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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed at DH

56 replies

OscartheWildebeest · 27/04/2017 13:28

My husband has been away working in Asia (we are Europe based) for 10 years now. We manage our long distance relationship quite well (even though some of my so-called male friends don't seem to get the message that I'm still in a relationship, even though DH is a long way away, and keep hitting on me Confused), but of course it's hard on our DS, who hasn't got used to only seeing his DF a couple of times a year.

Everything was fine, until DH announced that he'd need to stay a bit longer in his job, in order to get the promotion he wants to be able to move back (it's such a weird situation- I know.) He says that I am U for being irritated and disappointed about him not coming back soon.

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
GlitteralHood · 27/04/2017 13:31

Sorry but it sounds like your DH has checked out of family life. Seeing your DS only twice a year is horrible. That's not being a parent.

I suspect he's looked at the prospect of a proper family life and thought "no thanks" and engineered a way to stay away.

YANBU but YABU to be surprised and to put up with this situation in the first place.

How old is your DS?

Original poster
OscartheWildebeest · 27/04/2017 13:33

@GlitteralHood
He's 14- It looks like you might be right, but I still love DH enormously and can't bear the thought of a divorce Sad

OP posts:
ambereeree · 27/04/2017 13:34

I guess you are disappointed but your DH is obviously in a difficult position. If he needs the promotion to come back then he has to stay.

BrickInTheWall · 27/04/2017 13:34

I can't believe you have managed 10 years like this! Was there no option of you moving with your DH?
I'm impressed you've managed to keep a relationship going so long only seeing each other a couple of times a year.. I would probably be insisting on DH finding another job after about a year!!

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 27/04/2017 13:35

Ten years OP? Ten years of only seeing you and his son twice a year?

I don't know what to say.

Original poster
OscartheWildebeest · 27/04/2017 13:36

@BrickInTheWall
Haha- thank you. Just the power of love and Skype! It's a horrible situation though- thinking about him with all his mates and all the years of DS's life he's missing out on

OP posts:
GlitteralHood · 27/04/2017 13:41

That's so sad for your DS and awful for you having to parent basically alone.

I bet his plan is to eek out another 4 years in Asia, wait until your DS is independent and then move back to pick up with you where he left off.

Ferrisday · 27/04/2017 13:44

I don't think there's an excuse for not visiting. Flights really don't cost that much Confused

RaspberryOverloadsOnChilli · 27/04/2017 13:47

I might accept my DP doing this for one year, but 10? Never, that's no way a real relationship. I agree with others that your DH has checked out of your relationship, and being so far away, he's no parent to your DS.

Mamabear14 · 27/04/2017 13:48

I would be thinking he has another life, and possibly family in Asia. Do you go out there? Do you know the ins and outs of his life there? It seems so odd he is essentially a single bloke apart from a couple of times a year where he dips into family life when it suits him.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 27/04/2017 13:50

I don't normally jump to the conclusion of another woman, but reading your OP, it sounds very likely.

He also sounds like a right shit... 10 years, wtf?

FizzyGreenWater · 27/04/2017 13:58

But he's not really your partner... or a Dad... any more, if he ever has been, surely?

I'm quite baffled by your post - it's been ten years in which you've presumably carved out a completely single parent life for yourself, have friends, situations, a life that your DH has never been part of. How can you still feel that he's your husband in any meaningful way?

If your son has been grieving his lack of a Dad for so long that is tragic. I assume that's what you mean by 'not getting used to' his absence. I imagine it's very hard for him.

Your post reads more as if he's just been away for six months or something. But your son has hardly ever known different. You've lived separate lives as far away from being a family as you can imagine, for a decade.

Have you ever visited - for a decent amount of time, not just a week's 'holiday'?

I'd be astonished if your DH's life out there doesn't encompass far more than he is letting on. Suddenly when he's due to come back, whoops, he 'has to' stay longer to get a promotion?

He's not exactly pining, is he? I smell some bullshit.

I don't think he wants to come back.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/04/2017 14:00

All his mates?

Right. So he's living the life of a single guy, no responsibilities - no parenting - then he comes back with gifts and plays Dad twice a year. Oh and Skype.

He isn't your son's parent. It's probably too late now for him to ever be.

But it doesn't sound like he's ever wanted to be either.

Nobody needs to spend a decade abroad in a job if they don't at some level want to.

Hairyfairy01 · 27/04/2017 14:03

Why does he need the promotion? Are you in loads of debt or live in a tiny property that needs total renovation?

GlitteralHood · 27/04/2017 14:05

I agree, I think he probably has another family in Asia.

Sorry OP

emmalie · 27/04/2017 14:07

Oh dearConfused
Are you sure he's not living a double life?

When you do see him do you go there or does he come here and for how long?

What made you decide not do go with him? Could you move out there?

HermioneJeanGranger · 27/04/2017 14:16

I would bet money on him having another partner or family over there.

Ten years and you see him twice a year for I assume a couple ofThat's not a relationship

silkpyjamasallday · 27/04/2017 14:16

Oh OP I'm sorry, I don't think it sounds good, my father was working away when I was a child all over the world Africa, Asia, America so we didn't see him much, but it was more than a few times a year!

Does he speak to your DS regularly on the phone or on Skype? Could you not join him during DSs school holidays?
After ten years of it being this way I would be asking questions too OP, he must be earning a good salary to justify working away, do you have access to bank accounts to check where all the money is going?
Any chance these male friends who are hitting on you know something about your DH that you don't? If they know he has cheated or has a relationship or family in Asia perhaps they think you know and want the same?

HermioneJeanGranger · 27/04/2017 14:17

Oops sorry.

You only see him for a couple of weeks twice a year - what's the point?

I don't understand why either of you are willing to live like this. Why can't he get a job here, or you move there?

But like I said, he probably has another family or another wife/girlfriend on the go so why would he want/need to come back?

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 27/04/2017 14:18

Wait til the half siblings come out of the woodwork. .

Chloe1984 · 27/04/2017 14:25

Today 14:18 Justmadeperfectflapjacks

Wait til the half siblings come out of the woodwork. .

Wow, charming comment for the OP to read.

Hoppinggreen · 27/04/2017 14:27

It's Asia not the bloody moon - he could come back every couple of months if he wanted to
Also, I imagine you would find it very hard if/when he came home permanently. It would be like starting a new relationship

Kinraddie · 27/04/2017 14:29

Why can't you and your son go and live with him? It doesn't seem right and isn't setting your son a good example of a loving family relationship. You must get very lonely, I hope you have a good network of friends around you.

ButtMuncher · 27/04/2017 14:31

Aside from the fact twice a year to see his son (never mind his wife) is bonkers and a seperate issue aside - how much longer is 'longer' OP? If it's six months I don't see the issue, seeing as you and your DS have effectively lived as a single parent household for a decade.

But twice a year to see his son is really shitty tbh. Presumably he earns a lot of money otherwise I don't see why he's out there for that length of time, so why can't he see him more often? My exes father worked in the Emirates, so only came back five or six times a year, but my ex was 30 ffs!

WitchQueenofNewOrleans · 27/04/2017 14:32

I know a bit about expat life in Asia.
I'm surprised you haven't been to see him in Asia yourself. Any country bar North Korea would be worth visiting, an many companies pay for spouses and children to go out every year.

Sadly, many of the chaps do have "local" girlfriends, and there can be a seedy side to expat life - well paid contractors splashing their money in seedy bars, going on "golfing" trips (but really going to visit brothels) etc.