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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not stop my DC doing things because other people don't want their DC to do them?

466 replies

hollyvsivy · 25/04/2017 22:42

My children are adventurous and unless something is dangerous or unsafe for themselves or others, I don't see the problem. Increasingly I find myself being scowled at by other parents whose DC want to copy mine as if I should stop mine to help them out. I've had passive agressive comments, too. As far as I'm concerned, it's up to them to enforce their rules on their children - not me.

Some examples to give you an idea of the contexts of these situations:

Splashing in puddles
Climbing trees
Standing up on the swing
Climbing the slide (as long as no one else is waiting to go down)
Painting their hands and feet at toddler group
Rolling down hills

AIBU to continue to let my children do what I'm fine with them doing and ignore disapproving outsiders who expect me to stop them so their children won't do the same?

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 26/04/2017 08:11

Standing on a swing isn't going to contaminate your child. Ours regularly have bird crap on them!

This abhorrence of 'dirt' is a new thing. How clean do you think a slide is? Wind, rain, rats, mice etc all contaminate parks at some point?

Standing on a swing to get higher is normal for kids. How on earth do kids learn to manage risks and push themselves if we wrap them in cotton wool?

Recent studies show that when schools put more climbing and adventurous play equipment in school playgrounds there were LESS accidents. Kids were more focused and less likely to just run around without thought for others.

Nobody is saying stop other kids using the slide. Our kids at our local park don't do around knocking toddlers around. It's a ridiculous generalisation that any kid who does something you never did is obviously runing amok and ruining it for others.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 26/04/2017 08:11

My Husband takes our Daughter to a club and waits and yesterday our boys (4 and 2) were climbing all over a dangerous stack of chairs. He told them to come off. A Mum of one of the other 5 children came over and said 'oh, sorry, are mine leading yours astray?' before walking off and leaving him to carry on minding all 7 children Hmm This is every week-the women gossip and leave him to the childcare. They don't know my Husband. The waiting room is separate to the hall they go and play in.
So if you're one of these Mums that's unreasonable. If you take responsibility for your own kids I don't see the problem.

upperlimit · 26/04/2017 08:11

Not 'of', I mean 'on'. The rest of my experience on MN is grappling with the hair trigger on my phone's autocorrect. (Why does my autocorrect hate the word on? Three times I had to change that again!)

Penhacked · 26/04/2017 08:12

I think the most important lesson is consideration for others, so up slide in empty park is fine, other people around, not so much. The rest is absolutely fine. I get the disapproving look with my toddler as I don't stalk her every move in a big open space and just sprint there and keep a hawk eye for trouble. It isn't bad parenting but you still get the tuts.

BeMorePanda · 26/04/2017 08:12

Personally I think children coming home with some mud on their clothes is a sign they had had a great time.

Also in 9 years I've never actually seen a muddy slide. But it's absolutely a MN "thing".

ADisappearingDreamOfYesterday · 26/04/2017 08:13

I have a theory (bear with me here) that we need a MN Venn diagram. I would bet there is a big intersection of parents who do all the following:

Letting kids climb the slide
Allowing shoes on in the house
Leaving washing out overnight to get darked on

All these things by the way are just wrong.

Sirzy · 26/04/2017 08:14

williow -but do you not think that schools have rules as to what sort of behaviour is acceptable on the play equipment? I have never worked in a school which doesn't insist it is used correctly!

babybythesea · 26/04/2017 08:18

I am not even going to comment on the slide climbing.
The painted hands and feet one, I think depends on how it was done.

I do lots of hand and foot painting with my own two, I have no problem with it, so initially I was thinking how daft people are to get upset about it.
And then I remembered that when running a toddler group, one parent let their kid paint his feet and hands which he proceeded to get all over the floor. Guess who was there during the rest of the meeting and after it finished trying to get the paint off the floor of the rented hall? So, is it the paint on the hands and feet people object to, which is not an issue as far as I can see, or is it that your child was then allowed to go round and spread the paint far and wide, while you leave other people to clean up the mess and explain to the hall committee and have to argue why the toddler group should still be allowed to use the venue, which definitely is an issue?

upperlimit · 26/04/2017 08:18

I'd like to see that diagram Disappearing.

Don't forget to factor in fusspot tendancies to get a true picture.

Believeitornot · 26/04/2017 08:22

My dcs are the kind of children that will climb slides, climb trees, jump in puddles etc. I'm that helicopter parent constantly telling them not to do stuff.

For that reason I actually can't stand play parks. I would rather take them to the local woods so they can scramble to their hearts content. Why not try that if you want them to be adventurous.

babybythesea · 26/04/2017 08:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

claraschu · 26/04/2017 08:28

I agree with Penhacked: "I think the most important lesson is consideration for others, so up slide in empty park is fine".

TheMythOfFingerprints · 26/04/2017 08:33

None of those things are adventurous imo.

I once watched a very precious mum tell her toddler that they couldn't jump in puddles in the playground at home time.
The toddler was wearing one of the waterproof all in one things and wellies Confused

BertrandRussell · 26/04/2017 08:34

Slide climbing is wrong for lots of reasons. It makes the slide less slidey, which spoils iit for people who want to slide.

But importantly, it is a sort of take over of the slide. Yes, there may not be anyone near, but many children would actively avoid a slide where people are climbing up- so the slide becomes a no go area for anyone but climber uppers. People who allow it genuinely don't see this, but it really happens.

Painting hands and feet? Depends on where you are and who does the cleaning up. And whether they've been asked not to by whoever's organizing the activity.

Climbing trees? Depends on whose tree, really!

Puddles? Well, I suppose if all the children are in their best clothes i wouldn't let mine be a "ringleader".............Ditto rolling down hills.

Context is all really.

Binglesplodge · 26/04/2017 08:36

OP, the behaviours you list range from frowned upon (slide climbing) to totally standard (puddles).

If people are reacting to your children even when they're doing normal kid things then I can't help think there's something irritating about you and your look-at-me style of crunchy parenting.

Willow2017 · 26/04/2017 08:40

No it was letting the kids learn how to play safely, letting them push themselves to climb on big play equipment to be considerate and be aware of the space around them and other kids. They were not continually monitored and told 'don't do that'. Kids quickly learned that exploring equipment and learning to use it properly was easy and fun. The fact that there were less accidents than previously was a testament to allowing kids to be kids and use their own risk assessing and judgement. Something which seems to be lacking these days when you read some parenting forums.

Kids aren't allowed out of sight, parents hovering over kids at parks, parents allowing their kids to hog swings, fussing over the slightest bit of dirt.

Let kids enjoy their childhood and have some faith in them to learn independence and learn to deal with risks. If they don't then they will never be able to manage risks when they are older.

buckyou · 26/04/2017 08:43

Slide climbing gives me the rage.

Artesia · 26/04/2017 08:44

OP, is this the same DD who has never crossed a car park or a road by herself at the age of 10? If so, I'd query your definition of adventurous behaviour.....

NerdyBird · 26/04/2017 08:46

Slide climbers annoy me, it can make the slide muddy and less slippy. Also in a few places we go to the slides are slighlty curved so can be harder to see if someone is there. Most of the rest is fine. I did all that as a kid.

ChocChocPorridge · 26/04/2017 08:50

I'm against the climbing up the slide - it's just a habit that I don't let my kids get into because whilst yes, there's no harm in an empty park, it's a bad example when other kids inevitably arrive and now I have to ask my kids to stop, and have no reason to ask the other kids to stop - it's just basically a bad plan in my experience.

For the venn: Kids shoes off when they come in, because otherwise they'll be left somewhere in the house and tomorrow morning will be spent looking for them. Adults, guests, delivery people, no problem keeping their shoes on if they want, or taking them off if they want

I leave washing out if I forget, I leave it in the washer or the tumbler fairly often too.

I may be an outlier.

flownthecoopkiwi · 26/04/2017 08:51

I've had those looks, but mostly on play climbing, monkey bars type things. My daughter has always been very strong and very adventurous. She also does gymnastics and I've seen her gauge what her limits are. I get glares from other parents when their children attempt to do what DD is doing, and need saving.

Not my problem?

Ilovewillow · 26/04/2017 08:52

YANBU on all counts! However, it's all about context and consideration. My children do all of those things but with an eye out for safety e.g. Not climbing trees next t a road and consideration for others and their surroundings. It's a big no to chasing birds though - not fair on the birds and I'm terrified of birds! As an aside take them in a big tree climb - they are bookable events and they get to climb really large trees with harnesses - lots of fun!

flownthecoopkiwi · 26/04/2017 08:52

Oh and shoes off please and I hope you like spider winky on your bedding ;)

Etaina · 26/04/2017 08:54

YANBU

However, I get really pissed off with parents who let their Dc do potentially dangerous things and then just expect other parents to keep an eye on them. I also get nervous chatting to people when they are so involved in the conversation that they don't know what their Dc are doing. I had a friend who'd chat to me outside primary school on a very busy main road and let their 3 yr old run around and play on the kerb. I would end up calling him over when it looked as though he'd run in the road. Another one had a very destructive Ds who would throw things around in cafes and restaurants and I'd end up having to clear everything up because she didn't care less. He'd do all sorts of dangerous things in the park but she never intervened. Her Dc are very confident physically now, so maybe in some respects hanging back is not always a bad thing.

MatadorBowerBird · 26/04/2017 08:55

Agree entirely about learning to take turns and not hog any item of equipment (including slides), not splash water or flick sand at others, harass wildlife, put feet on benches, public transport seats, etc. etc. All simply a question of good manners and consideration for others (people and animals), surely.

However, IME mud on slides is just as likely to come from children braking with feet as they come down, and even if you only slide on your bum the backs of your heels will sometimes still smear mud if the ground is muddy.

Also, any slide suitable for toddlers would be deemed far too babyish by my primary age kids, so there's no clash anyway as far as that's concerned.