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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed at DH

56 replies

OscartheWildebeest · 27/04/2017 13:28

My husband has been away working in Asia (we are Europe based) for 10 years now. We manage our long distance relationship quite well (even though some of my so-called male friends don't seem to get the message that I'm still in a relationship, even though DH is a long way away, and keep hitting on me Confused), but of course it's hard on our DS, who hasn't got used to only seeing his DF a couple of times a year.

Everything was fine, until DH announced that he'd need to stay a bit longer in his job, in order to get the promotion he wants to be able to move back (it's such a weird situation- I know.) He says that I am U for being irritated and disappointed about him not coming back soon.

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
weechops · 27/04/2017 14:36

Oh op you poor love. I've never replied to a thread like this before, but you sound so much like me I feel I have to.
My dh does (did) similar. Worked in Asia, we are in the U.K. The job was supposed to last a year, the money he earned should have been fantastic and would have paid off our debt and allowed us to buy a bigger house. Notice I said should have.
Turns out he embraced the 'single life' a bit too much and had an affair which carried on through messaging when he came home.
I'd have bet my life on my dh never cheating. I had blind faith in him. However he changed while he was there. Our marriage is limping on but I just found out today he has another job over there. He's selling it to me as a fabulous opportunity. But it's not. So it's the end for us. I have 4 young dc.
Please don't let love and faith blind you to the fact that it is extremely easy to have two lives on the go. And yes I got the whole 'but just a few more months means a promotion and better money for "us"'
I hope that things work out for you, I really do, but try to protect yourself and your dc as much as possible just in case.

ambereeree · 27/04/2017 14:46

I've lived in Asia for work and yes it's true- a lot of men have local girlfriends or wives. Its quite a traditional place so single men are often looked at with suspicion. Why haven't you joined him?

peachgreen · 27/04/2017 14:46

This thread has made me so sad. Oh OP, I really hope whatever happens you end up happy and fulfilled in all the ways you deserve.

DixieFlatline · 27/04/2017 14:47

Do you even love him or is it just the idea you've developed of him, if you barely see him and basically never spend real day-to-day life time with him?

Mrsknackered · 27/04/2017 15:55

Oh op, this stuff can't be nice to read.
How much longer is this extension?
I can't imagine how you would all fit back together when he returned home either.
He sounds like a crappy dad and a crappy husband.
I hope you are okayFlowers

Original poster
OscartheWildebeest · 27/04/2017 23:00

Thank you so much everyone- you've given me a lot to think about, and I certainly will investigate your other family idea- feeling a bit too numb atm though Sad

OP posts:
owenjonesismyhero · 27/04/2017 23:06

Oh OP, husband and father in name only, what is the point of him?

Do you go and visit ? Surely if you went over for hols and half terms and he came ver too, that would be more than twice a year to see his wife and child? If you haven't then I'm wondering what he is hiding...... Sad

emmyrose2000 · 28/04/2017 01:10

Why didn't you and DS go with him originally?

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/04/2017 01:18

He's been there from when your DS was 4 to 14? Wow, that's not really parenting, is it?

I'm with everyone who thinks he either has a family or a series of girlfriends.

I was with DH when he was 5000 miles away for 18 months and we managed once every three months. Which was hard. But twice a year is nothing.

LineysRun · 28/04/2017 01:22

weechops and OP Flowers sounds so grim

ambereeree · 28/04/2017 12:52

OP I hope you're ok Flowers

caz323 · 28/04/2017 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

caz323 · 28/04/2017 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

floraeasy · 28/04/2017 13:18

Grin caz323 I thought OP's DH was staying in Asia until she sorted her bolognese out!!!!!

floraeasy · 28/04/2017 13:21

Sorry, OP, didn't mean to make light of your situation there.

Ten years is a long, long time to be working away!! Now he wants to stay even longer? There will always be more money to be earned and promotions to chase after, but your DS is growing up fast.

I'd be pretty let down and angry about this too.

floraeasy · 28/04/2017 13:28

Situations like this always make me think of that 70s song:-

My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch, and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talking 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
He'd say, I'm gonna be like you, dad
You know I'm gonna be like you

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you coming home, dad?
I don't know when
But we'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then

My son turned ten just the other day
He said, thanks for the ball, dad, come on let's play
Can you teach me to throw, I said, not today
I got a lot to do, he said, that's okay
And he walked away, but his smile never dimmed
Said, I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be like him

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you coming home, dad?
I don't know when
But we'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then

Well, he came from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
Son, I'm proud of you
Can you sit for a while?
He shook his head, and he said with a smile
What I'd really like, dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later
Can I have them please?

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you coming home, dad?
I don't know when
But we'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then

I've long since retired and my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, I'd like to see you if you don't mind
He said, I'd love to, dad, if I could find the time
You see, my new job's a hassle, and the kid's got the flu
But it's sure nice talking to you, dad
It's been sure nice talking to you
And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you coming home, dad?
I don't know when
But we'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then

Writer/s: HARRY F. CHAPIN, SANDY CHAPIN

Socksey · 28/04/2017 13:32

Hi OP....
I'm in much the same situation... my OH has been in the same job for just about 10 years, and like you we see him once or twice a year... prior to that he also worked away for long periods of time but I saw him more frequently....
It's hard... but if staying out there another year or so means that he will be able to come back to Europe in an equivalent job etc... it will be worth it...
Realistically, what will be hard is having him underfoot all the time again.... my OH has been home now for about 4 months.... but heading away in the next few weeks... BTW, we've been together some 25 years.... and I have no doubt that there is not another family/girlfriend etc out there... despite lovely comments to that effect from my mother...
Despite the distance you must have a strong and loving marriage to get through this... I also have a DS (8) and we have worked hard to ensure he has a relationship with his dad... to the naysayers ... it can work if both parties want it to...
Good luck OP

Kennethwasmyfriend · 28/04/2017 13:34

Fly out for a surprise visit.

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 28/04/2017 13:46

I know a lot of people make situations involving being apart work when I couldn't or wouldn't want to.

But ten years? Ten years of seeing his wife and son twice a year, from the time his son is 4? To me, that's not a spouse or father, that's some guy you take holidays with. It would be one thing to do an arrangement like this for a year for a massive cash advantage or something, but I couldn't be with a man who was so willing to be completely checked out of fatherhood and shared life. I could never forgive him for what he had done to our child.

I mean, even if he did come back after this sudden 'extension', what would life look like? What kind of partnership could you have? How would he deal with a teenage son who is basically a stranger?

RainbowJack · 28/04/2017 13:50

You're having a laugh if you think the mans going celibate for 10 years.

FrenchMartiniTime · 28/04/2017 13:56

That's a bit sexist! How do we know OP has been celibate for 10 years, because she's a woman? Hmm

Some men do have the power to keep their trousers on!

MirriMazDuur · 28/04/2017 14:04

The thing is, his life is out there and has been for ten years. His life isn't with her or her son. They have no life together. Whatever the situation with other girlfriends/wives is out there, to come back and live here now would be a massive overhaul. It would be starting afresh with a wife and son he barely knows.

RainbowJack · 28/04/2017 14:07

Don't be daft. OPs DH is being discussed, not her DW or herself. The comment wasn't made on all men.
Stop trying to make it into something it isn't.

MadamePomfrey · 28/04/2017 14:15

Did your dh want children op?? I was think about what a pp said as an alternative spin on the 2nd family idea! Where he is waiting for your Ds to be independent so he can comeback and pick up where you left off?? Even with a second family 2 times a year is nothing when it comes to visiting his son!! Do you ever go there??

UppityHumpty · 28/04/2017 14:23

To be honest I think you were a mug for not going with him in the first place. He probably does have a family there and he probably cares about them more hence why he's only visited you twice a year (all the companies I know which have bases in Asia offer expats 4-6 family visits a year - it's common industry practice ). Get to the bottom of this. Suggest visiting him and laying it all out. Hire a PI if you have to.