Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

How on earth did I not notice? - Massive guilt!

60 replies

MycatsaPirate · 27/04/2017 10:51

My DD has been diagnosed with dyslexia. I didn't even notice any signs of it.

She is at university and one of the tutors noticed her handwriting and spelling and asked if she was dyslexic and she said 'not as far as I know'. She was sent for a basic test and then a proper assessment where she was given a formal diagnosis.

I feel enormous guilt. She has gone through her GCSE's and A levels with me nagging her to concentrate, improve her writing and just generally ignoring the 'I can't read this and take it in' comments. She said that to be fair she was a bit of a prize moaner and it's not fair to blame me for not noticing.

I just feel so bad. She now gets extra help at uni with more time with the tutor and more time to do assessments but really, she could have done with this help in school too.

OP posts:

gillybeanz · 27/04/2017 11:38

My dd is dyslexic and we first suspected when she was about 5.
No school has ever done anything about this no matter how much we asked, because she has never quite been 2 levels below expected for her age.
It's sad that it's picked up straight away at college/ uni and not assessed during primary or even secondary.
I don't blame schools though, the LA only has funding for those well below expected levels.

Goodasgoldilox · 27/04/2017 11:39

She got to university with your support and encouragement. This is success.

Since she managed this well it is unlikely that schools would have been able to offer much help. They are limited in what they can do and resources go to those not coping.

(Yes -many of our students are tested at Uni for the first time.)

hopspeak · 27/04/2017 11:41

I was diagnosed in the final year of my degree! I think people didn't notice as I learned coping mechanisms and was always good at English. People assume dyslexia is all about reading but for me it's about processing skills and executive functioning.

You can help her now by making sure she gets any help she's entitled to - you can get Disabled Student's Allowance to help pay for a laptop with speech recognition software, things like a dictaphone and scanning pen, and at uni, things like extended library loans and a separate space to study.

In the future she will be able to declare it as a disability which can help in certain jobs especially in the public sector, where they offer guaranteed interviews for disabled people.

dataandspot · 27/04/2017 11:41

Gilly

My child didn't need to be two levels behind to get tested. In fact your child could be two levels behind because who knows how much the dyslexia is preventing them reaching their full potential?

I would put a request for testing in writing.

WashBasketsAreUs · 27/04/2017 11:42

Same here. I tried for years to help one of my girls with her spelling, because she could read well above her age no one suspected it, not even the retired teacher who I took her to for private tuition.
She's just taken her level 3 sign language exam, there's a lot of spelling in BSL and she finds it easier - work that one out! She is then going to do her translator course. She was diagnosed until she was about 15/16 x

LurkingHusband · 27/04/2017 12:13

Many years ago I read a life affirming story of a high-powered executive who had dyslexia. He had managed by developing an incredible memory, and little skills to avoid ever having to read or write. (When people handed him reports he would get them to summarise them verbally). He would give presentations without notes, and use pictures. Even his wife didn't know.

CryingShame · 27/04/2017 12:19

I work at a university. It's surprisingly common for dyslexia to be picked up at this stage. We tend to boggle that teachers haven't picked it up before now, rather than the parents. Kudos to your DD for her getting to university with an undiagnosed condition though.

terrylene · 27/04/2017 12:27

I have two who have dropped out of university one with dyslexia type problems and one with ADD like problems who were not picked up, and one who was picked up at university but did not get assessed further because of the costs involved.

When they can get by at school by just using their intelligence and memory to circumvent their problems, they do nothing. Then it all falls apart at uni. It is only when it is causing a problem for the school that they do something.

terrylene · 27/04/2017 12:32

Gilly I would do as data suggests and put a request in writing and take it further.

Your dd may not be 2 levels behind what is expected at her age (and this could be a very broad definition) but still be more than 2 levels behind what she should be. But it is you who will have to push it through.

HumphreyCobblers · 27/04/2017 12:37

I think the two levels thing comes from a misinterpretation of how dyslexia is diagnosed. To get a diagnosis there has to be a 'spiky' profile, so two standard deviations difference between one area tested and another.

It has nothing to do with expected levels for age.

bookwormnerd · 27/04/2017 12:39

I had my dyslexia discovered at university after having it noticed on essays. My parents didn't notice and in fact even after I had test my dad went onhuge rant I did not and it certainly wasn't inherited from him (there were a lot of signs at school but to be honest my parents were never the kind to speak up) don't feel guilt. The school teachers should have picked it up but sometimes you can get by OK where you are not failing but not at the top and they miss. I think my daughter is dyslexic as she is showing lots of signs so I am very actively involved with pushing for help for her as I don't want her to have the horrible experience I had at school but I am able to do this as I have it so can pick it up signs and understands what she means by the words look messy, I was a teacher and I was more tuned in to looking as it can be inherited. Your daughter had numerous teachers miss it so you should not feel guilt. I was relieved when I had diagnoses as I had always been made to feel as the one who was not as intelligent as siblings and really worked hard to achieve my studying endlessly just to try and take stuff in others found easier. Please don't put the guilt on your self. I certainly never blamed my parents

user1491572121 · 27/04/2017 12:42

My Mum got my brother's birthday wrong until he was about 16. She'd celebrated it two days early for years! No reason...she'd never looked at his BC and with 4 kids, probably didn't even know where it was!

Don't feel bad! Feel proud of her for getting so far undiagnosed! It's amazing!

tetherended · 27/04/2017 12:43

So all the teachers who have taught over the years completely failed to miss it, they should be the ones who feel guilty and not you. Despite the inadequacies of the teachers and no doubt because of the motivation you have given her, she has got to university and you should be very proud of her.

bookwormnerd · 27/04/2017 12:44

Also agree with above that some people have a very linear idea of what dyslexia is. I was very good at reading though really struggled learning but once I had bank of words that I could read by shape I suddenly blossomed. I was labelled thick at primary school but once went to next schools I was very average and studied a lot so didn't seem to struggle and I never complained so I never stood out. I learned to cope so it was hard for teachers to recognise as they did not realise how much I had to work to keep up and because when I was talking I knew my stuff but I couldn't translate it down

Busybusybust · 27/04/2017 12:45

This is very common. I have a friend who is an Ed. Psych. It was the subject of her thesis. She works in an FE setting, and noticed that she was having many more females tha males referrred to her for dyslexia assessment (it is commonly thought that the majority of dyslexics are males).

After researching this she came to the conclusion that females generally work harder than males and thus manage to cover up their dyslexia (although do not achieve as highly as they should, given their IQ), until they get to Level 3 or 4, when they find it impossible to cover up any more, and then refer themselves/are referred by tutors.

drspouse · 27/04/2017 12:48

My DS dislocated his elbow, kept saying it hurt (he'd gone down a bouncy slide and fallen awkwardly). We just gave him Calpol and put him to bed, it was only the next day when he still couldn't use it that we took it to A&E.

No more bouncy slides! And a diagnosis of hypermobility a few months later.

Riv · 27/04/2017 12:59

It can sometimes hinder the route to Uni to be diagnosed earlier - all depends on the school ethos and the severity of the dyslexia. It can also be hard to spot so don't beat yourself up.
I realised my son was dyslexic and dyspraxic, (runs in the family) but he was coping at school The school would have taken him out of English lessons with a qualified teacher and given him "catch up" lessons with a teaching assistant and a group of "failing" pupils for a few years. He would then have had problems with his GCSE work (probably not entered for the top level because he would not have attended the lessons and had "the diagnosis") (some school still do this I'm sad to say, it happened to his friend) No A or B English at GCSE, the school made them re-sit in 6th form so instead of taking 3 A levels he'd only be "allowed" to do 2....
.
He got an A in English GCSE - reasonable A levels and so to Uni and was then diagnosed then got all the help he needed. Came out with a masters and is now considering a PhD....
You've probably, all be it unwittingly, done the right thing :D

Allthebestnamesareused · 27/04/2017 13:03

We realised DH probably was when DS was tested and found to be dyslexic. All the things that showed dyslexia in DS are apparent in DH ( who managed to get a law and politics degree, an LLM and is a corporate partner in a large law firm)!

Pigflewpast · 27/04/2017 13:04

Reading this is making me realise I've failed my dd. She's 16 now and I've brought up with both primary and secondary schools the possibility of dyslexia, have looked online etc, but having been told nothing wrong at primary, firstly ignored by senco at secondary then told by English teacher that school don't do diagnosis and I'd have to do it myself privately, I'm ashamed to say I dropped it, due to cost ( over £1000 which I don't have) and my tendency to not fight. She's now really struggling with revision techniques for GCSEs but I've left it too late to help.

Bodicea · 27/04/2017 13:06

I used to help a friend with his essays at uni. I was convinced he was dyslexic. In he end I takes him into getting him tested. In fact a group of our friends went to get tested together - some for solidarity/ some for a laugh. Every single one of them ended up getting diagnosed with some form of dyslexia. I didn't doubt that my friend was but was more than a little cynical of the testing process. Either that or most people are a little bit on the spectrum. It was a science based degree that we were all doing so possible that had something to do with it.

KindDogsTail · 27/04/2017 13:07

Please do not blame yourself, as someone else said, no teacher noticed. You probably trusted the teachers to let you know about anything important.

Good for the university to notice! Well done to your daughter for all she has achieved inspite of this!

Bodicea · 27/04/2017 13:07

*in the end I talked..... I just suffer from inability to proof read before posting.

AliciaMayEmory · 27/04/2017 13:16

Don't feel guilty. In my experience (2 DC who have dyslexia) knowing a child has dyslexia changes absolutely nothing when it comes to the school helping them. Mine get no provisions at all. Well, DD sometimes gets given yellow paper to write on. It makes me so sad, especially when I see students in the college I work in who have dyslexia and how much even the smallest amount of support helps them.

HumphreyCobblers · 27/04/2017 13:24

Pigflewpast, it is not too late.

Diagnosis does not have to cost over £1000. Find an SpLD teacher with an assessors certificate, it could be significantly cheaper. Also there are charities that may help. Google the British Dyslexia Association and they may be able to point you in the right direction.

ratspeaker · 27/04/2017 13:29

Both my DD were diagnosed at college/ uni level. DD1, it was her tutor noticed and suggested testing, she now has a degree.
DD2 was tested at uni before she started the course, I paid towards this, she now has overlays and software for her laptop to help.

Elder DS it was noticed at primary. It was far more obvious that he had problems from early on. I don't know if it is his type of dyslexia or if the girls had different coping mechanisms

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread