead of about me and my friend etc.

WIBU

[MidniteScribbler]

I can see why she may perceive it as a lack of support.

One of the reasons my exdh and I broke up was that he couldn't support me in my own hobby. I came home after an extremely big win one day and got 'is that what you wasted your day on?' (whilst he had sat at the desk and played video games all day).

I cannot understand why anyone runs marathons, but if it were important to my partner, then I would put some effort into making sure they understood I was proud of their achievements, because it is taking an interest in something that is important to them.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Back again, not obsessed really, just that sometimes threads run on in my head like conversations.

Imagine this - forget the special circs of the walk for now. Your wife announces that her friend could visit one weekend, Saturday night and Sunday. You say 'great, of course' because it's good for her to see her friends (even if you find this one a bit annoying). It's only one night after all, no big deal.

But imagine if, in her saying 'my friend could come' - the implicit assumption is that you will clean the whole house, change the sheets, plan, shop for and prepare a nice dinner, then act as charming host. Clear up (maybe she'll help with that?). Then, look after the kids the next day. Because of course it's normal for her to assume she and friend can go off and do their thing. This doesn't even need to be vocalised, or framed as a request, it's assumed. She might check in a presumptive manner 'it is ok if we go and do this isn't it?'. She will be surprised and might get a bit stroppy if you say no.

If she does offer to help, by doing some cleaning, cooking, or looking after the kids, that's really kind and putting herself out for you. You should be really grateful.

Now, throw in the walk - the big sporting event you've been training for and are looking forward to completing, celebrating with your family and hoping for a bit of a rest and perhaps a nice family activity the next day.

(Oh, she regularly takes a whole holiday away from the family, leaving you in sole charge of everything, for her sport. This is your one whole weekend dedicated to your sport - or so you thought).

Do you see how she might feel?

Do you see how very easy it is for you to say 'I wanted her to say "of course he should come, how nice for you". Which is a bit selfish of me. But it's what I think I'd have said if she had a good friend coming to stay on any day, ever.' How very, very different it is for her to say this to you - if she is doing all the work associated with either of you having friends over?

Personally I just don't get the 'default carer at weekends' thing, or the default doer of housework thing. Why would this not all be shared equally? Why would you not have equal leisure time, equal opportunity to take a weekend day to do your own thing, without it being a big deal, equal opportunity to go away for ten days, just because you want to?

What I would say, is that doing things more equally requires constant low-level negotiation, so good communication.

[AlternativeTentacle]

Regardless of the walk - why are you bringing someone she doesn't like into her home?

[BastardGoDarkly]

I think she's being a teensy bit U. If you clean the house, make dinner, and sort kids next morning, giving her a lay in, she could maybe suck up your friend being there on her weekend.

I understand her pov in regards to the imbalance of child free time though.

[pangolina]

I think she is being a bit dramatic. A 25m walk isn't spectacular.
I don't see a problem if you make the house ready etc and take the kids on Sunday if she's not up to it.

[Penfold007]

OP when is your DW getting her ten days away whilst you have the DC?

[Gwenci]

I think your DW is being a bit unreasonable.

I'm about to do my first ever half marathon having only taken up running a few months ago. It feels like a massive achievement to me but no way will I be expecting DH to be making the whole weekend about me. Once it's done I hope for a congratulatory cuddle and maybe an 'I'm proud of you' then we'll all get on with our lives.

I'd have no problem with a friend coming over the same evening as my event.

And yes, you get a decent amount of time each year to do your hobby but she's had her time to do her training walks. It sounds like you both make time and allowances for each other's interests/hobbies/endeavours and that's brilliant.

[Brokenbiscuit]

I don't think the genders matter here. I'm not really sure if it matters who is the default carer for the kids - presumably they both work hard. However, I do think it's relevant that the OP goes away with his friend for 1.5 weeks every August - it's not as if he never gets to spend any time with this particular friend.

I can see both points of view tbh. If the OP has promised to clean the house/do all the hosting and take the kids the next day if needed, then he isn't actually asking his dw to do very much at all. However, I know that the last thing I want in the world when I'm exhausted is house guests - I can't relax in the same way when we have people staying, and I've previously told dh not to invite people at certain times.

Actually, reflecting on my own feelings about house guests, perhaps gender does come in to it after all. Subconsciously, perhaps I feel that it reflects badly on me if the house isn't pristine, not us. God knows why, as rationally I know that dh and I are equally responsible for the house, but I've obviously internalized some of the old stereotypes - I'd probably feel that even more if I was a sahp. And I'd also find it very hard to just sit and relax if we had guests, as I'd feel obliged to go into "hosting" mode, which is bloody hard work when you don't feel like it!

[Moussemoose]

The sex of the partner is irrelevant. The going away for weeks at a time leaving her with 4 kids is. You can't give her one weekend while you take full responsibility, but you expect her to facilitate your hobby on a regular basis.

[Sunshineandeggshells]

Are you up yet OP or are you still in bed when DW has been up for two hours already with the kids?

[MrsBobDylan]

Also, you and your wife are throwing some pretty big, emotionally charged words at each other and it sounds like you have real issues communicating with each other. Calling someone 'abusive' is a serious accusation and you've both made it to each other in the context of a weekend where you both want something different. I think you both need to take a deep breath and try and have an actual conversation rather than chucking about the big dramatic words.

[MrsBobDylan]

You did sound a bit dismissive of your partners walk because you said it was on the flat, if she's read your op She may have picked up on that and feel angry. I would.

She just sounds like she wants to switch off after her achievement and honestly, it is almost impossible to do that when there is a guest in the house, particularly one she's not keen on.

1.5 weeks each year to do your hobby is a great perk when you've got kids. I think you've lost sight of that. I also think you are ignoring the fact your wife doesn't get on well with your friend and itust be awkward for her when he's in her home at the best of times.

[FrenchMartiniTime]

Wow, typical mumsnet.

Now we know the OP is the DH he is suddenly being unreasonable??

When it was assumd the walk was being done by the DH he was being selfish and a petulant child but how it's the wife it's OP who is in the wrong and the wife should be able to celebrate her huge achievement?

[MidniteScribbler]

You get a week and a half away from your family each year to do your sport, and yet your begrudge your wife one weekend to do her own?

You should actually look after your own children on the day after and give her a break, rather than putting your own wants first again by disappearing and going off to do this sport of yours again (let me guess, golf?).

[robinia]

Except that op has supported dw through all her training and now wants one day to do some training for his event with his mate who he gets to see only a few times a year.

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

I think you're being unreasonable.

It's 'her' weekend and now you're imposing someone on her that she'd rather you didn't. It's immaterial whether he'd join in or not, she clearly doesn't want him to.

She's the default carer, it's really not that much to ask that you're the 'carer' for one weekend when she gets to focus on herself, nor is it much to ask that YOUR focus is on HER not your mate, for one weekend.

[WhyShouldYou]

• Is the event the moonwalk? A full marathon length 'flat walk' that takes place overnight?
  
  No it's during the day.

[AuntMabel]

Is the event the moonwalk? A full marathon length 'flat walk' that takes place overnight?

[IhatchedaSnorlax]

I haven't changed my opinion since learning the genders - just make sure to stick to your promises of your visitor being no problem for your wife (so you do all cleaning / hosting duties etc) & looking after the DCs whilst she rests (if necessary).

[WhyShouldYou]

lottiegarbanzo - yes you made me double check myself and you have made two very accurate assessments.

DW is the default carer. Sometimes it's not 'fair', to my advantage.

And you're spot on that I had assumed that she would be primary carer 'if' she's well enough the next day... which would put some pressure on her to be so or to appear to be a bit... pants. So my offer to cover 'if' needed wasn't a great offer.

I also see it from my own point of view and am smarting from DW's many accusations and tone of voice.... but I read a book* which convinced me that in arguments we have a super clever internal lawyer (and an elephant and a rider) which jumps to our defence and makes us feel hugely justified regardless of viewpoint... and I think it's hit the nail on the head and I think I may have now had more than my quota of white wine!

Good night and thank you all!!!


*The Happiness Hypothesis (this is not an advert!)

[VerySadInside]

I think YANBU.

It's a 25 mile walk not a Doctorate. Tell her to suck it up, accept a lift home, hug and well done and then get on with the weekend. I'm guessing she chose to do this and wasn't forced into it.

She is basically demanding attention for the whole weekend. Very selfish.

[lottiegarbanzo]

I think the relevant issue (other then significance of achievement for Op's DP) is whether one parent is 'default child carer' outside working hours - and whether that is fair.

There is something of making a big deal of 'having the kids' for a few weekend days by OP (it would be unusual for a woman to say that, as if it was a notable incident). There also appears to be an assumption that, when his friend visits, he can assume DP will have the DCs, unless she's injured.

That's an impression based on the words OP typed and there will be so much more to their relationship dynamic that is relevant to them, of course.

[WhyShouldYou]

It should be biased here for two reasons:

1. It's MUM's net.
   

1. The entire world is biased against women.
   

So.. oh.. actually maybe it balances out.

That's why I felt motivated to vent/ask in here in suppose.

[Tenerife2015]

Woah funny have the tables have turned now that OP is actually a man! Typical MN!

[insideoutoutsidein]

Wow, I never thought I'd be guilty of sexism. Have to say, I'm slightly annoyed with myself.