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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How on earth did I not notice? - Massive guilt!

60 replies

MycatsaPirate · 27/04/2017 10:51

My DD has been diagnosed with dyslexia. I didn't even notice any signs of it.

She is at university and one of the tutors noticed her handwriting and spelling and asked if she was dyslexic and she said 'not as far as I know'. She was sent for a basic test and then a proper assessment where she was given a formal diagnosis.

I feel enormous guilt. She has gone through her GCSE's and A levels with me nagging her to concentrate, improve her writing and just generally ignoring the 'I can't read this and take it in' comments. She said that to be fair she was a bit of a prize moaner and it's not fair to blame me for not noticing.

I just feel so bad. She now gets extra help at uni with more time with the tutor and more time to do assessments but really, she could have done with this help in school too.

OP posts:

Sparklingbrook · 27/04/2017 10:54

Don't beat yourself up. She managed to get past all the schoolteachers over the years without them mentioning it. The ones that taught her all day every day after all.

Plus she's at University. She got there. And now she's getting help.

LoveDeathPrizes · 27/04/2017 10:55

To be fair to you, no teachers seemed to have noticed it either!

Blanca87 · 27/04/2017 10:55

I'm 38 and I got diagnosed last year at uni. I wouldn't beat yourself up it should have been her school that flagged it up.

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 27/04/2017 11:01

If it makes you feel any better, I have a (funny now!) story about parental cock ups that has become family legend!

My brother, aged 24, went into hospital and they checked his notes and told him he only had one kidney.
He had had only one since birth and my (usually on the ball and lovely) DM had just forgotten to tell him!!

Years and years of drinking and drug taking....when really he should have been being very, very careful
(He's fine now btw, no lasting damage, and lives a healthy life!)

Now that was somethnig to feel a bit guilty about!

FlyingElbows · 27/04/2017 11:03

Please don't beat yourself up about it. My daughter, now 18, has shown clear indicators of dyslexia right through school and it's only now she's at college that it's being taken seriously (despite 3 primary teachers and her senior school acknowledging that she had a problem). Unfortunately it seems to be that unless a child is very seriously affected schools just let them go. I've been really impressed with how pro-active the college are about ensuring my daughter has appropriate help and is accessing everything she's entitled to. It boils my piss that it's taken this bloody long.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 27/04/2017 11:04

Please don't feel guilty. I doubt its easy to notice than you would imagine.

As a pp said She's gone right through school and no teacher picked up on it.
I'd say the Education system needs a kick up the arse somewhere a long the line.

NancyDonahue · 27/04/2017 11:05

at one kidney!

Blossomdeary · 27/04/2017 11:05

Similar situation with my DD, now 40. We suspected dyslexia and she struggled, but she refused to be tested. She now has a hard-won MA.

Don't beat yourself up - the teachers should have noticed and dealt with it. Glad she is getting the right help now.

Misspilly88 · 27/04/2017 11:06

Tons of people get diagnosed at university. Don't worry about it!

juneau · 27/04/2017 11:10

I'm really surprised that her SCHOOL didn't pick up on this tbh. Schools these days are so much more clued up than they used to be and have on-site SENCOs to do basic assessments so they can provide support for any DC struggling with reading/writing even without a diagnosis. Maybe your DD has covered up really well all these years? My DS is nearly 6, but is already on his school's radar for probable dyslexia.

As for the guilt, I understand but it serves no purpose at this point. Thank goodness her uni were on the ball enough to pick it up and hopefully she'll now get some help and support.

Original poster

MycatsaPirate · 27/04/2017 11:10

One kidney!! :o Yeah, that's pretty remiss to not mention that to your child.

It's a mum-guilt thing I guess. I just feel so guilty for the bloody nagging I did. Just the usual 'make more effort, just concentrate' type stuff. Every parents evening I got told she had dreadful writing and that it needed improvement and every time I just nagged her. It always ended in a row.

I had no idea so many people got diagnosed later on. I thought these things were noticeable at school. I just think I should have noticed. I'm her mum!! That's my job isn't it? :o

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 27/04/2017 11:13

It's definitely common for these things to be picked up later.

I think it's the mum's job to jolly them along and say "Don't worry, it's just a scratch!" when their arm is hanging on by a thread

KateAdiesEarrings · 27/04/2017 11:15

juneau provision differs across the country. There are lots of areas where they won't even consider diagnosing dyslexia until high school and many schools don't have on-site SENCO or specialist dyslexia support.
Mycat there are networks of dyslexia support associations. You might find it helpful to get in touch with one. They often run support days or meetings for family members too. Lots of people don't get diagnosed until they are older. Don't blame yourself

Justanothernameonthepage · 27/04/2017 11:16

I got picked up at Uni as well. Looking back my primary school teachers should have picked it up as there were plenty of signs. But hasn't held me back at all. And it meant that my brother got picked up at school as he'd always had similar reports and issues to me.

Hassled · 27/04/2017 11:17

Please don't beat yourself up - if Dyslexia wasn't on your radar and school hadn't spotted anything amiss, you weren't likely too either.

When DC3 was in Reception, his teacher asked if I was OK with her making a referral to the school nurse. I was a bit confused, asked why, she said "because of all the times he falls over - he falls over anything and sometimes nothing." I was absolutely baffled. Then on the way home he fell over 3 times and I realised that it was so normal for us I didn't even notice. Turned out he is quite severely Dyspraxic - but without that Reception teacher I've no idea how long it would have taken me to spot.

Sparklingbrook · 27/04/2017 11:19

DS2 broke his wrist. He complained it hurt on the Sunday. He said it was aching a bit for a few days. Then I happened to notice him trying to put his seat belt on and his wrist sort of being floppy. On the WEDNESDAY!

FurryLittleTwerp · 27/04/2017 11:20

If they'e bright & their dyslexia isn't too bad, then they often manage very well. As the work becomes more difficult / voluminous, it can start to present a real problem.

Glad she's getting the help she needs

AnnieMeekly · 27/04/2017 11:22

I wouldn't worry at all, its very easy to miss in young children as they develop stuch strong coping mechanisms naturally when they can't do something, most people I know were diagnosed at university! x

AsthmaQ · 27/04/2017 11:23

I wasn't diagnosed until I was 16 and I am glad. I hate having the label, my coping mechanisms worked just fine until then. Once I was diagnosed everyone put in the "failure" category and was telling me how I should be learning.

I was told to apply to College courses rather than university courses. I was dictated to on how best I learn and had things I was good at removed from me.

In the end I self taught myself most of my sixth form exams, got good grades (having been predicted all fails and 1 D) and have successfully completed two degrees now.

Please don't feel guilt - it may have been a good thing that it wasn't picked up until now.

user1467976192 · 27/04/2017 11:25

I shouldnt worry I went through school, college university. Didn't get diagnosed until I started my second degree.
I am a good reader and scored high in English tests I was poor at maths. School just assumed I would catch up at some point

nInachu · 27/04/2017 11:27

Dont feel bad, I got diagnosed with Dyslexia and Dyspraxia only went i went back to uni at 30.
I did OK at A level and GCSE but was always told I was capable at better and not trying hard enough. But no one picked it up. Looking back it was obvious, but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

dataandspot · 27/04/2017 11:28

I'm an ex teacher. Had two kids diagnosed with dyslexia. I had no clue because their spelling and handwriting is ok. They have poor proceessing and memory issues. Both very bright.

Yes I felt shit about it!

user1467976192 · 27/04/2017 11:29

Asthma I found the same, once diagnosed people kept telling me how I liked to learn and half the time I didn't like their methods at all.
Had to sack off my driving instructor because he wouldn't give me full control of the car for fear as a dyslexic I would be overwhelmed. I am doing fine now with an instructor I didn't tell until I did my theory

I was 27 when I was diagnosed so had coped and learned for a good long time

Bobbydeniro69 · 27/04/2017 11:31

I work at a university and the number of positive dyslexia tests we do every year runs into the 100's.

Schools just don't have the resources to employ Educational Psychologists ( the only people who are qualified to diagnose dyslexia ) to test every pupil.

You are also not an Educational Psychologist, so there is no way you could have known if your child was dyslexic or not.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 27/04/2017 11:35

Reading with interest. I've picked up on this with regard to a number of adults I have taught and I'm never quite sure how to approach it.

OP - Don't feel guilty. It was the teachers' job, not yours, although Asthma sounds fair warning of the dangers of diagnosis.

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